Chapter Twenty-Three:

As I approached the end of my life, it played before my eyes like a beautiful movie. I was sure that if I had to tell the story of my life, I could sum it up as having been loved my entire life by women and know that it turned out to be just beautiful.

I would have lived the same life if I were to be given another chance and would not change a thing that I was sure of now. One thing I did not appreciate, was people cleaning up after me. I was still sane enough to go to the toilet and I made them swear that they would take me until I couldn't do it anymore without help.

I struggled out of bed one evening to put on music and returned to my bed, exhausted. I lay next to my beautiful wife.

'I never had a matric dance, so will you do me the honours?'

And she did just that. I could close my eyes and imagine the strong young me holding her on the dance floor. This was another trick I could make with my life now. When the dance was done, she looked me in the eyes.

'Thank you for asking me to dance, Jordi.' For a moment It felt that the old girl that gave herself so freely to me, was back.

'I just ran away with you again and this time even your parents were shocked. Why can't you be the perfect gentleman for once and just take me home already, Jordi?'

'The night is still young, Sam, let me just hold you for a while longer. Guess what? I want everyone to know that I have disappeared with a senior. Not only is she breathtakingly beautiful, but she chose me, a junior! How cool is that?'

'I chose you, Jordi, because you made me feel special; like I was the only one. You gave me bragging rights too, that I could have such a young guy whom I could practice with without feeling less than his equal. But the best thing was the secret looks he gave me without letting his friends know. It was all the excitement I needed and still need.'

'My beautiful, exotic Samantha let's run away and tomorrow we can be caught.'

She laughed at our little role play.

'Jordi, I don't want to be left behind without you! I could never live without you. Who will I do this with? I cannot give up on you yet do you hear me. I am going to love you forever. You will move on to something different and I will remain here doing the same old things, but the only thing is you will be missing in every single one. I want to give up and say what is the use, as you always say so candidly, but missing out on one moment with you seems like I'll miss out on my whole life. Jordi, you are my life, and the life we created together will be a constant reminder of you, so how could I ever move on from you? Please tell me that at least?'

'Sam, I know that saying time heals seems like a cliché, but maybe it is exactly what you will need to get over me. You never know. As you said, I cannot comprehend what will happen because it is you I am leaving behind. But looking at it, I would rather it be me than you, my son needs his mom.'

Sighing out of frustration, she fell asleep next to me and I watched her while my heart bled. I looked forward to times when my sister was there because then I saw the old girl coming out of Sam. They acted so young and I lived for those days, it made me feel better, knowing that the young girl who took care of me every step of the way, was still there.

I despised this illness with every cell of my being; cells that were now literally infected. If I had a magic wand, I would have created someone to love her as completely as I did. I even asked Abby to help me with this and she tried, but nothing seemed to work. Sam was just not interested.

I was in bed most of the time just watching people coming in and I guess, saying their last goodbyes. Some were genuine and others just came to ease their conscience. There were those too who came in as if they were saints and doing their last duty. I had developed a deep faith even though I never went to church much. I believed in a covenant with the higher power and myself. Some came to pray that my burden would be lighter, and that God would remove my suffering. Others believed in miracles, while I just lay and entertained myself.

Sometimes I felt that the morphine was just what I needed to appear half dead already, getting people to react and then joke about it later, especially those that cried as though I was already in a coffin and going six feet under.

It reminded me of those aunties that look like they want to jump into the grave with the coffin at funerals. What warmed my heart deeply, was my mother who looked more radiant than ever which made me wonder, because I knew that look. Sam had it and sometimes Abby had it when she had a new boyfriend. I asked her about it and she never denied it. Afterwards, I was introduced to the Navy Chaplain.

'Mother, what is it with you and the uniforms?'

I could see that this man would look after my mother. James asked if he could pray with me. I liked that he said he wanted to pray with me and not for me, because we all needed prayers. He prayed that Jesus would be my ship of life, and this prayer had by far the most meaning for me. That was what I wanted, just to go off the morphine for a while and get something of myself back, but I needed help from a higher power.

This prayer did just that. I started to eat again and the old me stuck his head out, my mom rejoiced in hope and faith, and Sam got that sparkle back. I had energy to go outside sometimes, holding my girl's hand while looking at the morning and evening skies. My mind was the clearest it had been in a long time and I had proper conversations with those that mattered to me. I could tell everyone how deeply I loved them and I got to hold my girl properly again.

Her joy seemed contagious and the effect of it at that very moment were blissful. Sam's water broke and it was my mother that had to see to her as my weakness had returned. Mom called James and he looked after all of us. I was not allowed in the maternity ward, because there were complications with the birth. I prayed, not for my life, but for my family's.

I had never experienced such fear in my life. Sam was prepped for an emergency C-section and half-an-hour later my son was born. When they allowed me in, I looked at Sam and words formed clearly on her lips.

'I love you.'

The machines made a loud noise and nurses rushed in, pushing me out. Everything happened so fast and seemed not to make sense. This was supposed to be our happy day.

'What is happening?'

I was told to go with the nurse who helped me with my son. She put him in my arms and I could see the sorrowful look in her eyes, but chose to look at my son this little miracle that I had waited on for so long.

Words could not describe the joy. It was far beyond the feeling I had just before Sam was rushed to the hospital. My mom took Jordan from me and I rolled my way to the maternity room, where my life lay, with the help from James. I was worried about what was happening inside there.

'Please, Lord, watch over my wife, let her be okay.'

I prayed over and over. An hour later, the doctor approached me.

'I am so sorry, Mr. October. Your wife has passed away. We tried our best, but her heart was just too weak.'

I sat there in shock while silence surrounded me. I wanted to run away, but couldn't even do that, for the person I would do it with, was gone. I burst out crying with the last bit of energy that I had before I passed out. I woke up in total pain and this time it was James who sat by my side.

'I am so very sorry for your loss, son, but you will see the reasons soon.'

I looked at him, not really understanding what had happened. I felt nothing. 'She chose me again. I have a son that needs his mother and this time I can't get over it, James.'

I was too weak to even lift my head. 'Come let me show you something,' James said.