68 To Want Versus To Be Able

Rafal really wanted to sleep with a woman. He wanted to see if he would be able to feel the pleasure of intercourse with another person. Marzena's foot that was playing with his intimate zone did quite a good job and Brylski's manhood came alive.

In that case, maybe he could actually satisfy his partner and himself? After all, he was not impotent. His manhood was alive and becoming more active under the caress. There would be no problem putting it where it needed to be and doing what needed to be done and the way it needed to be done. Rafał knew the practice. He would definitely give Marzena pleasure. He would definitely bring her to orgasm. He himself should too...

But there was ice in Rafal's mind and heart. Even for a moment he couldn't ignite the passion inside himself. The extremely beautiful and sexy actress was no temptation for him.

Brylski could have gone to bed with Marzena. He could have made his own, but it would have been an empty physical act where there would be no passion or intimacy. A mere copulation devoid of heart and desire.

He didn't want that for himself or for Marzena.

Rafal smiled pale and leaned toward his older friend.

“Marzena, I'm sorry, really, but I... Forgive me, but I think I'm too much of a good boy. I respect you too much to treat you so objectively. The whole world may be sexually liberated, but for me there can't be sex alone. There has to be love. And as much as you are absolutely sexy, beautiful and seductive, I doubt you really have time to fall in love with me. I certainly haven't had time to fall in love with you. And that's why... I'm sorry...”

To spurn such a woman for many men was a sin. For a woman it might have been an insult, but Rafał couldn't help the fact that the prospect of sex with Marzena repulsed him. Yes, she was beautiful, sexy and seductive, but her spells weren't working on him and Rafał actually wanted to get away from this place. He was too ashamed to continue looking into this woman's eyes.

Marzena blushed and moved her leg back.

“It was worth trying” she shrugged her shoulders.

“I'm sorry” he murmured again, quietly, actually barely audible.

“Are you sure you won't change your mind?”

Something twitched in Brylski's mind. Maybe he should try after all? Maybe his passion would be awakened when he was closer to a woman? Maybe this was just the opportunity he had been missing to light a fire?

***

No, he can't do that, he can't. He can't just go to bed with a woman and hope for a miracle. He would like to do it, he would like it very much and maybe one day something in him will move and he will desire Marzena...

“Maybe, in the future” he said “but not today. I think I am too focused on my work and can't find the mood for romance...”

He lied, although he did it quite unconsciously. After all, he had found a romantic mood for himself earlier. The mood was romantic and so erotic that until today he could not shake off that impression. Probably, if now he had Damian in front of him, instead of Marzena, his answer would be completely different.

“I hold you to your word," Skierska said. “You know, I am rather a liberated woman. It may be shocking for prudish circles, but I have no problem with a one-night adventure. So if you feel like it, you know where to find me.”

***

Anita stood outside the pizzeria through the window looking at the couple barely visible from that spot.

Rafal and Marzena had gone to dinner together tonight and it was the first dinner for the two of them.

Anita couldn't help feeling jealous. She wasn't jealous of their dinner, but of the fact that Skierska had begun to get close to Rafał. Of course, because of his asexuality, the actress would not get intimate with him, but who knows to what extent she would get closer. Maybe she'll even become his friend, or... Rafał will decide to try to break his sexual resistance with her?

Jealousy as sour as sour wine has broken into Anita's heart. If Rafal ever decides to experiment, he should do it with her, but he has made it clear that Anita is like a sister to him. Even for tonight's kiss, Brylski reacted too violently.

He pushed her away panicked, as if he had just been forced to break the world's greatest taboo.

Anita immediately felt guilty. She had always wanted to kiss Rafał, always craved it like something most precious in the world. She fantasized about it during the day, dreamt about it at night. She had always imagined that it would be a beautiful moment for her and for him.

But Rafał had pushed her away almost with revulsion.

Was it because he really saw her as a sister, or because any activity involving sex (and the kiss clearly involved it as an appetizer) elicited such a reaction from him?

The beautiful dream of an equally beautiful kiss was gone. Rafał did not reciprocate her passion. He acted like a frightened animal caught by a poacher and fighting for its life.

Why? Why the hell is this beautiful and gorgeous young man so panicky about sex? Does it have something to do with his childhood and the fact that he was abused then?

Anita remembered a naked boy standing in the snow and frost. The boy was standing in front of his house, exposed to neighbors and passersby. Did such public exposure and humiliation as a child take its toll on a growing man? Sex was associated with nudity, with sharing one's body, and Rafał as a child was forced to stand naked in front of his house like a living child pornography.

Growing up Rafal was always ashamed of his body. It required a lot of commitment from Anita's parents to tame him to the fact that his body wasn't bad. Her dad took him to the pool and to sports competitions where athletes performed in shorts and short-sleeved shirts showing their knees and elbows. There was also the beach, and when Rafał was a teenager, the gym. There were also contact sports such as taekwondo and Rafal became accustomed to his body and to the touch of others, but he never allowed anything erotic.

That kiss today that Anita initiated must have come as a shock to Rafał. Immersed in the moment, Janiszek didn't think that after all it could also be the first kiss for him, because after all what he did with Marzena during the shooting of the series could not be called kissing. Maybe Rafał imagined that his first kiss would be with someone to whom he would open his heart and whose body he would desire? Meanwhile, she, thinking of herself, mindlessly threw herself at him causing him to panic.

She could only hope that she did not hurt him too much. In fact, Brylski cooled down rather quickly, but didn't Anita make another wound appear in his heart?

Janiszek had no way of checking it out. All she could do was pray to God that her rash behavior would not bring another emotional scar to poor Rafał's heart.

Anita turned and walked away. She had not yet fallen so low as to peep at Rafał through the window. She was no stalker of his after all.

She had gone only one block when suddenly it seemed to her that in the twilight of the summer evening she caught sight of two familiar male silhouettes holding hands and disappearing down a narrow alley.

But no, she must have seen something. After all, she could not have seen Różycki and Wolak together in such a situation...