2. Insurgent Laundry Detergent: A Revolutionary Parody, Chapter 2

It appears to be that time again. Let me explain the ancient idea of a vampyre. This dark legend of somewhat shrouded origin tells the story of an undead being whose entire diet seems to consist of human blood. Common belief is that Vlad Tepes, a raving madman in medieval Eastern Europe, was the cause of the craze. However the legend appears to be much older than that. Generally equipped with fangs, that resemble those of the vampire bat, the creatures show themselves in the depths of the night, stalking their victims, sucking their blood, usually by biting their necks and finally turning them into fellow vampires in the process. It might seem ghastly but rest assured, weaknesses they have many: Sunlight, garlic, stakes to the heart, crucifixes, mirrors, holy water, entering someone’s house without being invited et cetera. Trying to avoid all those things, they usually sleep in tombs during the day, and only come out at night when absolutely necessary. And that might be the very notion that makes the concept so appealing, who hasn’t thought about avoiding all the hassles of everyday life and just stay in bed, leaving that haven only when absolutely necessary, namely for a walk to the refrigerator.

Of course it was right after I asked that rhetorical question, when suddenly bats started flying through the windows. They just flew right through the windows, breaking the glass and apparently not caring for their own life. It was especially strange, as bats were supposedly great navigators. I never had much love for the flying rats, but this was beyond uncomfortable. Millions of them came crashing through the windows. I really didn’t want animals in the house, least of all the kind that break things. It was an old house and those windows sure weren’t cheap. Cody started screaming and swinging his baseball bat at the flying pests.

“Is this why Bruce Wayne became Batman?” he yelled.

“Get out of my house!” was all I came up with, as Cassandra quickly grabbed my sleeve and pulled me down.

“Get down!” she shouted and pulled me into a sitting position next to her.

“Seems like they are trying to attack us. And that idiot is swinging a baseball bat around,” she explained.

“Yeah, I don’t want to get hit on the head by that,” I answered. I waited for Cassandra’s witty response but she couldn’t finish her thought as we suddenly heard Yuki scream. Quickly I turned my head around and saw Yuki pointing a trembling finger at what appeared to be a man, standing right in front of her. I had no idea how he got into the house. But with all the commotion going on, anyone could have probably entered, without me noticing it.

“It’s him. He wanted to drink my blood, he’s the one who climbed into my room” Yuki remarked with a shaking voice.

“He changed from a bat into a person,” Cody added. The man proceeded to nonchalantly walk towards Yuki, ignoring everyone’s raised concern. Slowly I rose to my feet again, pulling the Glove of Contradiction out of my pocket. Yuki just stood there, petrified. Cody was preparing his bat for a home run swing. But before anyone could do anything violent, an even more macabre thing occurred. We all heard a somewhat damp, weird noise, similar to a water balloon hitting a wall. Then I saw a shiny object sticking out of the now terrified man’s chest. At first I thought it was a knife but it looked somewhat pointy, so it must have been an arrow. Soon thereafter the man collapsed. But there was no time for relief, since the bats continued to break things in the house and try to bite everyone they could get a hold of. At this point however, I was more interested in where that arrow came from. Luckily I didn’t have to look far. A hooded man wearing a long cloak and dirty boots, carrying a crossbow seemed to have entered the house and started to walk towards us.

“This is outrageous. Why do people just keep entering my house? I didn’t invite you!” I voiced my concern and was most of all annoyed by the dirty boots that soiled the marble floor.

“I don’t need an invitation, for I am no vampire” the man answered while pulling back his hood, revealing his scarred face.

“These vampires didn’t seem to care much about invitations either,” Cassandra answered. Cody expressed his agreement while hunting down the rest of the bats. What they were missing though was the fact that there was an elephant in the room, in desperate need of being addressed. So I took it upon myself to fulfill that task.

“Who are you?” I raised the long overdue question. The man seemingly prepared for an answer but before that, he raised his crossbow again and killed the last remaining bats in an unnecessarily flashy fashion. As the last one dropped to the floor, the room finally regained its former beautiful silence. I had missed that silence more than I cared to admit.

“Don’t you remember me? Ah well, it has been many long years. I serve this household, young master. I was sent on a quest when you were just five years old. A quest to take down all the vampires in this world. As soon as I heard of your father’s death, I hurried back here to protect you. It seems the vampires have made their move now,” the man explained.

“What?” was all I managed to respond, but in my mind I tried to remember who this person might be. I could only remember that one butler and several maids being in the house when I was younger. All of whom, except for the butler, left when I grew older. And what fate the butler met I of course could vividly remember as well. But there was no memory of anyone else.

“It took you a while then. His father has been dead for some time now, and we ran into all sorts of trouble after that,” Cassandra asserted, folding her arms.

“Yeah, we didn’t see you helping,” Cody added. The man looked at them for a while, seemingly in mistrust.

“Young master, your father sent me on that quest. I pledged to always protect your family. And since the head of the house is dead now, I must protect you. You’re all that’s left of the family, I assume. I did not succeed in killing all the vampires yet, but I’d like to think that there are not many left. I can assure you that I will complete my quest,” he then said, looking at me and completely ignoring Cassandra and Cody.

“I really could have used your help a while ago, you know? I was attacked by werewolves long before anyone talked about vampires. But if you worked for my father, then I guess you are telling the truth,” I said but then immediately regretting it. First of all I didn’t know if he actually worked for my father, secondly, my father was not a man to be trusted. I didn’t even know what he was doing most of the time. But somehow I felt like sending people on insane quests to hunt down creatures of the night, that my father could have only imagined at that time, seemed very much like something he would have done.

“I wouldn’t dare lie to you, young master,” the hooded man quickly responded.

“Yeah, why would you make all that up,” I said, feeling a slight relief but still no sign of a memory.

“A seasoned vampire hunter seems in my opinion like the most capable person in dealing with this vampire problem at our hands,” Cody then remarked. Everyone seemed to agree. It might indeed have been helpful to have someone around who knew what he was doing for once. Who knew how to deal with these supernatural creatures, that seemed so hellbent on causing me trouble.

“Would you mind telling us your name?” Cassandra then asked, raising another long overdue question.

“Ah, I completely forgot. My name is Vihaan Singh, at your service,” the man responded.

Even after hearing that name, the young master was unable to recall any memories he might have had of the servant. He was after all still suffering from amnesia, precipitated by the Divine Uninstaller. While most of his memories seemed to have found their way back into his brain, certain wayward ones still struggled on their way and seemed to have gotten somewhat astray. The young master was not that much bothered by it however, as he was rather looking onwards than backwards. Meaning that he was focusing on the things to come and not the ones that lie in the past. And so after a lengthy discussion, Cassandra was finally convinced to speak to her father, Ichabod Coin, who was still an influential lawyer. The young master accompanied her to that elegant study, that Cassandra loathed so much. It wasn’t the pungent smell of aftershave and cigars. It wasn’t the old-fashioned interior. It was the fact that this study was her father’s study. The fact that this was the realm of Ichabod Coin. Nothing more and nothing less.