A daydreaming cynic's search for unforgiveness

Hell. The only place tantamount to this young girl's despairingly morbid fantasies, the only place befitting the enemy of happiness that she so is. Because truly, Yuuya, the once normally functioning human, has come to shake in terror at the thought of eternal bliss. Smiling faces. Normal thoughts. Unclouded consciousnesses. Love. Those are dangerous things, and certainly not eternal, that's just impossible, the briefness of them is the very ingredient that makes them up! Besides, Yuuya Hibeki had long since decided she had no place in the world. Or, more accurately, that the world decided that she had no place in it. An unshakeable alienation that marked her from birth, and one that will continue to mark her until the punishing flames of Hell burn it away from her skin. The thought made her smile. If stalely curling the ends of your mouth counts as smiling. She was never too good at it, see, which really shouldn’t come as a surprise by now. After all, the only circumstances where Yuuya's curt lips were forced to lift, were during photo-shoots. Twice a year, essentially. Once for the yearbook, and once for the annual family gathering. She finds it almost comedic to look them through, not only because of her unchanging height compared to her quickly stretching cousins and tall relatives, but because of her decreasingly convincing smile with each one. When in despair, you can only laugh at despair. Now, back to the topic at hand – Hell. Upon realizing her desire to go there, Yuuya instinctively thought to herself that it would be her easiest quest yet. People struggle to be let into the pearly gates while they desperately hold on to anything that will keep them out of Hell's reach. Hell, she wouldn’t even need to become a bad person, she would simply have to keep on emptily living without neither good nor bad virtues in the same aimless way she does now. Even being an atheist is good (or rather, bad) enough, isn’t it? But as quickly as that thought had entered her mind, it dawned upon her that these were nothing more than silly speculations of mankind. If it were that easy to end up in Hell, God must've made a miscalculation somewhere. Because Hell did exist. There was nothing Yuuya Hibeki was surer about. And she was absolutely going there, whether it be by digging through the smouldering Earth or becoming Satan himself. Though, she'd prefer to avoid both. Yuuya is not an evil girl, see, at least not according to herself. Neither bad nor good (though most certainly not good), she simply is. And in her mind, one would have to earn their place in Hell, just as you would when going to Heaven. Atheism, homosexuality, lying, or lack of humanity were undoubtedly excuses coined by man for their own egoistic satiation. This revelation brought her no closer to her end goal, however… Just further away from it. But. There is one thing that would bring her to Hell. The very reason Hell exists is to punish the sinful, isn't it? And by that logic, all Yuuya would have to do in order to earn her place there, would be to become unforgivable. To do something unforgivable, to live in a way unforgivable, anything to deny her unforgivable self of all rights of a second chance! Yes, yes, that's it! Close the pearly gates shut, block them up, shake in distaste at this sinner of a girl, who deserves nothing but to be punished for eternities! To reach the unforgiveness from one's own mother, one would truly have to end up in Hell. Yuuya thought of her own mother. A grotesquely distorted image of her appears on the surface of her mind. Smiling a fool's smile. “Mom's worst nightmare would be to see herself for what she is, I bet,” Yuuya pondered. “If she wasn't so occupied with sucking off strangers and collecting debt, she would die from the sheer sight of herself. In other words, how I see her.” The usual string of maligning names subconsciously follows. Of course, before she became the world's greatest cynic, Yuuya tried futilely for many years to change her misguided mother's ways. Picking up where she left off now wouldn't change a thing. The solution to this, Yuuya realizes much to her disdain, would be to become just like her mother. Surely, if her daughter became a reflection of her own self, she would see just how worthless of a mommy she's been! Ah, what would be the worst, Yuuya now excitingly wonders, the horrible discovery of what a shitty human being she really is, or the motherly guilt of ruining your own child with your destructive ways? How awful! What despair! I raised an unforgivable child! Not only did she end up like me, but she did it out of pure ill will! Oh, my sweet daughter Yuuya, may you burn in the eternal depths of Hell! Etcetera, etcetera. The unlawful Yuuya felt satisfied with this plan. If it was for the sake of accomplishing her goal, she is willing to stoop down to her unsightly mother's level, if only for pretend. Besides, getting back at that old hag has been a goal of hers, too.