Nothing to win

That following year, Sierra continued working at the dance club and made Falene aware of the contract. Falene was broadminded and was obviously not new to their circumstances so she permitted to let Sierra continue her job. Jennifer recovered from the grief of their lost mother and was doing pretty good in her life, she also started secretly dating her aunt's son; Marc. Although it wasn't quite a secret, everybody pretended that it was.

Sierra however, wasn't doing as good as she thought she would be. She felt the absolute disgust and guilt whenever she thought about what she had done in the past. And felt it even more whenever she thought about Jenny and what would happen if the truth reveals itself upon her. This constant feeling only stopped when she was sleeping, but it was only until then she started having this recurring nightmare where Jolene would choke her repeating the phrase "it's your turn now" and just when Sierra felt her soul is leaving the body, her nightmare would be over. Then she'd sit up on her bed, violently coughing and grasping for air for about good twenty minutes, It was happening almost everyday now. Her mental health was now starting to get worse and worse, she would go days without talking to anyone hiding in her messy room, Sierra also ended her contacts with everyone, even Adrien and Nalene. There were days when she'd lie down in her bed having zero motivation to even get up and brush her teeth.

Her aunt was noticing all this, and after a while, she decided to book an appointment with a therapist and let Sierra go alone so she would be more comfortable. In a first few sessions, Sierra told everything about her past (except the murder) and let the therapist; Hailey know about her current mental state. Hailey helped her and did the best she could, but there was no change in sight, not in the first month, not in the second month and not in the third month. However, Hailey did notice something in the third month, it wasn't only the depression that was driving her away, it was the hidden guilt that was eating her up. And it quite obviously showed in the simple conversation where Hailey would compliment her and Sierra would just simply deny that fact. It took a little long for Hailey to figure it out but nevertheless, she planned the conversation for their next session. which went like:

"Hello. I hope you feel good, angel" Hailey greeted.

"Uh, I will, only if you stop calling me that"

Sierra said hesitantly, followed by an awkward giggle.

"I didn't expect that reaction, people are flattered whenever they're called by names like these"

"Yeah, but everybody's flawed, nobody's an angel so they don't deserve it"

"But that doesn't change their perception of themselves, is there a reason why do you think so low about yourself"

"it's because I am flawed, just like everybody else"

"your flaws can be justified by your circumstances"

"no, they can't be, if you're a bad person, then you are a bad person" Sierra was now a little aggressive.

"so you don't believe that people change?"

"that doesn't change what they did was wrong"

"yes, but people do change. and the guilt of their past mistakes is a sign that they are changing. For instance, take your mother, you told me that she was being extra nice in her final days, that was her guilt that she was trying to make up for her past mistakes by being a good mother and finally taking care of you guys"

"I don't really think that was her guilt, I just think she was being nice by her own choice"

"No, that was her guilt, she was willing to be a good mother and was finally trying to turn her life, but poor soul left before she could even start"

It was now all coming to Sierra, is that the truth? is that what she was trying to do? if I just could've controlled my rage, my mom would be a stable person by now? At that moment Sierra couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down in tears, she revealed the truth to Hailey. Hailey was a little surprised, but not disappointed. At least there was some hope left for Sierra.

But the problem was, even after that Sierra didn't show any sign of healing or relief. Hailey waited for another three months but still no clue of recovery. It was then Hailey realized that Sierra's peace lied in punishment. So she planned the conversation for their next session.

This time Hailey did not greet Sierra as she used to in every session but instead, she waited till Sierra was settled in her chair, comfortably.

"what happened?" Sierra asked "you're not asking your go-to question?"

"No, I already know you're gonna lie" Hailey responded with a smile.

"well, thanks for giving a break to my sin register"

Hailey laughed, then continued.

"any news I should hear about?"

"not much, just letting the guilt eat me up"

"alright because I do have a news"

"I am all ears"

"I was doing my analysis on you and I realized that confession isn't enough for you, your peace is within the punishment"

"sorry, I don't think I follow very well here" Sierra asked with a clear confusion.

"I think you want to be declared as a sinner because in your mind, you're sabotaging everyone, and you aren't handling that well"

"I mean I can confess but I cannot do that to Jenny"

"but that's where your peace is"

"no, I can't, I can't tell that to Jenny. I think it will be a punishment for her instead of me"

"why do you think that?"

"because she thinks of me as an idol, she takes pride in knowing that I am her older sister, what will happen to her if she gets to know that I am not the "angel" she thought I was. what kind of person you think she'll grow up to be? like my mom? LIKE ME? I don't want her to become like any of us"

Sierra was now aggressively screaming in emotions, probably the most energetic Hailey has ever seen her. but she knew she had to stop otherwise Sierra might take a wrong step under pressure, because that just how fragile her mental health was at that point.

Hailey stood up from her chair and came over to Sierra, then said.

"Look, I just did an analysis, that doesn't mean you have to apply it. Think about it when you are calm and remember, this is not just about you, this is about everyone who is related to you, so don't just think about only yourself, think about everyone around you. Now go home and take deep breaths, don't let anxiety overrule you"

In Sierra's mind, that was the problem. It was about everyone and not just her. if it was just her, she would've already taken the step, but now she has to think a hundred times before even planning. It was like a tug of war with Sierra all alone on both ends, if she confesses her crimes and wins peace, there would be no one to celebrate the victory with her. But if she lets the guilt eat her for entire life and wins her close relations, is that even a "win"?

She was now fighting the war of her life all alone, where the both opponents had nothing to win.