twenty-seven

"Yeah," he whispered in an unusually soft tone that sounded fond, almost. I was just coming by to see how you were before I got busy with getting ready. Amanda told me you had a very honest talk with her last night, and that there was something you wanted to say to me.

I inwardly rolled my eyes. God damn woman, getting me into awkward situations that I could live without. I don't know what she was talking about. "You know, Mandy, she's getting old, her head is all," I pointed to my forehead and waffled my finger, insinuating she was losing it.

"Yibo, don't be rude." He scolded. I groaned, rolling my eyes as I cursed Mandy's name.

"Did she tell you, you owe her a hundred dollars?" I massaged my forehead with nervous fingers, trying to push away the awkwardness.

"Yes." There was a slight nod as he spoke.

"Dad," I interrupted, hauling myself up into an upright position.

"Me, you and these kinds of talks don't really go well together." I was smiling. I didn't mean it offensively. "We're just two awkward sods when it comes down to it."

He nodded, agreeing.

Alright, that's true. " He chuckled quietly. "Just, I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you. I know, I know. "he put his hands up in surrender. "That's a cheesy thing to say, and I don't want to embarrass you, but it's true. It'll be no different. No matter what. He stressed the last few words. I knew what he was getting at.

"Thank you." I replied in the most sincere voice I'd ever heard myself speak. I didn't know what else to say or how to react. He's never said anything like this before, and it was really exciting to hear it.

"Thank you." I whispered for the last time.

He nodded once, looking me in the eye for a moment before patting his knee awkwardly and standing up. "I'll see you when I get home tonight. Get some sleep. You've got a few hours left. "

As he was turning to walk away, I had the sudden urge to ask a question that had been playing on my mind since my talk with Mandy.

How do you know when you love someone? For example, what made you so certain that Mom was the woman you wanted to marry? He pursed his lips in thought before saying, Because when I looked at her, no matter what was going on in my life, good or bad, I knew that as long as I had her, everything would be okay. I needed nothing else in my life to be happy. She was my happiness, and she will always be.

I guess that was the moment it hit me, really. That's exactly how I felt whenever I thought about Zhan. As long as he was around, I didn't really need anyone else. I mean, having other people would be great because, shit, a break from Zhan every now and again doesn't do any harm. But when it came right down to it, if I had to choose anyone, it'd be him I'd want to spend my life with.

I stayed in bed until I heard the door close as my parents left for work. I'd hit the over-tired stage where you feel this sort of high come over you. I was full of energy as I was getting ready for school, right until I was walking into my first class, and that's when my sleep deprivation kicked in. It was like I'd just been dragged backwards through a dozen fields at fifty miles per hour.

"Y'all right there, Yibo! Ji Li shouted as he came bounding over, throwing me into a hug. I groaned, my eyes half-closed. It was a fight to keep them open. Ji Li pulled away but kept his hands on my shoulders. You look rough as hell, man." I groaned again. With a quick scan around the classroom, I noticed Zhan hadn't arrived yet.

"Are you looking for your soulmate?" He teased as usual, pulling me against his side with an arm around my shoulder. He gave me a little shake, which just got me irritated, really.

"He is not in yet." I muttered, referring to Zhan's absence.

"Nah, he is not in today.,"Did you not hear? " I looked at him quizzically.,"Heard what?

"Ah." His lips formed at a slant. "His parents are filing for a divorce." My eyes widened as I leaned out of Ji Li's hold. Rounding on him.

You shitting me? Honestly, I go to fucking bed early one night and this happens? Jesus. Is he okay? Have you spoken to him?'

"I would have thought he'd have rung you first?"'

Something heavy buried itself in my chest at the question. A sad realisation, I guess "No." I shook my head. "No, he didn't."

"Maybe you oughta go see him" I stared at Ji Li for a moment. His eyes narrowed slightly. I didn't quite know how to take his suggestion. It felt as though he knew something. I wasn't sure what to do, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know right now, either.

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe I should. " I tapped Ji Li on the shoulder in a sort of silent thank you for the idea, and set off towards the nearest exit and toward Zhan's house.

I arrived at his house to find the door open. Everything was silent as I shut it behind me and walked through the hall, down to the living room. As I entered, the first odd thing I noticed was a smashed vase laying against the wall by the kitchen door on my left. It used to sit on the cabinet that was up against the opposite wall from the kitchen doorway. Just as I was about to go through into the kitchen, I heard a creak from the hall that had me spinning around to put a source to the sound. It turned out it was Zhan, creeping down the stairs with a puzzled look on his face.

"The hell are you doing here?" His voice was rough, like his throat had turned to sandpaper. His eyes looked heavy and tired. Red-rimmed from the obvious crying.

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "I came to see how you were. Ji Li told me about your parents. " My voice gave-me away at that point, so I said nothing more and instead looked down at my feet.

Yeah, well, now you know I'm doing just fine, so you can piss off now.

I locked eyes with him angrily. "Really? Because you look far from God damn fine to me. " I took a step towards him. "You know, I had to find out from Ji Li about all this. You remember when I used to be your first choice? "

Don't fucking start. I don't need this right now.

"I'm not starting anything."

You started something the moment you walked through that door, "he pointed down the hall towards the front door. His stance had squared up, like he was ready for a huge argument, but his words were soft and filled with exhaustion. You think you can just walk in here and forget about it for a while? Because I can't do that and, to be fucking honest, I don't want to. "

Fine. Then let's sort this out. For Christ's sake, I don't want to be like this with you. I can't stand it.

He sighed, lowering his head. "I just want you to go." He walked past me, sitting down on the sofa with a heavy sigh. I turned to face him, letting my back find support against the nearest wall.

You need a friend right now. I used to be that to you. You remember that?

It's not enough for me to have you as a friend. I want you to be my boyfriend. I'd like to have a relationship with you, but you're so exhausting." There was no anger in the way he spoke, just a weak sadness in his voice. It was as though he barely had the energy to feel. But he was feeling, and all that sadness had made itself at home in his brown eyes.

I'm sorry.

Zhan laughed sardonically. "Yeah? Well, I'm afraid saying you're sorry doesn't make it all better, sweetheart. "

"Don't patronize me, for fuck's sake." I hissed, shaking my head and letting it fall back against the wall with a thud. I closed my eyes against the dull ache from the impact until it faded, and then I looked back down to where Zhan was sitting with his elbows on his knees and his hands interlocked with each other. His lips were pressed against the side of his thumbs.

I wanted to walk over there and wrap my arms around him, pull him down, and just lay with him on the sofa for a while. No words came out of my mouth. For a little while, I just wanted to be with him in silence. I wanted to be how we used to be. Now everything's so complicated and fucked. I've forgotten how we even got to this place.

I'm sorry, I'm such a fucking bastard. Alright? It is my sincere regret that I did not treat you as if we were genuinely together when we were dating. It's my fault that I was acting like I was a grade-A piece of shite. I reeled off, hoping I was hitting the nail on the head with why he was angry at me.

But I'm done with all that, Zhan, I swear. It was fucking confusing for me. I didn't know what I felt for you. I mean, I did. It was more accepting of those feelings that caused me to freak out. Letting go of who I used to be was a tough thing to do. You expected way too much from me. You had your time to come to terms with everything. I was still hung up over the fact that I had kissed a fucking lad weeks after it had happened!

The realization that that was why I'd been acting the way I was came right at that moment. There was nothing rehearsed about this speech. I did not know what I was going to say until I was saying it. And that confession just spilled out of my mouth as if it was what I'd intended to say all along.

I hoped the expression on Zhan's face was that of understanding. That was the most honest I'd been about this whole situation.

"That still doesn't make up for you kissing my sister."

I came around looking for you, and she was there crying, so I asked what was up, and the next thing I know she's kissing me. I swear that's how it was. Nothing more. I felt nothing, I promise."

Zhan's head had dropped into his hands. I couldn't see his face, but I could hear his sniffling and watched as he tried to wipe at his eyes and nose. I walked over to his side and sat down beside him, putting an arm around his shoulder for comfort.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's alright," I whispered in his ear, my forehead resting against his side. I'm really sorry about everything. You're going through so much right now, and I'm just making things worse. I didn't come here to fight. Please know that I will always be available to you. "Please do not push me away in the future."

He shook his head, peering up at me from behind his blonde fringe that clung to his forehead.

"Shit," he whispered. I mean, I guess I should apologize as well." He dragged his hands down his face.I'm just really insecure when it comes to you. I know I probably over analyzed everything you did because, fuck, I'm scared." His voice broke on the last word.

"'Scared of what?"

I guess I was scared that you didn't really like me. It scared me I'd lose you to Meng, or some other girl. When I caught you with Lu, I had it in my head that maybe you two had been going at it all along. "

I laughed. "Seriously? Sure, I mean I had a thing for your sister ever since I knew what a penis was for, but I can assure you now that I don't want any other Xiao but you, Zhan."

He stared at me for a moment. I wasn't sure if it was in disbelief or if he was annoyed. I'd used the word "penis" regarding his sister.

"Okay," he murmured, a gentle smile playing around the edges of his lips. He didn't really look like he knew what else to say. I didn't mind. I let my forehead fall against his as my hand slid up his shirt and balled into a fist at his shoulder, pulling him closer.

"You want to start over? Do it right this time?" I asked, my hand finding the collar of his shirt.

He nodded, nudging his nose against mine once and then for a second time before he kissed my bottom lip, then my top, and before I knew it, my back had hit the sofa's cushions and Zhan's body was pressed against mine.