F-5. Paradox H.Q.

Somewhere in space

Sector V's C.O.O.L.-B.U.S. carried Sector L's damaged bus with a chain. They were flying in a zone where space was waving like a flag. "You sure the coordinates Cheren sent us were right?" Danny questioned. "Because 'zing-hey-za-doi' isn't a reliable code."

"Like I don't know that." Artie stated. "But this area matches the description. We just gotta find anything that looks like a base."

"Or a purple 8-bit house floating in space." Haruka said.

"This universe would have that kinda thing, wouldn't it."

"No, I'm saying it does." She pointed.

A few miles away floated a purple house made of large, two-dimensional squares, and a triangle for the roof with a chimney. "Um… HELLO?" Haylee spoke through the PA. "Is anybody home?"

"OH ***KING FINALLY, HOW LONG HAVE WE WAITED FOR YOU SLOW-ASS SLOWPOKES SLOWKING SHITTY F***-"

"Guys, you made it! Just fly in through the hangar, we'll meet you."

"It's Cheren!" exclaimed Aurora.

"Preparing to dock!" Haylee announced.

Two squares moved apart, exposing a small black square. Haylee assumed it was the hangar, so she positioned their buses to enter. They landed inside a black, three-dimensional box; the outside of which wouldn't be seen outside the depthless fortress. The kids disembarked, with Eric carrying Melody and Danny holding Manaphy. They entered a doorway to a gray computer room. "Hey, guys." Cheren greeted. "Welcome to Hivebent. Aka, Paradox H.Q.."

"IT IS NOT CALLED PARADOX H.Q.," Karkat shouted, "THAT'S A STUPID IDIOT NAME FOR STUPID IDIOTS THAT VRISKA TOLD YOU FOR SOME STUPID-"

"Karkitty, quit shouting!" 3:< Nepeta the cat-troll smacked his head. "The Kitties Next Door are our guests!"

"a pleasure to finally meet you" Eridan said; he was a fish-troll with a purple cape and purple streak through his hair.

"Hey, what's wrong with Melody?" Cheren asked.

"She's injured." Danny answered. "Melody fought with Davy Jones and defeated him."

"She defeated Jones?!"

"Way to go! ! T)(at's )(ow we fi)(h-people roll!" Feferi Peixes, another fish-troll with a green and light-blue sarong cheered. "Told you guys I was rig)(t to make )(er Manap)(y's Guardian!" 38D

"Wait, what?!" Melody exclaimed. "Whaddyou mean YOU decided?"

"HELLOOOO?" Karkat rolled his eyes. "We created the Firstborn, remember? Why wouldn't we decide their Guardians?"

"K4RK4T W4S PR3TTY P1CKY W1TH TH3 CHO1C3S." Terezi hissed. She wore red glasses and was blind. "4HHH." She walked up to Melody and sniffed her. "YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3 C4NDY."

"BACK OFF, TEREZI." Karkat yanked her back.

"PL34S3, K4RK4T! JUST ON3 WH1FF!"

"Davy Jones said that if Manaphy dies in this new form, he'll be dead forever." Melody mentioned.

"Well, he will." Karkat confirmed. "In case this 2nd Age thing goes the wrong way, we need a backup plan. The main reason we came up with this power-up is because the Firstborn's upgraded powers will be beneficial in creating the New World. But I'm just going to warn you… even if we manage to defeat Lord English, your universe will be anything but peaceful."

"What do you mean?" Cheren asked.

"Don't you get tired of asking that? Anyway, it's not important now. Lord English comes first."

"Ugh! Fine, then start explaining. What do we do about him?"

"Don't we get to introduce ourselves first?" Vriska questioned.

"Yeah! I wanna get to know these guys!" Haruka cheered.

"'kay, but I'll make it quick. I'm the leader, Karkat Vantas, the blind chick is Terezi, Fishgirl is Feferi, Fishboy is Eridan, the butterfly is Vriska, and that one on the computer is Kanaya."

"What's Up?" Kanaya waved.

"♪♪♪" An angel girl hummed some notes and glided around Sugar.

"And she's Chelan. She doesn't talk."

"Hm hm hm! Hi, Chelan!" Sugar giggled.

"I think we should 8egin 8y telling a8out this place." Vriska began. "I know you humans think of it as the First Dimension, 8ut 8efore the craziness happened, we called it the Incipisphere. Cheren's name for this universe is cute, though." :::: )

"you could also think of it as Paradox Space" Eridan mentioned. "our fortress is a safe havven from The Thirteen as it can compress to a single dimension and go unseen. Of course, wwe are lucky that Arceus is keepin Lord English preoccupied"

"Lord English looks at the multiverse like his personal writing desk: he wants to erase everything and rewrite the multiverse in a manner that suits him." Karkat explained. "But thanks to ancient universal laws, people from certain worlds have limited power in other worlds, especially if they're a god like he is. That's why he can't do to other universes what he did to yours, and it's why he needs the Darknesses. Since the Darknesses are each imbued with his will, the universes that they conquer successfully become his to do with as he pleases. But in order to completely establish rule over a universe, the people of that universe have to surrender and submit to them. The Darknesses weren't allowed to kill very many people for that reason."

"it didn't stop them, of course" Eridan commented.

"Yeah." Karkat rolled his eyes. "Okay, any questions before I move on? Come on, I know you guys are scratching your heads."

The kids decided to scratch their heads for his satisfaction. "Um…" Wendy tried to form a question. "Y-You said people have limited power in other worlds… so-; so why are the Darknesses able to attack other worlds and Lord English can't?"

"that, my dear, is the result of the Keyblades" Eridan answered.

"Keyblades are only seen in Dimensional Fusions." Karkat explained. "It should be no surprise that Dimensional Fusions are pretty F**ED up in one form or another. You can expect a little multiverse mayhem to get involved. Keyblade-wielders are certain people of significant destiny that were meant to handle this chaos. If they travel to other worlds, they keep their abilities because they're expected to maintain the balance. So, it sucks to say that evil Keyblade-wielders exist, too. Keyblade-wielders can only be decided by recognized Keyblade Masters."

"Even T)(anos couldn't destroy one planet wit)(out the Keyblade kelping him!" Feferi grinned at the humorous thought. "Glub glub glub!"

"Then that's why English needed Xehanort." Cheren deduced. "It's because he's a Keyblade Master, right?"

"Yup. At least one of you has a brain."

"I asked the question…" Wendy moaned.

"So, it is basically thanks to the Darknesses that Lord English can do anything to the Original Worlds. So, now you might be wondering how English was able to reach the Darknesses in the Original Worlds to begin with."

". . . . ." There were moans of "Uhhhs" and lots of head-scratching.

"It is, in fact, a lot to explain. SO MUCH to explain that I KNOW your heads will explode just trying to understand all this. It irritates me as well, because I KNOW I will have to explain this AGAIN, because the only reason I know all this is because my FUTURE self emailed it all to me!"

"Your future self wrote you all this?!" Sugar yelled.

"Yep! He's the only reason we even know who all you dumbasses are, because THEY are the ones who've been talking to you with the Zoni this whole time!"

"S-So… we've been talking to later versions of you…" Cheren summarized. "Which means… you really don't remember me?" he said to Vriska.

"Not a tiny 8it." She shook her head. "8ut my future self copied and p8sed every convers8ion she had with you to me. Every sordid detail."

Cheren blushed. He had to scratch his head again. "Boy, this whole thing is really complex… and I bet it's about to get even MORE complex! RIGHT, Karkat?!"

"Look, maybe we can touch on it later." Mason stated. "What should be our priority now? Can we at least focus on one thing at a time?"

"The main priority for now is the Thirteen Darknesses." Karkat answered. "Some of the Darknesses, like Dimentio or Xehanort, are important to Lord English's plans, but ALL of them need to be defeated. In fact, another one is Voldemort. I'm sure most of you know Voldemort's story with the Horcruxes; especially that blue chick there." Wendy glanced away and blushed. "What Voldemort did was cast a Multi-Seal Barrier Charm on Lord English. It works in a similar manner to Horcruxes, except instead of dividing his soul, there are thirteen invisible seals that project a barrier around Lord English. The seals need to be destroyed, or else Lord English will remain completely invincible."

"The Thirteen Darknesses." Cheren knew.

"Noooot exactly." Karkat shook his head. "It isn't the Darknesses who bear the seals, but rather their Keyblades. A Keyblade is bound to the will of their master's heart. If the master dies or loses the will to fight, the Keyblade will vanish. Of course, if the master comes back to life somehow, the Keyblade can respawn."

"So we need to make the wielders lose their will to fight?" Aurora asked.

"Either that or kill them and prevent their resurrections. It won't work to only destroy Voldemort or only Xehanort either, because they'll still have the Charm and the Keyblades."

"But couldn't Voldemort cast the charm on more people?" asked Cheren.

"He would need to cast the spell on all the seals at the same time. If he restarted the spell on the same person, he would have to reset all the seals. But you're right to be concerned. It would be best if we destroy Voldemort as soon as possible."

"Didn't Voldemort have the weakest Power Level when Azelf examined him?" Aurora remembered. "It shouldn't be that hard to beat him…"

"Ordinarily, it wouldn't be." Feferi said. "If )(e wasn't possessing t)(at wind mage."

Wendy gasped. "Do you mean my dad?!"

"Lord Vvaati wwas seized by The Thirteen and held hostage aboard their vvessel" Eridan said. "and after three years, Vvoldemort has taken his body as his own. A result of them both possessin a broken soul"

"That's terrible… Carla, we've gotta save him."

"Speaking of saving…" Maddy reached in her pocket and took out two of their Catch Cards. "How do we get these guys out of the cards?"

"D3STROY1NG TH3 C4RDS W1LL 1ND33D FR33 TH3M." Terezi grinned. "YOUR FR13ND W4S NOT WRONG."

"So, we can set these people free and let them stay here?" Melody asked, drawing her cards.

"Cleaned out t)(e guestrooms for t)(at very reason." Feferi said.

"In that case, we'll set them free." Cheren raised his cards and burned them in his hands. The others tore up their cards, resulting in puffs of smoke as the captives poofed into being.

Nepeta hopped on all fours. "This way, pwease! I'll give you a tour around our home." :33 The cat-troll headed to a corridor. The former captives followed and still had no words to describe these events and still unsure of what questions to ask.

"Yo, Mel, I'll take ya to my room." Feferi offered, putting Melody's arm around her neck. "I got waterbending too, ya know. I don't know )(ealing, but I know eeling!"

"What's eeling?"

"Nothin', I just got a lot of eels." 38)

Danny and Eric carried Manaphy and followed them. "There's something I want to ask, too." Jessie spoke. "Do you people know… where Calliope is?"

"Not at the moment." Karkat replied. "However… we do believe that Calliope still exists somewhere, despite her host body Jagar King having been killed. It's why we believe Lord English can't do anything to this universe, yet. And it's because of the bonds the Seven Lights share with their friends that he can't erase you, either."

"Ah'm way too great to be erased!" Sheila grinned proudly.

"We might as well have a rest before we go back out there." Maddy figured. "It actually makes me happier knowing one of The Thirteen is already down. Wait! Sector V, why isn't Dillon with you? I know Kirie got turned into a card, but…"

"Dillon, Carol, and Vanellope decided to go with his dad and Mr. Crystal." Aurora answered. "Nothing bonds a father and son together like saving the universe."

In a black region of space

"Dad, why can't you just admit that we're lost?" Dillon asked in a bored tone, his elbow propped on the side of the glass. Carol sat on his right. The Sandmobile was gliding within a pitch-black region, no sign of life or light.

"Midna likes darkness, doesn't she? If you wanna find her, this is the place to look."

"Dad, for the millionth time, she's the TWILIGHT Princess! She likes sunsets, SHADE, not utter blackness!"

"Utter blackness is just a really big shade, I don't see the difference!"

"'Course you don't…"

"Lay off him, Dillon, he's just an old man." Vanellope said from Carol's computer.

"Vanellope, aren't you 50 years old?" Yuki asked, his feet propped up on the windshield deck.

"My heart is still young, so my body is young!"

"Carol, didn't you say you programmed your computer to detect high frequencies of chi?" Dillon asked. "You can tell if Midna is close, right?"

Carol's computer screen was flashing neon colors and showed a cluster of waving lines. "Not with this reception. It'll take forever for my computer to adapt to this place."

"Hey, kids? Guess what I found?" Nolan pointed forward.

There was a little dot in the middle of the blackness. On the Sandmobile's zoomed-in sensor, the thing's shape was made clear: "Midna?"

"Score one for the old man."

"Well, hurry up, let's ask her what's up!" Carol shouted.

They sped up the aircraft, and Midna's form grew larger as they drew closer. "…Um…" Nolan was baffled by Midna's lack of movement. He slowed the ship when they were close, calmly driving past… Midna was a paper-thin 2-D fake. It scattered into dust in the wind.

"Score revoked." Dillon said.

"Something's not right." Yuki looked around. "I see, like… 12 different Midnas."

Three Midnas on their left, four on their right, and five just above them. "Yyyyeah…" Nolan used the ship's turret to blast all the fakes. "Please don't tell the real Midna I did that."

"Of course I won't." a deep voice said.

The group looked up: Sōsuke Aizen was floating above the Sandmobile, his glare as deathly sharp as ever. "According to Bill, this area is called Bore Space. It's a small area of space so blank that it utterly bores those who enter. You may even find that time has completely slowed down. Iiiiiii deeeeeciiiiideeeeeeeed toooooo o o o o . . . ." His voice grew deeper and slower.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Sandman ejected himself from the Sandmobile, charging a Haki Punch as he rocketed toward Aizen. The Shinigami drew his sword and let Nolan's fist strike, slicing his arm perfectly down the middle.

"DAD/NOLAN/MR. YORK!" They all screamed as Nolan dropped back down in his seat, blood spilling.

"OW!! DAMMIT! AGH…!"

"Dad was using Haki and his arm got split like a banana?!" Dillon exclaimed.

"This is Carol calling any available operatives!" Carol yelled in her computer. "We're being attacked, Mr. York is injured!"

"It's one of the Darknesses, I think his name's Aizen!" Dillon followed.

"This is Sector RZ, we've got your location! We'll get there ASAP!"

"This is Sector JP, we're on our way!"

"I only saw it fitting to add some entertainment to this place." Aizen said. "And nothing entertains like pain."

"You bastard, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you!" Dillon was about to fly up.

Yuki grabbed his leg and yelled, "If your dad can't touch him, you don't stand a chance against that freak!"

"Actually, I will gladly take him." Aizen trapped Dillon inside a black coffin, levitating it up to himself. "Hadō #33: Sōkatsui." He proceeded to burn the Sandmobile in spirit flames before flying away with Dillon.

Not far away, Sector RZ was flying toward a blank, black zone. "Carol's S.O.S. is coming from in there." Lulu mentioned.

"I think they forgot to turn on the lighthouse!" Denny yelled cowardly. However, after a few seconds, there was a red light. "Oh! Never mind."

"Hey, that isn't a lighthouse!" Diwata looked closer. "It's a… METEOR!" She whipped up a Lunar Shield around the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., but the shield and the meteor shattered upon contact. The ship spun wildly for a minute, and when it stopped, they saw Madara Uchiha riding a piece of the asteroid.

"Children like you… make Naruto appear formidable." Madara called Susanoo to attack the ship, but a Crescent Boomerang was all it took to disperse the flaming samurai.

"'Guess I'm more formidable than you THOUGHT!" Diwata taunted.

"You have made a grave mistake."

"Huh?!" Diwata realized the shabby camper was burning in black flames.

"Nothing can douse Amaterasu once it has begun burning." Madara claimed. "But surrender the Firstborn, and I may recall them."

"So, THAT'S what you're after. Well, newsflash, buddy: my Lunar Rain can douse ANY magic curse!" She conjured a blue sphere and tossed it up as it popped into rain. It was not affecting the black flames.

"My power is not magic, but chakra. It seems you have used up your trump card."

"No I haven't!" Diwata warped back inside the ship. "Guys, hold your breath!" She compressed her teammates into little bubbles, then leapt out. "S.S. Loony Luna, ACTIVATE!" She formed a massive ship out of lunar energy and leapt into the cockpit. "Initializing Crescent Cutters!" The ship swung crescent-shaped blades, but Madara grabbed his Gunbai and blocked the attack. His weapon absorbed the energy inside and released it against the cockpit. "AHH!"

Madara leapt up to the cockpit and flashed his Sharingan eyes at Diwata's. She felt as though her mind molded into milk, her pain and concerns going away. "Diwata, what're you doing?!" Lee shouted. "Your ship's disappearing!"

"Now… if you please… the Firstborn…"

Hivebent

Feferi's room had an aquarium on the ceiling, but no glass was protecting it. The water and its alien fish stayed afloat, and Manaphy was happily swimming with them. Melody quite enjoyed the feel of the jellyfish waterbed. "This room's even cooler than mine!"

"I knew you'd like it!" Feferi grinned. ")(ey, w)(en I make t)(ose little ')(' things, they represent H's. I can stop it if it gets annoying, just say the word."

"Um… it's alright." Melody was confused as to how she could see those at all. "But why talk like that?"

"All the trolls have a way of talking. It's just our thing."

"Hee hee!" Melody faced up at the water again. "Feferi, was it really you who made me Manaphy's Guardian?"

"Glup." She nodded. "We designed a lot of people in your universe. Me and Eridan came up with merpeople and Fishmen. 'Course, the gods was the ones who put the fin-al touches. You and yo' mom were always my favorites!"

"How very sweet of you!" Mel grinned. "Even though I feel a little violated."

"Don't worry, I didn't write no news reports."

"Hehe! Well, speaking of which, maybe I'll have a new way of spying on people! Got any embarrassing recordings of Cheren?"

"Not until later."

At this time, the Catch Card prisoners were casually roaming the base. Cheren and Karkat walked down into a living room and saw Usopp standing on a couch and announcing to spectators. "In my home universe, I was the strongest man alive, and commander of over EIGHT MILLION MEN! We ruled the seas from North Blue to South Blue! So, the fact those Darknesses were able to get the best of me just signifies their elite power!"

"Eight million men?!" Sheila's eyes sparkled. "Strewth, we're looking at a real pirate legend! Ay 'ave to fight you in a duel!"

"I'm flattered, Kid, but you should know that I was Corrida Colosseum champion. A battle with a child wouldn't be fair in the-"

Sheila PUNCHED Usopp in the face and knocked him out with one hit. "It's official, Sheila can take out eight million men." Mason nodded.

Wendy was talking to Momo and Chihiro. "Davy Jones sunk my home island under the sea." Momo spoke in a low tone. "My mom and my friends drowned, but Jones took me onboard and ordered me to join his crew. I refused, so he had that blonde boy turn me into a card."

"My parents were stabbed by a bald man with a key, and they turned into pig monsters." Chihiro sobbed. "They told me to run! I ran as fast as I could, but that boy turned me into a card! I was stuck in his pocket for ages with a bunch of other people and- sniff! I don't know where my parents are and I'm worried!"

"It's going to be okay." Wendy placed a hand on her shoulder. "I promise we're going to set everything back to normal. We'll save both your friends and family."

"Hm hm." Cheren smiled. "She knows a thing or two about not having a family. …" He glanced at Karkat. "But none of these guys are probably used to losing a world. You and your friends lost your world millions of years ago, you're all used to it."

"Actually, it only happened a couple weeks ago."

Cheren felt a glass shatter in his brain. "Um… should I question that?"

"Don't bother. I told you if we tried to explain everything, your heads would explode."

"Fair enough. But don't The Thirteen's methods feel a little inconsistent? Killing people, turning them into monsters, trapping them in cards?"

"According to our future selves, the people inside the cards hold significant importance to the universe they're from. Either that, or they're FRIENDS with the important people. So, forcing those people to submit will further establish Lord English's control."

"If you guys can contact your future selves, you can get all the answers, can't you?"

"NOPE, because our jackass future selves are afraid of Lord English peeping on our conversations. They also said you guys 'might not like a few things that happen.'"

"That sounds… worrisome."

"Oh, it's nothing you need to worry a8out, Cherry Cake." (:::: Vriska hung her head upside-down in front of him. "8ut this isn't nicknamed Paradox H.Q. for no reason."

"LORD 3NGL1SH US3S T1M3 TR4V3L 4ND T1M3 P4R4DOX3S TO 4CH13V3 H1S GO4L." Terezi hissed, approaching them with a walking stick. "TO TRULY D3F34T H1M, W3 W1LL US3 P4R4DOX3S OF OUR OWN."

"A few things at a time, Terezi." Karkat told her. "She's our prophet. Terezi gets little glimpses of the future, but they're pretty good ones. Do you have anything for us, Terezi?"

"Y3S… COUGH, COUGH, COUGH!" She coughed into her fist and cleared her throat. With that, she took off her red glasses, exposing blank eyes that were no different in color. She then ripped off the tip of her walking stick, revealing a teal marker. Other operatives gathered and watched as she drew on the floor. Chris Uno was among them, and he looked… taller than usual. "Ahem… There is a group on the outside, working to thwart Lord English." She wrote the letters 'IDA'. "They developed something that can be used to defeat the Darknesses, but the ones who were asked to deliver it have crashed within the Land of Maps and Treasure." She drew an image of a treasure map with polygonal islands.

"That name sounds familiar…" Cheren said.

"There are others that this group were able to rescue. Together, they have been combatting The Thirteen's forces. And the Keeper of Keys must meet one of these heroes, in the Land of Locks and Secrets." She drew a picture of twin keys in a cross and an arrow pointing from them to a keyhole.

"That's Kimaya." Maddy remembered.

"I see more…" Terezi clasped her head. "And I smell something… like dirt. Yes, yes! The one with large feet is going there now!" She drew a foot and an arrow pointing to a cube. "The world of the Destiny Rocks! The Land of Stone and Rocks!"

"And THAT must be the Gibberish Rocks!" Aurora beamed.

"THEY are CALLED PONEGLYPHS!" Karkat fumed. "At least… that's what our future selves wrote."

"Now I smell… rotting frogs. Yuck! It's the Land of Frost and Frogs! But without the frost!" She drew a picture of a frog in a burning ice cube. "It's…It's melting! D4MM1T, W3 N33D THOS3 FROGS!"

"Now she lost me." Maddy shook. "Zach, maybe you can make sense of her."

"Don't be silly, Maddy, what do frogs have anything to do with our current situation?"

"OH, forget it!" Maddy cried. "I'll never be as clever or as funny as you!" So with that, she went to sit on a stool in a closet. "I don't deserve to be in your shadow, Zach."

Mike Wazowski came to pat her back. "If ya want, I can teach ya to be a heck of a scarer. (I was in one of the cards Chris found.)"

"Contrary to both of your points, the frogs are 1ND33D important!" Terezi drew another picture of a snowflake. "And we will need the aid of the icebender to restore them."

"WAIT, I KNOW THIS ONE!" The unusually-tall Chris flailed his arms. "It's, uh… We need Chimchar!"

". . . . . ." He was met with utterly disbelieving and confused expressions. "No, Chimchar is a fire type…" Maddy responded, "and I didn't notice it until now, but there's something different about you, Chris."

'Chris' backed away when Terezi started approaching and sniffing him. "HRRRRR! N3P3T4, F4K3R!"

Nepeta leapt up from behind the adult and SLICED off his disguise with blue claws! The man underneath the clothes was one the heroes recognized: "IT'S BALDY BALD!" Maddy screamed.

"Aw, crud!" cursed Baldy. "That disguise was nearly flawless! There's no way you could've found out that I wasn't Chris!"

"Guess again!" Zach smirked. "A discolored uvula tipped me off!"

"B4ST4RD!" Terezi hissed at him. "1 W4S TH3 ON3 WHO C4UGHT H1M!"

"Everyone, be careful!" Cheren yelled at the guests, drawing his blade. "He's one of the Darknesses! In fact, I think he was the one that Sector W7 encountered!"

"What did you do to Mocha?!" Maddy went Haki Fury and grabbed his shirt to pull him down to her level.

"What do you mean, I didn't drink any mocha! But seeing all this HAIR around, I think I'm due for some LUNCH!" He grabbed Maddy's head and drained her bald.

"Eeek!" Maddy released him and clasped her orb-shaped head in agony.

"Super Fist of Red Magic: Hungry Hair Hydras!" The czar sent red energy snakes from his back, latching onto Chihiro, Tails, Melody, and Russel Thrush to absorb their hair follicles.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Wendy cast the Bind Curse at Baldy, but this merely turned him into a coat-hanger.

"Your puny magic won't effect me!" Baldy poofed behind Wendy and clasped her head. "But I bet your hair tastes like blueberry!"

"Get OFF HER, you cretin!" A white-haired Nimbi woman stamped Baldy with a high-heel kick. Charle landed beside her daughter. "Is your hair okay? You waited so long to get these ponytails the way you wanted them."

"They feel fine, Mom, really."

"OW!" Baldy felt stinging pain in the place her heel dented. When he recovered, he noticed Sugar had come down the stairs. "ZOWZA! When I'm done with her hair, I don't wanna stop there!!" The erratic czar scrambled to his feet and charged for her.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Sugar grabbed her hair and embraced for the worst.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Zach demanded.

"HNNN?!" Baldy looked up the stairs.

"Touch one hair on her head and I'll kill this bunny!" Zach was holding a knife to Rabbit.

"WHAT?!" Rabbit cried. "I don't even know that freak, why would he care about me?!"

"NOOOOO!" Czar stormed up the stairs, tears flying behind him. "I need that rabbit for my Alice In Wonderland Real Experience on the King Dutchman!"

"Couldn't you just kidnap the actual people from the universe?" Maddy commented.

"They said they only show up for unbirthday parties."

"GUESS WHAT, SO DOES THIS GUY!" Zach stuffed Rabbit in a cannon and BLASTED Baldy all the way down the stairs. "Sheila, the fridge!"

"WAY ahead of ya, Mate!" Sheila grabbed the living room's refrigerator and plopped it in the way Baldy was flying. The czar crashed into the open fridge, prompting Sheila to close it.

"No! You can't leave me in here! I have a movie to get to!"

"Catch it when it's out on DVD." Cheren retorted. "But if he was pretending to be Chris, where's the real Chris?"

"Over here." A blinding light suddenly ignited.

"HOLY BLIMEY!" Sheila gaped at Chris's sunny form. "He's been shaven so well, he's shiny!"

"I'll sew his clothes, so he has something to wear!" Wendy yelled.

She used magic to repair Chris's clothes and fit them back on. When the light dimmed away, they noticed an old-timey telephone on the floor. It had a gold pyramid with an eye. "That must be what Baldy uses to contact Bill." Artie figured.

As if on cue, the phone rang. "Guys, don't answer it." Cheren cautioned. "I think we oughta destroy it so he can't-"

Zach answered it. "Hello, Secret H.Q. Pizza Delivery Service, here to satisfy your inter-dimensional needs!" Everyone gaped at him in disbelief.

"PLAH HA HA HA! Very funny, Zachy, I know it's you! I still see everything from those triangles!"

"Is that Bill?" Jessie came down the stairs.

"Polokus, nice to see you! Hey, Unfunny Clown, put the Bubble Wizard on the line."

Jessie came over and took the phone from Zach. "What the *** do you want, Bill?"

"Is that any way to greet an old friend? Lord English knew that Tsuru would stumble upon your hideout by chance. Now that I know what you're planning, it'll be easy to arrange counter-attacks!"

"Can't Lord English already tell you what we're planning if he knows so much?"

"Ordinarily, he could, but ever since that cheap twist Zach pulled at Enies Lobby, he hasn't been in his right mind. Not that it makes your chances any better. So, listen, Polokus, I've got a little show set up for you! Come to the Land of Circus and Flying, and bring the songbender."

"Does he mean me?" Sugar wondered.

"Yes, I mean you. Someone very important to you is on this planet. If you don't come, I'm going to kill her!"

Sugar gasped. "Meloetta!"

"Bingo! Poor Firstborn, tucked safely in her egg. In her 2nd Age form, she's vulnerable as a newborn. But I'm sure we can strike a deal. So, both of you come on down to LOCAF. I don't care who you bring with you, but see that they don't interfere. P.S.: You know that thing we did with Specter a while back? Well, I've rigged Baldy to self-destruct."

"WHAT?!" the refrigerator jumped.

"Ten seconds, bye!" Bill hung up.

Maddy and Sheila used their Midas and Haki arms to lift the fridge and bolt up the stairs. They set the fridge in the hangar, positioned at the exit. "NOW, Sheila!" Both spun their fists and sent the czar flying into Paradox Space. The word POP flashed in the place where the fridge exploded, and sounded like a balloon.

Cheren sliced Bill's phone in half. "Quick thinking." Karkat complimented. "But they're probably going to send soldiers to this area. We're going to have to move locations. You all should leave this place and continue your missions."

"No reason to keep Bill waiting, I suppose." Jessie was ready to leave.

"The HELL do you think you're going?! It's OBVIOUS Bill is setting a trap for you! You're one of the Seven Lights, it's too risky for you to go!"

"Well, Mr. Contacts-His-Future-Self, TELL ME IF I'M GOING TO F**KING DIE!"

"I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, SMARTASS!"

"I'LL BET YOU DON'T, DUMBASS!"

"Now I do believe you designed us." Cheren said to Vriska, smiling at their banter.

"Please, stop fighting!" Wendy pleaded. "Me and Carla will go with them for support."

"Then I guess my sector will go to this treasure map planet." Aurora decided.

"Strewth!" Sheila and Maddy came back down. "Nothing would make this adventure better than a good old-fashioned treasure hunt! Uh… hehehehehe!"

"What?" Chris cocked a brow.

"You and Maddy look like infants! AHH HAH HAH HAH!" At this, the two grabbed their bald heads and blushed.

"Wait, why am I ashamed?" Chris smiled and put on his sunglasses. "I say I look like dad." He spoke in British.

"Ha ha ha! Okay, team, let's get a move on!" Cheren said.

As everyone set to leave the base, Terezi grabbed Cheren's arm. "GRQ'W WUXVW WKH VSLGHU3LWFK!"

"What?!"

"1T'S 4 C43S4R C1PH3R. YOU KNOW HOW TO SOLV3 CRYPTOGR4MS, R1GHT?"

"Um… yes?"

"GOOD. TH3N G3T LOST!"

Cheren took his arm back and exited with a creeped-out expression. Vriska floated near the ceiling, staring at Terezi suspiciously.