NOTHING

NOTHING

I always wondered what it felt like to have everything you ever wanted. What it felt like growing up in an environment where you were loved.

It was an environment where you were allowed to be a kid and do what other kids did. I never had that and maybe that's why I felt like there was something in me that was broken.

I had wanted that life too. I wanted to have a mom and dad that loved each other not ones that wanted to kill each other.

Was it fair?

Was it fair that I was put in that situation as a child? Sometimes I sat down and thought to myself and said maybe she didn't know.

She didn't know that any of those things were going to happen but that did not excuse her.

Was I being mean for blaming her for putting us in such a situation?

I know people said things like it's their first time being a mom or a parent but weren't parents supposed to protect their children?

She didn't and every waking day it was all I could think of. The things that I could have avoided if she had fallen in love with that man.

The man who abused us for years and she did nothing. Sometimes I wondered if she ever thought of him doing it.

Did it ever cross her mind that he was putting his hands on me?

I would be so scared at night. I was so scared of him and the things that he would do to me.

All I ever wanted was for him to go away. I just wanted to have a simple happy life with my mother but I guess you don't always get what you want

The older I got the more I understood the situation she was in but a part of me still wouldn't forgive her.

Why couldn't people just be contented with what they had? I sometimes looked at her and wondered where she had gone wrong.

Maybe my father was to blame. Maybe he ruined her for everyone else and from there she just met people who were not okay.

I could remember the days I was in school and was scared what if I went home and she wasn't there?

What if they got into a fight and he hurt her so much?

What I would give to go back in time and never be in that position is unmatchable.

Maybe that was the reason I grew up with so much anger in me. I felt like exploring sometimes.

It was too much and I couldn't control it and that was the worst part. No one cared how bad your childhood was because funny enough some people had parents who were in love with each other.

I stared at my mother as she smiled at me and I could feel the aching in my chest so strong that it physically hurt.

"Have you been eating you look so skinny ?", she asked as she came to hug me.

It was moments like those that I felt bad for being mean to her sometimes. She also didn't know what she was doing.

She had been a child when she had me and if anything we grew up together.

Maybe that was why I had so much anger because I didn't get the mum that I wanted. I had to teach her things like she was my age but maybe that's what made us stronger.

She was so sweet I don't see how someone could look at her and think about hurting her.

"I've just been so busy with work Mom ", I said as I took the plate of goods she had brought for me.

"So busy you can't even get to come see your mother ", she said and I could sense the hint of sadness in her voice as it dropped.

How could I tell her that no matter how much I loved her sometimes I felt like I was being suffocated when I was with her?

I didn't have an explanation for it all I knew was that all I ever wanted was to be alone.

"It's not like that ", I said trying to defend myself but she could read through all my bulshit.

"Your brother comes to see me all the time and I barely see you ", she said and there it was. Her shining in-armour kid takes the title of being the good kid.

"Am busy I don't have all the time in the world to do everything that I want ", I said as I pushed the plate of food away as my appetite got lost the moment my brother was brought up in the conversation.

"He's busy too but he finds time to come see me, am I not important to you? You don't even miss your mother it's been six months since I last saw you "', she said holding my hand.

"I also get worried about you. You don't tell me anything I just hear stuff from. your brother. Even if something bad happened to you I wouldn't even know until the last minute ", she said and the rage was rising in me.

If you asked me why I was angry I wouldn't know what to tell you exactly.

"Do you have to compare me to him every time?", I asked looking at her and I could see the sadness behind her eyes making me soften.

"Am not comparing you to him am just worried because I can't ask your brother how you're doing and you don't talk to me of course I'll ask that's what mothers do ", she said.

"If am not okay I will call you and tell you if I don't call you am doing okay ", I said as I stood up to leave.

"You're leaving so soon ?", she asked as she stood up.

"Yes I have some work to do down at the farm ", I said holding her hand and kissing it.

Okay mIpack you some food 'cause it seems you don't even cook ", she said and before I could say no she had already made her way to the kitchen.

"How'sthe girl you were with last doing ?", she asked as I followed her to the kitchen.

"We broke up ", I said picking up an apple. the tray of fruits that was set up in the kitchen.

"That's the fifth girl you brought home, she seemed charming why did you break up ?", she knew I was not going to answer that.

"She just wasn't the one ", I said and she got the memories to let it go.

"Okay well I know you don't like family dinners but we have one in a week and I hear your brother has a new girlfriend so please do come over ", she said handing me the bag of packed food.

"I'll try and see if I find time ",I said ready to leave.

"It was not a request, make sure you're here ", he said smiling as she left the kitchen I guess I was going to be at the family dinner.