twenty-six

I can't... understand why he's so angry at me. Mandy, I-" I sighed in defeat. I couldn't tell her I was dating my best friend. All because I was flirting with a girl who practically meant nothing to me. We're on a break. I mean, hell, Mandy probably already knows about me and Zhan. She has hinted at the notion a few times, that's for sure, but I still couldn't say it outright. But this was Mandy, for Christ's sake. I used to tell her anything and everything, and I knew she wouldn't judge me or shame me for liking a boy. I think it's the pure fact of saying it out loud to someone who I see as a mother figure. Would that imply that I was admitting to myself... that I was... well, gay? bisexual See, I'm still not sure. I wasn't sure if I liked guys or if I just liked Zhan. You know, maybe between me and Zhan it was a sort of demisexual relationship. After all, I haven't been attracted to any other guys. I have not checked out any of my other classmates. I sighed in frustration, digging my fingernails into my palms.

Just say it, Yibo. Just say it

"Mandy, I think I might be gay." I forced the words out, keeping my eyes focused on the tapping of my foot against the carpeted floor. It was silent for a moment, and I panicked. I didn't want to look over to my left and find Mandy looking at me with disgust or resentment, so I kept my eyes down and wondered if I'd made a mistake in confessing something that's been eating away at me ever since the first time I and Zhan kissed.

"I knew you liked the D. Your father owes me a hundred dollars. " She said proudly. What she'd said threw me off my game. I just sort of stared blankly at the wall opposite me for a good few minutes before I slowly turned to look at it with that same blank look.

"I'm sorry. What?"

Oh, come on, Yibo! You really think we didn't know? She was smiling, probably at the fact that a blush was slowly sneaking its way into my cheeks.

"You made a bet with my dad over whether I was gay? Are you serious right now? " If my eyebrows could fly, they'd have shot right off the top of my forehead, leaving scorch marks behind.

"No, psh, of course not. We were already pretty damn certain about that. We made a bet over whether you and Zhan were," she wiggled her eyebrows. "You know, doing the… naughties." She lowered her voice to a whisper for the last word.

I immediately went back to staring blankly, with a slight bit of shock pushing its way into my features, at the wall.

"Hang on a minute." I turned back to look at her.

When Mandy asked who said anything about me and Zhan doing the thing, I raised my brows, reluctant to use the word, and repeated what she had said. It just seemed ridiculous. I mean, come on, the naughties? It sounds like we're thirteen again.

Mandy laughed. "It's easy to put two and two together, hon."

"Pfft," I waved my hand at her in dismissal, shaking my head, but for a different reason.

"I can't believe my dad- I thought he'd be disappointed in me or something. I thought he'd kick my ass out."

Mandy chuckled. "He'd never do that, and he'd be offended if he ever found out that you thought he would. Now, your mother… I doubt she'll be as pleased as your father was."

"He was pleased?" Okay, now the shock was apparent in the way my voice broke on that last word. Oh, my fucking god. How long have you guys been gossiping about this behind my back?''

Mandy shrugged innocently. "I've kinda had suspicions for a while. I mean, you and Zhan have never been subtle about your flirting, have you?" She winked.

"We never flirted," I muttered in annoyance.

"Oh, you did! You guys were always giving each other those sultry gazes and making little flirtatious remarks!"

"Shut up, Mandy." She hit me round the back of my head with the tea towel she had in her hand, clearly insulted. "I can't believe you guys." I muttered, finding it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that my dad was totally cool with this whole situation.

So now that we have that over and done with, what are the grimy details about why Zhan is angry with you?'

Over and done with? This is in no way anywhere near over and done with. My dad thinks I'm gay, Amanda! You guys made a freaking bet over whether me and my best friend were sleeping together, and that you're all so laid back about it all is freaking me the fuck out!'

"Yeah, yeah," she said as she waved me away. Now tell me about the interesting stuff. What's happened with Zhan? "

I stared at her with wide, disbelieving eyes. "You're fucking crazy," I said in a breathy, confused voice.

"You're all fucking mad." My eyes found comfort staring back at the wall. It almost felt like it took me out of the situation. Like I wasn't really here. If I stared at it long enough, my eyesight turned blurred and out of focus, like I'd been dazed out of reality. I was jolted out of that serenity as soon as Mandy nudged me and said, Well, are you going to tell me or not? Maybe I can help.

I sighed. "I don't know where to begin. Me and Zhan started dating and then I was checking Meng out in class one day and he just flipped shit on me and now he's decided we're going on a break and he wants me to think about whether I take this thing between us seriously, or if I'm just looking for some fun, or using him as an experiment or some bullshit and then I ended up kissing his sister when I went around his house looking for him and now he's really, really pissed at me."

Mandy blinked at me in silence a few times before opening her mouth, closing it, and then opening it again. "Okay, right, I think I got all that. You talk so fast sometimes, Yibo. It's hard to understand you."

"Sorry," I muttered, looking off to the side. I clasped my hands together in my lap so tightly I could barely feel them.

I think what you need to do is have a long, hard think about whether you really are serious about you and Zhan. Do you want to be with him? Or do you think this is just the curious side of you that wants to try something new? Because it's normal, Yibo. It is natural for a lad your age to be curious about these things, but playing with someone's feelings isn't fair.

"Yeah," I murmured under my breath. "How will I know? That I'm serious about it. I looked at her like she was my own personal soothsayer. She held all the answers. She could tell me the things I needed to hear so that I'd make the right choice. I felt like she knew my future, knew what I wanted, and just had to point me in the right direction. If only.

"You'll know," she said, as she smiled at me. It was the sort of smile you'd expect to come from a mother, but then I guess Mandy was sort of mother to me. She'd been there for me a hell of a lot more than my actual mum, which was sad, really.

She put her hand on my shoulder and held my gaze for a moment, still smiling that motherly smile. Then she stood up to leave, heading back towards the kitchen. It was only a few seconds after that I was racing up the stairs, deciding that I was going to lock myself in my room for the rest of the night and hide beneath my covers to think.

Gay. It was strange saying that word. Not so much saying it as it was calling myself, really. I'd always had it in my head that I was going to marry some girl and have a family. I was going to work in an office to support them and all that boring adult stuff. That's what my mum always told me.

I was going to grow up to be just like my father. Minus the drug addiction part that happened a few years ago, but that was in the past. At least, I hoped it was. From the way he's been acting lately, I was hesitant to believe that. Mind you, living with a woman like my mother, I didn't blame him for going off the deep end. She could drive anyone to madness.

The thought of my future had always been a dull one, but apparently, it was becoming even more so every time I thought about growing up to be with anyone but Zhan. Maybe that was what Amanda meant when she said I'd know. Whenever I thought of a future without Zhan, it didn't feel all that exciting.

After digging my mobile out of my trouser pocket, I pulled my duvet up over my head and curled my knees up to my chest. I clinched it in my left hand and closed my eyes as if I could psychically make Zhan call me. As I scrolled through my contacts, I couldn't bring myself to call him. So instead, I just lay there in the dark with my phone in my hand and my duvet over my head until eventually I drifted off into sleep.

Last night was one of those nights that I spent tossing and turning, unable to rest because of the number of thoughts racing through my mind. I guess I was sort of glad it was over. However, I really wished I could rewind back to the beginning of the night, so I had another nine hours of darkness. I wasn't quite ready for the sun to rise and the day to start, which was only about an hour away.

I was lying on my back, staring up at my ceiling that looked miles and miles away in the darkness of my room. It was as if I were looking up into a starless sky; a black canvas that shifted subtly, causing my eyes to strain and shift in and out of focus.

That was, until I heard the glide of my door against the carpet. I watched as orange light flooded my ceiling in a triangular shape that slowly grew wider and wider, engulfing more of the room in this soft glow of light. I cocked my head up to see who was there. At first, all I could make out was a black silhouette, but the closer they came, the more I could make out the familiar facial features.

My dad had this really distinct nose. It was narrow and came to a sharp point, slightly crooked towards the tip. As he sat down on the edge of my bed, the light that leaked into my room from the hall revealed half of his face, leaving the other shadowed.

Is everything okay, dad? I asked, my voice raspy.