My diary

Do you guys ever write a diary? I did. Back in 2021, when I got diagnosed with depression, I started writing it when I couldn't find a way to love myself. Not daily, but whenever I got a hard time or wanted to tell myself That If no one gonna love me, I would always do it. My mental health started deteriorating in 2020. In 2021, I started writing a diary, some letters, and some motivation, like, The fights between me and my anxiety start now. We got this. But When I read it again, I feel like How long is this fight gonna be?

 "11 Feb 2022, Hi, There are a lot of things that I want to tell you. But I don't know what those things are. I feel like I am drowning in the water and everything eating me up. I want to start over but I don't know how. Yesterday, I read some lines, " STOP JUST EXISTING, START LIVING. " But how do you start living? It is hard. A lot. I want to escape. I want to keep( I don't know anymore). Can I run away? I keep saying to myself that I am fine, I am safe and I am okay. But way? Why is it not helping me? This is too hard. I think everyone is talking about me, laughing at me. I feel centred and stressed and want to run away. I am scared but I don't know how to react to it. My hair looks okay, right? Am I weird? I want to be happy. Can anyone just tell me, how I start living instead of just EXISTING... " 

 " 12 Feb 2022, Hi, I am having anxiety again. It's increasing. I can't concentrate. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to wake up from bed. I just can't stop my hands from fidgeting. My muscles are stiff and they hurt a lot. I can't do anything. I want to tell someone that I am scared. I don't know who to reach. I am scared. I want to cry but it's hard. I feel like I am stuck. stuck. I feel anxious even when I am alone. I want to love myself, and I love myself but I just feel like I don't know. I just don't know. I just can't figure it out. I need help. If I continue like this, I may end up going to a psychiatrist again. I can't just tell my parent what I am feeling. I am even scared of thinking about what they gonna think. I read it somewhere that LIFE IS ABOUT MOVING. But How can I move on? How can I move? I want to stop it. I really want to stop it. " 

 " 13 Feb 2022, Yesterday, at night, at a social gathering, I got an anxiety attack. It was really bad. Like, yes, I told myself yesterday that I would try to do my best to control my anxiety but I was not ready for a sudden attack. But I told my parents about my panic attack. nothing happened. I survived again. But It's still hard to breathe. But I am fine, better than before, I think. But what If it got worse again? I am Fine. I am fine. I AM FINE. I AM ALRIGHT. I don't know if I am getting better or it's just my anxiety letting me go or It's all just because I am alone. I don't know. Even if It's hard to concentrate, I am ready to do it. I can do it. I am alright. YES, EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. Again I am here the same day, Hi, I don't know what's happening to me. I am losing it. My chest feels tight. My hands are trembling. Yes, Yes, I am indeed Fucking scared. I don't know what's scary, But I am scared. I wanna put an end to it, I wanna stop it. I am scared of going in public, I can't even go to my tuition. Yeah, I admit that I am scared. But I just can't say it. Cause I am even scared of telling it to anyone else. The time is just too slow. My chest feels like It will collapse. And It's hard to breathe. I feel dizzy. I need help. But even though, I am asking for help, why is no one responding? I asked my parents why they were not responding to anything. Is it because I am the one who is stuck? I keep doing it. I don't know why, why it is all happening. I don't want to go to see a psychiatrist. But I don't know. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live like this. My whole body is going sore. I am having a headache and my mind is dizzy. I don't feel like eating. My back is hurting. I don't have the strength to do things anymore. I have to go to school but I am way too scared to go. I am scared, please... " 

As I read them, I found that It was the same back then, but right now, My limits increased. 

People can just tell you to move on when You can't. They gonna tell you to accept it, to forget every bad thing, But you can't. 

 When my thighs got burned in Nov 2022, It took me one month to recover. That time, It was painful, The scars are still there, But I was happy. somehow that one month when my leg was burned became the happiest month for me because people showed that they care. anyone could have seen that I was not okay. I was in pain, so They didn't ask me if I was all alright, they cared for me. But when I was mentally exhausted, no one could see the pain. Because I looked alright. Because I said I am okay. 

 You might want to ask me, Didn't everyone ask me If I was okay when my thighs got burned? I said I was okay. Whenever someone asks me If I am okay, I said I am okay. I said I will be fine. I said I was busy that's all. Even when I asked myself if I was alright, I said I was okay. I am fine. 

To be continued...