Chapter Eighteen:

I knew I would be taking a chance visiting her because last week I went to church with my Mom. I had told her that I may do it again which made her so happy, but I was needed somewhere else.

'Mother, don't worry, I will be all right. Pray for me too.'

I knocked and Sam opened, jumping on me with excitement. I made use of the moment. I took her to her room. One thing led to another and again I could have kicked myself for my stupidity when we were done. She looked at me and said, she loved me no matter what and that I should please stop blaming myself.

'Your eyes are you biggest give away! Just stop! We are in this together.' I gave her three pregnancy tests just in case, but she asked if I had eaten breakfast. I hadn't.

'Then come and eat with me. My parents are out for the whole day. I just hope my dad trusts my illness story and doesn't rock up now. Then we'd be in trouble, big time! But you will not leave like a thief again.'

Before long, she had to run to the toilet saying that she couldn't keep food in because she eats way too fast at times. I went with her, held her hair and rubbed her back until she was done. She cleaned-up and I held her close to comfort her.

'You are way too good for me, Jordi, do you know that?' She chased me out and minutes later showed me three sticks that all had two lines on them. To me it meant nothing, but to her maybe everything and she fainted. What was I to do? I tried everything and finally she came to.

'Sam, you gave me one hell of a fright! I did not know what to do. You must be really ill. Gosh. If I feel this way now, how must you have felt when I had the seizure?'

'It was the worst feeling ever,' she said quietly while trying to sit up.

'Well, this was the worst feeling for me! I think I am going to take you to the doctor.'

'I know I must go, Jordi, because all the tests showed that I am pregnant.'

This time I was in shock. I was quiet but knew for once that I needed to make firm decisions for both of us and be the strong one. I held her and she was shaking because of the emotion.

'Jordi, we are way too young for this.'

'Do you regret being pregnant then, Sam?'

'I don't know now, but I am very afraid. I am a disappointment to my parents and yours, but mostly to you, Jordi.'

'You could never disappoint me, Sam, please, please remember that.'

'Jordi, what are we going to do, will we survive this?'

'Yes, we will, because we will be the greatest, hippest young parents, you'll see. Let's go to the doctor first, okay?'

I took the taxi with her and because it was Sunday, we saw the doctor immediately. He confirmed the pregnancy, wrote Sam a sick leave note and a referral to a gynaecologist. Wow, this was all so new to us. One moment we could barely kiss, and suddenly we were parents in the making. I took her to the mall and the only thing on my mind was to at least make her happy and show her that this wasn't a mistake, but something we'd created. I wouldn't dare repeat the joke I'd tried last night.

I bought her a necklace representing that day for our very own memories. I asked her if she knew when her parents would be home because I wanted to support her when she told them. She went white in the face.

'Please Jordi, let this sink in with us first before we ruin it by telling people that will only see it as a bad thing.'

I took her home, scared her father would be there. I decided to take the tests home with me, she had our baby with her, so I needed something too. It would be safer with me than at her place where they could find it. I held her and we kissed as if we were starving. I felt so much in love with her at that moment, that I wanted to show her how much. Too scared to be caught though, the only thing to do, was to joke about our situation.

'Sam, at least now we can have sex without being scared.'

'Did it stop you before?' was her comeback.

'I don't want to leave you now, Sam, I want that man's hands on me, rather than you. You will tell me when to come for you, won't you, Sam? Can I tell my mom and sister?'

'Why not Jordi, you are so lucky to have them.'

I left and it truly felt as if my chest was sticking out like that of a boastful chicken. I called my mother to my flat and told her as I held her hands. Then I waited for her to talk. Her eyes were filled with tears of joy, and here I thought I would be such an embarrassment to her.

'It is such a blessing. Nothing in life just happens my son, you've got to believe that! You have all grown up so fast and I hope I can help raise my grandchild?'

Who couldn't love a mother with so much wisdom that has so much love for our unborn child already? At that very moment, I knew that she was right. Nothing happens without a reason.

With all the excitement, I ended up in hospital. I asked my mother not to tell Abby and most definitely not Sam. I didn't want anyone to worry. She held my hand through it all. My dad was there too, but just sat uncomfortably saying nothing. The uncomfortable feeling stretched on until he made his excuse to leave. I knew that my greatest wish would never materialise, and I told my mother that.

'I never had a father, Mom. Even though he was not an absent father, like so many in our country, to me he was. Even living in the same house, he wasn't there for us. It is such a pity Ma that I will never be able to show my son or daughter what I would be like as a father. I know what I have been missing and will not make the same mistakes, you know?'

'Remember that wish, my son.'

I asked what the time was because I needed to call Sam and I did so with my mother right there. She could immediately sense that something was wrong, and I told her my mother was there with me, and that somehow calmed her. My mother took the phone and asked why she was whispering and congratulated her. I asked how she was.

'At least I'm not alone anymore, Jordi, I have someone to talk to all the time.'

I couldn't help saying out loud that I loved her. Very embarrassed, she said not to say those things in front of my mother.

'Way too late Sam, she already knows that I love you.'

She said she was going to take the next day off and speak to her mom and then we could speak to both her parents in the evening.

I was given stronger medication the next day with my mother present. After another scan, I was told that the cancer was spreading fast and the doctor explained that at this speed, we were looking at maximum a year. That shocked us both. We were totally numb. My mother just left again not thinking clearly. I stood outside in the hospital gardens for more than an hour not knowing what to do.

The words my mother had spoken pulled at me: 'nothing happens without a reason.' At least I could say without joking that I would live on through my child. That thought pulled me out of my numbness. I had a life to prepare. My only wish was to be able to see my child at least once before I left this life. In fact, I set it as a goal. I came home and couldn't find my mother, so I went to her room. She was lying very still on her bed, staring at nothing, like I so often did. I climbed onto the bed and just like before she held me.

My body was trembling from all the pent-up emotion for myself, Sam, Abby, and my child, but mostly for this loving mother who for the first time looked so lost.

'I love you, Mother.'

I slept through all Sam's calls. She must have been in a panic, so I called her. She had just spoken to her mother who had told her point blank that she needed to go for an abortion because it would set a poor example at church if their pastor's daughter lived in sin.

'I am coming over Sam, is your dad at home?'

'Not yet, but he should be here any minute. Jordi, I am so scared. I wish they could accept us, like your mom.'

'I will be there for you, Sam, I am on my way.' My mother asked if she could come too, but I needed to go alone. So she ended saying she will keep us in prayer.