Chapter Seventeen:

'What are you saying, Jordi? Just now you questioned me and walked out of here, and now again you question me. What do you think you mean to me? I told you that I love you and I can answer you right now. I don't need to wait. If you were to die in a week's time I would spend every moment with you, don't you know that? Sleeping with you was my choice. I wanted you to be my first and hopefully depending on the outcome of our conversation here, the last.'

'Sam, the only reason I asked you was because of you. I know I don't have long to live if I don't go on the treatment, which I've now decided against, after your answer. I won't go on it, because I want my senses until the very end.'

'What if the treatment will save your life?'

'I doubt it very much, Sam, but we can talk about this another time. I have a very important question to ask. Did you know we did not use any protection?'

She turned as white as a sheet after digesting the facts. After a while she answered.

'That could be bad for us, Jordi. I am not ready to have a child. I was so cross with my dad that day when he asked if I slept with you that I denied it, but my mother could sense that I was lying. He even suggested that he would force me to take the morning-after pill. Now, I am worried. Gosh, Jordi, what are we to do now? Nothing seems to be working for us. Why are we so unlucky?'

I could only look at her while she shook.

'Sam, I don't know what is waiting for us in this crazy world, but what is here between us right now, is all that I need and want. These worries will not last forever, but you have me forever.'

I kissed her for a very long time.

'I want it too, Jordi. You will not believe how much.'

Sadly, the movie ended and we had to go back to reality. We clung to each other and that time she had to wipe my tears. I cried because she was leaving this peace for her disruptive world, called home.

I took my phone, put it on silent and said I would see her soon. I immediately went and bought myself a new phone. I texted her, saying 'thank you for taking a chance on me and for waiting; talk tonight at ten!'

An hour later she sent 'always and I cannot wait for tonight.'

I called Abby and asked if she wanted to hang out, we'd been doing that quite a lot lately. I had become like the older brother; there for advice and spoiling. I didn't mind at all. I enjoyed showing my sister the love I felt for her. It was no longer just bottled up inside, and I liked telling her that too. I came home and Abby seemed pre-occupied.

'Hey, Jordi, what do you think will happen? I need Dad's signature to move into a dorm on campus, but I'm so scared to ask him because he is going to be left alone and you know now how overprotective he can be after you have left.'

'Abby, you and I both know he will never be alone. Before you know it, he will have someone else move in here, and by the way we were alone, not him.'

Dad came in and asked what I was doing there.

'I am sorry if I need permission to visit, but I do have reason, you know?'

I looked at Abby who just smiled, taking the opportunity to ask permission while I stood there.

'Just do what you want to. You are a grown up now and will do it anyway, so why ask me?'

'Because she still has respect, Dad, that's why. Even though you don't deserve it.'

He looked at me and shook his head.

'Where did I go wrong with you, Jordan?'

'Only you can answer that, Dad. Come Abby, I promised you pizza, let's go.'

'Wow, that was harsh, Jordi!'

'Well, he needs to hear it from a man because he just does not respect any person but himself.'

'Oh! Are you a man now, Jordi?'

'Of course, I am.'

'Since when?'

She just laughed, making me blush. Let's face it, all my secrets were out. We had a great time bonding until she asked when I would have the operation or other treatment and I had to tell her I wasn't doing any of it. For the first time my sister cried.

'Do you know, Jordi, for most of your life I was just nasty to you and what if you were to die now? I have so little time to make it up. It is not fair for you not to go on treatment, it's just not fair on us, Jordi!'

I hugged her and told her that this very moment holding my big sis was making up for everything. I thought very hard on my way home. I went straight to my mother and told her Abby and I had our first heart to heart. I told her how Abby felt. Mom felt the same way.

'Mother, I want to live my life to the fullest and remember each day. I know I may not survive or fully be myself after the operation or treatment. You know full well what happened to your friend, aunty Billy. She never recovered after chemotherapy and her operations, first the one breast then the other. Can you recall, she died in any case after much suffering and she was only a few years older than I, then. I know you all need and want me to go through the same, because you want more time with me. Can it please be my choice, to live even if my life is shorter? I will make so many more happy memories with you all. I think having to go through all these treatments will just make it too real. Maybe, that is why it almost seems to all that I don't have cancer now. I prefer it this way. I want it this way until it is time for all to face it, Ma! I am still me. Can you all not see it and let it go?'

'Jordi, please don't think for us. Don't think that it is not getting to us. You saw what it did to me! I completely forgot everything and left the hospital without you; so you must not think that it is not getting to us. What we are doing is to live with it. As with all your other decisions, I will stand by yours, Jordi. I cannot express enough how proud I am of you, yes I am, Jordi, regardless of what you decide.'

My family, and what I was putting them through, weighed on me and thoughts that I must be very selfish, started to play heavily on my mind. But the thought that I would rather suffer later than now, was far more relevant to me. It was such a strange thing, the way my life had turned out. Knowing that I would have far more conversations in my mind than ever in reality, was completely weird.

I texted Sam to ask if I could call her.

'Hey, Sam, it's really nice to hear your voice again … it has been a while.'

'Yes, it sure feels like forever,' she whispered, and even that sounded really good, sending crazy hormones to places. I brave telling her this just to make her blush.

'Wow! Where did the shy guy go?'

Of course, I playfully blamed her. She asked me about the other girls because she hadn't been on social media for a while and I told her that her friend Tara was still trying, but that I never replied to anything she sent.

'You can look at my profile and inbox if you don't believe me, you have my phone. I know what I have Sam, you should know nothing has changed for me. We never spoke about the hotel, but I have to tell you it was the best idea ever and thank you for everything.'

'Everything, Jordi?'

Suddenly she went quiet on the other end of the line.

'Jordi, I'm scared; what if I am pregnant? I'm worried about my parents and us, we are still so young.'

I tried a joke to lighten the mood.

'At least if it is so, Sam, you will have a part of me forever.'

'Please do not joke about your illness, Jordi. I just don't want to think of it and speaking about it, makes it so real. My heart feels so empty sometimes wondering how I will ever be able to go on without you.'

'Okay, wow not now Sam, let's not go there, it's way too soon. The only thing that I can say, is that we will deal with it when we know for sure.'

'I was thinking that tomorrow I'll stay home and buy a pregnancy test. Don't worry, Jordi, I will let you know the outcome.'

'No. I will buy it and bring it to you tomorrow. Do you need to go to church with your family? Because I could brave it and visit you.'

'Okay, I will play sick, but I really need to go now. I hear someone coming. Wait, hold on?'

Her mom came in and asked who she was talking to and I heard her answer that she was not feeling too well; wishing her sore throat away and that she hadn't realised she was so loud. I heard her mother reply she thought she had heard something while passing-by.

'We were almost caught out, but at least my mom will confirm that I was ill tomorrow. I love you, Jordi. Bye.'

'Sam …'

'Yes?'

'Just remember that I love you forever.'

'How could I ever forget, Jordi?'