3

The first day isn't as bad as I have been expecting. Except for the clear skies which know are always a bad sign. The day Daffodil died started with a beautiful sky like this, deceiving. For starters I like the place. It feels like everything I ever yearned from sitting on my bedroom window. Students speeding down the tarred roads in their cars with music blasting , ignoring the zebra crossings. First years moving around in packs with I.D hanging from their necks. I have since stuffed mine into my handbag. It scares me somehow. It feels like a noose I could tighten around my neck, and hang myself from the ceiling. This thought makes me shudder. So I keep my ID safely tucked away, even though I know it cannot be strong enough to kill me. Everyone seems happy to be away from the parents at last, and happy to be in a place where you can shape how people think of you. Here we are free from the truth of our families of our lives. You could start a new life, create a new image of yourself, feed into it with all you have and get away with it. That is the most interesting part.

I could do that for myself, I could create a different person here and now. I would get away with it, but my truth would always catch up to me somehow. There are things you just can’t fold away like sick and tuck into your handbag. There are things that would slowly shed themselves of the silk, fatten and grow into a python, expanding and expanding until they break out of the handbag. So I am stuck.

I managed to get rid of Masimba by telling him that I am still bleeding, not entirely a lie. I am still bleeding but it has toned down to a light spotting. I push away thoughts of yet another child I have gotten rid of in my life. First class, which is communication skills is taught by a tall beautiful woman. She has her hair plaited in neat cornrows that go to her back where the length is finished off my black braids. When she smiles the gap between her front teeth shows, making her face extra perfect. It is amazing really, that here is a person I did not know yesterday but has been there all along and now I know them.

I am marveling over her beauty when both chairs to my sides are taken by two girls who make a point of smiling before settling down. I should say I love college so far. Everyone seems to be immersed in their own business and no one, I mean no one is bothered about who is doing what next to them.

After introducing herself, the object of my admiration Miss Chipunza who has suggested we call her MaSibanda instead drops a bomb that could be the end of me in this class. We are supposed to introduce ourselves, stating what we like to do and why we came to law school. My heartbeat goes straight through the roof. Let me remind you this is my first time being among my peers in my whole life. And I am being asked to speak to all of them? With their eyes on me? My palms are sweaty and I am sure I am going to pass out.

"You don't have to come up front , just stand from where you are," MaSibanda adds. As if that makes anything better! The air in this room is suddenly still and too dry. I need some air. "Will start from here," I hear her voice in the back of my mind.

"You are alright ?," the girl to my right asks, scratching her head covered in green braids with her left hand which is completely tatted. She looks bored, like she has a better place to be and she is just asking because she is worried if whatever I am up to will disturb her from doodling in peace. I feel myself nod. I am far from alright, I am sure she can tell but if there is anything I have learnt and come to understand in this world is that I am all alone.

"You can try and make out what's inked into my skin, helps calm you down," I see a ghost smile play on her lips. I want to roll my eyes at her but instead find myself checking out her tats. Well, it's a job and a half on it's own but still I concentrate, trying to drown the voices of students who are so sure of themselves they speak English with a twang.

I do too.

But having private tutors all my life somehow took whatever self-confidence I ever possessed. I can't even speak to a crowd to save my life.

Before I can finish checking out Green hair's tats I realise I am supposed to go next. She stands up and introduces herself. She has a soft soothing voice that would have been beautiful if I wasn't about to face my worst enemy.

When it's my turn I find my body standing out of it's own volition. I will myself not to embarrass myself and my clan, trying to tell myself to breathe then I realise all eyes are on me. I look around and for real everyone is looking at me in that eager way of get down with it. My whole body is shaking, I am sure visibly. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

There is something about having more than a hundred pairs of eyes on you, probing, seeking. These are eyes that have never seen you before, or maybe they have but somehow them being on you, just you, makes you feel small. And I feel small. I feel like I have been squeezed and wrung into a small version of myself, there but not really there, seen but not really seen. It makes my head swim, all this attention. And my heartbeat goes right through the roof, my whole face hot, my whole being shaking. If the ground could open up, swallow me, and never ever spit me out.

Please.

MaSibanda smiles at me, obviously willing me to go on but I am tongue tied. I cannot do anything. I will the ground to open up and swallow me, long skirts and all but it doesn't budge.

"Let's take a five minute break shall we," she comes to my rescue. Instead of sinking into my chair along with my shame I remain rooted where I am rigid and shaking. There's disorderly noise as every student hurries for the door. This is what I feared. This is why I had decided to cancel. It is not like when I am sandwiched between my parents at church. No one ever asks me to speak. Green Hair doesn't budge, she's still doodling. "Come," MaSibanda says, her voice echoing in the almost empty room.

Surprisingly I find myself walking towards her till I am right in front of her. I know that scent. Little Black Dress mingled with Good Stuff. She and my mother could be good friends. She stares at me like she is checking out my face, like she is scared I might grow horns or whatever.

"You are okay?," she asks, her voice low and patient.

"I...," I am not sure what to say. If the relationship between my mother and I was good this is where I would call her and cry to her but I know the second she picks that call all I will get is "shalom sister" . I need a cigarette so bad.

Daffodil, why did you have to leave me in this world all alone?

"It's okay. You are in law school now and you have to be able to use your voice, that's what this class is about, can be scary being in such a competitive class but I assure you it will be fine," she tells me. I just nod at her. I don't think she understands. How hot my face is. How embarrassed I am of myself. I wanted to come here to do something for myself. To escape those empty walls I was raised in. To live as a human being and not a robot but still it seems like my old life still followed me here. Maybe I have to get rid of these long skirts, who will see me here. Masimba will, I remind myself. "I will need you to try and say something. Don't look at anyone, just says something. They forget about you the second you sit down trust me," somehow I trust her. So I nod and retreat back to my seat. I want to cry, badly, but there is no bathroom around here.

"It will be over before you know it," Green Hair tells me and I am blessed with a smile from her. After the students are called back I stand up again. I don't even try to breathe, I hurry through it like I am afraid I might change my mind.

"I am Maqhawe Nsingo, I like reading. I came to law school because I want to be able to play a role in making the world a better place," I sit down quickly. No one seems bothered by me or my stunt from earlier on. They quickly move to the girl next to me.

********

I need to beg my father for a car, I cannot stand public transport. Maybe I shouldn't have turned down Masimba's offer to come pick me up. He is suffocating me and I need to breathe. I didn't even call Tsitsi to ask her if she is leaving so we could go home together. I am confused about her. I keep seeing her brown dancing eyes in my mind. That beautiful smile and how she frowns when she is painting. I think its because I have never had a roommate before that's why I am so taken by her that I can't get her out of my mind.

It cannot mean more. It is a sin. My father would disown me and my mother would go with whatever he says. And I definitely cannot be in love with her can I? I mean I love Masimba even though we are going through a rough patch right now. Even though he is a married man, a voice in my head says and I almost scream. I am already committing a sin dating a married man but for once in my life he made me feel wanted,he makes me feel wanted. He listens to me and laughs at my dry jokes. He talks to me and he is everything I ever wanted my father to be. Does that sound twisted? I am not looking for a father in Masimba or am I?

Okay, to prove that I am not falling for a girl let me call Masimba and plan a date with him. His phone rings and rings and rings till it goes to voicemail. I remember I cannot call him whenever I feel like and hang up. He is going to kill me. What if he is with his wife? Yucks.

I jump off at my stop and walk to the tall apartment building. It looks lonely standing there like that. Like me. I know inside me there is a gap that needs to be filled. I am lonely. I don't have friends, I don't have cousins. All I have is a boyfriend I cannot even call because he is married. A boyfriend who has forced me to abort his pregnancies uncountable times. What am I looking for in him?

When I get to my room I soak myself in the tub while I smoke. Something about the smoke floating above me is beautiful. I wish I was like it. So light and free. But I can be,can't I. There's a knock at the door, I am not sure which door. I cover myself in the fluffy gown and pad to the living room. No sign of Tsitsi.

I open the door and find Masimba standing on the other side with my favorite daffodils. He looks even more attractive in a navy blue Armani suit. Really edible. But still I wear my poker face.

"I am here to apologize. For never asking how you feel. For being so insensitive when it comes to your feelings. I get scared sometimes and...," I shut him up with a kiss. Now don't fly off the handle and persecute me for this. The Masimba I fell in love with is right in front of me. The man who took me out to places I never imagined existed. The man who took my innocence under the moonlight because I had somehow blurted it out that it was my fantasy. He is here at last. In the flesh. And I also need to assure myself that I am not feeling things I am forbidden to feel for a woman. He may be married. My parents' favorite pastor but I love him, as stupid as that sounds.

I let him go and he is all smiles. He hands me my daffodils and I take them willingly. Maybe we can work this out. Maybe the deep loneliness I feel as soon as the flowers are in my hands is just my imagination.

"Heyyy, lovebirds," Tsitsi's voice comes from somewhere behind Masimba. I hope Masimba doesn't see it but I step back a little, trying to make it seem like I wasn't sucking face with him just this second. "Aww who's that dragon!,". I don't know what that means until I see the girl who just stepped out of the elevator. She is around my age her eyes are a raging fire and her ears are literally smoking. It's Nyasha.

Masimba's daughter.