More chaos

I would be lucky to find someone in this world willing to love me. To truly love me. The kind of unconditional love my mother has for me. And even then I wouldn't allow it. I do not wish for anyone to love me. I especially do not want anyone to fall in love with me.

I know I cannot love you back.

I'm too selfish and too lazy to love anyone. I don't care to put in the effort to make anyone happy.

I cannot even make myself happy.

My regrets eat up my heart and mind all the fucking time. I would be too worried about adding you to my list of regrets. I don't want to be haunted by more voices. I'd rather refuse you right off the bat.

You deserve better.

And I can never be better.

It's better for me to be alone. I do not care so much about others hurting me, but I'd rather not be in a position where I can hurt you back.

I don't wish for any more clashes.

I'd rather lock myself away where nobody can see me or hear from me.

The voices and memories are so overwhelming. I cannot escape from them for even a second. How could I possibly love someone in this state? I would only drag that person down into the depths of my own personal hell.

I don't want anyone there.

No one can know.

I don't want anyone to see the core of pathetic state. I especially don't want someone to try and help me.

Being vulnerable makes me hostile.

I will only hurt the person trying to help me. Don't bother reaching out for me. I will not reach back. Save your effort and your compassion for someone who deserves it. You can't help me.

You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.

I will bask in my isolation. No matter how miserable it makes me, I will never allow people to enter my life. As long as nobody else gets hurt, I will be okay. I cannot continue to do damage.

And that is my lifelong oath.

My will is weak, but in this I will always remain headstrong.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to laugh.

Just let me feel some release. My head feels so heavy. I hate my mind so much. I feel sleepy, but I can't get any rest. My mind refuses to let me be at ease. It wants me to suffer for my sins. I can't catch a break. I will forever be punishing myself. It's what I deserve.

I'm losing time.