Torn

I smiled and suddenly got excited when I received Lucian's text. That means he's in Manila? And he stayed at my condo!

Lucian is staying on one of the islands of the Philippines, it's in Camiguin. He has his own house there. He has stayed there for the past months since meeting Amanda.

I took a deep breath to erase the pain I suddenly felt. I gathered myself and took my bag.

Aside from Brandall, I let Lucian stay in my place. The difference is that Lucian has no access to my condominium. Even Lucian and Caiden are the most men I trusted; they haven't had the passcode on my unit.

I don't know why I gave it to Brandall so quickly.

I immediately replied to Lucian.

Me:

You're in Manila? Oh my gosh! I'll go to your unit!

I bit my lip and realized I was too excited to see him. How can I not? We haven't seen each other in a long time, and I miss him so much! I always miss him!

Lucian:

Where are you? I'll pick you up.

I smiled at his text. My heart was happy that it would see Lucian tonight. I typed in my reply to him.

Me:

You don't have to. I will go there by myself. See you :)

I took my bag and closed Brandall's condo. I received Lucian's text again.

Lucian:

See you! Be careful in driving :)

I couldn't help but be so eager to see him. I got another text again. I immediately swiped to open it, expecting that it was from Lucian.

Brand:

See you, honey. Take care.

I suddenly stopped walking when I received Brandall's message. Oh shit! I remembered that I had already given my word to Brandall.

Jeez! How could I forget?

Oh gosh! I forgot about Brandall because of Lucian. What will I do? I already told Brandall I would cook for him, but what about Lucian?

I know Lucian needs me right now, so he wants to see me. But Brandall is expecting me to wait for him and be with him.

Shit!

I was torn between the two.

I smiled bitterly. Why does this have to happen?

I am torn between the man I loved, Lucian, and the other man, Brandall, trying to make me forget about my love for Lucian.

Lucian is the man I love the most, who has never been able to love me more than a friend or a sister.

And Brandall, the man helping me now, forget my love for Lucian, so I will stop hurting.

But it's hard to choose between the two.

Even though I know I'm just using Brandall to forget Lucian, I still can't do it thoroughly. I just can't forget my love for Lucian just so easily. It is hard to ignore the feelings I nurtured for too long.

I typed a reply to Brandall; while doing so, my heart ached.

Me:

Brand, I had a sudden emergency, but I'm fine. Do not worry. I just have to go somewhere. I can't cook for you anymore. Please eat. I'm sorry. I'll just get back to you. I hope you understand.

Guilt creeps in my chest as I send my message to him.

My heart felt heavy. I am so guilty that I stood Brandall up just because Lucian asked me to see him. I am so torn because Brandall will never do this to me. He is always faithful to his word and never stood me up.

I bit my lip. I'm sorry, Brandall. I just hope you can understand why I need to do this. Lucian needs me, and I can't just let him alone.

With a heavy heart, I opened the car to get in and go to Lucian.

While on the way, I received a text from Brandall. I haven't finished reading yet, but I feel so unhappy.

Brand:

Take care.

I bit my lip to prevent the pain that starting to grow inside me. That's the only reply I got from him, but why am I hurt? He didn't call me with our endearment.

I know Brandall knows what emergency I'm talking about, so my heart hurts even more. Since we've started our secret affair, there's a time when I have to go to see Lucian because he needs someone to comfort him. Whenever I tell Brandall about it, I always say to him that I have an emergency, so he probably knows I am going to see Lucian tonight.

I take a long breath to somehow ease the tightening of my chest.

I'm sorry, Brandall, but Lucian needs me, and I need him too. Damn, I'm sorry.

I don't know why it hurt me to know that that was the only text I got from Brandall. I know he didn't like me going to see Lucian now because he was helping me forget about the feelings I had for Lucian.

Brandall and I agreed that he would help me forget my romantic feelings for Lucian. Still, I just can't ignore my feelings immediately.

I know I am not only doing this because Lucian asked me to see him. I want to see him, so I am going in his place. I have my choice to tell Lucian I can't, but I don't want to, even though Brandall will probably feel disappointed.

I held my breath. I know Brandall is fretting because I didn't commit to our plan tonight. I'll make up for what I did to you tonight, Brand. I promise.

I drove to Lucian's condo. I know that Lucian needs me now. And one more thing, it's also my fault why Lucian is hurting now.

Sympathizing with him in his sadness is the only way I know to make up for what I have done to the woman he loves.

It's my fault why Lucian's mood is suffering now. If I hadn't ruined him and Amanda, he wouldn't be suffering like this.

And I want to make up for Lucian, if only in this way.

On the way from his place, I couldn't help but think about the day I first had a strange feeling for Lucian.