Star

I march out of the school like I rule the world, like no one can stop me if I go outside and scream my heart out, preaching to everyone and anyone who will listen. I feel like I can convince anyone of anything and know that if I can't, they're not worth my time.

I try to remember that as I stride down the sidewalk, making my way toward destiny.

Toward Julian.

I really hope that he's worth my time.

I can see him across the parking lot, opening his car door, tossing his backpack in, and climbing into the seat.

I'm running out of time. He's already leaving. I'm not in the mood to try and talk to him at his house where he could easily slam the door on me or tell his dad I'm bothering him.

There's so much more of a chance of getting rejected.

I sprint to his car in long paces, my breathing short and dedicated. I watch as his car backs out of the parking spot slowly and tauntingly.

I'm so close to him. So close to the car I've spent hours in, just driving. So many conversations between Julian and I have been spilled in that car, flooded with juicy and deep and memorable words. So many meaningful secrets have been shared in that car.

So many conversations and secrets lie with Julian as he sits in his car.

So many memories.

Feelings.

Without Julian in my life, I have no outlet. I know that Julian is the person I can tell anything. He is the one I would go to for advice, for comfort, for wisdom.

Julian is my best friend. Without him, I'm an empty shell. I've poured so much of myself into him, that it's unbearable if I lose him. I can't lose my only source.

And it may sound selfish, but I'm pretty sure that I'm his outlet too.

"Julian!" It bursts out of me uncontrollably. I know he can't hear me. So I scream louder, run faster, try harder. I will not give up on Julian so quickly. "Julian!"

He can't hear me. Or he won't. I don't want to push and prod, but I don't want to lose him either. I need to think about myself too.

I have feelings too.

And I also have spontaneous, insane thoughts that run through my mind. Thoughts like running in front of Julian's car.

Before I think about it too much, I race harder than I ever have and lunge in front of Julian, arms spread out wide, face bold, ready for whatever is coming at me, whether it be Julian's car or his anger. The best thing to do is try. Every relationship requires effort and integrity. Stamina and determination. Without those intentions, no relationship will last. Whether it's with your boyfriend or your best friend or your sister, it demands work. Without dedication, there's no way it will last. Trying is the best and sometimes the only thing you can do to save a connection.

And right now I am trying harder than ever.

Julian's brakes squeal to a stop and he gapes at me with mad panic on his face. His mouth moves slightly like he's whispering to himself. He blinks repeatedly and veers to the side, pulling over to the curb, one hand over his heart. I take this opportunity and open the passenger door. Julian whips his head to me. "What were you thinking? I could have hurt you!"

I nod. "You could've. But you didn't Despite everything that has happened over the past months, you haven't hurt me, Julian. Sure, maybe Alden hurt me, but not you. Never you."

Julian shakes his head slightly. "No. I yelled at you. I told you that I wanted more from you." He winces at himself like a pang of guilt rushes over him. "That wasn't fair of me."

I pause and climb into the passenger seat, facing Julian. I take his hand. "I was feeling really lost and didn't know what to do. It was like I was in denial. I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, the way I was feeling. It just felt so scary to lose Alden." I pause and smile a little. "I thought of Alden as the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me so happy. But I was wrong. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Julian. You make me smile, even when we're fighting. I can't stay mad at you. You're my person." I hesitate. "Even if it's only platonic."

Julian clicks his tongue softly. Not out of annoyance or frustration, merely out of the dilemma. "You don't have to say 'only platonic.' I never felt that way towards you."

I blush. He continues. "I mean, it's not like I was ever jealous of Alden or anything. You don't even have to mention if it's platonic. I know that. I'm gay."

I feel very uncomfortable, but it's not because Julian is out. I honestly couldn't care less if Julian is gay or straight or whatever. It's not my life. I just feel uncomfortable because I feel like he thinks I care. I don't want Julian to think I'm homophobic or anything. We don't really know any gay people (or at least gay people that are out) at our school so we've never really gotten the chance to talk about it. Now that I know, I just hope that Julian knows I only want him to be happy.

"I'm sorry, Julian," I blurt.

He avoids my eyes. "For what?"

I sigh exasperatedly. Not towards him, towards myself. "For leaving you in the dark and shutting you out. I isolated myself."

He frowns. "I— I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for something like that. It's your choice to tell me stuff. It's not like you're supposed to."

I pause. "I'm sorry I never asked."

"Asked what?" Julian asks softly.

"I guess I just never thought about you being gay." I sigh. "I— You know I don't care, right?"

Julian shrugs. "I didn't think you were anti or anything."

I nod. "I'm not. I'm all for it. If you're gay or straight, it doesn't affect me." I squeeze his hand lightly. He looks over at me with welling eyes. "You're still my best friend, Julian."

He smiles. "Thanks," he breathes.

I sigh out of satisfaction. "I don't want any more secrets."

Julian shakes his head. "I don't want you to feel like you have to say anything to me."

I look down. "I just… I don't like when friends keep things from each other. It always gets messy."

Julian tilts his head. "You're thinking about Alden, aren't you?"

I didn't realize it, but, yeah, Julian's probably right. I guess after everything that has happened with Alden, I'm just paranoid that if I don't tell Julian things, even little things, we'll just fall apart again. "And you." I mean, it did happen between us. I didn't tell Julian or Alden that I wasn't happy and I lost both of them. I can't bear to go through that again.

Julian frowns. "Why?"

"I didn't tell you I was unhappy. Now we're here."

Julian shakes his head, smiling. "I think… We can use this as an opportunity."

I sigh. "You sound like my mom. Only much quieter. And less demanding."

Julian ignores me and keeps talking. "We fought, right?"

I nod stubbornly.

"And now we're here, like you said. But do you realize what 'here' is?" He pauses to let his question sink in. "We're apologizing to each other, Blanca. We're growing, progressing, and learning. You— You're a perfectionist. You want to get things right the first try. But in real life, that's not how things work. Unless you're naturally gifted at avoiding any and all conflict, you're screwed. You can't always get everything right the first time."

I take Julian's thoughts into consideration. I feel like I've had this talk a million times with Matty, even though it's probably only been one or two times. It's kind of frustrating that people have to keep telling me these things.

I exhale sharply. "What?" Julian asks.

I shake my head. "It's just— Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a perfectionist or a people-pleaser, but… I don't know."

"No, you do," Julian coaxes.

I look down. "It's just— It scares me, because what if they're right?"

Julian frowns. "Do you think they are?"

I shrug. "I don't know. That's why I'm so nervous."

"Do you think they are?" Julian asks again.

I pause. "Yeah." It feels relieving to say it. Like a wave peacefully passed by me, not pushing me forward or pulling me back.

Julian nods. "There isn't 'what if they're right' when you're talking about yourself. It's your decision to decide whether someone's assumption about you is right or not. If you think like that, you're never going to give yourself the freedom to think for yourself."

"So maybe I'm a people-pleaser, but I guess that just sucks?" I say. "I mean, it's just stupid because I know that I try to put everyone else before myself, but can I move on from that? Is it possible? Or am I just gonna be stuck thinking about hurting everyone else's feelings when I'm only hurting myself more?" I sigh. "I just feel really stuck."

Julian nods. "You just need to work at it." He sighs. "I know that's not the answer you want, but it's what you're going to get. Whoever you ask, they're either going to tell you that or something totally incorrect like, 'well, you should put others first.'"

I nod. "Okay. Then to work at it, I think that we should establish some boundaries?" I shake my head at my tone. It sounds like I'm asking a question, like I'm doubting myself or I'm too scared to say anything in case someone disagrees. "We should establish some boundaries," I rephrase.

Julian nods, smiling.

"Here's what I think," I say, "I think that it's smart to tell each other things and keep one another updated, but I also think that it's important to respect each other's privacy."

Julian nods. "I agree."

"I think that we should feel safe around each other. In friendship, it's vital that we feel comfortable. We should know that no one is going to judge anyone else for something." I pause. "Unless it's like, really, really bad."

Julian laughs. "I missed you."

I smile. "I missed you more." We lean in and embrace each other tightly. We sit in his parked, running car for a minute or two, just lying in each other.

After a moment, we part and I sigh. "I'm sorry I was bugging you so bad about Yvonne. If I knew—"

Julian shakes his head. "Hey, maybe I should've felt more comfortable telling you earlier." He pauses. "I'm sorry I had to come out like that."

"Like what?"

He shrugs. "I was just so fired up in the moment, it wasn't one of those heartfelt, uplifting coming out moments they have in movies where you come to love the character even more." He sighs. "It was an angry coming out moment. No one likes those."

I smile. "Then come out."

He cocks his head to the side, grinning. "What?"

"Come out to me. Only this time, it'll be heartfelt and uplifting."

He smiles. "Blanca," he says slowly, "I'm gay."

I beam. "Better?"

He pauses, letting the warm aura sink in. He nods. "Better."

I hug him again. "So tell me about your crushes!" I say excitedly. "For the last six years, we've only ever talked about Alden. I want to hear about you!"

Julian giggles. "Well, let's just say that I was low key in love with Matty in eighth grade."

My jaw drops and I let out a laugh. "Wow."

He smiles. After a moment, his face sobers. "Do you miss him?"

"Who?" I ask stupidly.

Julian sighs. "Blanca."

I know.

I shrug hopelessly. "I mean, it's been almost four months. I should be over it by now, right?"

Julian holds up his hands. "Don't ask me. One, I've never been in a relationship, but two, it's not up to me. You decide whether you're over it or not."

I look down. "I'm not over it," I say abruptly. Straightforward and blunt. It's better to admit it quickly before you stress too much. I look up at Julian, my eyes tearing up. I mean, it's felt good to cry so much, but I wonder if I cry too much now. I guess it's my choice to decide that. "I don't want to be over it, thought."

Julian nods. "You love him."

Panic shoots through my body. "Maybe," I say, shrugging.

Julian shakes his head. "I mean, I'm not telling you what to do, but I've seen the way you look at him, the face you get when you talk about him. Your eyes light up when he walks in the room and your whole body just flies." He takes my hand, forcing me to look at him. "From what it looks like," he says softly, "you're in love with Clegg."

I feel my whole body shaking intensely. Tears slide down my face. I can't tell if they're happy or sad tears. "I'm in love with Clegg?" I ask.

Julian shakes his head. "That's for you to decide, Blanca."

* * *

The last day of school was an obscure, unfocused thrill of people crowding your desk to sign your yearbook and trying to squeeze through others to get to theirs. Luckily, I had Julian with me the entire day. He claimed that he didn't like anyone in any of his classes, so ditched all of them to stick with me. The last day of school is almost a free-for-all. People ditch class, hang in the hallways, and go to both first and second lunch, and the teachers hardly care. As long as there's no vandalism or drugs being exchanged, they couldn't care less.

Julian signs my yearbook twenty-three times and Matty signs mine twice. Once on the first page and once on the back page. It's almost a relief that I don't have any classes with Alden because I'm not sure that I want his signature in my yearbook.

I've been thinking a lot about how Julian believes I'm in love with Alden. I'm not sure what to think exactly. I've written in my journal about it, but by the time I was done, I read over it and realized that I was basically just repeating the same thing over and over. Julian thinks I love Alden. I kept saying that 'Julian thought' but I never wrote what I thought. I'm sure it's just because I don't know what to think. I don't know if he's right or if he's wrong or if I should rely more on Julian's words or not. I just don't know what to think or which direction to turn.

After school, everyone stampeded outside and flooded the parking lot, loitering in it for about half an hour. Julian, Matty and I, however, left very quickly, heading to Curt's Desserts for the Summer Sundae Bar, which was being held from four to closing time in honor of the last day of school for the district. We ate ice cream for two hours before trudging back to Matty's car and dropping Julian off at home. Matty and I drove back home in a warm, peaceful silence.

Mom treated us with pizza for dinner, both in celebration of the last day of school and also in celebration of Matty's graduation. Mom even bought a small bottle of champagne, which she took upstairs to her room after bidding us goodnight.

That night, Matty and I stayed up until three in the morning, watching cartoons and eating popcorn and pizza.

It was one of the best nights of my life. One of the last nights I would spend with my brother before he moved away to college. I thought I'd be really sad that night, realizing that Matty would be moving away in a matter of days, but I decided to live in the moment and appreciate the time I still had with Matty.

* * *

Julian knocks on the door at nine in the morning on the first day of summer. I'm still in my oversized tee and boxers. Yes. I wear boxers as pajamas. No judgment.

I open the door in surprise and welcome him inside. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Why don't we go up to your room?" he says, already headed upstairs. I follow him, confused and concerned.

"What's going on—"

He interrupts me by shoving a book at me.

"What—" I look down at the book and realize that it's my sketchbook. "Where did you get this?"

"Alden said he found it in your car a week ago. He just never got to giving it to me." Julian folds his arms but then lets his hands fall to his side. He continues to change his position awkwardly as I raise an eyebrow at him skeptically.

"Anyway," he says abruptly. "I'm gonna go." He hugs me suddenly and runs downstairs, slamming the front door behind him.

Leave it to Julian to freak someone out.

I shut my bedroom door softly as I crack open my sketchbook, starting from the very first page. I flip through three or four drawings, examining the careful strokes. I turn the next page and gasp quietly to myself, sitting down on my bed, still staring at the page in awe. It's the drawing that I drew on Thanksgiving. She's dressed in a jumpsuit with a skirt with ruffles and different pieces of fabric that look like turkey feathers. Her hair is pulled up in a bun with flyaways and long, curly strands led astray from the elastic. Only it's not the drawing that leaves me in shock. It's the note next to it, written in precise, careful handwriting.

I remember thinking about you all Thanksgiving Day. All morning when the adults were prepping food and the kids were running around like wild geese. I thought about cooking the mashed potatoes with you and chopping up vegetables. Throughout dinner I thought about what it would be like to spend that meal with you, to pass you the basket of rolls and set up your plate and silverware in your place on the table, next to me. All evening while my aunts and uncles watched the football game, I imagined what it would be like if you were there with us, laughing and talking like best friends. I mean, we're family. You're family. It would've been amazing.

I reread the note repeatedly before turning the page, only to be surprised again. A drawing of a girl wearing a mushroom skirt and hat, surrounded by little gnomes. I drew this at the beginning of December. Just like the one before, a note was scribbled neatly next to the sketch.

You looked gorgeous the other day at school. I mean, you always look gorgeous. In case you're wondering, 'the other day' was the first week of May. I was just thinking about where we were when you drew this. Not literally, not physically, just where our relationship was. I think it was after Christmas. After our fight. That was Hell. It's Hell right now. It's been really hard going through these past few weeks. Seeing you at school is a nightmare. All I want to do is run back to you.

I flip the page, finding another sketch. It was the last sketch I did. It was my prom dress. The one I wore that night. That night. I drew myself. My whole outfit, my hairstyle, my makeup, everything. I even drew the corsage. But I don't see a note. I furrow my eyebrows, turning the page again, and cup my hand over my mouth. The final note on the back of the drawing and the entire next page.

Blanca Perez,

My name.

That is my name.

I sniff.

Alden Clegg wrote my name.

Again.

It's happening all over again.

I want to start with how sorry I am. You may not think that you deserve an apology from me or that I don't need to apologize to you, but I do. I'm sorry for getting so worked up on prom night. I got stressed and upset because I felt like I wasn't doing enough for you. I felt like I was trying my hardest at being the best boyfriend, only to blow everything up. I felt like I was a stick of dynamite. I now know that I indeed was not the best boyfriend. You were probably very overwhelmed and I now see that.

I know that I was really needy. I sort of knew that from the beginning, just in the back of my mind. I was always thinking, 'where is she? Why isn't she with me? Why am I not with her? Is she lonely? Am I doing enough?' I was always stressing, thinking that you were worth so much more than what I was giving, and I just wanted to be the best boyfriend I could be. I now see that I was nagging, overwhelming, and persistent. It wasn't healthy and didn't benefit either of us.

You weren't happy. You told me that yourself. I was confused and frustrated in the moment. I thought that you didn't appreciate all that I was doing and that you were ungrateful or something, but I now realize that you were just swamped. It was totally my fault, and you can try to prove me wrong, but all you did was try to keep me happy. I feel bad because I know that you are not responsible for my emotions. I appreciate that you just want me to be happy, but the whole time we were dating, I wanted you to be happy. I guess we both need to learn to put ourselves first. I learned that both you and I are not responsible for each other's feelings, whether we're dating or not. If I'm sad, it's not your job to make me feel happy, and vice versa.

Blanca, I feel really, really bad, and even if we never get back together or we just become friends, I just want to talk to you. I want to hear your side and I want you to be able to share your side. What else isn't fair is if I get to pour myself into these pages but I never hear your side of our story. I want to know how it was for you and how I can apologize to you in a more meaningful way in person. Again, we don't even have to make up and start dating again or even become friends. I could never talk to you again, but I would feel insanely guilty if I never got to truly clear things with you. I just want to give you the opportunity to share your opinions and your pains.

Even if we never get back together or we never speak to each other again, I want you to know that I will always care deeply and strongly about you. It might take me weeks or months or years to get over what we had, but for however long, I will love you. I don't want to overwhelm you or anything by saying that, I just want you to know that I will always care about you and my door will always be open to you. I'm not locking you out, Blanca Perez.

Love,

Alden Clegg