Fighting fire with fire.
NOM!!
"So good. *Paimon eating noises.* so tasty."
Jouichirou was looking at Paimon, eating an entire refrigerator worth of food, right in front of him.
'How the hell am I gonna explain the refrigerator being empty?' Jouichirou thought, looking at Paimon stuffing her cheeks with another plate of food he cooked.
'Not gonna lie though. This is cute.'
Jouichirou smiled to himself.
'Now the only thing I wish for is for her to not be annoying as hell. She might not be useful here, but in grand order, she will be as... you know.'
'Haa, anyway, priorities first, shopping. Today just so happens to be the day that this big sale takes place.' Jouichirou thought, looking at a poster advertising a sale.
"The battle is going to be rough. It is, after all, a 30% off. They won't ignore such an event." Jouichirou thought out loud.
----
"Hello readers, Jouichirou here. Hope you are enjoying this Fanfic. Anyways the thing is the Author really hasn't described by appearance yet. Why, you may ask... because he forgot... he f**king forgot. I swear the Author is as useless as Sakura from Naruto."
"Well, here is my appearance, black hair, golden yellow eyes, and I don't have an N-pass, kinda sad, but maybe after I get Jesus I will be tanned and have an N-pass because you know... Jesus is tanned."
"I wear my regular Dream drip, you know, green hoody with a smiley face, fingerless gloves, and dark blue jeans. I also wear a blindfold. I found out that it was the best way to train Eyes of Heaven. I know sounds edgy, but I have grown quite fond of it, so I'm gonna keep it that way."
"Also side note, I am kinda excited about the idea of Saber and Paimon having an eating competition and I am gonna make it a reality, mark my words."
----
"So Paimon... can you like... you know, go invisible or something?" Jouichirou asked, even though he knew the answer.
"Yes, Paimon can either go invisible or go inside you." Paimon said 'innocently'.
"... You should really watch how you word stuff like that, anyway what do you mean by going 'inside' me?"
"Paimon means to say that there is a pocket dimension located where your heart is. Paimon can stay in there and even talk to you telepathically."
"Well then, come on in." Jouichirou said, spreading his arms out welcomingly.
"Is it necessary that Paimon has to go inside?"
"Yep, it is. We are going to a dangerous place, so just in case."
"But why are we going to a dangerous place?"
"For food."
"Ok then, Paimon is coming."
(A/N: I am gonna be unnecessarily honest here and say that I started reading some Paimon doujinshis halfway through writing this part.)
(E/D: Hello FBI, yeah there is a disgusting, down horrendously bad, good-for-nothing lolicon over here. Yes... he is an Author by the way.)
(FBI: Boys, we got a job. Also, bring the dog since we are dealing with an Author here.)
Paimon flew right into Jouichirou's heart and disappeared.
"Wow, I was half expecting it to hurt."
[Hey are you there? Can you hear Paimon?]
"Loud and clear, Captain Paimon. So shall we set sail?"
[To the battlefield, for food.]
----
"Vegetables or Meat or Fish?"
[Paimon votes for meat.]
"No, we can get meat later. We need to get the vegetables first since the more time we take to get the vegetables, the more likely we are to get bad ones. The meat and fish are preserved in ice, so even if we are a bit late, we can get some fresh ones." Jouichirou said, looking inside the meat stations using Eyes of Heaven.
[Your eyes sure are convenient. Paimon envies you a bit. Paimon bets that you peek at women while they are bathing using those dirty eyes of yours.]
"I did, got bored, so not anymore." He said, looking around.
[Hey, don't just admit it, Pervert Chef.]
"Woah, I got a nickname from the great Paimon. I feel honored."
[As you should mongrel.]
"Why did I just get some Gilgamesh vibes from you?"
[Who?]
"Tao"
While Jouichirou was having his conversation with Paimon, the people passing by started avoiding him like a plague, thinking he was a crazy madman talking to himself.
And then it started, as a man came out with a poster and hung it outside.
Jouichirou rushed at full speed, trying to get there as fast as possible. But he was quickly met with the great and cunning enemies of this battlefield. 'The Old Ladies', with their tricks and sticks.
Jouichirou skillfully avoided them and got in front. But that did not stop 'The Old Ladies' they attacked him with their sticks. Jouichirou had to dash to his sides and even duck sometimes just to dodge their deadly blows. Eventually, after hurdling through all their attacks, he finally he reached his goal.
One Hell's shopping later...
"So, what do you wanna eat for dinner?" Jouichirou asked Paimon.
[Paimon says Sticky Honey Roast. Paimon hasn't eaten that in a while.]
"Sticky Honey Roast it is then. But first, we need to get some things done."
(A/N: King Crimson: Skip Time.)
In some stinky and dense forest.
[So can you tell Paimon what are we gonna do in this forest?]
"Have you ever heard the term fighting fire with fire?"
[Paimon has heard of it, but that doesn't answer Paimon's question.]
"You know the story of how I got involved in the last Holy Grail War, don't you?"
[Yes, you told Paimon, didn't you Dummy Chef?]
"Yes, I observed the end battle from afar using some binoculars and confirmed a few things. One of them was that one of the servants actually survived and that the Holy Grail will destroy the human race if the ritual is completed."
[And.]
"So I will stop it. This time I will involve myself in the Holy Grail War and make sure to destroy the Grail and end it once and for all." Jouichirou then started drawing a magic circle thingy-I don't know, don't worry about it.
'The plot didn't change at all, except for me stealing Ea. That means Fate/Stay Night unless it is Heaven's Feel will change drastically, meaning now I can't rely on the characters and plot. Another reason to get involved.'
[So you will become a Master and summon a servant.]
"Well... yes, but actually no."
[Huh? Wait, Paimon just got really confused. Care to explain to Paimon.]
"I meant to say that yes, although I will summon a servant and become a Master, I will not summon a servant through the corrupted Grail but summon one on my own."
[Shouldn't that be like you know not possible?]
"Nothing is impossible as long as you have enough Mana, and some special privileges."
[And by special privileges you mean the creepy thing on your back.]
"Yep... anyways, we are ready." Jouichirou stopped Paimon from asking any more questions and took out Ea from thin air.
This was the catalyst he was gonna use to summon the servant to fight Gilgamesh.
"Fight fire with fire and fight a Gilgamesh with another Gilgamesh. Anyways~"
"Legendary Spirits from across Time and Space,
"Heroes who have saved mankind time and time again,
"I summon to me now, As I murder-death-kill."
The circle shone brightly as Paimon came out of Jouichirou to meet their new 'companion'.
"Caster, Gilgamesh. I have materialized in this form to meet Uruk's time of need, not in response to your summon. Don't get cocky, mongrel."
(A/N: This line is a direct copy-paste of what he says in FGO when you summon him. Not gonna lie though he kinda sounds like a Tsun-Tsun saying that, maybe I should make him a Tsun and... I will leave it to your imagination.)
----
Archer Gil vs Caster Gil, Saber meets Caster Gil, Archer Emiya meets Jouichirou a lot of exciting events to be excited about so,
Give me thou Power Stones.