Do they care?

Growing up is a bit weird, charming, yet stressful. I think a lot. I even observe a lot. I get obsessed easily. Even at times, I behave like a small kid who wants attention. Of course, I do a lot of weird stuff. Also, I am learning to love myself more, Care for myself, and help myself instead of thinking that people will do that for me. I sound pretty mature, like an all-known girl, don't I? There are still parts of me, that want to be loved. I know very well that others have hard it on them. If I am having a conversation about this with my other self, then maybe it will turn out like this- 

' How do you know that? ' 

' I have been told this, just a bit or maybe a lot. '

' Ohh, Who told you something like this? ' 

' Well, My ex-boyfriend.' 

' You even got a boyfriend in the past.' 

' Somehow yea, haha.' 

' So, how was your experience?' 

' hmm, Experience. Well, It was worse than I expected. '

'Ohh, sorry. so, why did he tell you that thing? ' 

' Because I cried a lot. I had depression at that time, but He wanted me to be an amazing girlfriend. So ...'

' So what, say something I am curious' 

'Ha ha, omg, you are? So I played along. I don't call that a mistake but eventually, it became my biggest trauma. '

' It feels funny and embarrassing. '

' Ikr. ' 

' I wanna know more about it.' 

' You will, soon. ' 

The best I love about me is myself. But sometimes, I hate myself more than anyone can. My parents love, care for and show me affection. Though, not always. There are times when they hurt me more than any enemy could have done. Thinking about enemies, I don't know if I have one. I have people in my life for whom I care deeply, but unfortunately, they have hurt me more than once. It doesn't always happen, but it's not rare. The people, I am talking about are my family. Surely, it is not the big actions but the small ones. Small ones because I observe. Growing up, I learned many things. My favourite thing I have learned is never to let others make you feel bad for who you are. 

 Still, even after knowing everything, I get hurt easily. Isn't it worse how people can easily be so friendly and then ignore you like you were never anything for them? How is it so easy for them to do it? Even if they are your best friend, or a brother or a boyfriend. How is it so easy for them to crush your feelings? How is it so easy for them to just remove you from their life? If I ever did that, I was so struck with my guilt that I couldn't even able to forgive myself. I am like that. Even when you just confront them, they just make a mess of your feelings. Where is the reassurance? What has the world become? Why did the kids, The teens and even the young adults start making fun of feelings? Why did everyone become so distant all of a sudden? 

Why are those who once were our comfort zone are so far now, that they can pass by you so easily but can't even ask you if you okay or not? Why the friendships are not double-sided anymore? Even if they are, how can the other person don't even think twice about breaking the friendship? I guess we as humans were not this much heartless? 

 Or Were we?

But somehow I got the answer. No one cared. Maybe sometimes, I have felt like they did care but they never cared. But I know my family care for me. But because of my guilt, I don't want to tell them I feel nothing. I don't want them to know. So, I am trying. I am becoming Mature. Trying to get the fact that No one cares. Let's just stop expecting that they will treat me the way I want to be treated.