Escaping regrets

Leila woke up and turned the light on in the kitchen. It's still eleven in the evening and she felt hungry. She went to check the fridge and got a slice of mango ice cream cake. She realized that Sasa might be hungry and tried to knock at her bedroom door. But there's no answer, so she thought Sasa is still asleep. Little did Leila know that Sasa left to the bar. Earlier, before Sasa went to her girls at the bar, she opened the guest room's door to check on Leila. She went in and took the liberty to kiss the woman, but when she was about to, she saw that Leila have been crying. Her cheeks are wet and her eyes swollen. She has tissues on her side that made Sasa felt sad and hurt. Sasa moved her gaze away from Leila and coldly ignored what she felt and walked out of the room. She was angry at herself or maybe with Leila for loving her or maybe for everything that's been happening now that all is fine with Leila. And that maybe she'll be left out again, out of Leila's life or heart because she is well or whole now.

I went home thinking that Leila is asleep. I didn't bother to knock or check on her but I almost jumped and peeped my pants (if I still thought I was wearing them, since I was so drunk, I didn't even know how I got home riding my bike), when I found her standing and waiting for me I think. I felt so dizzy and not in the mood for small talk so I just said hi and went straight to my room. Leila stopped me by holding my arm and smelled me, got angry and slapped me over and over again (so what happened earlier when she was just massaging my breasts and kissing me, throwing herself to me, what happened to that?).

Stop it Lei, I don't want to talk now, let me sleep first and we'll talk later!, I said blabbering and smiled at furious Leila. I didn't know what to do to stop her from nagging, so, I kissed her, even if she is still slapping and punching me. Though it hurts a lot since she knows karate and boxing, I felt that I deserve it all, yet, I can't love her, only her. I hate to burst her bubbles but I can't be faithful to her now. Leila calmed down and cried, her tears flowed while I kiss her. Maybe, she wanted this and so I touched her face, neck and body and continued kissing her mouth. Leila kissed me back and pulled me closer to her. She undressed and took my clothes off too.

I felt she wanted me and I want her too but still feeling scared of falling in love with her again. Yet, I couldn't stop myself from needing and lusting for every bit of her skin, smell, touch, kiss and moan. We made wild love that dawn of day and woke up regretting, why did I lose myself again with Leila, why?

I didn't know what I was doing, maybe I wanted it to really happen but I was drunk or high maybe. But I wanted to make love to Leila because I love her yet I am so scared that she might leave me again. I wouldn't be able to take it, my heart won't take the hurt or another the heart break. I have been through a lot and have gone through misery after misery and Leila was the first person who broke my heart, me and my innocence. She was my first in almost everything, my first friend, my first kiss and my first person who I slept with and plucked me. I am not a flower nor a plant but the way I saw it, Lei wanted a pet or someone at her beckon call, and I played that part. But not anymore, I am done playing that part and I will stand up for me and she will have to learn to live with that or accept the new me.

Hi, good morning!, Lei on my bed still naked and hot, saying sweet things to me that I can't resist looking at her beauty. God, she is still gorgeous. Hi!, I need to go to work. See you later!, the only thing I was able to say, maybe I looked silly but I was able to resist her and ran away from what could've have happened if I stayed. Yeah, so much for me standing up for my right or acting like I didn't care about what happened to us last night. Shit!, I am so pathetic. I looked like a wimpy teenage girl. I drove my car without showering or brushing my teeth. Well, I have my own unit at my office so it didn't matter. I need to sort my feelings out and avoid Leila for a while. I heard Lillian's conference was a success. Time really does fly, it's been three months already, and she's back in New York, wow! I called her to go straight to my mansion where Leila is staying now. I wanted to spend more time in the office and work on my plans on expanding my branches to Canada and Australia. Bionic merchandise is getting popular these days that people wanted implants and body enhancements since it's beginning to be a fad among teen agers and young adults who have joint issues.

Gerrie smiled at me when I took a shower at my unit and heard her mumble something which I think was about Leila. You can't run away forever Sasa, Leila is here now, so why not make amends and face your fears. Love isn't always happy or easy, it's supposed to be complex and fun, crazy and silly. Problems are just there for us to resolve our issues with ourselves or our partner. Leila is a nice woman. Why not talk to her or something, sort things out with her and just let go of the past hurts. For God's sake!, Gerrie added and as I went out of the shower hearing everything she said. I still wanted to ignore the fact that even if I wanted to forgive Leila, I still feel betrayed and the hurt comes back again and again haunting me like a bad dream.

Gerrie, stop it! I understand where you're coming from but I can't seem to forget and my heart can't seem to forgive her. I love her but the hurt is so deep that making love to her is a torture and I thought if I'd help her and she comes back to me like the old days, it would be enough but no, it got more worse since she's well and whole now. I don't know but I feel insecure of what she has become now and I'm the same old me still desiring for someone who only cares for herself. Ahhhh...maybe I don't know her well as I thought or I knew I did. Leila has changed and so did I.

Speaking of Leila, she's calling your cellphone. So, you want me to answer it or..., Gerrie said handing me my cellphone and ticked the answer button. Hello, Sasa, are you there? Can we talk, please? Sasa!, Leila said and I couldn't hang up so I said yes and that we can meet at the nearby bar, which I thought was a good idea, when I remembered that Beca and my regular girls are there. Ah, it's too late to change the plan and the place. Leila is already there when I arrived at the exact table where Beca would sit and hold my arm to bring me to a quieter place and room to have sex and do her tricks and dirty stuff to allure and make me relax. Beca came and was about to kiss me on the lips, when I stopped her because Leila was looking at us from the far end. Leila's eyes saw me and Beca kiss, the bar girl's arms wrapped around my neck like a snake and Leila's eyes was fierce and angry looking the other way.

I talked with Beca, not tonight, and she gave me a torrid kiss on the mouth that I almost wanted to fuck her right then and there, but my thought was with Leila and how she must have felt seeing me with another woman. Which in fact felt great, thinking that Leila is jealous and that of all these years that she left me and got jealous of all the guys she fucked, I don't care about what she thinks now but how I feel whenever I'm with my girls, powerful, strong, as if I am their god, so, who is Leila to me, for all I care.

I sat adjacent to Leila who looked back at me and was crying.