Chapter 1

Life is hectic with three kids. I often find myself touched out and easily frustrated. I wouldn't change my life for anything, but I do think it's okay for me to feel how I feel. I am a stay at home mom, so it never ends.

There are no breaks.

My husband, Trenton works hard to provide for our family so I can stay home and raise our babies. I truly appreciate everything he does for us and I love him completely. Things have not always been cupcakes and rainbows for us. He's cheated, more than once. He worked away from home during that time. It's like we weren't married, just shared our one child at that time.

We've slowly worked through all of our issues and things are great. But being a stay at home parent is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know the years are short and they will not need me forever.  So, no matter how touched out or exhausted I am, I try to be the best mommy I can be.

We live far outside of town, deep in the country. We have no neighbors. It's just me and the children until Trenton gets home every evening. It's a little scary sometimes because of there is an emergency, we're so far out. We're surrounded by acres of woods. We have a long drive way, a few plants and a modest home.

We've lived here for 10 years. Only once have I ever been scared. My oldest child was 2 when she started screaming bloody murder by the window.

She said she saw a big man jump out of the tree on to the ground.

I looked outside but didn't see anyone or a trace of anyone.  It was getting dark out so I did NOT go investigate.

I've always been scared of the dark. Never knowing if a creature or murder was lurking. I never outgrew the lurking murder part. So, I avoid going out when it's dark out.

I chalked it up to her imagination but she was so terrified. I told Trenton of what happened telling him that he needs to tell her he took care of the scary man. Trenton then pales and he tells me a story of "creatures" that have rarely been spotted but supposedly live in the woods all over. I thought he was joking but he was dead ass serious. Apparently, his parents and grandparents have all saw the scary tall "creature". I don't know if I believe the story but my baby was scared of something.

I've never, never been scared to go outside during the day, until then.

Maybe it was Bigfoot?

It's been several years since that incident and nothing else has happened. We've had two more babies and life has continued on.

It's evening time and I make sure everything is done so when Trenton gets home he can eat, shower and get ready for bed. We never have time for just us to be a couple. Sex is very scarce. Not because we don't want to, we just never have the time. Two kids who co sleep and nurse. Parent life.

After everyone has gone to bed and I have the littles asleep, Trenton is also snoring. I let my mind drift. Half conscious, half not. I think back to him cheating. My mind makes up scenarios. What if I was to do that? No, I am not that type of person. Then, I start my nightly prayer before I go to sleep any further.

My dreams take me to times when Trenton and I were madly obsessed with making each other feel loved. When all we did was make love and show affection. Just reliving our glory days I guess.

The past few nights, my dreams have been invaded by another male. I feel like I'm cheating for even dreaming that way. I know I can't control my dreams but it feels like I'm cheating.

The man is not familiar. The way I feel when I look at him has my breathe hitching. I feel light headed. My body is reacting as if I'm a dog in heat. I subconsciously know it's not right to feel this way about another male, as I am married. But, I still look at the males eyes. Lord help me, he has honey brown eyes. He's looking at me like he wants to devour me. Oh...

I need to wake up. This isn't right. I'm married. Wake up, Bex's!

Finally, I wake up. I'm out of breathe and covered in sweat. What's worse, I'm aroused. All we do is look at each other in my dreams. How the fuck am I this wet from his eyes?

Oh, shit. What do I do now? Trenton is asleep and would probably wake the kids up if I tried to wake him up for us to sneak to another room. I also do not want to risk getting pregnant again. No, I am NOT getting pregnant again. Three is enough and I've been pregnant "metaphorically" for the past two years. So, I try to think of anything else to make me dry up.

I grab my cellphone and go to Facebook. Always something stupid on that thing.

I eventually calm down and try to go back to sleep.

Jokes on me though, baby number three just woke up to nurse. Once baby is back to sleep, I drift off to dreamland once again. Hopefully, dreams of me and Trenton visit me.

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