Ignorant Bliss

"You what?"

I bite my lip as Mom chops the last slice of the apple roughly. I gulp. "I need a dress."

"For what, though? I'm so confused." Mom shakes her head as she tips the cutting board to the side, dumping the apple slices into a bowl.

I shrug. "Prom is in two weeks." I still can't believe that prom is in two weeks. Alden prom-posed to me almost a month ago now, and I've been stressing out more and more every day about getting a dress. I doubt Mom will be able to find time to take me shopping, but I don't even know if she wants to. Moms are usually waiting for the moment when their daughter asks them to take them to the mall and they have this whole bonding afternoon with clothes and ice cream and all that, but my mom isn't like that. Whatsoever. She's all business, all day.

She shakes her head sharply. "I didn't think you were going." She suddenly whips her eyes to me. She doesn't even move her head, she just darts her eyes in my direction. "Who are you going with?"

"Julian." I say it almost too quickly.

Mom scoffs. "Did he ask you?"

I shake my head. "No, mom, we're just going as friends." I look down. "I would tell you if I had a boyfriend."

Lies. I'm considering if I should tell Mom yet.

No. I'm lying to her, but it's for the best. I wouldn't be able to leave the house for a year.

Mom clicks her tongue. "Don't you already have dresses?"

I nod. "Yes, but this is prom, Mom. It's a big deal. I can't just wear some old dress I got from a thrift store two years ago." True story.

Mom shakes her head. "You need to learn to be more grateful." She pauses. "Maybe Matías can take you."

I sigh. It's not ideal, since Matty's a boy and will be no help, but at least I won't be alone shopping or something. "Okay." I skip down the hallway and knock on his door. It's eleven in the morning, and even though Matty is an eighteen-year-old boy, he doesn't sleep in very often. He's usually up by eight or nine.

He opens the door, and, like I thought, is fully dressed and groomed. "Hey." He motions for me to come inside. I'm also surprised to find his room clean and his bed made. I never really come into his room. I just figured it'd be littered with clothes and old pizza or something, like every other teenage boy ever, but it's actually pretty organized.

"Do you wanna come to the mall with me?" I don't really know what I'll do if he says no. I guess I could ask Julian, but he's usually busy on Saturdays. He tries to go and visit his mom on the weekends (most of the time, it doesn't work out).

He shrugs. "Yeah, sure. Why?"

"I need a dress for prom," I say, looking anywhere but Matty's eyes.

Matty gasps softly and walks past me to the garage. "Bye Mami!" he shouts, grabbing my wrist and pulling me out. Before Mom can do anything, we're already in the car, driving down the road to the mall.

He grins. "I've been wondering what you're going to wear!" he says excitedly.

I shrug. "I don't know anything yet."

"Well, we'll just have to look." Matty turns and bounces happily a little in his seat.

We get to the mall and go through ten stores, but still can't find anything. "I hate this," I say softly.

Matty shrugs. "Let's try one more."

We go into a store called 'Formal for Days' and look in the back, where the clearance section is. I file through a few dresses but only find ugly, lacy ones or full-on gowns, as in if I put one on, it'd look like I was straight out of a fairy tale.

A light shimmer catches my eye to my left. I turn and my jaw drops. A slim, subtly sparkly lavender dress with spaghetti straps and a cut at the leg. "Matty."

"What?" he asks in a bored tone in the next aisle.

"Come here."

He comes around the corner and gapes at the dress. He nods furiously. "That's it." He shakes his head and crosses his arms, staring at the sleek gown in disbelief. "How much is it?"

I check the tag and I almost can't believe I'm this lucky. "It's only twenty-five bucks. And it's in my size too."

He nods. "What a save." We take the dress to the counter and Matty hands the cashier a twenty and a ten. "Thank you," he says to the nearly silent cashier as we exit the store. Matty's happier than I think I've ever seen him before. It's funny that shopping for my prom dress would do the trick.

"Now," he says in a business-like tone, "what shoes do you plan on wearing?"

I shrug. "I might be able to find something if I dig through my closet." This is the problem with me not having any girlfriends. I had no one to borrow heels from. I guess this is the problem with me only having two friends, Julian and Alden.

He shakes his head. "Maybe we can find some used ones."

We leave the mall and go downtown to a thrift store called 'Take it or Leave it' and look through the shoe section. I see a bunch of extravagant shoes, all the way from nine-inch heels to light-up toddler-sized ones.

I shake my head. "I don't know if we're going to find anything here," I say, but then I glance at a pair of heeled sandals with delicate, golden leaves on the straps. I slip off my left shoe and sock and trade it for the heel. The straps wind up my ankle like vines or snakes. I clear my throat softly and Matty turns around.

He grins almost immediately. "Those are perfect."

I nod. "Right?"

I take of the shoe and we buy them. We head back to the car and we both sigh with satisfaction. "I never thought I would buy my prom outfit with my older brother," I say.

He laughs lightly and starts the car. "I never thought I'd help you buy your prom gear." He starts driving, making his way back to our suburb.

"I actually bought Isa's dress last year," he said.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. It's not that I don't want to talk about Isabela with Matty, it's just that I feel weird when he does, like I should feel bad, but not treat him like a child, or even something else. I just don't know how to act when he reminisces about her.

I don't say anything, so Matty keeps talking. "I can't believe I'm never going to see her again." It's like Matty's been hit by a wave of emotion because I see tears bead in his eyes.

I don't know how to help or what to say. "Never is a stretch, Matty, you don't know that," I say, hoping to be comforting. I'm probably not.

He shakes his head. "She's going to Ohio, Blanca. I'm probably going nowhere."

I bite my lip. Mom has caused Matty to have such low self-esteem. I've noticed it and it makes me sick. His self-confidence has slowly diminished over the years as Mom is harder and harder on him. "You're getting out of here, Matty," I say sharply, so distinctly that he looks away from the road, meeting my eyes for a split second. "Even if that means you only move across town to go to a community college or you move across the country or across the world." I feel a lump in my throat form, a painful one, making it hard for me to speak. I don't know how actors can have a monologue when they're sobbing. I can barely get a sentence out when I barely tear up. "You're worth so much more than Mom gives you credit. You deserve more respect and praise from her. You always have."

Matty stares at me. Thank everything that is holy that we're at a red light because I wouldn't be surprised if we got pulled over. After a moment, he responds. "Thank you, Blanca."

We ride silently for the rest of the way.

* * *

One of my favorite things is to drive. It always has been. I loved road trips, but my favorite parts were the ride over and the way back. Matty has never understood that, which is why I always went on rides with Julian after he got his license. We would just drive straight for hours, just talking and jamming out. It was amazing. I haven't been on a drive with Julian in forever.

I love my rides with Alden too, don't get me wrong, I guess they're just different from mine with Julian. Which of course they are. Julian and Alden are totally different people. Julian loves rom-coms and I can't get Alden into them very much. Alden loves traveling and Julian is a homebody. I could go on.

Alden taps the steering wheel rhythmically, staring ahead. His stereo plays lightly and we sit quietly. The most satisfying thing about any relationship is when you reach a state of comfortable silence. No one feels the need to make conversation. It's nice and relieving. It shows that you know each other enough to just sit for hours and be totally fine. Obviously, not a lot of people would prefer to do that since their time could be better spent, but I'm just saying that it's nice when that is an option.

"You haven't said anything in a while," Alden says, totally ruining the point I was making (granted, I can't blame him; the point was all in my head, silent).

I nod. "Nor have you."

"Do you know where we're going?" he asks, glancing at me repeatedly.

I shrug. "Isn't that the point?"

"What?"

"The not knowing. Oblivion. It feels kind of nice sometimes. Ignorant bliss."

"Quite the epiphany," Alden chuckles. I blush. I don't know how to feel about his response. It was almost as if he was dismissing me, or calling me crazy or something. I push the thought out of my head and exhale slowly, staring ahead at the setting sun.

"Prom is in two days." I don't realize I'm saying it out loud until I've already said it.

Alden nods. "That's crazy." His breath catches. "Sorry, I couldn't afford a limo," he says softly. "We'll just have to go in this." He motions, disappointed, at the interior of his car.

I smile. "That's fine! Seriously. I actually would prefer Florence." Yes, I named Alden's car. Yes, her name is after a city in Italy. Yes, I love it.

He laughs. "I still can't believe you call her that."

"Florence is very nice."

Alden chuckles. I love his chuckles, his giggles, all of his laughs. I love his freckles and curls and brilliant green eyes. I love it. I love him. The whole package. He's perfect.

"Julian asked me for a ride too," Alden says abruptly.

I nod. "Yeah his dad's not exactly the type to drive him to prom. Or, granted, anywhere." After Alden doesn't respond, I cock my head to the side. "What did you tell him?"

He shrugged. "I told him I'd do it, obviously." He doesn't seem very pleased.

"What's wrong?" It's strange when Alden does this. One moment we're laughing about Florence, and the next he's bitter about Julian. He has been pretty bitter about Julian lately whenever I bring him up. He's always polite, but just sharp and snappy. Alden's emotions change so quickly and out of the blue. It always catches me off-guard and I don't know how to react. It's exhausting. I can't keep up with them.

He shakes his head. "Nothing." Ad just like that, he smiles. "Ignorant bliss, am I right?"

My heart stops for a split second, and I wonder if I'm going to have a heart attack right now, in his car. He seemed a bit sarcastic when he said it. Or annoyed. Something about his tone made me jump and squirm in my seat.

"What do you mean?" I ask. I feel like my heart is beating in my throat. Like every syllable jumps with it and every letter thumps.

"It's kind of nice, not to know." He stares straight ahead, and it's kind of intimidating that he won't look at me.

I don't know why he won't tell me what's wrong, but this is not the ignorant bliss I was talking about before. And I know that Alden knows that, good and well, which is why I'm totally freaked out by this game he's playing with me right now.

"Oblivion."

* * *

I try to ignore the fact that Julian is standing outside the front door, ringing the doorbell a thousand times as I sit, curled up in the corner of the couch, reading a book. Matty sits across the room from me on the armchair, curled up with his phone. How times have changed. It's depressing to think about the idea that my brother has almost never read a book voluntarily.

"Are you going to get that?" Matty asks. He knows it's Julian too. It's always Julian. The door is locked, which is why he is ringing the bell. Usually, if it's unlocked and he's lucky, he just bursts inside without question.

I shake my head. "Too engrossed in this book," I say, rereading a single line over and over again.

He stands and sighs. "Shouldn't you be getting ready?" he asks as he heads to the door.

"Why do you think Julian is here?" I close my book and follow him to the door. He opens it and Julian is jumping up and down in his dress shoes and suit. His suit is dark navy and he's wearing a black bow tie with minuscule red polka dots. His hair is combed promptly to the side and slathered with gel so it doesn't come undone while he's dancing tonight.

"You needed to wait for him?" Matty asks, stepping to the side and motioning for Julian to enter.

I nod. "I buy the clothes, but he gets it done." I raise my palm and Julian clips his against it dutifully. "Julian here knows what goes well with what and what should be thrown in the trash and never spoken of or looked at again." With that, I march upstairs, Julian at my heels.

We go into my room and I reveal the dress and heels. "What do you think?" I ask.

Julian crosses one arm over his torso and props the other up under his chin, narrowing his eyes and furrowing his eyebrows, staring focused at the outfit. He grins. "I love it."

I nod and smile back, rushing into my walk-in closet and shutting the door behind me. "One minute!" I shout, undressing and throwing the dress over my head, fitting it smoothly over my body. I comb my fingers roughly through my hair as I try to slip on the heels without falling over into the wall. I finally get myself together and walk out hesitantly. I make a motion, sort of showing myself off. "Well?"

Julian grins and claps his hands. "I have no notes." He exhales a satisfactory sigh. "Let's get going on your hair and makeup."

I sit down at my dresser and face the mirror. My hair is a little ratty from slipping on the dress, but otherwise, my face is completely blank. I cleaned off my makeup before Julian showed up to save time. He pulls my hair behind my neck and brushes through it with my hairbrush. He plugs my curling wand into the outlet across from me and waits, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently for it to heat up.

"Julian, you should really major in cosmetics," I say suddenly. He snorts a little. He makes eye contact with me through the mirror. I nod. "Seriously, you should."

He laughs and shakes his head, taking a lock of my hair and wrapping it around the wand. "Dad would never help me with that."

"So do it yourself," I say, shrugging. He lets my hair fall and grips my shoulder with one hand.

"Don't move," he says. I fall silent, laughing a little. He sighs and takes another chunk and wraps it delicately. "I can't do it myself. I made a deal with my dad. I save half, he saves half."

I hesitate. "What does he get out of that?" I ask.

Julian sighs, moving down my head. "I got into Stanford."

I raise my eyebrows. "That's— are you excited?"

He shrugs. "Kind of? Anyway, that's the reason Dad's contributing. He's always wanted me to go there. He always said 'maybe you'll do better than I ever did.' The only thing was that he never actually tried."

"Wow." I shake my head. "That's stupid."

Julian shrugs his shoulders. "It's not that bad."

I shake my head, causing him to drop my hair and back up one step. "Blanca!"

I turn my body to face him. "Do you want to go to Stanford?"

He shrugs. "I don't know." He shakes his head and takes my hair again. "I'll figure it out. You don't need to do that for me, Blanca."

I sigh. "You do everything for me. I mean, look at you now!" I laugh lightly. "You're always taking care of me, and don't get me wrong, I'm insanely grateful. I just want to reciprocate."

He sighs, but it's a happy sigh, not an exasperated one. He takes my hair again. "You better hold still if you want me to get your hair done by the end of the night."

* * *

I stare at the mirror, speechless. Appalled. My makeup is flawless, my winged black eyeliner and ombre purple eyeshadow, the subtle pink blush that lights up my cheeks and nose, and my hair goes down to my shoulders in gorgeous waves. It's beautiful, and it even looks a little blonde on the tips somehow. I don't know how Julian did this, but I don't ask questions. I just let it happen and hope that all goes well. My finger and toenails are coated with a beautiful almost-black purple polish and my lips are a muted magenta.

"Julian, you work wonders." I don't know what else to say.

He laughs and pounds his hands on the back f my chair. "You look so good!" he shrieks "Come on, Alden is gonna be on his way any minute!"

It's crazy that it took over two hours to get all this done. I mean, if it wasn't done by Julian, it would take much longer. Julian hands me a lilac handbag that is about the size of a grown man's hand and has little flower petals made of soft fabric sewn over it. "Okay, so Matty may or may not have told me that your dress was purple, so I bought you this to hold your phone." He grins and embraces me delicately. "I can't ruin your look," he says, laughing lightly. "Happy prom night, Blanca."

I smile as he pulls away and hold his hands in mine. "Thanks, Julian." It's crazy how platonic our relationship is sometimes. Like, I have a boyfriend, but I'm holding hands with my bestie right now. And that's all it is. There's nothing to it. We just care so much about each other.

I get a text and pull my phone from the vanity. It's Alden.

I'm on my way.

Do you need anything?

I can stop by anywhere and get you something.

I'm just really excited for tonight.

Okay. Confession time. I think it's more of a confession to myself. I have been trying to bury this deep down and never think about or accept it. I've been worrying that Alden is too needy. I've been thinking about this for a while, now. I just feel like there's something wrong. He's always texting me, always asking if I need anything, and it's nice, sure, but it's a lot. And he gets angry whenever I talk about Julian or just on edge when I bring up other plans. I want to keep dating Alden obviously, but I also kind of want to break up with him. But I don't like to think about breaking up with him. It sends chills down my back and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just don't want to upset him. Seeing him sad would make me feel terrible. I just can't do that to him.

"You ready?" Julian shakes my shoulder and I snap my eyes up at him.

"Hmm?"

"I said are you ready?" Julian laughs a little. "C'mon, Alden just knocked downstairs."

I freeze, suddenly feeling guilty that I was even thinking about dumping Alden. No, dumping is harsh. I don't want to be harsh. I don't want to be anything but good to him. I want him to feel great when I'm around, and not for my sake, for his. I want to make him happy. I want to be the reason he wakes up in the morning and smiles, the reason he comes to school every day, the reason he wants to kiss me.

I can't break up with him.

Decision made.

I take a deep breath. "So, um, dramatic entrance?"

Julian grins. "Are you kidding? I've been waiting for this moment since we met!"

We go out to the hallway, at the top of the stairs, and Julian clears his throat. "Alden Clegg, may I present the most talented, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous person…" He pauses for dramatic effect and turns to wink at me playfully, "Me!" He struts down the stairs, stopping at each step and striking a pose. I watch him, laughing hysterically, as he makes his way down to the ground floor. I can hear Matty and Alden laughing and applauding Julian as he poses at the bottom, pointer finger aimed for the sky. He breaks into a smile. "Oh, and, of course, Blanca!" He motions for me to come down.

I roll my eyes as shivers run down my spine, thinking about every time someone has walked downstairs in a ball gown in rom-coms. Hand sliding down the banister, I stroll down each step with grace. I can see the bottom half of Alden's body, but his face is hidden by the wall. Finally, I make it to the bottom, and see his grinning, blushing face, beaming at me. He's wearing a black suit and a black bowtie. His hair is not combed at all. He left his red locks curly and natural. It's not like they're messy, though. They're just Alden.

He smiles and takes my hand, kissing it lightly. "You look beautiful," he says gently. He takes a corsage and slips it onto my wrist.

I look to Julian, but like a true Julian Burris, he's ready with a rose and pin. He hands it to me and I lightly poke the needle through Alden's breast pocket. I lay my hands flat on his chest and smile up at him. "You look very handsome," I say playfully.

I glance over at Matty. He's wearing a dark maroon suit and a matching bowtie. His hair is combed, which is a rare sight, and he's wearing old dress shoes. Only not just any old dress shoes. Dad's old dress shoes. I smile at him, only for a moment. He smiles back, shrugging a little.

"Alright, alright, let's go," Julian says.

We all walk outside to Alden's car. He opens the passenger door open and waves me inside, shutting the door softly. Matty and Julian climb into the back and we drive down the road. Matty reaches up and pats the back of Alden's seat. "Thanks again for taking me with you guys, Alden," he says.

Julian nods. "Yeah, same."

Alden eyes me, smiling slightly.

Slightly.

"No problem," he says, in a normal, happy tone.

The rest of the ride is silent. Not like the pleasant silence Alden and I have. The opposite. Tense and tight.

We get to the school and it looks the same from the outside. Red brick, paint-stained concrete, everything. But we make our way inside, and I can't believe that my breath is taken away by a high school gym. The gym has changed completely. There are sparkly streamers hanging from every surface on the ceiling and there is glitter everywhere. The bleachers are lined up on one wall and there are tables and people all over the room.

"Wow." I take Alden's hand and lead him inside. Julian and Matty follow, hands in their pockets, going stag. They talk to each other as they head to the punch table. I pull Alden to an empty space on the bleachers and sit down.

"Hi," I say, smiling and grasping his sleeve.

"Hey." He turns to me and grins. "How's your prom night so far?"

I laugh. "We just got here."

He smiles. "I said so far."

I tilt my head to the side, staring into his eyes. "Well, I'd say it's going pretty great."

He beams, gently putting his hand under my chin and pulling me in, kissing me softly.