I'm weak

I'm still struggling. I want to take the plunge and dive deep into the waters of a new life. A better life.

I desperately need to feel alive.

I need to feel I'm living a life worth living.

Most of time, it quite literally feels as if I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. All I need to do is let my body fall. Then there's no reason to be scared because I'm already headed in a new direction. One that I can't back out of! I need my life changes to feel like a freefall.

It's for my own health and happiness. Mind, body and soul!

Yet it feels so daunting.

Why can't I just do what I need to do to improve myself? Why am I so lazy? Why is this so difficult for me when millions of others can do it? When will this end for me?

I'm trapped inside my insecurities.

Why does the very concept of hard work deter me so much? I feel so worthless and inadequate. I feel like anything I attempt will fail. Not because of blocks coming from the world, but simply because my drive is so weak.

The minute things get hard, the minute I see complications; I know I will give up. I'm broken in this way.

I've made a habit out of giving up. I don't set myself to any expectation, whatsoever! My failures have become a safety net. I feel the need to retreat and hide inside my unfulfilling life. The thought of fully stepping out is horrifying.

It means laying myself bare. 

What kind of turbulence will I encounter if I decide to be bold?

Will I shatter?

How do others persevere? How do you stop holding yourself back? The job I work now is so hard for me. The work is not difficult, but I feel like my soul is dying more each day.

It's a job that I've deluded myself into thinking I'm trapped in.

Been trapped for almost 5 years!

It's going to kill my mind at this rate. It's a constant reminder of my failure to rise up and do better. I know I can do better, I just don't do it!

Why!? Why must I continue in this way?

I don't want to be weak and pathetic forever.