It's Me...

You never know, when your life starts changing. When it happened to me, I thought it was all because of me. I thought that whatever happening in my life or around me was my fault. But, Seriously, Why do I think about that shit? I don't know, why do I always think, whatever going on is my fault?

Do I need someone to blame? But maybe there was no one so I took it out on myself. At first, It was not that hard, but with time I got depressed and anxious. I punish myself for not being perfect, for not being that person who was much better than me. When I won't able to focus, the first thing that comes to my mind is that " What the fuck is going on with me? " I slap myself and say " I will kill you if you don't study properly, Put your Shit together if you don't want to get hurt. "

I don't know why I do this always but seriously, Am I dumb or what?

Do you also feel like this? Make sure you ask yourself this question.

Yeah, So let me introduce myself a little. I am a simple girl who just cares a lot. You may be gonna feel the same as me in some chapters too, Especially teenagers. Cause their life is way too diverse from adults. I am not saying that adults' lives a way easier, I know they are also trying hard. So, for now, let me stop this bullshit and let me tell you some stories about myself.

I don't remember much about me, when I was born, I was fat as fuck, had big eyes, and was a crybaby. Now I am 18 years old, a thin girl but still a crybaby, the only difference is that I stopped telling others that I cry, just like most teens and adults do out there. Some people told me not to cry, but yeah, it happened. I wanna tell everyone that crying is good. You feel good after you cry. So if it's hard, just cry. It doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl, you can cry and you are enough.

Well, Let me ask you a question-

What was your source of happiness when you were a child? For me, it's finding a best friend, the friend with whom I can tell everything, the friend with whom I can be myself, a friend who gonna be always there for me. I have been finding that friend for the last 18 years though, but never got one or maybe I don't even know what a friend means. Even if I have a lot of friends, I can't figure out if they pity me or are my friends. I am confused. Yeah, I indeed get excited when someone says that she is my friend or she is my close friend. But they never actually mean it- that's what I think mostly. When I was in primary school, my performance was great, I did my best to participate in competitions and yeah, maybe I only studied and did my best in classes. That's how I got some temporary friends. You may be thinking why I am using temporary friends here, well, Have patience, you will know soon. There was a girl and she got close to me, somehow I felt like yeah, she is my friend, but then the next day, she sat with someone else. I was really upset but I did not say anything. I just sat on my seat and studied. A lot of these incidents happened so I was never able to know what even a friend means.

It's not like I never got any friends though. I got a lot of good friends. The thing is that I only wanted one close friend who loves me a lot and never thinks of leaving me but instead, whenever I get attached they leave. So, now I am scared of getting attached, what if they leave me and I choose to stay? What if I don't want to go away? Was I even important to them? But then I control my feelings like we all do and say, it's fine. After that, I got to know that "If someone wants to leave, let them." They must have a reason for that and if they don't, then just think of yourself and ask " Do I deserve it ?" If it's no, then be selfish and focus on what you deserve and if it's yes, then you need to get your shit together cause others are more important to you in your own story and yeah, you are not the main character, my love, in your own story. It's the dark truth but you are losing yourself the time you start you give priority to someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

I read this somewhere, " Understand your shit, Feel your shit but never lose your shit. "

Whenever something bad happens to me now, I don't mostly ask why. Why the fuck it has to be me? I just accept that maybe it's my fate. But when I ask this question, that person is damn important to me and I can't take the risk of losing that person. So, even if there are times when I feel hurt by that person, I ask them why. they give stupid reasons, and then I know one thing, I have to accept my fate. Again. Cuz yeah, I am also lost and instead of losing that person, I accept it. It's like accepting ourselves and it's okay to feel everything and also nothing at a time.

But remember this, " EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T FIND THAT REASON, IT IS ALRIGHT. "

so take time, take enough time, and just keep going. One day, you gonna find that reason, and you will be relieved then. I love you all. just remember. We all are important.

GOOD LUCK!!!

to be continued....