My diary - Part 2

" 14 Feb 2022,

Hi, As you already know who I am, Then Let's start. It's 2:28 pm right now. But still, today was not very bad until now. Cause no one came to meet me. I did not go to school today because I was scared, I feel like I want to die but still, I am scared. My mental health became a mess. I sometimes smile like a psychopath in my condition. My chest just feels like It will kill me. I can't concentrate at all. I can't speak. I can't speak. I can't breathe. My heart is hurting. But I am still telling myself that ' I am okay'. Even if I'm lying to myself 100 or more times in a day. What about others? No one cares. Because everyone has their problems. That is true. I have to live like this. So, I am trying other things rather than therapy. I don't need it. I am fine. I just have to keep telling myself that ' I am fine. I am okay. I am fine. I AM FINE. ' It's 5 pm right now. I am at the tuition and I want to go home. I feel hot and disturbed, My heart is beating too fast. My cheeks are flushed. I am anxious again. It's 11: 41 pm right now. I will try to wake up even though that's gonna be hard but still, I can do it. Yeah, I admit that I am not that much of a good daughter. and, Yeah, I can do it. I am going to school tomorrow. I don't know how I will go. But I have to go. I can't stay isolated. " 

" 15 Feb 2022, 

Hi, Here I am, again, with lots of stress and anxiety, It's 12:13 pm right now and I am in school. I had to come to school today because of the practicals. I am done. I feel dizzy. I feel like my brain is swelling up and I am having a bad migraine. I can't concentrate. I can't see properly. But I am still telling myself that I am alright but it feels like just pretend. I am scared and I just want to scream and run away from the class. I don't know what's happening. I just wanna run away but I can't." 

Now that I think about myself, I feel happy. I went through it and I fought it. I also don't know why I am writing my diary here, but I just tell everyone, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Yeah, We all are in this together. Highs and lows in our lives are a lesson that makes us strong enough to feel happy even in situations that are not easy to handle. I still have a lot of daily diaries in my tiny notebook. I wrote them in 2022 and now 2024 is coming to an end. After these years, reading my diary feels like a high five to my old self because I have become strong and happy.

 I have this faith now that everything will be alright. 

Now I have something I wrote and It's quite interesting. 

" 30 Sept 2022,

Hey, I am back to writing my diary after a month. Sorry, I never felt like writing those depressing shit. But this time, I wanna get back to myself. To that boy, who came into my life through this online world, Thanks for breaking me into so tiny pieces that are even hard to pick up. No matter how hard I try to pick them up, nothing comes into my hand. Do you even know how much you guys meant to me? But you left me alone just because I had self-doubt. I was always there for you when you needed me when you cried when you were sad and Damn, you left me when I needed you the most. Good, That's great. But don't you worry? I ain't gonna hurt you guys the way you hurt me. But remember, I am not gonna forget it. I can't forget it. You guys said I am an attention seeker and selfish, right? You did all this shit to me for what? Did I hurt you? Did I ever do it, Tani? Even when you knew how much You meant to me, telling it all I just want to say Fuck you. Because you never even gave me any reason. What happened? You were always there for me when I had panic attacks. Then why did you break the pieces? You helped me get myself back together only to break me like this? Why did you break the friendship when I even gave you all the space you needed? You said to me, 'Be mature'. Do I even let go of feelings now? If being mature according to you means to forget everything and carry on with your life with a smile on your face and think like nothing happened. Then I am sorry. I ain't that strong. I am not this mature who can carry on with life while smiling on the outside but feeling miserable. Yeah, telling you the truth, I lost my appetite, I lost my sleep, I lost myself, I feel nothing, I feel numb. It's hard that I only feel the pain stuck in my chest, in my head but I can't let it out. I can't cry. Because I feel even more selfish even when I cry now. But Tani, If I was selfish, I wouldn't have stayed with you till the last. If I were selfish, I would not cry for you. But you know what hurts the most, even after knowing how much it going to hurt me, I stayed by your side. I just wanted to stay by your side. Why do you know me really well, even way better than my family? You told me once that you gonna be there for me in all my panic attacks. But now why have you become the reason for my panic attacks? Just one time, If you have asked me if I am okay, maybe it was way more than enough for me. Why did you leave me when I stayed even when I got so damaged in the past that I can't even feel myself? No matter how much I write, my mind never gets calm. Have you ever thought of me even as a friend? Ever?? I wish you gave me at least a reason. But you know what, don't be sad, Stay happy because your mom only has you. Don't be sad because she cares about you the most. Again, I am gonna say You were an amazing person, maybe you were just a kid who didn't how to maintain friendships. I didn't regret meeting you. I only regret making all the efforts for you just to stay by your side. " 

Now that I think about what I wrote back then, I think It's all true. I can never forget about him, not because he hurt me. But because he gave me some feelings that no one can replace. But now I have been moved on finally. I don't feel any hate toward you. I feel happy I finally let go of you and we both are seeking happiness in our own ways. I cried when I was writing it again here, remembering you gonna be a great memory but Yeah, I don't want you again in my life. I know that very well. Also, Now I have become selfish and mature. Still dumb but I think I will not cry for stupid people now.