Chapter Twenty-Four

In the nursery stood the woman that held me the same way when I was a child. I finally understood the love a parent felt for a child. My son was a gift to my mother all along and I knew that I needed to make my peace with that.

'Life does not work out the way we plan, but there are reasons for the completion of God's plan.'

My mother placed my son in my arms and put her arms around us both.

'Jordi, look at your son. He looks just like you. It feels like only yesterday when you were born. I am so sorry, my son.'

She broke down and, in that moment, I saw James become her pillar of strength.

I held my son close to my heart and kissed his cheeks a thousand times from his mom and me, yearning for his mother to share in this joy with me that had become so bittersweet. I remained in my weak state of denial for far too long. We had a memorial service for Sam and only her mother was present. When we took Sam's ashes for a ceremony at Sunrise Beach, neither of her parents showed up.

I made arrangements for my mother to have full custody of my son as his sole caretaker and asked my sister to be his godmother. James became not only a pillar of strength to my mother, but to all of us. My sister spoke to him often when she needed advice and in this, I felt contented.

I kept my pain from everyone and tried my hardest for the sake of my son. I wrote to Sam and Jordan every day and was thankful that my mind was still sane. In the evenings when everything was quiet, I would look up at the skies with thoughts only for Sam. I held on for my son. I was in limbo. Even though I knew that Sam had gone first, so that I would be okay when I transcended to the next world.

I felt tricked, robbed, and could not get over it. I am a man and some decisions were for me to make, not her. Why did she keep her illness from me? I knew the answer but was way too stubborn to accept it. I had a constant feeling of frustration and disappointment, and the numb feeling of her loss, was eating away at me.

I needed to mourn her but hardened my heart. Often, I would do nothing but lie there and stare. At night my dreams were of us running freely and when I woke, the warmth of her love surrounded me as though she was there with me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I could even hear her calling my name in broad daylight. I suppressed all of this with anger.

My mother would bring Jordan to me and sometimes ask me to change his nappies with the last energy that I had. She brought him to lie next to me every afternoon and I would sing to him and talk to him. I knew that he knew me because his eyes would follow me and sometimes, I could imagine a smile. My time was running out with my son, and I did not want that. However, I made sure that I said goodbye as my mother made my entries in the diary for me. In my last diary entry, I told Jordan:

'Every kiss that Grandma and Abby gives you, is a thousand kisses from Mommy and me. We shall love you forever!'

My mother soon had to change the nappies of two babies and I hated that, because I still lived in my mind. I became so cold-hearted that I lost the dreams of Sam and the sound of her voice calling me. I only realised that I wanted it back when it was gone.

Silence took over my life, except for Jordan's crying that I loved hearing. It made me long for his mother's laughter. I start to dig in the emptiness of my soul for traces of her and pray that I could remember, but nothing. I longed for Sam and only then understood that this was what she feared most. I was the one who said that time would heal. Well, it healed me. I understood now that I needed to be with her.

'I love you forever, Jordi,' I heard her say.

I woke up in hospital with everyone around me. My son, my mother, and my sister were there, and the room was full of people.

'I am so cold Mom,' I said while my son looked at me and smiled because he knew my voice. I said my goodbyes to all and told Abby she was indeed the best sister to fight with. 'I love you, Abby and I love you, Mom!'

I looked over at James.

'Take care of them.'

My dad was still so uncomfortable until my mother wisely put his hand in mine, and he broke down for the first time in his life. Maybe, he just needed to touch me with tenderness to break the barrier and mend our relationship. I pitied him and hoped the guilt would not be too much.

'It's okay, Dad, no need to worry.'

I looked straight ahead because my love was waiting for me, more beautiful and radiant than ever. I longed to touch her. I heard my mother's voice.

'Jordi, it's okay you can go now, I promise to look after Jordan. Don't you worry. Go and have peace.'

I looked down at those I love, and everything felt silent, more peaceful. I could feel all the colours of their love penetrating my soul. I turned toward the warm light, put out my hand and asked her to wait a while with me so that I could make sure. She nodded.

'Take your time. I am here waiting with you Jordi.'

So, we waited. I saw my mother resting after all the crying of the day, her arms wrapped around my son while he slept peacefully in them.

I turned and with this newfound freedom reached for Sam's hand and we started running away together. The laughter of Sam, so warm as it ignites every corner of my soul.

Now my cross-over is complete.