B-30. The World Without Law

Alakitasia, Fiore Dimension; 410 years ago

Nollid Kroy was sent through the Multiverse Portal and landed on a grass ground. "Yeesh… that was crazier than Apparating." he said. Nollid was in a forest, and the sky had a hint of yellow, implying that the sun was setting. He walked forward. "I wonder where the Darkness-" He stepped on a cliff and stopped before losing balance. A few grains of dirt fell off from his step, falling below the clouds. Nollid gasped, taking in the view before him. "Wow…" (Play "Floating Islands" from Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon.)

A light breeze whisked across the country of floating islands. At first, Nollid thought it was Skypia, but the islands were made of dirt and soil. Masses of land ripped from the earth and left to drift in the clouds. Nollid looked up toward the right, where the cliff sloped up and led to a thin strip of ground hanging over the abyss. A boy of seven years old stood on that strip, staring down at the passing clouds. He had smooth black hair and black clothes.

Nollid stepped up the hill and approached the kid from behind. "You should be careful. You might fall off."

The kid looked up and turned, staring with surprised black eyes, though his expression was dull. The stranger wore a black hoodie with black pants and shoes. Nollid had a purple strip through his black hair. The kid noticed the wand in Nollid's right hand. "Are you a wizard?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. I am." Nollid answered, now confirmed that wizards do exist in this world.

"I've never seen you. Do you go to my school?"

"Er, no, I don't. I'm not from around here. My name's Nollid."

"Hi, Nollid. I'm Zeref."

Yep, this is the one I'm looking for. "Nice to meet you, Zeref." Nollid smiled. "Can you tell me about this place? I didn't exactly read a travel guide, so…"

"This is Alakitasia. The Floating Land. I don't know very much about it… but I think a long time ago, some wizards made the land float to be closer to the gods."

"A country-wide Levitation Spell? That's pretty amazing!"

"Yah… but it's dangerous. Dragons fly up here. They kill people. They killed my parents and my little brother. …If you're magic, can you do something for me?" Zeref asked with hopeful eyes.

"What do you need?"

"Can you bring people back to life?"

Nollid hesitated to answer. "Um… not particularly. But I recently learned to use Inferio."

"What's Inferio?"

"It's a spell that can wake up corpses. The corpses are called Inferius."

"Inferius? Well… can you bring my brother back?"

"Why your brother? Why not him and your parents?"

"My parents were eaten by the dragons. We don't have their bodies. My brother is buried at the cemetery. Could you wake him up?"

"Wake up his corpse? Well, sure. But you know this is dark magic, right? I only practiced it because my mom made me. It feels creepy when I actually… do it."

"I just wanna see my brother again. Is that bad?"

"If it's that important to you, I guess I could… for a few minutes. Will you take me to him?"

"We have to go up there." Zeref pointed at an island a few feet off the edge, whose ground was higher than theirs. "Can you fly?"

"No, but we can make it. Watch a wizard at work." Nollid winked.

Stage B-25: Floating Lands

Mission: Awaken Zeref's brother.

There was a tree with vines standing on the edge of the island. "Accio Vine." Nollid aimed his wand and called the end of a vine over. He put away the wand and told Zeref to hang on his shoulders. Nollid grabbed the vine and held tight as they swung under the bottom edge of the island. When the vine swung back and became straight, the wizard climbed it. Nollid and Zeref set foot on the island, which was composed of yellow brick ruins. Stone gargoyles were perched on pedestals and ruins, but these statues revealed to be alive as they swooped in to claw at the two. Nollid was quick to cast Reducto and explode the gargoyles, protecting himself and Zeref.

According to Zeref, the next destined island was several meters above. Nollid's Ascendio wouldn't get them that high, so he decided to use Wingardium Leviosa to uplift Zeref. The child felt odd floating like a feather, and feared falling from such an already unsettling altitude. Thankfully, Nollid kept his focus and set Zeref on the small island. "Is there anything up there?!" Nollid called up.

"There's a knocked-over pedestal!" Zeref yelled back.

"Push it down here, I can use it!" Nollid stepped back when the pedestal fell, using magic to slow its descent. Afterwards, Nollid stood on the stone and used magic to levitate himself up. He rejoined Zeref and used another Levitation Spell to float him to a longer island ten feet off. Zeref stepped on a stone switch that stretched a bridge for Nollid. The duo crossed the long island and were attacked by Clefts that were disguised as rocks. Nollid used Flipperoo to flip the Clefts upside-down and stomp their weak bottoms.

"No offense, Zeref, but your homeland is kinda dull." Nollid said honestly.

"This isn't my home. I'm from a town past the forest. I come out here to look at clouds."

"It sure seems like the cemetery is pretty out of the way."

"These are sacred grounds. No one comes out here because they're afraid of being cursed."

"Cursed? Doesn't that make you afraid?"

"No."

They jumped some small gaps in-between islands before climbing stairs to an ancient town. They cut through the center street and found a sealed gate that depicted four symbols in compass directions. The north depicted a swirl, east pointed at a snowflake, south aimed at a raindrop, and west at a flame. Nollid looked above the gate and noticed the dark orb. He cast Ventus up at the orb and watched it glow white. "We probably have to activate all the orbs to open this gate. I bet they're located in the compass directions."

He and Zeref followed a small road to the east side, but since the path was blocked by rubble, they entered a building. They couldn't go far due to the stone clutter, but Zeref was small enough to crawl through a tight space between the rubble. The boy jumped stacks of stone bricks that led to a window. Vines were growing on the outside of the window, allowing Zeref to climb to the ruin's roof. Zeref found a stone block slightly taller than himself and could push it over the edge of the roof, landing it on the center road. He called Nollid to come back outside, and using the block as a boost, Nollid could use Ascendio and make it onto the roof. The next-door building had an orb, and since this was east, Nollid cast Glacius as according to the gate's compass. The orb turned blue.

To the left of the sealed gate was a path leading to a broken part in the wall around the ruins. When Nollid peeked through it, he saw an orb hanging on the side of the wall. This was probably west, so Nollid cast Incendio to light it red like fire. Lastly, they needed to find the south orb. They returned to the beginning of town, searching the area around the entrance stairs. Zeref found a vine wall under the island's edge, so Nollid climbed down and found himself clinging across vines along the island's underside. They brought him to the fourth orb, which required the water spell, Aguamenti.

Nollid heard a rumbling and suspected the gate has opened. He regrouped with Zeref as they proceeded past the town, arriving at an ancient church. "This must be the old Church of Ankhseram." Zeref said.

"What's Ankhseram?"

"He's the God of Death. The people in my town worship him."

"Where I'm from, our God of Death is Thanatos."

"Your people have a different god? We probably shouldn't talk about it here."

"Heh heh, yeah." Nollid blushed. "I think I see a way over there." He and Zeref went to the right of the church, where Nollid used magic to stack three large rocks against the back wall. He levitated Zeref up to an opening high up in the wall, then Nollid stood on the stack to be high enough to Ascendio up to the opening. The next island had a tree with bees swarming around a hive. Nollid cast Avis to send a flock of birds to devour the bees, making it safe to cross over. But how to go about doing that? Nollid saw a plank connecting that island to the next, so he called "Accio Plank" to slide the plank over to connect it with their ledge.

"Nollid, where did you say you were from?" Zeref asked as they carefully crossed the long board.

"I'm from a town called Gohauq. It's pretty far away."

"Why did you come to Alakitasia?"

"Mostly to travel. So, are we almost at the graveyard?"

"Yeah, we just gotta get across. I wish they wouldn't put it so far away."

They made it to the island with the hive, and Nollid moved the plank again to cross to the following island. The next island required a short jump to cross, but it was upside-down as they viewed its rugged underside. Nollid cast Flipperoo to flip it up correctly. However, the land they had to reach was too far. "How do we get there now?" Zeref asked.

"I have an idea. But just so you'll be safe." Nollid used Leviosa to float Zeref over to the base of the cemetery. With a courageous breath, Nollid used Flipperoo on the small platform again, spinning it with himself on it and flinging himself across the gap with the momentum. Zeref gasped, fearing he wouldn't make it, but his worry for those two seconds were subsided when Nollid landed beside him. "Heh heh. Worry not, Zeref, I'm a pro at this."

"Great! Let's look for my brother's grave." Nollid followed Zeref as the latter read the names on the tombstones, which were written in foreign letters Nollid couldn't read. Speaking of foreign letters, Nollid looked across the cemetery and spotted a grave in front of a stone pyramid.

"Zeref, do you think it might be that one?" he pointed. Zeref looked to the strange pyramid near the edge of the island. He jogged up and read the name on the stone.

"You're right! This is his grave! Natsu…" (End song.)

Nollid came beside Zeref and held his wand ready. "Alright, here it goes. Inferio." Nollid cast the spell into the soil.

Zeref gasped when two small, boney arms sprouted from the ground. A child's zombie emerged, moaning. "Whoa… you did it." Zeref gaped. "Natsu… is it really you?"

"He can't talk." Nollid said. "He doesn't have a will or his own state of mind. Inferio reanimates a corpse, but it doesn't do anything besides act as a puppet."

Zeref waved a hand by Natsu's lifeless face. "Do you know a spell that… can bring people back to life?"

"No, I don't. But my friend, Sipa told me about a stronger version of Inferio. It's called Grand Inferius. It's able to revive people to perfect fighting condition. I don't know how to use it, though."

Zeref caught Natsu when the corpse fell over. "If you can wake up a corpse… maybe I can bring back the dead." Zeref spoke lowly. "If I learned magic… I wonder if I could…"

It looks like I just dug this kid's grave. Nollid thought. No pun intended. I guess it couldn't be avoided. Still… "Zeref, I already told you these were dark arts. I don't know what you're thinking, but… don't get in over your head."

"I know. …Hey, Nollid? How long does this spell last? Do you think Natsu could… stay awake forever?"

"I'm not sure. There's a chance the spell will wear off if I leave. But I guess… I'll leave it active just to see. I wouldn't let the town see him, though."

"I'll keep him secret." Zeref smiled at the older boy. His attention then fell to the pyramid behind the grave. Zeref approached the ancient stone, and Nollid knew what was to happen next. Zeref read the glowing text.

New growth cannot commence without destroying the old. If you wish to make change, only chaos is the answer.

A dark aura appeared around the pyramid, and the eye on the tip channeled it into Zeref's body.

Zeref awakened as a DARKNESS. Only 3 more to go.

"…What was that, Nollid?"

"I honestly have no idea." Nollid answered. "Let's get you back to where I found you. It'll be dangerous crossing that path on your own."

Nollid led Zeref and Natsu across the floating islands and returned to the forest area where the former first landed. "If you don't have parents, do you have a home to go back to?"

"I live by myself." Zeref answered. "But… I guess I won't, anymore." He smiled at Natsu.

Nollid felt repulsed at the thought of this little boy living with a corpse. Whether Natsu died again or remained animated after he left, it was a creepy thought. He didn't have long to think about it when the ray of light burst from the higher heavens, burning the ground. "Good-bye, Zeref!" Nollid yelled, giving Zeref no time to comment on this. "And good luck to you." He jumped into the vacuum and was sucked back to his home dimension.

Zeref looked at Natsu when he moaned. Despite Nollid's sudden vanishing, his brother remained active. "Inferius…" Zeref would remember that term.

Portal Chamber

"Zeref was a complicated fellow to work with back in those days." Medusa commented. "It will be good to have him back, though."

"Don't we have to do something about Zeref's little… predicament?" Thanatos asked.

"Don't worry, Thanny. In time, we shall enlist the help of the Firstborn."

"How many more times will we have to use this portal?" Nerehc asked.

"Only two more times." Medusa answered. "Say, Nerehc, when we send your friends to the Original Worlds, have you noticed that nothing actually happens to the Positives?"

"I… didn't think of it."

"The reason is simple. The Original Worlds do not abide by the same laws as this universe. Some of them may not have a Negaverse. It only proves how distant they are, and raises more questions on why these people were chosen to be Darknesses."

"Another thing that you don't understand?"

"Don't flatter yourself. But speaking of different laws, I fear for our next victim. The world he's diving into is called the World Without Law. It will be a miracle if he finds the Darkness and keeps his sanity…"

The arrow was marked on a symbol of a wig. Along the Dimensional Byway to this world, the bubbles displayed a man of blue jelly, an orange sun-like creature, a girl with pink hair, and a guy in a white sheet flashing up his skirt. It was probably the most dangerous of the Original Worlds.

Chrome Dome Empire; 150 years and 1,064,271 milliseconds ago

In the year 150x, war waged between the Hair Kingdom and the Chrome Dome Empire. Chrome Dome was once a peaceful nation, content with their shiny domes. The country never had to buy combs, so they could save extra money to buy gas and fast food. Unfortunately, hats and sunscreen were scarce in this age, so thousands of the Chrome Dome residents acquired unbearable sunburns. Their domes were so scorching, their neighboring country Hair Kingdom crossed their borders and began to cook pancakes and bacon on their heads. The sad part was that they cooked faster than ordinary stoves.

"And that was why they went to war, right?" our lucky victim asked.

No, of course not. What really ticked them off was that they didn't use butter.

"Okay – that's it, time out, time out!" Hcaz Yhprum spoke up. "Why the hell did I have to get picked to do this dumb world?! The stupidest person we got is Ylime, don't you think this place would make her feel smart?"

Oh, pardon me, Hcaz, but this isn't the Negaverse where you can just sing a pretty song and your dreams magically come true. In this world, you need 200 points of store credit, so ya better hop to it if you wanna finish the mission.

"I don't understand how anybody from this world could qualify as a Darkness! The last two towns I went to were all made up of tofu that judged each other based on the way they hold their pencils!"

PAH HAH HAH HAAAA! I can so relate to that! Don't worry, Hcaz, you're almost close to where you need to be. Luckily, fourth wall rules don't matter in this world, so I get to help you out. Anyway, back to the story. Our hero, Hcaz was strolling through a peaceful neighborhood with average cartoony houses and little kids with dotty eyes swinging swings on trees. He traveled this dark, nightmarish landscape in search of one of the Thirteen Darknesses: Tsuru Tsurulina III, or as he is known in America, Czar Baldy Bald III. (In 3-D!)

"So I'm guessing I'll stumble upon an innocent-looking child who couldn't possibly grow up to be a monster." Hcaz figured as he marched up a narrow zigzaggy hill above a perilous chasm. An eerie-looking house sat at the top. "That's how it was for everyone else."

And right Hcaz was. For when he stepped into the house, there sat a pedestal with… a tiny baby inside an embryo. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Hcaz shouted. "He was never even properly BORN!"

Indeed he wasn't. That's why it falls to you, Hcaz, to carry Tsuru on his journey of personal growth. You must undergo trials of unspeakable tribulation, and it will be trifling. But don't worry, just pat yourself on the back and have fun with it.

"Sigh…" Hcaz picked the unborn czar up in his hand. "So far, Thanos was the only Darkness that looked terrifying." (Play "Aban" from Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo!)

Stage B-26: World Without Law

Mission: Go get 'em, tiger!

Hcaz carried the embryo across a series of floating square platforms over a chasm. He jumped a platform that flipped slowly, a platform that rotated around a center, and one that went to and fro. One last stable platform would bring Hcaz to a cliff—the platform rapidly flipped when he set foot, throwing Hcaz to the ledge and speaking furiously, "NO! You know, I am TIRED of you Mario wannabes jumpin' around on us like we're a bunch of floating lifeless mounts for you to stand on! It's time for us platforms to speak our minds and YOU'RE gonna help us!"

Armies of platforms and non-platform supporters began to protest all videogame companies and characters for unfair treatment. Gamers grew angry at the fact they could no longer get past Level 1, and many were forced to hack their games to make an anti-gravity code. Protestors were arrested and forced to resume their platform duties in chains, but this didn't stop them from super-gluing their tops and getting Mario and Rayman stuck. Eventually, the designers gave in to the protests. Hcaz reasoned that the platforms would return to their duties, provided they get double pay, be allowed to attend after-parties, and could be chosen as playable characters.

So with that, Hcaz made it past the first obstacle of this stage. He came to a chasm with a target floating several meters over. With nothing else to chuck at the target, he was forced to throw Tsuru's embryo, hit it, and catch the unborn baby when it bounced back. "In Aliehs' level, you abused a fat kid to progress." Hcaz mentioned as he crossed the bridge that appeared. "Are we that low on level ideas?"

The bridge led Hcaz to a great red door built within a brick castle wall. There were three keys lain down, but only one keyhole. Take your pick, Hcaz. "Whatever." Hcaz got a key that looked like Jelly Jiggler. He stuck it in and tried to turn the lock, but failed, and when he pulled the key out, it shaped like a paperclip. He tried the Don Patch key next, but it was fruitless, except when Hcaz pulled it out and saw it became a banana. He then used the Bo-bobo key, but would pull it out to realize it was a lace handkerchief. "GRRRR! Nothing in this world makes SENSE!"

With that, Hcaz set off on a three-month long journey to the Himalayas to find the correct key. After buying hot cookies from a snow monster so he could hit the lottery, Hcaz located the key inside a cave: it was a doll of Abraham Lincoln. "Brilliant." Hcaz said with sarcasm. He stuck the hat side of Lincoln in the lock and opened the gates to the first important destination of the level. A prestigious institution that resembled a castle, he arrived at Beacon Academy. "WHAT?!?" Hcaz screamed. "I thought this was Bo-bobo, not RWBY!"

"Indeed it is, Mr. Yhprum." A portly man with a burgundy suit and big grey mustache marched up. "I am Professor Peter Port, and I'm here to encourage the growth of Young Czar Tsuru. And nothing helps a child grow than a ravishing story of his teacher's days of youth."

"I don't have time to hear a story!"

"YOU WILL LISTEN TO MY STORY AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" Professor Port beat the snot out of Hcaz. "Very well, let's begin." He ceased and cleared his throat. "I was born with the biggest mustache in the hospital. My infant mustache was so enormous, I was put on the cover of Children's Magazine five weeks in a row…"

64 hours later…

"So in the end, we decided to throw the Hershey bar away." Port concluded. Hcaz was beyond bored at this time. "Well, that concludes my ravishing tales. Let's take a look at Tsuru's growth."

The embryo shone and turned white, floating in the air. Like a Pokémon during Evolution, it grew to a toddler's size. The light vanished, revealing five-year-old Tsuru with a bald head, blue T-shirt, and black pants. "For the next leg of your journey, you may ride Zwei." Professor Port showed them a little black and white puppy. "You are one step closer to becoming the third czar, Tsuru."

"I don't wanna be Czar!" Tsuru whined. "I wanna be a physician!"

"YOU'LL BE CZAR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" Port set the two on the puppy's back before taking out his blunderbuss and whacking it. The puppy shot across the sky like a comet, Hcaz and Tsuru holding for dear life. They crashed through a few UFOs and Cats in Hats, but eventually they crash-landed along a beach setting. Zwei scampered off to join the circus, leaving Hcaz and five-year-old Baldy to cross the beach of sexy teen girls.

"This place is so gross!" Tsuru whined, repulsed at the fine-looking ladies in bikinis as he ducked for cover. "All these girls are naked! I can't go another step!"

In order to rectify the situation, Hcaz had to platform across the ocean using giant beach balls, where he could land on an island laboratory and borrow the local weather machine. With some quick finagling, the weather machine cast a blizzard over the land. The girls could no longer embrace the sun and the heat, forced to don coats. "Aaaaahh!…" Tsuru's head shot up, taking in the sight of the babes in their lovely thick coats. "I think I'm undergoing character growth!"

"Not under this rating." Hcaz led Tsuru across the beach-turned-blizzard, and they would soon come upon a beautiful summer forest. Monkeys were happily hopping around the trees and throwing carrots down, due to some trade agreement with the bunnies. It was in this forest where Tsuru would complete his next step toward adulthood: picking up a musket and shooting the shifty apes down. The five-year-old felt powerful with the gun in hand, smirking up at the monkeys and letting fire. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

When he's finished killing monkeys-

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

When he's finished killing monkeys-

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

When he's finished-

BANG! BANG!

STOP IT! So with that, Tsuru's body lit up and grew a few feet taller. When the light vanished, Tsuru had become a Charmeleon. Or as we'll call him, Czarmeleon. "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!" Hcaz shouted.

Thankfully, since the monkeys were all dead, there was nothing to stop the construction crew from tearing down the forest and building a Pokémon stadium. Hcaz would have to rely on his trusty Charmeleon to defeat his rival trainer, Turquoise, whom was an ordinary human boy in a turquoise hat and shirt. "I choose you, Stone Crocodile Head!" Turquoise tossed his Pokéball, and as was expected, the creature to pop out was a Koopa Troopa.

"It's not worth my energy to scream at these things anymore." Hcaz sighed. "Charmeleon, use Flamethrower!"

"Chaaarrr!" Tsuru blew fire at the two-legged tortoise and swallowed him in embers. The attack was useless, because Koopa Troopa was a rock guitarist with spiky pink hair and tattoos on every part of his tissue. "You're just throwing up whatever crap you think of!" Hcaz argued.

It was then that Hcaz realized that his normal routine wouldn't cut it in this world. He would have to step up his game and be a little more creative. (On you, Hcazzy.) "Oh, I'll show you creative! Charmeleon, use The Finger!"

Czarmeleon flashed his finger at the Koopa. The turtle stared at it silently. He then cut off Czarmeleon's nail and rode away with it on a caravan, wedding bells ringing from afar. "…I will hate myself forever." Hcaz remarked.

"I summon my next Pokémon!" Turquoise threw a ball that popped open. "A Team of Sushi Chefs!" Ten sushi chefs came out of it.

"WE ARE SUSHI!" they chorused.

"Sushi Team, attack them with Ziploc Bags on a Stick!" Turquoise ordered.

"WE SHA'!" The sushi chefs charged at Tsuru wielding Ziploc bags on pencils.

"Charmeleon, drop Canada on their heads!" Hcaz commanded.

"Repeated naaame!" Czarmeleon raised the country high and smashed the chefs underneath.

"WE SHARPEN OUR PENCILS!" The sushi chefs used Canada's Silver Sharpener to make their pencils sharpen their swords.

"Unfortunately for you, the sharpener spins so fast, you were sucked inside and grinded into bedsprings!" Hcaz counterattacked.

"THAT, HAS GUT, TO HU'T!" the chefs cried, having been grinded into such.

"DANG IT, Turquoise!" Turquoise's mother began scolding the shameful boy. "I told you to eat more brussel sprouts and wash your underwear! Now, go sit with the rest of your brothers!"

"Yes, Mom." The defeated trainer sadly went to sit in a room with his dozens of colored clones, like Magenta, Beige, or Light-Caramel, all of whom had their heads drooped in shame.

"The winner of the tournament is Hcaz Yhprum and his Czarmeleon!" the announcer announced. "Do you know what he wins?! A most-expenses paid trip to New Jersey!"

"I hope it's better than Old Yesrej." Hcaz replied. But wrong he was, for while he expected clear skies and mansions with luxurious pools, here he was in a town of smoggy skies, factories, and police sirens. "Any person or place that is in this level, you are basically just effing them."

Be that as it may, Tsuru's next step to manhood was in this town. Somewhere in the magical land of New Jersey was a bar called "Old Meter Maids." Oh, there it is! Inside this dark dank bar were tough-looking thugs smoking and playing pool or poker. If our young Czarmeleon was going to evolve, he would have to play the part. "By playing both pool AND poker?" Hcaz asked.

No! By catching the fish swimming in the electrical circuits. Why else do you think this place is so dark? "Makes as much sense as anything else."

Tsuru Czarmeleon held the fishing pole firmly while the hook was up in the wiring. He wore a morbid expression and smoked a cigar. The thugs were staring at him, awestruck by his cool demeanor. Czarmeleon blew a smoke, then tapped his cigar to drop a few specs of soot on the floor. He felt a tug and began reeling the rod. "The bait I used must really be working!"

The ceiling collapsed when the fish was completely reeled, for the bait used was none other than Big the Fat Purple Cat. "WHY WOULD A FISH BE LURED TO THAT?!" Hcaz screamed.

The Evolution process resumed once again, turning Tsuru Tsurulina from an adolescent Czarmeleon into a teenage Japanese knight on a black stallion. "Whoa, that's quite the change!"

"HARK, it is TIME TO RIDE!" Tsuru kicked his steed, and Hcaz hopped on as they rode under the night. "The Summer Solstice is almost upon us! We have nary a second to waste!"

"Why?! Where are we going?" Hcaz asked impatiently.

"We must journey to the beach!" Before long, they arrived at a sunny beach that was completely different from the one they froze earlier. "It is time to enjoy summer… in bathing suits!" Tsuru threw off his armor and exposed his two-piece American Flag swimsuit, the sun glinting off his chrome dome.

"You were repulsed by all those girls at the other beach, but I don't think you looked in the mirror!"

"If you keep staring at me, you have to pay riyals." Tsuru stated. "Now let's round up the boys and play FOOTBALL!" The future Czar started playing soccer with a team of churros.

"JUST PICK A COUNTRY!"

The football match between Samurai Tsuru and the Churro Burros lasted for three fortnights. That was before Marco kicked the ball into the window of a British piano musician, who won the rights to the team in a lawsuit. Five years later, they became Ubisoft. "Sweet, so let's play Rayman and get on with our day." Hcaz stated.

The next phase of Tsuru's development was working in a boring business burrow. In one of many dark offices lit only by a candle, he was typing on a tiny calculator and signing papers, growing envious of all those colorful Rayman characters and their platforming adventures. "Wait, wasn't Rayman suffering as a result of the Platform Revolution?!" Hcaz realized. "How could he already exist if we just invented Ubisoft?!"

So Tsuru decided to stage a coup, rounding up his old churro buddies and luring the top officials into box traps using Reese's Pieces. Tsuru became the new President of Ubisoft. The Rayman franchise was taken over by Rabbids, which would torment the Dream World for centuries. "Nothing in this stage can be canon."

Hcaz, everything I write is canon. Everything I unwrite is uncanon. Even if I write out a cannon. (R.I.P. Gilbert)

"Who's Gilbert?"

My pet cannon. But with that, Tsuru's next phase of Evolution commenced. He grew as his light silhouette shaped like a proud adult—which shrunk down into a tiny white dot with a wiggly tail. "HE REVERTED BACK INTO A SPERM!!" Hcaz's eyes popped out of his glasses.

The Underground music from Super Mario Bros. played. In his sperm form, Tsuru would have to navigate a maze of mall-goers, in order to buy a pair of Size Ones. This would evolve him back into a baby, and then the Evolution process could begin again. "Time for Part 2 of my story!" Professor Port said.

"NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Hcaz decided to seize the sperm and declared, "If anything goes in this world, I'm ending this stage early! Say hello to my Time Machine Microwave!"

He tossed Tsuru into the microwave and set it for fifty years. "MWAH HAAAA!" The future czar popped out as a full-grown adult with a blue jacket with red shoulder pads, a phoenix symbol on his forehead, and a shining bald head. Hcaz may have taken the easy way through this level, but real life ain't so easy. "Like anything in this level translates to real life!" Hcaz shouted.

In order for Tsurulina to complete his journey, he would have to face his greatest challenge, yet. "That would be me, of course."

Hcaz and Tsuru gasped, whipping around in the direction of the voice. A powerful and formidable titan towered above them, his body shadowed except for the smirk on his face. "It's him!" Tsuru exclaimed. "The current ruler of the Chrome Dome Empire! Czar Baldy Bald II!"

"That's right, Baldy Bald III. If you plan to claim the Sacred Wig of the Czar, you must battle with me. But be forewarned… I am a Master in-" The lights switched on—the towering shadow was actually an average-size cup of frappé with fruits and vegetables. "The Maracas Jamba Music, Mon!" He shook two maracas around.

"I CAN'T TELL WHAT KIND OF DRINK YOU ARE!" Hcaz shouted with a wide rectangular mouth.

"Be careful, Hcaz!" Tsuru III cautioned. "If he touches you with his maracas, you'll develop an interest in the first telephone!"

"Don't be so sad, old phones are da bombshell, Mon!" Tsuru II exclaimed. "Here I cooooome!" (Play "Love In My Tummy" by Arthur Resnick and Joey Levine!)

Boss fight: Baldy Bald II

Hcaz and Tsuru III made a run down a castle hall, the two deciding to split different ways. Tsuru II spilled part of his liquid out and had it chase Hcaz. Tsuru III panicked when he saw the czar chasing him, and would have to take cover in an upcoming door to hide. The future czar dove in, but the current czar followed suit. The room in question had a long curtained table with tea and cakes. Tsuru II checked each little teapot to see if his opponent was hiding, and saw that one of the pots had Not Fake written on it. Tsuru II smirked and opened the pot—a mousetrap flipped out and snapped him in the head.

Hcaz was caught in a dead end by the Fruitling Tsuru sent after him. The Fruitling raised a maraca and ran to strike him. Hcaz took a breath and mentally cursed himself before using the Lochness Monster Attack, wherein the lake monster popped out of the floor and ate the Fruitling. Hcaz ran around it to search for the others. He found Tsuru III clutching a chandelier in fear while Tsuru II was jumping and trying to hit him with maracas. Hcaz tossed the future Darkness a banana and told him it could become a rapier. Tsuru III caught the fruit and dropped to strike the frappé czar.

Suddenly, the Bunny Police arrived to arrest Hcaz, and a lawsuit was filed for making creative use of the trademarked fruit they had traded with the apes. "Oh, NOW there's continuity?!" Hcaz expressed.

The courtroom was instantly torn down when Tsuru III swung a wrecking ball through in his attempt to hit Tsuru II. The frappé czar continued dodging as Tsuru III tore down an arcade, Gruntilda's Lair, and Bowser's Castle. He gaped when the wrecking ball swung in his direction and smashed him out of the truck's cockpit, slamming Tsuru back-and-forth between a boulder and A Soft Place, which was a store that sold soft items like wool beds and paper doors. "Shouldn't the wrecking ball destroy that place?" Hcaz questioned.

Having pointed out the anomaly present, a space-time rift was created, tearing the universe asunder. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT!"

"Oh ho ho!" Tsuru II made use of the chaos by throwing UFOs at his enemies. "Even the destruction of a universe does not cease my jazzing, Mon!"

"That may be so!" Tsuru III countered. "But you've yet to see the new universe that will create!"

They swirled into a cosmic cyclone and landed in the new world. Hcaz, Tsuru II, and Tsuru III were working on a Dorito farm. "It's 100% unnatural like everything ELSE in this dump!" the former shouted.

"Look, Pa!" Tsuru III picked out a Dorito with a green stain. "This one still has a bit of green! I say we keep it."

"Oh ho ho, you're so silly, Son!" Tsuru II laughed. "NO ONE WANTS A STAINED DORITO!" He furiously threw it to the sky.

"NOOOO!" Tsuru III cried.

"You big JERK!" Hcaz yelled passionately. "He just wanted a pet Dorito! All he has in his life is a messed-up development system! After everything he's been through, you won't let him have a Dorito with a green stain?! WELL, NO SIR!" He swung his foot and blasted Chuck Norris out of his shoe, dealing a painful blow to the frappé.

"Listen to me, Czar Milkshake!" Hcaz grabbed Doritos from the farm and tossed them like shurikens. "I don't know who you are or how you came to be alive, but you're messing with the wrong kid with anger issues!" Hcaz reached into the soil and grabbed Augustus and Wendy by the ankles. He dug his head in the ground and grabbed Nerehc in his teeth. "I don't know what you may've heard, but I'm more important than I look!" He attacked Tsuru II with Three-Character Style, swinging the three characters like swords.

"No!" Tsuru II struggled to withstand the strikes. "I am the juiciest cup of frappé there's even been, Mon! I am too much for a character as minor as yourself!"

"Well, NEWSFLASH, buddy!" Hcaz threw the three protagonists away and surged with power. "I am better than ANY of those three nerds!" He exploded the ground with his powerful energy. "I AM THE STAR… OF THIS STORY!!!" The entire country was ravaged, and Tsuru II was blasting off with Augustus, Wendy, and Nerehc.

"AAAAH!" From the stars of space, Tsuru II could gaze at the marvel he created. "He…He changed the Earth into… ICE CREAM SUNDAE!" The sight was so bright and magnificent, the czar melted into nothing. "I feel like a bird, Mon…"

"No." stated a man in a tuxedo and bird mask. "I… am Birdman." (End song.)

Hcaz gasped after realizing what he did. He stared at his hand. Having discovered his Bo-bobo Kempo, Hcaz was ready to follow his destiny: to bring peace to the Land of Paper Planes by sending love letters between nations. "Wait, that wasn't in the script! !" Medusa shouted. "You can't just drop a random destiny on some minor character! We don't have time to prepare, it won't look good when we get it out!"

Hey, I worked in Bill Cipher. Now that Czar Baldy Bald II has been defeated, Czar Baldy Bald III was ready to take his place among anime characters with funny English names. He stepped into the throne to Chrome Dome Empire, but behind that throne was a certain stone. Hcaz joined him in approaching it, knowing it was the stone they were looking for: a trapezoid with a nose at the top, and gibberish letters that all looked like B, L, A, or H. "IT'S A TRAPEGLYPH?!" Hcaz gaped.

Baldy Bald read the writing to unlock his destiny (to play as in Smash Bros. Brawl): Congratulations, Baldy, you won the contest! You can choose one of two prizes: A) A membership in the Thirteen Darknesses, or B) your own story in the One Thousand and One Nights.

"I'll take Thousand and One Nights!" Tsuru beamed.

"WHAT?!?" Hcaz yelled infuriated.

Tsuru Tsurulina III awakened as the First Night! Only One Thousand to go! And it was up to Hcaz to-

"I'M NOT SPENDING ANOTHER SECOND IN THIS WORLD!!" Hcaz held a peanut up to Tsuru. "Become a Darkness or I'll test your immune system."

"Gyaaah! Okay!" The czar panicked. "I'll become a Darkness! (Provided I get a free pen.)"

The Trapeglyph sneezed a cloud of dust on Tsuru. Red hair grew on his bald head, the Royal Wig.

Okay, Tsuru III became a Darkness. Only 2 more to go. (Lame.)

Portal Chamber

The Multiverse Portal called Hcaz back eventually. However, the ray of light got stuck in traffic on the 405 Freeway, so Hcaz's stay in Bo-bobo Land was prolonged. He landed before Nerehc with torn clothes and a manic face. "Hey, Hcaz. How was the mission?" Nerehc asked.

Hcaz pointed at him threateningly. "Never. Again." And he stomped away.

Medusa shuddered, feeling a sudden chill down her spine. "What's wrong, Medusa?" asked Thanatos.

"…I'm just remembering… our first meeting with Tsurulina. His powers were unlike any other's… I think he is the only Darkness I dread meeting again."

The 1700s

It was a dark era in history where much of the population had gone without hair. Baldness was an epidemic. There were no beauty pageants and barbers were out of business. Japan was especially targeted for its rather peculiar hairstyles. ("Did we even have those things back then?" Medusa asked.)

Czar Baldy Bald III absorbed all the power from their shaven heads, absorbing the luscious Hair Chi into his veins. "Yes! YES! BWAH HA HA!" The czar brimmed with power as his red hair grew like vines. "Supreme power is at my behest! There is nothing you can do to stop me, Mew!"

"Mewww!" The Ancestral Firstborn spawned eight pink Psycho Spheres and cast them at Tsuru, exploding against him. When the smoke cleared, the czar was protected inside a giant bottle of sunscreen. "It's hopeless! My Hair Hunt powers have reached the maximum level!"

"How does THIS translate to Hair Hunt power?!" Medusa exclaimed.

"Now I will use Special Attack Number 53! The Age of Children and Pie!" The world flashed, creating a sunny landscape where children gobbled up blueberry pie.

"What is THAT supposed to do?!"

"Mister? Would you like some pie?" an adorable little boy asked Tsuru.

"Don't mind if I do!" Tsuru took the pie and ate it. He paused: "WAIT! This pie! It's… BLACKBERRY!" He was blown into the sky.

"Does that cancel out your attack?" asked Medusa.

"No! But a blackberry stole my wallet once and I was in the middle of looking for him! Sorry, Mew, maybe some other time!" The czar zipped off, leaving a trail of dust. Medusa sighed in disbelief.

The gods decided that Mew was the only spirit capable of defeating the mad czar. But even Tsuru's antics tested the Firstborn's imagination. The battle lasted for five days. It ended when Mew caught Tsuru in the School Trap, forcing him to undergo 300 years of remedial English.

"I just wanted to be a physiciaaaan!" Tsuru cried.