Chapter 9 (warning: despair, suicidal thoughts)

"Alex of Clevwood, witch of the imperial court, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of Empress Zeyana Voklanden and on charges of treason."

They were the first words I heard once I opened my eyes: in front of me a series of soldiers were positioned with their weapons raised and hostile gazes, among them I also saw Keira Mellarc, but I was far too confused to react. A man grabbed me making me get out of bed, but Keira intervened, asking everyone to leave: "Can't you see she's hurt? What's the point of taking her to a cell, she can't do anything!"

"Protocols, Mellarc."

Keira was pulled away from me and the men took me back by the arms, locking my wrists with handcuffs and easily dragging me towards the dungeon of the palace. It was not only the fact that I had just recovered from the wounds suffered during the ritual, but also the memories that slowly resurfaced, that had been able to close my throat preventing me from speaking or moving: I was terrified by what had happened and by the awareness not only that I failed, but that I hurt Zeyana! She had stabbed herself... I remembered a lot of blood, too much, I hadn't done anything... how had they found us? What happened after I lost consciousness? The Eye was now destroyed... the storm..!

"What happened to Zeyana?! Tell me!"

"Shut up witch!"

"I want to see Zeyana! Take me to her, please! I have to see her!"

I rebelled but one of the soldiers lifted me off the ground, continuing the journey without ever stopping. My screams startled the building staff who had been watching me with a hostile gaze, as if I were a wild beast that was ready to pounce on them. Keira was not far from me, she did nothing to stop them, she didn't say anything!

"No! Leave me!"

When they reached the dungeon, they left me into the first cell they saw, but unlike what Clevwood's soldiers had done in the past, they didn't slam me hard against the stone floor. In fact, the man who was holding me delicately placed me on a cot, carefully removing the handcuffs and giving me a serious but not too cold look: "We are following the procedures and even if it seems unfair, you will have to wait for the investigation to end."

That night I cried and screamed, nonstop: no one had told me about Zeyana's health conditions and as far as I knew, she could be on the verge of death.

I was terribly afraid that the end had come for her because of my choices... because of my existence. She sacrificed herself for me! She gave me her blood without asking anything in return. She said she loved me...

No. It had to be a nightmare, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

"It can't be... a tragedy... even for her, who didn't do anything... it's my fault! I want to see her, I have to…! Keira! Keira please, I need you, where are you? I absolutely have to talk to you!" I continued to scream, ignoring the protests of the guards who controlled me, until as I wished, Keira arrived and immediately asked me to calm down. They didn't open the cell, but the woman grabbed my hands, bringing her face near the bars to be closer to me: "Alex what the hell happened? You risk decapitation for such a thing!"

"You don't believe me?" I asked desperately, starting to cry again: "I didn't want to hurt her. She didn't have to end up like this... I deserve this! I deserve to die!"

"Enough Alex!" Keira squeezed my hands in hers, staring straight into her eyes: "You have to tell me what happened. I know you didn't want to hurt Zeyana, but think about what other people saw. They saw their empress with a large cut on her abdomen, lying in a pool of blood, with you by her side and a dagger in your hands."

I tried to speak but I couldn't do it. My voice had escaped me. I lost focus and flashbacks of what happened made cry harder and hyperventilate.

"Alex look at me!"

I looked into Keira's eyes, seeking the stability I needed to be able to speak again. I told her everything I remembered, falling again in that black abyss of guilt, terror and despair.

"Keira believe me... it didn't have to end like this... I want to see her..."

"I know Alex, I know... you need to rest. I'll let you know when Zeyana wakes up…" Keira abandoned me again and as soon as she was away, I slammed my hands against the bars, screaming at the top of my lungs for them to release me and that I would destroy everything if they wouldn't listen to my demands. Then as the guards ordered me to back off and remain silent, I realized I no longer had my powers. The awareness made me collapse to the floor, my forehead hitting the corner of the bed that was in the cell: I hadn't bothered to dodge to avoid the damage; I just wanted to die.

My mind was sinking into the oblivion of despair.

Nature had completely abandoned me. No power meant no chance to bring my family back, to honor them…

I had just dishonored my loved ones, the witches of my generation! It had never happened before… the damage I had caused was so great that it plunged me into an abyss of delusion and madness, showing demons in the shadows mocking me and trying to grab me. I spent that night wide-eyed observing the small window of the cell, which showed a dark, almost menacing moon. I was shivering, even though something hot was dripping from my forehead. I no longer had a voice, only strangled notes to express moans and to chase away those beasts that wanted to eat me, devour my body and bury me underground, giving me to their masters as a sacrifice, indeed, a light meal... I was miserable, not enough for the throat of a darklord… those beasts with long teeth, blood red eyes, bat wings… did they exist? What was I thinking? Sure... they had to exist.

They had abandoned me… all of them… I was nothing more than a puppet thrown into a cell, yet again. My breathing was not a sign of my presence in the world: it could be an illusion. What if I'm blocked? I couldn't get up, I was fixed against the cold, dusty, stone floor. I couldn't get rid of that vicious cycle now! I tried, I failed miserably, I ended up captured, tortured, I freed myself, I despaired, then I tried again... and again, again!

I had heard it! I had heard of those realms inhabited by fire, by devils, in which horrendous nightmares were repeated for an infinite time; an eternity of suffering and decay of one's body and mind, until reaching the point of wishing for an excruciating death, just to put an end to that enormous abyss that swallowed up sinners, corrupt and dirty souls, failures of nature like me!

Was it my hell? Was it? Why couldn't anyone give me an answer?!

No... a guard... the boot was making noise... footsteps... who was it again? I had seen and talked to Keira, so could it not be a nightmare? A punishing round...

"Alex of Clevwood, get up. A woman testified for you. You are cleared of the charges of attempted murder and treason...for now at least."

I didn't answer, I didn't understand what was happening. Suddenly I realized that the light that was infiltrating from the grates was no longer lunar, but from the sun, warm, almost burning on my pale skin, no longer tanned like it used to be. The pallor similar to that of a corpse.

"Lift her up and carry her if she tries to escape again... it's obvious that she's unstable... don't mess it up!"

"Yes, sir."

Hands grabbed me and I thought it was time for me to walk through the door to the afterlife. Yes. That was right. Those demons had warned me, but I had wanted to silence them, plug my ears so as not to listen to those mangy cries, full of agony. What had they said? A woman... testified for me? No one had seen the ritual and I didn't know anyone but Fiamma… could she have saved me somehow? I knew her arts, at least I thought so. She wasn't my type, as a witch...was she? It was not true that I knew her after all, in fact I could only understand what I perceived of her and try to decipher her enigmatic words. She had always been like this, from the beginning.