Discomfortingly Disbelieving

Marriage is considered one of the most sacred bonds in many religions across the world. It ties two human beings together in a relationship of love, friendship, alliance , respect and most importantly trust. Empath felt that the sanctity of her bond was cracked with hubster's infidelity. The more he denied, the more insecure Empath felt and she found now all and any of his romantic compliments repelling or a mere hoax.

On Empath's 29th birthday, Taylor Swift gave all her Swifties a splendid gift. It was the release date of her latest music album, with the title song, 'Reputation' already hitting the charts. But there were other songs on it that hit a chord in her heart. Particularly the one in which she talks about a supposed love and infatuation with a twenty five year old. And another where she describes the very dress she bought to take off in front of her lover. Empath had only recently rediscovered her past buried passion for dancing and procrastination. She had forgotten with the arrival of her time consuming daughter what an avid reader, dreamer and above all dancer, had she been. It was almost as if she had left her past self or lost it entirely in the hue and cry of everyday routine. She wasn't unhappy, she repeated to herself, but clearly she had stopped living for herself. She had recently discovered that love for thyself was the strongest kind of love to get one across any calamity and she was only beginning to understand why people chose to masturbate instead of being in effort demanding relationships. She still weighed things on the scale of sin and virtue and felt that masturbating actually wouldn't or couldn't help her, but daydreaming could. About strong hands holding her, engulfing her tired body in a bear hug, running down his fingers up and down her back, to her shoulders and her throat, giving her that warmth, that body heat she craved for in the harsh December nights.

It wasn't like hubster wasn't near, or dear, he was still both, but there was a grey cloud hovering over her relationship. She couldn't trust him, he had betrayed her, even when he thought it was a harmless friendship with a peer, she had read the messages where clearly the peer was willing to become a second wife to him. She was suddenly insecure, angry, hurt, tired and horny all at the same time. Coincidently exactly at that time of her life, in 2015, D had walked in out of nowhere. Part of her heart and head were delighted and part of them were severely confused. But little did she know the confusion was only beginning.

It all had started from her birthday the same year she had reconnected with D. She was expecting his call to wish her birthday at the exact hour midnight would strike. ''Oh but that side of the border is half an hour ahead of us, so he should be ringing me before midnight even, 11:30pm that is'' Empath did the maths in her head quickly, winding up her chores for the day and impatiently glancing at her phone screen. It remained black. Hubster had brought home a cake and a dress for her. She wasn't expecting it. Even though the dress did not really match her usual choice, she showed gratitude, after all the thought counted if nothing else. She was happy in the moment, but kept glancing sideways, '' Maybe D thinks he should wait until midnight here to call, what's the point of calling at 11:30pm for the birthday wish,'' she kept offering explanations to her anxious self. The night proceeded forward and still no call. ''He probably must have dozed off, must be tired after a hard day at work….'' Empath kept cooing the child inside her who was becoming slightly disappointed.

The next day, she herself texted him. He casually replied that he had slept. She had to literally claw out a birthday wish from within his throat. Empath was irritated a bit. A part of her wanted to scream, and the other cajoled the irritated one that he didn't exactly owe her any explanation. It was a stupid birthday wish and there was no point in getting so worked up about it. But here's the thing about birthdays, it doesn't matter if you forget it or don't celebrate it, but it hurts pretty bad when the people you care for forget it or don't even mention it. Empath had heard this in a film and had rolled her eyes off at that time, but now it made sense perfectly! D had also begun replying pretty late to her texts. His replies became shorter, straighter and less peppy. Empath at first was confused, and over the next few weeks as her winter holiday break approached closer, she became irritable. She had been planning for a long time to speak to D in detail about the plan if they could meet for real. A cross country trip was out of question, thanks to the not-so-civil relations between them. But a trip to the Middle East could be planned. If he would be enthusiastic, she could sure muster up courage to travel to UAE and perhaps there they could finally see each other after decades, face to face. But all this could only be possible if he would receive her calls first. He was then, either mostly out with friends, or at work, or dozing off. It seemed to her as if all the time he had earlier for her had suddenly ran out entirely. For her it meant back to her unacknowledged life, the life she was passing but not living. With the arrival of D, her steps had become lighter, she would sometimes put the children to sleep and put on headphones and dance a bit in the 3x3 open space of her bedroom, twirling her ownself and dancing with her own shadow that the lamp made on the bedroom wall. But with D leaving more and more of her messages on seen, her demons from within, started to lick her wounds of insecurity with their salty tongue.

''D is probably bored of you, he thinks you are an old woman at 30 and a mother of two. What interest would a hijabi married woman hold for him? He probably has tans of twenty-something girls around him there, why would you sitting miles away, a married mom be of any interest?'' Her empathetic self, sitting even on one side of the border sensed other things and argued back,

'' NO! D is just being polite and cautious that I should spend time with hubster, afterall he knows things are not the best between us. Also D can talk to me casually about his physical desires and take advice, like one does from a friend, where would he find that solace there? In the twenty-somethings?!'' the incredulous jabbing was on inside Empath and she would sit for hours quietly while the hot heated conversation went on inside her.

One evening she was tired of messaging him, he kept leaving her on blue ticks. She picked up her headphones and walked out to take a stroll. The 8pm wind blew into her face and she breathed in the fresh air. In about five minutes, the phone in her hand vibrated. She at once touched her finger and the screen lit up like her face. There was a message. But not from whom she desired. It was another one of her childhood friends, Mac. He was 2 years younger than her, just like D. They chatted a bit. One of the best things about Mac was that he was very open, witty and spoke his mind. Often the two wouldn't be able to talk for weeks and then hit off in one conversation. This particular evening he wanted to know how she was doing after Baby M. She told him it was better than the last time he had asked. Baby M was sleeping better now and so was she so things were resuming routine. And then out of nowhere, Empath said, '' Hey Mac, could I ask you something and you would give me an honest reply for it? No judgements plz.'' Mac agreed immediately. Empath continued, '' So suppose you have an older cousin that you live far away from and you guys reconnect after decades and hit right off. You are so similar in your thoughts and there's easy conversation between you two and so much understanding and friendship. And then out of nowhere, you lessen your talking time with her bringing it down to almost minimal. She keeps asking you if somethings wrong, if she has said something or done something offensive but you keep brushing it away, no longer giving concrete replies but vague explanations of unavailability. Why? Why Mac? Why would you do that? How can somebody do that?'' Suddenly Empath's voice quivered. All the frustration of not being able to speak to D in the manner he had before his exams seemed to take her into a meltdown. She quickly gathered herself and regained her breath waiting for his long text message asking tons of things about who she was talking about, who had ditched her friendship or something of the sort. Instead, clever old Mac wrote back one simple sentence,

'' Simple, he didn't see a future with you, babe!''

Empath's whole world came crumbling down with that sentence. She couldn't believe what she read. It was as if someone had opened a huge window in the stifling cottage her mind was living in since a month now D had lessened talking to her. As if a chillingly cold gust of air had blown in and raised her hairs on end. She texted back quickly, '' What future Mac? What do you mean?'' and he texted back, '' He is in love with you obviously, but he sees no future with you. You guys clicked but that's it! So he doesn't see the need to take it forward from here. Saves him heartbreak!''

Tears welled up in Empath's eyes! Oh how very naive of her! How damn stupid! She had obviously led him to some incorrect notion of love. She ended the conversation with Mac in gratitude, it certainly had benefits to have a good guy friend. Sometimes he could help you understand how a man thinks. Mac had just done that and she was truly grateful! He had solved a huge piece of puzzle which Empath had clearly missed. D was in love with her! Why oh why had she never been able to guess it? At once all her conversations with him became crystal clear! The one night he sang a bollywood song to her on phone, the lyrics, they went something like ''I couldn't express my feelings for you, I am disappointed with myself, why can't I say it to you, because I don't have the right to say, that I am the one for you!'' Now they made clear sense to her. All the times he had talked about having physical needs with her, was in reality his way discussing his fantasies with her! And she had been so unaware, thinking he was asking her point of view on sex life! Damn! D was sharp! But also daring! Never in a million years could Empath imagine would have dared to fall in love with her with a mighty hubster next to her! God has such an amazing way of working it was miraculous! She almost smiled thinking what hubster could have done to D had he been anywhere near her! In Fact as she recalled more, she realised she was grateful that he wasn't anywhere around her! It would have been a total total disaster for the BOTH of them. They would have probably hugged innocently and their bodies could have reacted in a different way than they predicted. No wonder he always brushed away the subject of meeting up in the UAE! Because he wouldn't meet her there as a cousin, nor as a friend. He had other fantasies. Ones that he wouldn't be able to fulfil and then God knows what sin would have transpired between them. Empath was in severe discomfort. Standing in the winter breeze she started shivering with disbelief. It was relieving yet disbelieving. A part of her knew D hadn't just abandoned their friendship but even when it was proved right, it was discomfortingly disbelieving. To rid herself of this discomfort, she knew she had to do something. And soon.