2

I return to my apartment when the bleeding has slowed down to a light flow. I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that. I am supposed to be supportive and in as much as I know this is all wrong, I love Masimba. He is the first man I have ever been in love with, Baba doesn't count I love him by default. I had private tutors, because my parents didn't want me to go out there and have my pure soul tainted by the evils of the world. Ha! Look at me now! In the arms of the last man on earth they would expect me to mess around with, their favorite Godly sent pastor wo plays cards with God and the angels as a passtime, who needs to be there whenever they purchase a new addition for their home because nothing that has not been touched by him is holy. His touch is all holier than thou, nothing could ever come close. He doesn't put me down to open the door, instead he keeps carrying me and opens the door with his other hand and then walks inside with me. I swear I can walk, and I have been telling him that since but he is not having it. He insists I have to rest.

I become aware of Tsitsi's presence as soon as I hear Masimba kick back the door closed . I am tempted to open my eyes, to see that angelic face once again but I keep still. I don't want her to see the tears in my eyes. The guilt and the selfhate.

I just killed yet another baby to inhabit my womb how can I be comfortable with that? How can he be comfortable with that? Maybe the first one made sense-it was a mistake. But now I am more of using abortion as a contraceptive and that does not make any sense whatsoever to me. And I have always wanted to keep the babies. I just can’t, but boy how I wish I could. Masimba is the father , he should be a mess like me for the love of everything holy.

''Is she okay?,''I hear Tsitsi's squeaky voice come from somewhere in the room. It is muffled, I am sure her mouth is full of food. I want to tell her that I am not, that I will never be but I keep up with the charade.

''And who are you?,''oh my, Masimba's voice sounds like he is ready to lunge at her. One more thing I have kept from him so far. I was supposed to be staying alone but that is all I have been doing all my life so I took it upon myself to bend the rules a bit and get a roommate. I had known he would find out soon enough so it was not like I was planning to keep it a secret forever.

''The roommate, I believe you are her father?,''Tsitsi says, with no sarcasm lining her voice. That makes my heart fall. She didn’t even hesitate. How have I never really seen that before? I can't get out of here fast enough. I stir a little and I am sure for once I steal Masimba's attention back because I feel his eyes on me. Like he just remembered the weight he is carrying he starts moving again till I feel him lowering me down and then I feel my body coming into contact with my soft, sweetsmelling bed. I sigh in contentment.

He hovers over me, exactly what he is looking for examining me like that I don't know. Does he expect me to be happy? I have been in love with him for a whole year, I swear he was my whole world until I got pregnant for the first time. With each baby he had me abort I felt myself distancing away from him even more. It was like the babies took something from me, the unformed bodies that I never let be. The humans I never gave a choice. But I was not given a choice either. Well, with the first one I didn’t want to keep the baby either but the second one…I wanted to keep that child. I wanted to know how it would be to have someone who is mine, simply mine.

I cannot stand to look into his eyes and wonder if that is how my babies' eyes would have looked like. I cannot stand the fact that the laughter never seems to drain out of him, it is always in him, even more. What would I expect from him? After all that he goes back home to his wife and children. I feel rather than hear him leave the room. As soon as he is out of the door I am on my feet.

I lock my door, hastily before he can figure out what I am doing. Then I walk over to my floor to ceiling mirror, something I secretly added in here. I am not supposed to look into the mirror, my mother says a woman cannot be vain like that.. I am supposed to just know that I belong to a higher being and be happy with that. Standing in front of the mirror, staring deep into the depths of my sad, sad eyes I start peeling off my clothing one by one. With each material that falls I feel more exposed, more bare. I continue till I am left gazing at my curves and edges. I don't linger, mechanically I fold my clothes before adding them to the hamper and walk to my en suite bathroom-one of the perks of staying in an expensive apartment, you don’t get to share bathrooms. In the bathroom I ignore the pains coming from my lower belly. I let the shower run. When I am sure it is making enough noise that carries I open my mouth and let out the scream. It comes from deep within me, ripples throughout my being till it breaks free. It doesn't take long for the tears to come and in a few seconds I am balled up on the floor, crying my heart out.

************

Sooner or later I have to go out there and face my nosy roommate. She has been pounding on my door since. I do understand her, we haven't even talked to each other and I am already holed up in my room, through a whole box of cigarettes already. I step down the window stool and check myself in the mirror. I cannot go out there with my legs and arms bare like this. I rummage through my things till I find a longsleeved dress and put it one. Now I feel better, not too exposed. I open my door and step into the living room. Tsitsi is eagerly waiting, her huge eyes watery like she is on the verge of crying. Maybe she is, her lower lip is sticking out in a stubborn expression. But what catches my eye is the way she is dressed. She is wearing the tiniest shorts ever and a teeshirt. She is barefoot too. She looks...free. Unlike me. This robe seems heavy and it is starting to feel heavy the more I contemplate dressing like Tsitsi. Would God punish me if I walk around with my legs exposed? Of course he will, remember what Mother told you.

''He made you food before he left,''she announces, folding her arms and throwing herself onto the couch. The couch was one of those things that I thought I would have to get rid of but seems like Tsitsi is going to use it so it stays. I settle myself on the floor. Yeah, I know there are no males here but I still am not worth to sit on high places. Tsitsi gives me a weird look before flipping to another chanel, ''I think you may need to wear something less...restricting?,''she raises an eyebrow at me but quickly goes back to the T. V. I don't tell her I am not supposed to wear anything that exposes my legs or arms so I keep my mouth shut. I am not supposed to have her as a roommate either. ''Just wanted to thank you for paying the bigger price of the rent, I really appreciate it. This is a fancy place after all, the view the floors, the...,''she stops herself, realizing she is about to rumble like no man's business''I mean..thanks,''she smiles. Oh my. Both sides of her cheeks indent into beautiful deep dimples. She is beautiful. I feel something stir inside me. What's wrong with me. I find myself nodding to her. She frowns.

''You talk, right?,''the question throws me off so I give her a blank stare'' I mean you talked to me earlier so I suppose the silent treatment is because I called your boyfriend your father?,''I see something shining in her mouth as she speaks.

''What is that?,''I ask, ignoring everything she has just said. I want to go back to my room but somehow talking to her, or listening to her talk is soothing.

''You boyfriend. I asked if he was you-,''

''No, I mean...in your mouth,''I point with a shaky finger. Yucks, I suck at being social. The only person I have ever talked to freely is Masimba and he makes me feel hurt when he is around and much more lonely.

''Oh, that's a tongue bar,''she frowns, perhaps convinced now that I am a nutcase. She must have liberal parents if she is allowed to pierce any part of her body, let alone her tongue. I am tempted to touch my tongue, to imagine what it would be like to have metal there but I don't want to freak her out. It will happen very soon though since she is stuck with me.''Will be back with the food Uncle Bae made,''she chirps, leaving me alone to my thoughts. Uncle bae?

I think of how I met Masimba. I was sixteen, going on seventeen. I was scouring the corridors of our very big house, feeling lonely as usual and trying to get down the high I had gotten from smoking pot. That is when I saw him from the playroom's window, coming out of his car. He was so beautiful in my eyes, he still is handsopme, but I just hate him. I quickly decided to go downstairs and investigate. There were rarely visitors at our place so it was such an event when we got one. When I got downstairs I saw Masimba sitting next to Father. He looked even better in person. I remember remaining rooted to where I was, contemplating on whether to approach or not. But his daughter, sitting next to him looking around my age discouraged me. I have always felt challenged around my peers, I turned on my heels to leave the room but Masimba had noticed me already. He asked me to join Baba and him. I hesitated, because I was both a child and a female child at that, I had no place among the men. But then I approached, his daughter was there too so...

''Earth to, roomy,''Tsitsi comes in with two plates balancing on one arm. I look up at her and again my heart skips a beat, dang those lips...

*******

The warm morning light is what wakes me. I switched off my alarm before bed, I am getting the hives. I don’t know what my first day among real people will be like and I am ready to bail. Actually I have decided I am not going to attend any classes today I just can’t. I am obviously going to stick out like a sore thumb, what with my long dresses and head-wraps. Oh my. My hand goes to my lower belly, I just feel a faint throbbing. Masimba’s doctor is good but still there is an emptiness inside my chest I cannot shake off. How have I survived without having a say over what happens to my own body for this long?

I remember how great it was when I first started going out with Masimba. He had invited me to an evening sermon at his place. My mother had been so thrilled that the pastor had taken a liking to me. You would think I had secured myself a seat in heaven. So I went to the sermon, Masimba came and picked me up. I hadn’t known that was the only sermon there was ever going to be. After that, he always came to pick me up for ‘sermons’ where we would joyride all night, eat chocolate from his palm, kiss and laugh. I groan out loud at the memory. Gullible, naïve Maqhawe!I am not sure how I feel about him now. I still love him, but is feels like it is tainted with hatred a little. Or maybe jealousy.

To know that after he leaves me he is going back to his home where a full life will be waiting for him and I will be stuck here with nothing but cigarettes and weed to give me fleeting peace. I open the door to the living room. It is bathed in bright morning light, the doors and curtains to the balcony are open.

A figure is sitting at the balcony, before an easel and painting the morning sky. The loud roomy whom I bet doesn't know what pain feels like. I am trying to figure out how to get to the kitchen which is across the living room without attracting her attention when she chirps. ‘’Hey, sleepy head. Right on time,’’

‘’Time for what?,’’compared to hers my voice sounds strangled, subdued and I simply sound sad and pathetic. I must be. She has a glow to her skin that I am sure comes from the happiness reflecting in her eyes. How can someone be that perfect when I am a whole mess?

‘’Breakfast. I am done here. What would you like?,’’she stands up and I get to have a full view of her painting. I find myself walking towards the balcony. It is beautiful. I realize half of the canvas was painted at night, showing the sky and earth meet at the horizon, the moon rising. The other side is what she painted this morning, the sun rising. Something about it pulls at my heart, the presentation of two different times and moods in one painting. I am speechless.

I feel like that is me on a canvas. Two different worlds, fighting for a place in one small human. Neither of them winning, neither of them getting what they want.

‘’I will hang it in your room,’’she says, starring at me with her dancing eyes. My attention shifts to her.

What does she think of me? Does she laugh at me in her mind? For being this pathetic?

‘’What?,’’’ my hand flies to my neck, a nervous gesture.

‘’I bet you like it, I will hang it in your room for you,’’ another contagious smile. I feel my throat constrict. I don’t know what to say and my thoughts are jumbled. I am thinking of how beautiful she is, inside out. And I am thinking of how soft her skin would feel under my palm. At the same time I am thinking of the painting hanging on my wall, being the first thing I would see in the morning and last thing I would see before bed. In a way I would be seeing her in the glow of the sun, the orange hue of the morning skies. So happy, free and colorful. And I will be seeing myself in the dark skies, with a lonely moon coming up, dark sad and lonely.

‘’Thank you,’’I whisper.

She hesitates, like she wants to say something else. I am getting uncomfortable, wondering if this is where we greet each other since we haven’t yet.

‘’Great then, I will do that after I serve you breakfast. You look ..beautiful in that baggy Ter’’she smiles. I feel myself blush and thank heavens for my extra melanin. ‘’It would help if you smiled a little though,’’she adds.

‘’What?,’’I gulp.

‘’I have never seen you smile,’’she whispers, biting her lower lip. I feel something stir inside me at that and for a second I forget that she has just accused me of being grumpy. Which is true. I don’t smile easily. I want to tell her that, but she bites her lip again and I have to look away. What is happening with me?

‘’You will soon,’’I say and go over to pick the broom because I need something to do not because I love cleaning. I am listening to the sounds of cooking coming from the kitchen when my phone rings from the other room. I hurry to pick the call. It is my mother.

‘’Hello?,’’ I breathe into the phone. I am having issues with my heart-rate these days. It goes right through the roof easily.

‘’Shalom sister,’’ my mother’s mechanical voice says from the other side and I realize I answered the call the wrong way. I squeeze my eyes shut. I wish I could talk to my mother normally, but no we are messengers of God we don’t just live. We live for Him.

‘’Shalom, blessed mother,’’ I whisper back.

‘’The Lord has been graceful and I have remained faithful. May he protect you as you enter a new life today,’’she sounds like she has been practising it all morning.

But I know better.

‘’Amen,’’I whisper. And that is it. That is how my mother wishes me a good first day in university. I sigh heavily and start spreading my bed. It doesn't take me long because I move like a robot, not thinking just doing. I am about done when Tsitsi enters without knocking, the painting in her hands, a phone pinned between her tilted head and raised shoulder.

‘’Mom! I don’t plan to mess around with college boys, but I will have a great day I promise,’’she laughs and looks at me questioningly. I’m confused for a few seconds then I realize she wants to know where she can hang the painting. I point to just above my dressing table. There I can stare at it before I fall asleep and as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. She goes over there, still on the phone. ‘’I love you too mama, you know you are my everything right?,’’she continues. She leans over my dresser to reach the wall and I get a glimpse of her skin on the small of her back the thoughts that fill my head in that second make me sigh heavily. I decide to leave the room. Her laughter rings behind me as I leave the room. I am jealous. She gets to laugh and joke with her mother. I get to speak like I am following a script to mine. In the kitchen I find two plates on the table. I lift the lid off one to reveal toast, sausages and an omelette. Then the juice besides the plate. I make cereal first and I am devouring it when she walks in.

‘’You don’t like what I made?’’ she asks, frowning for the first time ever. I take the last spoon of my cereal and go sit by the table.

‘’On the contrary, I do. I just happen to eat a lot,’I tell her, feeling light and happy. Food always makes me feel better.

‘’Food is your weakness I see,’’she smiles and sits down to eat too. We are helping each other with the dishes when there is a knock at the door. We exchange a look. Who could that be?

‘’I will get that,’’she says, leaving me to finish cleaning up. I am cleaning the island when I hear Masimba’s voice. I should have known. I walk into the living room and find him on a staring competition with Tsitsi. He doesn't like her because he had thought I wouldn’t be having a roommate. She doesn't like him because he gives off bad vibes. I hate it because I like them both, and if I am not imagining things, I like Tsitsi more than I should.

‘’Hey angel,’’he smiles, taking long strides towards me. I step back when he tries to kiss me, instinctively. I don’t know why I did that, I just don’t want the kiss. He dramatically clears his throat but I don’t move.

‘’These are for you,’’ he hands me daffodils. He knows I love them, he just doesn't know why. My late twin sister’s nickname was daffodil but him and I have never bared our souls to each other like that. I nod, my version of a smile, and take the flowers. He tries to kiss me again but I step back. I feel his grip on my elbow. He leans inwards, not to kiss me but say something. All the time I am aware of Tsitsi looking at us.

‘’Would your mother be happy to know that you have a roommate in the apartment?,’’he whispers. I get the threat, I understand the consequences that would come with him telling them.

‘’Would your wife be happy to know that you are having an affair with your most supportive church member’s eighteen year old daughter?,’’ I whisper back. His eyes flare and I see the emotion that flashes through his eyes, I swallow hard. I have never defied him like this and it scares me too.

‘’You and I need to talk,’’he whispers, then loudly he says ‘’get ready I am talking you to school,’’

‘’Okay,’’I hear Tsitsi say and I almost laugh.

‘’Not you,’’he says.

‘’Why not? I could use a free ride, ‘’she sing-songs and disappears into her room. I hastily place the flowers in a vase and escape into my room. I am naked and under the cold shower in seconds. I am enjoying the biting cold when I feel another presence in the room.I look up and find Masimba parting the shower curtain, lust filled in his eyes. I forgot to lock my door, oh God