Okay, lemme get this straight, because this did seem a bit absurd in my eyes. I am supposed to guide my monster to defeat the great Wishmoppu, whose "super" beam attack nearly caused the world to end?
Let me repeat it since it still did not make any sense to me. In this battle, which violates more copyrights than your WN authors with their "borrowed" covers, was I supposed to defeat the last Boss with my level 1 monster?
This whole situation did not seem very fair, now did it? I mean, where were my cheat codes when I needed them the most...
Behind a pay-wall, of course. The capitalistic third system of mine would not be a cash grab if it did not try to get all powerstones out of my pockets. Sadly, immortality did cost me an arm and a leg.
Literally an arm and a leg, like the limbs, not the phrase that something was expensive, just to make sure that people understood the harsh pricing policy. There also was a DLC with a fighter add-on for the low, low price of my soul and firstborn son.
What a catch!!! If only I had not sold my soul early on to get the perfect main character backstory.
Well, it would not have worked either way. Having a firstborn son was kinda hard as an eternal virgin. But I was not trying to beat a dead horse here, the jokes about me having no "game" had already been done.
And no, jokes did not get funnier the more they were repeated. Unlike face-slapping young arrogant masters, that shit was funny as hell; at least, one could think so─given the amount this kind of plot gets repeated.
Yet, this was not the time and place to praise the creativity some other writers had.
It was time to prepare the Beeg Psycho for this battle through the power of the item shop. Else he would not even stand a chance. Time for me to put the Pay into Win.
"System, give me a 100% increase in defence, attack, evasion"
[100% increase, defence and evasion have been added to your shopping cart, do you wish to add other items to it?]
"I also want to add the +3 defence fedora and the bling-bling necklace that reduces the opponent's defence by a whopping 50%. Hmm, gimme the golden ring of punchie power as well. While you are at it, add the pimp cane of disrespect."
[The fedora, bling-bling necklace, the golden ring of punchie power and pimp cane of disrespect have been added to your shopping cart. Anything else?]
I had to make sure, that I even had enough powerstones to support the Beeg Psycho.
"No, that would be all. I would like to pay."
[Thank you for your purchase! 25 powerstones have been deducted from your balance.]
After investing 25 stones now, I was left with a measly 13 powerstones. Leaving me with 13 attempts to revive him should he be vaporized again. If all of this was not nearly enough, I would have to wait for the crowd to fund me even more, which would leave me with no other choice than to rant again.
Since everyone liked to hear me ranting for hours, I would like to suggest to hand over all your powerstones till the great Evil known as Wishmoppu has been defeated through our combined efforts at throwing money at the greedy system.
For now, I had done my best to prepare the big guy for this battle to end all battles.
The big nude dude was not wearing any armour or something remotely helpful, buuuuut he wore a stylish fedora, which made every neckbeard blush from sheer envy. With his fancy golden bling-bling necklace, there was no way he could lose─in a battle of style.
Armed with the pimp cane of disrespect he would be able to deal the special attack "bitchslap". This was the hidden, secret technique used to subdue and lower the morale of any enemy.
Lastly, the ultimate secret weapon, the ring of punchie power. It was a relict from the era of the Gods and was the most powerful ring of its kind.
Having equipped all these treasures Beeg Psycho was ready for war.
Wishmoppu on the other hand was simply waiting all the time, while I had been going on this lengthy shopping tour. The turn-based system or whatever stupid name it had, was truly slowing things down considerably.
I could already see that this fight was destined to last ages again. So strap yourself in, dear readers, we would spend a lot of time together here, as our "champion" got killed over and over again.
Look, even the Beeg Psycho gave me a look that said... " U sure bro? This fight ain't looking too hot for us" The understatement of the year, we were royally fricked.
Let us continue this fight in the next chapter, I had to buy as much time as possible to get those juicy powerstones.
"Wait," screamed the exposition dude..." You can not end the chapter."
My clone ran to my location as fast as his legs allowed him to. Hearing him speak caused me to think whether or not I should tell the Beeg Psycho to launch the dude into outer space. I did not have the patience to deal with the dude's constant talking again.
This should be a very serious battle about the fate of the world and we could not have a random clone ruin the atmosphere by talking about why the weiners were flopping so fast in the wind.
I was not having it.
"Did you know that Beeg Psycho is considered the pre-evolution to an even mightier creature? You should feed it rare brownies to increase its level..."
Exposition dude, I was totally wrong about you. You are the most beautiful men I had ever seen. Why did I not think about the stolen copyright and the source material...
Only after bringing the Beeg Psycho to its final form would it be able to win.
"Thank you, I did not know what I would do without your help... Seriously, you are the best buddy I could have asked for." I pulled the exposition dude close to me and embraced my saviour in the darkest of hours.
Tears of gratitude fell down my face, knowing that soon I would be free from this hellish world. There was nothing, which could have ruined this moment─and I jinxed it.
"Oh, by the way, did you know about the cockblock defence technique? It's a move only a select few Psychos could learn. I can teach it to your monster if you want to".
[Exposition dude has taught Beeg Psycho the cockblock move]
Yup, reality had given me bitchslap to wake me up from my delusions...
Here I thought the penis jokes were no more, yet it rose from the dead like horny isekai protagonists in an apocalypse.
Could someone just hit me on the head, like really hard? Just lemme forget about all of this...
"Would I finally get brain trauma or would even more stupid things happen? Find out in the next episode of─"
"─Exposition dude, shut up"
.... It was me, who ends this chapter... MEEEEE!!!!!!
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!