PANIC TO SURVIVE

'Do you ever feel like running away?

Just suddenly leaving, no note, no warning, just getting your shit and leaving'.

"MURDERER!!!" Someone shouted.

Ouch! That hurts!

Wow! It hurts so bad, It really did. Even after all these years. They just had to remind me of it - they just have to shove it in my face. I thought I had adapted to it, it wouldn't hurt, I had gotten stronger - I did. But, it does. It always hurts, it's right there in my face, each and every time.

I'm broken.

Helpless.

Alone.

Destroyed.

Each and every time they call me a murderer, I feel worse than I already am. It wasn't my fault - it wasn't - but no one believes me. No matter how I tried to explain it to them, tell them the truth - THE WHOLE TRUTH. They choose not to listen, they never did. 'It's all your fault' that's what they keep telling me. Sucks!

Why not me? Why wasn't I the one who died? If I had died a long time ago maybe the story would have been different and I would be forgotten. Like they say; the dead are easily forgotten - not this one.

I couldn't stay here.

I have escape from this nightmare.

No. He can't find me.

He's going to... No! Don't think about it. Just close your eyes and it will all disappear.

You are brave.

You are the bigger person.

You are strong.

He can't.... He can't…

Shit! Who am kidding?

I took a step away from her - finally feeling my legs. I scurried away from them, not looking back. It was as though the world was closing in on me, I was choking. The air felt contaminated, I needed to breathe so bad.

My head was banging as awful memories flooded my mind. I wanted to get rid of it - make it disappear.

I ran away from school as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran and ran, letting the tears fall. No one bother to stop me. Like they cared, staring at me like I was the big problem. It felt like they couldn't wait for me to vanish. I was gasping for breath but that didn't stop me, I had to run, I needed to run. It was the only thing I was good at - running. I ran till I couldn't feel my legs, till I become numb.

Hopefully, he won't catch up.

* * *

I arrived at my hideout - the forest. The only place where I was free - monster free - a place I could be myself. Even though it wouldn't last, I could still enjoy the moment. Can't I?

My tears stained cheeks were dried off by the chill wind; it kept on blowing. Why didn't it dry off my pain? Why didn't it take it all away? I don't want to remember. I don't want too.

Am I crazy for wanting to have amnesia?

I slumped to the grass, feeling so weak. My legs were shaky and I couldn't control it. The real pain wasn't in my body but my heart. But, I would get by, I always do.

I have been bullied for so long that I lost count of it. Ever since that fateful day, the day that took so much from me, that robbed me of my entire life, made me a liar. The day I wished never happened. I want to turn back the clock, pretended to have never noticed, to have never ran away. Maybe, I won't be in this mess and my life would have been better. Do I still need to wish?

I repeatedly hit my hand on the ground as awful memories kept flooding my mind - it torments me constantly - I want it to stop but it didn't…. It wants to suck the life out of me till I become lifeless.

My heart was beating faster than the speed of light. My vision was swamped with tears, I couldn't breath, my entire body was on the verge of collapsing and I couldn't control it. A dry hard lump formed in my throat, despite how hard I tried I couldn't swallow. I was so dryed up and needed to drink water badly.

I clutched my chest trying to control my irregular heartbeat. I clenched it tight but still nothing.

My brain was getting foggy. I knew I was going to faint anytime soon if I didn't stop.

I hate having a panic attack, it made me feel helpless, weak and vulnerable. It made me feel crazy, I can't think clearly, makes me pants for breath and I realized what it meant to breath properly.

Nobody wants to feel this pathetic.

I was supposed to be at peace here, then why am I feeling this way? This was my place not theirs, so their memories shouldn't bother me. All I ever wanted was to be free. Free from this, free from them, free from everything.

"IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

And as usual - SILENCE.

It was always quite - NO REPLY.

I was always alone - ALONE - with these awful thought. To think about a way of escape. I wanted to tell someone how I felt but before I even speak, they judge me. Guess they judge a book by its cover.

I lay on the ground, my eyes were too heavy. Tears were no longer falling and I didn't want them to. I hate seeing myself weak and useless. I know I wasn't but why do they make me feel that way.

I stared at sky, trying to shut the voices in my head. The mean ugly voices telling me that I wasn't good enough or that I was worthless or that it's all my fault. I don't want to listen. I don't want to be lost in my thoughts again. It's unbearable, I really can't take it.

Staring at the sky became one of my self-invented therapy. Whenever, I'm having panic attack. I try not to hear or feel anything, I completely detached myself from this world and just stare. Deep down, I don't even know what I'm actually staring at , but it works. Sometimes. The voices tries to intensify but I won't let it destroy me.

Today, the sky looked so dull, just as I did - maybe, it felt my pain. Right now, it was my only companion. No matter how much I 'ASK' it just listens and never replies - it sucks - and I needed answers to all my ' WHAT IF'S '.

After an eternity of recovering from my panic attack. I slowly closed my eyes, letting the darkness engulf me. It was better than being here - who am I kidding?