WHEN I LOST IT ALL

Life was going normal for me and I felt like I was losing feelings for victor I felt like I should really stick on just being his friend besides I had other things to worry about. I had my son to think of,I had my business to work on,I had myself to make happy I went back to feeling I was the only one that owed myself happiness I have gone through alot to know that. I went back to feeling no one gives you anything for free. My birthday was coming up I wasn't expecting anything from anyone I have never had my birthday celebrated the only woman that always made that day special for me was no more ever since she left my birthday was just like any other day for me. On my birthday I woke up and as usual there was no call from anybody to wish me a happy birthday or even text message I was getting dressed atleast I could go spend my day with the best gift I had I was planning to spend my day with my son the only joy that came from the pain I went through and the reason I keep fighting to be better. I was about to leave the house when a call from my sister Jane came in,I was wondering why she was calling and I was sure it wasn't to wish me a happy birthday but surprisingly to sang a birthday song for me and prayed for me. The only sister I loved by the way she then told me that we could hangout later in the evening that I could bring two of my friends that one got me surprised I asked her if she was going to sponsor the outing she told me not to worry that I should just get dressed and come out when it's time. For the first time after a very long time on my birthday I felt happy. For goodness sake I was feeling happy on my birthday I can't remember ever feeling this emotion on my birthday. With happiness I got dressed bought ice-cream and snacks and went to see my son. He ran towards me kissed me and sang a happy birthday song for me and gave me a card he made himself I was blessed to have him. I gave him what I bought for him stayed with him good thing his grandmother and father was not around I didn't have it in me to deal with his father and I didn't want my day to be spoilt. Hours later my sister called me to remind me what we planned for he evening she gave me an address, I went to my friends house Olivia her roommate Sarah was around too she was my friend as well. I told them my sister asked me to come o a club with two of my friends to celebrate my birthday I was still surprised my sister wanted to celebrate my birthday, all those years she didn't celebrate it for me what changed? I didn't want to think deep on it, it was my birthday after all the birthday that actually felt like it mattered so I stayed with the girls we visited as girls do and it killed time when it was time we left to the address given to me getting in their as always clubs are usually noisy and crowded I tried locating my sister brought out my phone to atleast call in the midst of the noise then I saw victor and his friends, I wondered what he was doing here to think he didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday don't friends with benefits atleast do that? Walking towards him I also saw my sister she stood up to hug me with a smile on her face I never knew she communicated with victor. I asked her how come she was here with victor she told me victor called her and asked her to tell me to come with my friends to celebrate my birthday. I had a look of shock and surprise I covered my mouth in a gasp. I couldn't believe it,just when I thought was actually my sister that planned this. Victor stood up smiling,he walked towards me kissed my cheek and hugged me and wished me happy birthday when I came back to earth I hugged him back and thanked him so we all sat down they brought lots of drinks for us on the table, and snacks he had the d.j play a song for me I had so much fun everybody was happy and victor paid for everything. I went home with my friends and they kept telling that my boyfriend is nice and he is so handsome they started asking me about his friends if they were single it felt nice that they actually thought he was my boyfriend how do I tell them he was just my friend,if I tell them that I know them they will definitely want to get close to him so I kept smiling all through. I went back to my house in my bed I couldn't sleep I kept tossing just when I thought I could live without him, just when I thought my feelings where gone he came with this again how will I not want this man in my life. I went to sleep the next day I called him to thank him I visited him as well and we went back to being friends with benefit. As usual he had other girls he talked with,he had other girls he gave attention to my heart tore apart each time he spent on the phone with them,my desperate self would ave wanted to call all those girls and scare them away but that would be going too far with everything I did to make him just see me. He kept telling me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship then he told me why all his last relationship the girls he dated hurt him without looking back they were never faithful to him and only came to him when they needed help he told me how the last girl he dated and did everything for,even paid for her apartment hurt him without remorse. The day he was meant to see her, he drove 300miles to her house but she wasn't there he waited for her only for her to be dropped off by her ex boyfriend when she came in she lied to him that the guy was driving by when he saw her and decided to drop her he didn't argue so she went to bath dropping her phone in the room a message came in and he saw it her ex thanking her for the sex,told her how incredible the sex was. He told me how shock and painful the message was to him he opened it and saw that it wasn't the first time they have had sex he discovered too it wasn't even just him when she came out and saw him she didn't even feel bad or remorseful atleast she could have started with an apology and the popular defensive line when caught in the act "it's not really what you think" but she didn't say anything and just stood their he left her that day entered his car and cried he drove all the way back and said he was done with relationship for now he wasn't ready for one. I tried convincing him that I will be different that I will stay faithful and love him he asked me to give it time that lets just see how it goes. But that didn't go well with me I wasn't okay with it,that day I went out and I needed money my business was not giving me much and I needed money so I went to meet a man who had sex with me and paid me, that same day victor called me I went to his house we wanted to have sex but he stopped and asked me if I had sex with any one I couldn't lie I told him yes,we were friends with benefit but I remember telling him I was done with that life he asked me why I told him I needed the money the money was big he asked me if we used protection I told him no,vict victor withdrew he couldn't have sex with me he told me to get myself treated first and advised me like he always did he asked me to invest the money in business and stop going around with men. To do that I started spending more time in victors house from their to my business place, then go see my son,back to his house I wasn't giving him space his family usually visited him too and I always made food for them I started feeling like victors wife in my head,any other girl that visited him I always gave them attitude and would want to make them feel uncomfortable,once victor shouted at me to call me to order but it only made me angry I started acting out on him too he would call me to order again but I didn't stop I think I started making him feel uncomfortable but I didn't care since he wouldn't take me serious out of anger I left his house he tried calling me back to speak to me but I declined I didn't pay attention to him. I ignored him but after a while I started missing him and wanted him so I started calling him but this time he never picked I called him severally and he didn't pick nor returned my call, it started driving me crazy I was flooding his inbox with text messages he read them all but never replied. It was really hard on me I started feeling sad no one to talk to I needed him I would cry myself to sleep will wake up the next day was anxious for him to call me back each time my phone rings I rush to check if he was the one but it wasn't him, I hear I message beep rush to check but still not him I was going down I had to go to his house to see him then he told me we can't do this anymore no more friends with benefits it would be best if we didn't see each other again he advised me to live right and be well I fell on the ground begged him with tears dropping down my cheek I held him but he was calm and kept telling me to stop crying that I will be fine I cried out my eyes but victor didn't change his mind after I was all cried out he saw me off and wished me well and left I stood on the road for hours thinking about my life I didn't enter a cab I took a walk instead finally I have succeeded in driving victor away if only I didn't act desperate and try to take things slow,if I had taken things slow we might have ended up as a couple. I wasn't sure I would meet a man like victor again but if I ever did I would be sure to take it slow and not push the man away I know have seen life I have gone through a lot and am all cried out I can't let the pain I have experienced determine my life for me,I can't let what I have been through be the definition of how I live my life,I can't ignore my morals because of it. It took me weeks to get over victor but I was okay,I was living my life and I was done with my old life I only worked to better my life and only hoped for the best.