Chapter Twenty-Two

We enjoyed our time together as much as we could. Even my mother had calmed down. I saw the looks the two women gave each other and I understood the signs but didn't question them. I was left alone at times and could watch my favourite runner in the championship, winning the 100 and 200 meters and could almost imagine the feeling of running again. The start and the finish were so important, but it was the in-between that was the challenge. I knew what it felt like and sighs thinking of the 'if only.'

As my little one grew, I became more ill by the day. It was as if the feeling of nothingness brought on an onslaught of vomiting, and the pain in my head seemed to consume me. Even the medication didn't work anymore, so in my know-it-all and do-not-want-to-be-a-bother attitude, I had to bear the pain. I wouldn't cause my loved ones to worry. I wanted Sam to worry more about herself and our baby.

Sam got her driver's licence, again before me, making me very dependent on her. This was her load to carry. I did not like it at all. It made me more resentful towards our situation, not realising it had an effect on her because she was such a self-sacrificing person.

My shutting down, being quiet and distant, hurt her tremendously. I became so distant and stressed out that my personality changed as well. I fought against these feelings with every part of my being because I loved Sam and she was the person who suffered the most. It came to a point where I just vomited all the time and the moment someone mentioned food, I became this angry person that would lash out with hurtful words. Both my mother and wife did not know what to do, because my outbursts were affecting them so severely.

It became so bad, that the only thing that stopped me was when I overheard Sam speaking to Abby, telling her that it wasn't a happy place with me anymore, and that she was thinking about giving up, because that was what I was doing.

The moment Abby left, I kneeled in front of my wife and asked her to help me because I really did not want to give up yet. I couldn't handle the outbursts or changes on my own, and if she would let me, we could go and get help from a professional, because we had been trying on our own for too long. We needed intervention.

The psychologist recommended that we should do things that make us happy the moment there was an outburst. We must go to our happy place. She also advised that I needed to make a hundred percent sure that there was really nothing that could be done medically. I booked an appointment with the neuro-specialist. A biopsy was done under local anesthetic, assisted by a scan that directed the needle to the part of my brain where the cancer was. There were no options for me. The cancer had spread too far. It was growing within the cerebrum area and spreading rapidly to other areas too. The specialist advised that should the pain become too much, they could aid with stronger morphine.

Through it all, the girls in my life were my support structure. My father came to visit and I almost thought this time we would overcome the silence between us. He didn't know what to say but stuck around at least, which was very admirable. I seriously wished I had a miracle cure that could help him overcome his discomfort, or at least guide me in finding a way to make it easier for him. Both of us were left clueless, so he left again, leaving me empty as a son.

Little Jordan was growing so fast and a real joy already, especially when I spoke or sang to him; he would just perform. His mother felt a bit different. To her it felt like an invasion, like something taking over her body. We worked through my issues and it helped to get guidance for now. Sometimes, she would say that we needed to run away for a bit, and we would come back completely rejuvenated; ready to take on anything.

My employers understood and accommodated me somehow. I could come to work whenever I was able; just to keep me sane. I really did have so many people in my life that were genuine, and that was more than enough for me. On most days the fatigue took over. Even doing the slightest task, seemed like a 24-hour shift that just continued all the time. The more I wanted to sleep, the more Sam seemed to try to entertain me, which became a problem as well.

She forced me out of ways in trying to give up. We saw so many places during my illness; some right under our noses that I had never experienced before. One time, we had to walk down an alley to a very secluded rock cave at Llandudno beach, hiding away and where the sea could reach our toes - our own little paradise. There, I could make out with the most beautiful girl ever after a very long time of being ill. I felt truly blessed. Would I have experienced such moments if I were never ill?

Appreciating the small little things as miracles, was the goal. I came to appreciate how great women are through my very own examples and I was not complaining at all. I built beautiful memories with Sam, but still the nagging feelings just wouldn't disappear. For weeks I was in so much pain it felt like my brain was going to pop out of every opening it could find in my face, or burst out of my head, but I kept most of it to myself.

However, knowing how Sam's eyes followed me around, my guess was that she knew. One morning she held me and said we should run away, and she sang to me; a talent I never knew she had. Her voice took me away from my pain. This became a ritual when the pain got to me in the mornings.

'Hey Sam, is there anything that you are not good at?' I would ask, and she'd always reply

'Of course, there is nothing that I am not good at!' and would laugh.

It was still an amazing sound to me that I stored away in the deep storerooms of my soul for moments when she was not around. I sometimes chased her away by force, or even arranged for my mother or sister to help me, just to give her a break. I had more and more days where food just wouldn't stay down and because of that, I often denied any attempts from anyone trying to care for me. This became unbearable too, especially for Sam who saw what it did to me and that I was slowly making my exit from all of them.

I lost so much weight it was unbelievable. Sometimes, I got the feeling that I was dying, but when I had days that I felt alright, I always tried to make the most of them. However, there was not a day that I did not suffer pain. Sam became just as secretive. Where I tried to hide the level of my pain, she tried to hide how my suffering was affecting her. I only asked for assistance with the pain when my health experienced another setback.

It was an extremely testing time for both Sam and me. Although she was the strongest person I had ever met, deep down I knew she was suffering, but never spoke about it. I became the fragile, bedridden patient that I never wanted to be, and hated every moment of that weakness. As long as I had breath though, I never neglected moments with my son. If I was stubborn and didn't feel like speaking directly with him or my wife, I put my thoughts in my diary. I sometimes forgot that I was writing my thoughts down on how I felt about his mother, and then she would answer it later. She knew exactly what I was going through, but she wanted me to speak to her about it. But it was getting so difficult when I knew my end was nearing so speedily.

'Jordan, your birth will indicate the end of my time with your mom and that does hurt, but I still cannot wait for you. My second wish is to hold you when you are born and kiss your cheeks with the thousand kisses your mother forces me to do every day, even if I am upset with her.'

This was the last thing I could remember when I woke up after collapsing. I was told that I needed to get myself booked into hospice so that I could get the necessary care for what was to come.

'My death doctors?' I asked sarcastically.

'Yes, but to find your peace and also giving you time to say goodbye to your loved ones rather than focusing on other things,' the doctor said patiently. I agreed with her, not realising again that it wasn't my decision, but those who cared for me. Sam almost shouted at the doctor.

'Over my dead body will Jordi be left for others to care for him! He has his family.'

All of the women in my life were in full agreement. I found myself on my way home again, with Abby telling me to swallow my pride and start eating.

'It is hurting your wife and mother. If I have to shove everything down your throat, I will do it. Just try your shit on me; come on I dare you? Remember it is you who decided on no treatment, but you are shortening your life, being a bloody idiot by not eating.'

I started eating some yoghurt and other food that looked like the stuff you feed babies. Sam was feeding me and while she did it, I gave her a passionate kiss on her cheek.

'I am taking your face with me, do you hear me? Will you do me a favour?'

She nodded.

'I want you to live for our son, Sam, but I want you to enjoy your life too. Will you do that for me?'

She looked at me with tender eyes.

'Here is what matters, Jordi, and the way you look at me right now. I see the love clearly in your eyes. I have never understood what they meant when they said that the eyes are the windows of the soul, until now. I want to remember your soul for a very long time my love, so allow me that okay? I will enjoy life when I need to do it. That time will come, I am sure, but for now I want to love you only.'

'Even when I am gone, Sam?'

'Yes, because don't you realise it is no longer this body I am after? It is way more; you have become my soulmate. The only one I want to run away with, remember?'

'How can I ever forget Sam!'