#43

MEDDIE’S POV

My mind remains blank. I just sit here in this wretched dank room, staring blankly at the TV screen. The nauseating scenes of my family’s death still playing in my head, like a broken record player.

My mother, brutally beaten to death.

My father, brutally beaten to death.

My brother, brutally beaten to death…

Where did it all start going wrong? The moment I met Damiano? Or the moment I tried to become a spy for Damiano? Making a bigger enemy, in the form of Nikolai… Or was the beginning of it all, the root of the problem? The moment I decided to visit a foreign country…

Why did my family have to suffer for my mistakes? Only if I wasn’t such a disobedient brat, only if I had just listened to Nikolai’s warning on that port that day, only if I never existed to begin with…

Why is the universe out to get me by all means? What have I done so wrong in this life, or past, that I have to suffer such grave consequences? Was my birth the biggest mistake? Maybe I shouldn’t have been born…

Only if I wasn’t born, my family would’ve been alive and well. They wouldn’t have to suffer such a horrifying death…

I should just kill myself. There’s no use in me staying alive now anyway. I have absolutely no one in this world. And if I stay alive, I will only cause troubles for my friends. To control me, Nikolai will definitely attack them next. My death will solve all the problems. I am the cause of everything bad that has ever happened to anyone who crossed paths with me.

My parents lived dreadful lives, they always had troubles with money, only if I wasn’t so unlucky for them, they could’ve had amazing lives. My brother often got scolded by dad, sometimes he even got slapped and shouted at. Because of me. My friends got kidnapped by Damiano, due to me. Stuti had to suffer so much, she had to go through so much physical, mental and emotional stress, just to keep my secret. I am so selfish. I made all my loved ones suffer, all because I was selfish.

Not anymore.

I’ll kill myself. My death will save all of them. They have such bright futures ahead of them. I can’t let that go to waste. That’s right. I’ll kill myself. That is the only solution now. That is the only way my friends can survive this now.

I’ll kill myself.

I start looking around the dark room, trying to find something sharp. I try to get up from the chair, but fall down the next second, my feet still attached with cuffs to the chair.

Desperate to kill myself, I start banging my wrists onto the concrete floor, in the hope that the cuffs binding them, will start cutting into my wrists, and as a result I will bleed to death.

I pray to God that I can kill myself. God has never listened to any of my prayers, I just hope, he can be merciful enough to let me die a horrible, slow death, where I can experience more pain than my family had to go through…

‘Just once, let me do something and finish it to the end. Don’t make me weak God. I beg you, just let me kill myself as painfully as possible…I don’t want to live in this cruel world. I don’t want to live a guilty life. I don’t want to live the rest of my life, knowing that I am the reason that my family is dead. Let me die, please!’

I continue banging my wrists on the floor, the cuffs starting to dig into my wrists, blood pouring out. I smile, seeing the dirty red of my blood, flowing out of my body onto the floor. And with renewed energy, I jam my wrists harder into the floor, giving myself as much pain as I can. I just want to die…

……….

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I slowly open my eyes, shutting them in an instant due to the brightest lights to have ever fallen upon my eyes. A moan of pain involuntarily escapes my lips. I try to touch my head, but am unable to do so because of the resistance I feel on my hands.

Looking down, I slowly open my eyes for a second time. The first thing I see is white, stark white bandages cover both my wrists, and over the white bandages I see cuffs around them. This must be the resistance I felt earlier.

Confused I look around, my eyes puzzled at seeing the hospital room. How am I fucking alive right now? The last thing I remember is trying to kill myself. Then how?

“You keep surprising me Meddie.” My head turns rapidly towards the voice of the biggest monster of my life.

I don’t dare speak right now. There’s no knowing what he will do.

“Cat got your tongue?” I still don’t say anything. Nikolai rages towards me, his angry eyes drilling holes in my head. I am scared. He already showed me what my defiance will make him do. I do not want to imagine what else he’s capable of doing…

I try to move away from him, but luck has never been on my side, so why would this moment be an exception? My hands as well as my feet are bound to the hospital bed, rendering me useless.

“You want to die, darling? Hmm? Tell me? Do you wish to die?” His rough hand reaches for my jaw, crushing it under his grip. “Answer me, or did the near-death experience make you mentally challenged as well?” He shakes my head harshly.

“Yes.” I whisper in a small voice.

“Yes, you want to die or yes you have become mentally inept?”

“Yes, I want to die.” I speak, not looking into his eyes.

“Fine. I’ll kill you but on a condition. Do you accept?”

After thinking for a moment, I reply, “w-what is the condition?”

“Tsk. Tsk. You either accept or deny. I’ll tell you the condition if you accept my offer.” He pauses. “So, tell me, do you accept?” He smirks cunningly.

“Time is money darling. Don’t waste mine. Tell me, yes or no?”

“I-I…I don’t k-know.” I mutter. I don’t know what to do. Yes, I want to die. But the way Nikolai stands here, self-satisfied, he won’t let me die in peace.

However, my answer annoys him, as his face changes from anger to fury. He spits out, “yes or no? Answer me, this FUCKING instant!” He shakes me, his grip tightening on my jaw by the second. “Tell me. Tell me Meddie. FUCKING TELL ME!!!” He shouts at the end.

Scared, I hesitantly say, “ye-yes.”

His face changes again. This time somehow happy with my response, “good choice Meddie.” He caresses my face with his dirty hands. I try to move my face away from his reach, but he’s quick to react. Gripping my neck this time around.

“Do you want to know what the condition is?” I nod once. “You will wish you never crossed paths with me ever… Anyway, so in return of me killing you, I will select one of your precious friends, and make them do my dirty work. Aren’t you happy? You will finally get to die. You will finally be free. Free from me, and Damiano. Aww, why do you look like that right now? Aren’t you happy darling?”

“No, please. I don’t want to die. I am sorry. Please don’t hurt them. I don’t want to die. I don’t want die. I DON’T WANT TO DIE! Please please please, I beg you, don’t hurt them. I will do anything, anything you want. I will be your slave for the rest of my life, please master, don’t hurt them. I don’t want to die…” I beg him, hoping he will show mercy. My cries echo in the empty room.

“Please-“ I start to beg again, but he interrupts me.

“You don’t want to die?” He mocks.

“Yes master, I don’t want to die. Please!”

“Are you sure? I won’t give you another chance. Imagine Meddie, you can be free from it all. Are you sure, you don’t want to die?”

“Yes master. I’m sure. I d-don’t want to die. I’ll do everything you say.” I reply hastily.

In a split second, Nikolai clenches his fist around my hair, making me look up at him, “if you try to throw another tantrum like this one, I won’t be so lenient. Do you get it, you useless suka.” He pulls on my hair further. (Bitch.)

“Y-yes master.” I respond in tears. Satisfied by my answer, he loosens his grip from my neck and hair, bringing his fist down onto my jaw. After that he leaves, while I continue just lying there, in immense pain all over my body, crying my eyes out.

I can hear him speaking to someone right outside the room, “don’t give her any pain medicines.” And then his footsteps walk away.

I can’t even die freely in this world…