Waves

Matty and I sit on the floor in silence for a while. After about thirty minutes, he heaves himself up and offers me a hand. "Come on," he says quietly. I let him help me up and we stand at the side of my bed. "Okay," he says. "I'm going to ask you a serious question."

I nod.

"Now, I know these yearbooks are very important to you." I feel my whole body freeze up. Matty chuckles. "Yeah, you're not as sneaky about looking at 'Alden Through the Years' as you thought you were."

I smile.

"Do you really want to get rid of them?" He pauses. I say nothing. I stare at the box with vacant eyes. "I'm not for or against it. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing and what you want to do."

I hesitate. He's right. These yearbooks mean a lot to me, for years, they've meant everything to me. It might sound totally stupid and pointless to keep them or get rid of them. Why keep them if you only look through them to see your ex? Why get rid of them if they have memories and stories in every photograph?

I shake my head. "I don't need them."

He waits a moment before nodding. "Okay." He claps his hands together. "I'm sure there's a lot more you want to get rid of."

We work from the top to the bottom of my room, emptying every box and every drawer, going through every bit of space we can. We end up filling another box and a half. I sigh exasperatedly and look around. Even though half of the stuff we're getting rid of was in drawers or cabinets, my room looks completely different. I almost feel different. Like I'm breathing new air.

Matty nods approvingly. "Good?"

I smile and exhale out of satisfaction. "Yes."

Matty grabs a box and instructs me to get another. We lug both his and my goodwill donations down to Dad's car and load them in the backseat and trunk. "Ready?"

I nod sharply. "Yes."

We drive to a store called 'D is for Donate' and Matty goes inside to call an employee to help us load our stuff. A tall blonde boy that looks about sixteen years old comes outside with Matty and a big, long, wheeling cart. We apply every box to it, and I take one last look at my box, where I can see my 2019-2020 yearbook poking out from between the flaps. Matty thanks the employee and climbs back into the car. I slide into the passenger seat and exhale heavily.

"You okay?" Matty asks before starting the car.

I nod. Hesitantly. I think about the amount of time I have spent skimming through all those yearbooks. I wonder how many days it would have been if I added up all the hours? Was it a waste of time? I could have spent those hours doing the things I love, being with the people I care about, becoming someone.

I think about the person I am. I think back on all the years of my life. But I actually feel like I don't have a lot to look back on. I don't know who I am. Sure, I like calligraphy and rom-coms, but what else? And now that I have no friends, I really don't know what of my life is so wonderful. What about myself makes me important? What about myself is memorable?

"Blanca?"

I look at my brother, my eyes wide and my lips drawn in a line. "Yeah."

He sucks in a breath. "What's up?"

I shrug. "I don't know who I am," I say simply. "What makes me special?"

Matty scoffs. "C'mon, lots of things make you special."

I tilt my head to the side. "I just feel like I've spent so much time on other people." I glance at Matty. "I know that sounds really selfish," I say, laughing lightly, "but I feel like I've put so much time into making other people happy, like Alden, and that's great, but I've focused too much on his happiness and less on mine. I just feel like I need to put myself first."

Matty nods. "Say that again."

I raise an eyebrow. "I just feel like I need to put myself first," I say hesitantly.

Matty smiles a little. "Good. Now get rid of the word 'just.'"

"I…" I pause. "I feel like I need to put myself first."

"Almost there." Matty looks right into my eyes. "Take away 'feel like.'"

"I need to put myself first."

Matty starts the car and starts driving. "Remember that. If you do, you can find who you are. You can start caring more about yourself versus other people."

I stare at my brother who looks straight out the window. "Thanks, Matty."

He nods and glances at me. "I love you, Blanca." He pauses. "You're gonna figure this out."

* * *

Mom knocks on my door lightly, waking me up with a start. She walks in and shakes me gently even though I'm already awake. "Mija, you have a visitor," she whispers.

I turn over to face her and sit up. Panic sweeps my entire body. "Is it Julian?"

She makes a face. "No," she says softly. "Just—" She stops abruptly. "Just put on some clothes and come downstairs."

I open my mouth to interrogate her further, but she's out the door and down the hall before I can take a breath. I sigh and stand up, slipping off my pj's and switching them out for black bike shorts and a black cropped tank top with spaghetti straps. I slip on some sandals and clomp downstairs. I glance out the front window for a car, but I'm whisked away by Matty. He walks me into the hall and whispers softly, "just relax."

"What?" I look up at Matty, who looks panicked and uncomfortable.

"Don't freak out."

"Where's Mom?" I ask.

"Upstairs. She doesn't want to see him." Matty frowns.

Oh my gosh. Is it Alden? Did Mom find out about us? My heart skips a beat uncomfortably and starts beating like crazy.

"Matty?" a man's voice calls.

Now my heart stops.

I go into the living room. Dad is sitting on the couch with his back straight and his hands folded neatly. His face is a little pink, hopefully out of embarrassment. "What are you doing here?" I ask sharply.

He smiles awkwardly. "No, 'hi, dad?'"

I narrow my eyes.

He stands up. "It's been five years, and this is the welcome I get?" He's smiling uncomfortably.

"Six."

He raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"It's been six years," I say softly, breaking eye contact with him and suddenly feeling very shy for some reason.

He chuckles. "You must be seventeen, then?"

"Yeah, her birthday was four months ago," Matty says, coming around from the hall. "Maybe if you wrote it down on your calendar, you would know." He pauses. "But I bet it's filled with your new family's plans."

I look at Matty with wide eyes. "Matías!" I hiss.

Matty scoffs. "What are you doing here?" He crosses his arms. I look back at Dad.

He looks down like a guilty child who is admitting to breaking a window. "I wanted to change our relationship." he looks back up at us. "I've realized that I've made some mistakes, but I'm ready to change, grow."

"In case you didn't notice," Matty starts, "Blanca and I have already grown up without you." He shakes his head at Dad in disgust. "You're six years too late."

Matty marches through the kitchen and down the hall to his room, slamming the door loudly.

"Blanca," Dad says, taking a step towards me, "I'm sorry. Let me change."

I look at him with wide eyes. I nod.

He breaks into a smile. "Thank you—" he says, coming in for a hug, but I hold out my hand.

"Let me tell you something," I say, looking him directly in the eyes. He looks taken aback. Shocked. "I've been really quiet since you got here. That doesn't mean I'm on your side." I pause. "I will always be on Matty's side," I say, my voice breaking. "He is my brother."

"But I'm your father," he interjects.

"You're not, though!" I shout. He backs up. "You have not been here, have you? You've missed six years of my life and I am changing! I'm 'growing' without you! I don't need you!" I take a deep breath.

Dad laughs lightly and awkwardly. "I'm sure you and Matty fight all the time, though." As if he can get an advantage from that.

"Matty and I haven't fought in months, actually. Matty is always there for me." I stare at him angrily. "And where have you been?"

He stays silent.

"All the way in Sacramento, nine hours away from us!" I shake my head, my eyes tearing up. "I don't need you, and I haven't needed you. And neither does Matty. Matty is graduating without you. He's moving to Massachusetts without you. I'm making my way through high school without you. I'm learning without you. I had my first boyfriend without you!"

"What?"

I whip around and see Mom, her hands folded at her chest, looking at me with a concerned face.

I feel the color rush from my face. "Mami, let me—"

"Juan," Mom says, looking at my dad, "leave. Now. Don't come near my children again. They don't need you." She waits for Dad to hesitantly leave. She turns to me. "What have you not told me?" she asks, crossing her arms.

I immediately start crying. Mom won't take any crap, though. She stays still. "Mom, I'm sorry," I say.

"For?"

"I didn't tell you anything, I've been lying to you for the past six months. So much has happened in my life and I don't know what I'm doing anymore." I stop and look at Mom with wide, scared eyes. "I'm so lost, mami. I need help."

Mom stares at me with the same, unchanging stern look. The same face I have looked at for the past six years. Ever since Dad left, all I get from her is either business or disappointment. There are no loving embraces or appreciative smiles, all I have seen from her is the everlasting feeling that I am incomplete and lacking. I haven't felt like she's been proud of me for so long. I don't even know how she would act if she was.

I shake my head. "You can't help me, though, can you?" I say softly. Mom cocks her head to the side ever so slightly. I sigh. "I will never be enough. I'm not smart enough, not clean enough, not helpful enough, nothing!" I'm yelling. "Why can't I just be enough to be your daughter?" Mom stays still, although her eyes soften in the slightest.

After a moment, Mom sighs heavily. "Blanca Julieta, I believe you are enough."

I scoff. "Why do you have to phrase it like that?" I know I'm getting ahead of myself and being over-dramatic, but everything she does has got me on edge. "Why can't you just say 'you are enough?' It just sounds like your beating around the bush."

Mom furrows her brows. "Blanca that isn't a way to talk to your mother—"

"Well this isn't a way to treat your daughter!" I interrupt her.

Mom laughs mockingly. "How am I treating you? I'm raising you the way I always have, where is this coming from?"

"Mom!" I yell. "You might not be willing to admit it, but ever since Dad left, you haven't been there for Matty and I! You have been working longer hours every day and you don't pay attention. You run away to your room and you don't come out until you leave for work! It is selfish! It is unfair and I don't deserve to be raised like this! I have done nothing but help you all these years and I am still not enough!"

Mom points down the hall. "If you're going to be ungrateful, go to your room and pout, I will not tolerate this!" she yells.

I stomp my foot on the ground. It might seem a little extra, but my feelings are on a high right now. "Mom, I'm not ungrateful, I am asking for your help!"

"It seems like you're asking for me to be more!" Mom screams. I fall silent. Mom takes a deep breath. "I know that you work hard, mija," she says in a softer tone, "but I work hard too. I work extra hours to support Matty for college and for you later too. I'm just trying to keep this family alive, to keep it up and running." She frowns. "I'm sorry that you feel like I'm trying to get away from you two. I hate working for so long. I hardly get to see you both anymore, but I'm just trying to support us."

I stare at my mother with solemn eyes. I feel them well up. "I'm sorry for yelling," I say through tears.

Mom takes a few steps forward to me and pulls me into a warm embrace, something I haven't felt in a long time. "I am too, Blanca." She pulls back. "I love you very much."

"I love you too." I lie in her arms for as long as I can.

* * *

Sometimes I feel like I have some amazing news to share, but no one to share it with. At least I felt like that after we moved to San Diego. It was just little things like going into middle school or graduating elementary school or something. Just the milestones, even if they're only pebbles. After I met Julian, I finally had someone I could talk to about that stuff, even if it was a short conversation before moving on to something else. And then after the last couple of years, I've gotten closer with Matty, so I have another person. And after Alden and I started dating, there's been a third.

But now that Julian and Alden are history and Matty's moving away, it's going to be like I'm starting all over again. I'll be going to school without anyone to talk to or sit with, just thinking to myself all through class, struggling to pay attention. I used to think that it was nice to only have a couple of friends and spend most of my time alone. But I didn't ever think that I would lose all my friends at the same time.

I hear a knock on the door and dart my eyes to the window. I'm sitting in the dark car at seven in the morning. Just sitting. Not looking through my phone or reading or anything. Just sitting in complete and total silence. Did you know you can go insane if you're stuck in a silent void? You start getting hallucinations and paranoia. It's freaky.

Part of me just wants to stay in here and let it happen.

Matty opens the driver's door and climbs in with me. "Hey," he grunts. I nod in response. I don't feel like talking yet. "What are you doing?"

I shrug and sigh. "Just thinking."

"About?"

I glance at my brother. "It's just crazy how fast it all went down."

"What?"

I shake my head. "I've lost everyone I ever loved in the span of a week."

Matty smiles a little. "I'm still here."

I look at him with raised eyebrows. "But you're leaving in a month."

He frowns and exhales deeply. "I know. I'm sorry, the timing is just terrible."

I look down. "I mean, at least things with Mom aren't as strained."

Matty nods. "Maybe she'll work less hours after I move out and everything is stable."

I don't respond.

"Maybe she'll see you more often," he adds. "Do you want that?"

I shrug. "I've grown so accustomed to living most of my life without her. I don't know how I'd feel if she all of a sudden started coming home at nine or ten. It would probably be weird, but I don't know if I would like or dislike it."

Matty sighs. "It sounds like you've been thinking about this a lot."

I avoid his eyes. "I just don't want things to change."

"It's hard, I know," Matty breathes, "but you've got to learn to move with the change. You might feel like your life is moving along without you. You might feel like you're being dragged into something you're not ready for. You just need to get int he right mindset. Change your thinking."

I know that Matty's right. It's not like I can stay stuck in eleventh grade for the rest of my life, trying to get it right the first try. Life is going to move along in waves, the highs and the lows, all of it. I need to accept that I am swimming the ocean called life, just trying to move with the tide, and I might be swallowed under the surges and floods, but I know that I will be able to pop up again, able to take a deep, refreshing breath and start again. I will get wet along the way, but I just need to remember that I can always dry off again in the warm sun.

Matty sighs and opens his door, starting to climb out of the car.

"Don't feel bad."

He turns around and leans over so our eyes can meet. "What?"

"Don't feel bad," I repeat. "It's amazing that you got into Harvard. And Mom… I've never seen her more proud of you."

Matty smiles. "Thanks," he whispers.

I reach over and wrap my arms around his shoulders. "You're going to do great things, Matty. I know it."

* * *

May is freezing.

Okay, so it's only, like, sixty degrees outside, which for people who live in colder or places where the seasons rotate regularly is probably actually really warm, but for me, since I've lived in California for the past six years, it's freaking cold.

I wrap my cardigan around my chest tightly as I walk to the school entrance with Matty by my side. It's really nice that while I'm not talking to Alden or Julian, Matty is still at school. At least he didn't graduate early or something.

"Why did you wear a skirt?" he asks, laughing.

I shrug, my teeth chattering. "I thought it was going to be nicer today."

Matty smiles. "It's spring in California, and you still think this is cold weather. That's a pretty good reason for why you should check the weather every morning before you get dressed."

I laugh, but it's not as enjoyable since I'm shivering so bad, that I can't form a sentence.

It's pathetic. Why did I ever stop being a Tennessee kid?

We go inside and wave goodbye. I walk to biology and set my backpack down at the side of my chair, folding my hands together neatly on the desk. The bell rings and Mrs. Glick walks into the room, hugging a stack of papers close to her chest. She is a tall blonde woman with a baby bump and a bright smile. "Good morning!" she calls from behind the mass of papers. She leans onto her desk and lies them on top, clapping off her hands and facing us. "Okay, so before we get started—"

There's a light knock on the door and Hillary Trent pokes her head inside. "Um, Mrs. Glick?" she hisses across the classroom.

Mrs. Glick claps her palm to her forehead. "Silly me!" she says, waving Hillary inside. Hillary side-eyes me hard as she shuffles in, followed by a bunch of other student council kids. "I forgot the student council has some announcements before we begin."

Hillary nods and looks back to the door as Julian walks in, flipping through a number of papers. She clears her throat as Julian almost bumps into a desk in the front row. He looks up with a start and awkwardly makes immediate eye contact with me. I feel antsy and squirm in my seat uncomfortably as he stammers to himself. "Um, yes, sorry, guys," he says quietly. I hate that I've caught him off guard. Whenever he's nervous, he gets like this. Clammy, stuttery, and clumsy. I don't want to throw him off. The least I want to do is be able to smile at him without getting a glare in return.

I've tried.

He clears his throat. "Hillary?"

Hillary and another kid nod and reveal a bright poster. It's decorated with various colors and snippets of magazines and just plain old construction paper. I read the letters on the top that read 'MAKE IT HAPPEN,' written in big block letters.

"As we're reaching the last two weeks of this brilliant school year," Julian says sharply, "we're putting the final images and pictures into the yearbook, and we're searching for your favorite moments with your besties—" He glances at me as he says it, but he jumps right back into it. It makes me smile seeing him regain his confidence. "—So either go find the old pics or make some new memories!"

"Make it happen!" Three of the younger members of the council harmonize.

The class claps awkwardly, but I clap the loudest. I realize that even if Julian and my relationship is over or will never be the same, I'm still so happy for everything that he accomplishes. No matter what beef we have, I'll always be happy for him and proud of him.

He notices my loud applause because he stares at me for about five seconds as the rest of the council files out of the room, heading to the next class to announce. He looks at me, but his expression isn't mad like it has been, it's just solemn. Sober. Composed.

I furrow my eyebrows, trying to show him how I feel without saying anything. He blinks and looks a little confused, but not with me, with himself. Hillary hands him the poster and guides him out of the classroom. He glances at me once more before he disappears into the hallway.

Mrs. Glick smiles as the door shuts softly. "Make sure you get those pictures with your friends, everyone!" she says cheerfully.

I will.

I'm getting my best friend back.

Even if things never are the same.

Even if they never go back to the way they were.

But you know what?

It won't. Even if we make up and work things out, I know our friendship will never be the same. But that doesn't mean that it will be bad. It could change for the better, you just never know until you take a leap and plunge into the unknown.