Chapter 6

My voice echoed around the room which made me increasingly anxious. I glanced up at father and he looked just as stunned as Lily looked when I had asked her that question earlier. I observed father with each glance I took but that blank look on his face was of no help in preparing me for what was going to come forth. Even when it has only been few seconds since I made that statement…yet each second passing by feels like an eternity.

Dead silence.

I can hear the wind pushing against the window and the leaves rustling. The noise was so clear in this deafening silence as if the leaves were rustling right next to my ears. Making the atmosphere of the room feel extremely uncomfortable. Both me and father still in our seats though father looked rather speechless whereas I was quiet while waiting for my fathers response. Usually I can pick up the queues around the room which helps me to understand the situation or the environment but at the moment, nothing was helping. I don't know if fathers reaction would be of being supportive or of which in strong disapproval. And for some reason, my brain is blank.

Just as I was about to say something to at least break the silence, I watch father put his pen aside along with the documents he was working on. "Irene." All of a sudden, I'm overthinking and my brain is thinking of the worst case scenarios. My anxiety is going out of the roof right this moment. Father looked dead serious which made me worried for myself, unknowingly becoming fearful. I have never seen my father show such an expression to me before. I have heard that father is ruthless to people who commit crime or try to betray the royal family but never in my six years of living have I witnessed my father give me such an abhorring look. He always looked at me with such love but right now it seemed almost the opposite but I know the reason behind that is because of what I said. He absolutely hates the idea of me becoming a Knight!

"You can't be a knight or train to be a knight!" Father said with a calm but chilling tone and I can tell he was trying to hold himself back from yelling. Though I knew what was possibly going to happen next…so I just gave into it. I want to know why, just why can I not be a knight and why do I need to be like every other princess. I hate this!

Without composing myself like my father did, I angrily questioned my father. "JUST WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE A KNIGHT?" I had genuinely caught my father off guard. He looked flabbergasted while I'm getting even more angry.

Now father has lost his composure too. "Irene, are you even listening to yourself? How can you come and tell me you want to be a knight?!" Father asked me furiously but still controlling his rage to not scare me.

"Yes father! I know what I'm talking about! I have thought it through for such a long time!" Just why can't it have been easy?

"You are a Princess and a Princess can't be a knight!" I was at no words. How can father say that? Just because of my title, I can't do something every other women can. How pathetic!

"Father…how can you be so close minded? Every other women can be a knight so why am I restricted?" I said while tears start to well up but I try my best to get myself together.

"Irene, it's not that I'm close minded but I can't have you train as a knight!" I could see that father was starting to feel terrible for yelling at me.

I can't handle this anymore! Father isn't even answering but instead he keeps expressing his objection. "Father, please listen to my reason behind it and answer my question! Why do you not want me to be a knight?" I quietly yelled at him while keeping the eye contact. I watch my father put his face in his hands with frustration. I felt guilty for making father feel that way but I need him to try to understand me.

"First give me your reasoning!" I could see that father was trying to compose himself and wanted to listen to what I had to say.

I slowly began to talk after composing myself too. "I want to be able to protect myself and my loved ones! I know you'll say there are multiple knights of high rank and good skills but I want to be able to rely on myself. I don't want to be helpless when I get in a similar incident like I did with mother and we both know the outcome of that…" I paused as I observed my fathers expression turn cold, almost bleak. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have mentioned that" I immediately apologized which brought father back to consciousness.

"Irene, I understand you feel that way but I will always protect you so please take this thought out of your mind and focus on your studies!"

"No! Father, you are not understanding me. And how can you say you'll protect me when you couldn't protect me and mother 6 months ago?" Again, my anger took the best of me and I ended up hurting father…but it's too late now. Father appeared heartbroken—practically lifeless.

"How-" Father struggled to say anything so I stand up because this argument was becoming intolerable. I can't handle this and if I stay here any longer, I will end up hurting father more.

"I'll take my leave then. Bye father!" I faintly smile with tears welling up in my eyes and start walking towards the door. As soon as my back turned towards father, my tears began to fall down my face slowly and when I got to the door, I stopped for a second to take a deep breath before opening the door. I waited for father to call for me so we could talk it out and compromise but I didn't hear one single word even when I opened the door to leave.

When I got out the room, I quickly glanced at the knights with my tear stained face and I could tell that they heard the yelling as they looked at me with a worried expression but I ignored them and started walking towards my library. My mind was filled with multiple thoughts and I was angry, sad and disappointed. I didn't expect father to react so harshly. But at the end, I was the one who hurt father by asking such thoughtless questions. Somewhere in my mind, I do resent my father for not finding mother quickly. He always told us that he'd protect us so I believed him but at the end he couldn't protect mother and she went through such an excruciating death. I know I can't blame father since it's not his fault…maybe this was the fate or even destiny that was planned out for our family by God but why?

I was walking through the hallway with my head in my thoughts, without paying attention that I almost bumped into the group of male knights in front of me. "Ah I'm sorry!" I quickly apologize and run away as the memories of that day start coming back. I don't know how I'll be able to get comfortable if these memories live in my head this freshly.

I arrive at the library and greet the female knights to which they greet back. "Welcome back, My lady!" They smiled at me but suddenly their expression changed. They looked worried for some reason but then I realized that I had just cried so my face probably looks like a mess. I just smile at them and about to open the library door but stopped midway.

"I have a question for you guys! I hope you don't mind." I asked with a smile.

"Yes, My lady?"

"Why did you become a knight? Do you like being a knight?" They looked surprised by the questions I asked but I ignored it and excitedly waited for them to answer.

"I wanted to be a knight to protect my loved ones and to serve for the empire. I like being a knight since I can fight and wield a sword without anyone questioning me thought it was hard in the beginning but if a person starts early on, they can build their skills quickly!" One of them answered to which the other one agreed with. "Yes that's the same for me too. I had started learning early on because of my father which is why my skills are more advanced from many of the other high ranking knights." She proudly said with a big smile on her face. I admired them.

"I wish I could learn as well!" With that statement, I made my way inside the library, leaving both of them utterly confused.

The library was my comfort place which is why I'm here right now. I don't want to read a book because I know my brain is just going to think about the argument I had with father. So I go straight to the staircase and make my way up to my small study room. I make myself comfortable on the couch where I could get the perfect view of outside from the window. I watch people come and leave the palace. Sometimes my eyes fell on the garden and sometimes I'll observe the people that walked in the palace. Wondering how father is feeling at the moment. Is he angry at me or upset? Disappointed? And slowly like that I watched the sun start to set as my eyes began to feel heavy. Without me even realizing, I was laying down on the couch and fell asleep.

Suddenly, I'm woken up. I slowly open my eyes as the frantic image of my father comes into my view. I notice that it's dark outside and the lights inside the library were all turnt on. I don't know why but father looked so relieved and scared at the same time.

Out of nowhere, I'm bombarded with questions. "Irene, how can you leave without saying anything? Why would you fall asleep here? Do you know how worried I was? Are you hungry?" He suddenly stopped as he took in my confused expression.

"I'm sorry, Irene. I should've been more understanding towards you. I know you've been through so much because of that day and I should've tried my best to find you and your mother quickly. There is no excuse for the actions I took but I want you to know that I did try my best though I failed miserably. I regret not going out by myself to search for you both but nothing can be done now. I'm sorry for making you lose hope in your father…for making you feel like I won't be able to protect you. I really did think I'd be able to protect you guys at any moment but I was wrong." I felt a ping of guilt inside my heart. I made father worried and made him feel worthless without even realizing. I didn't expect father to feel such amount of guilt. I didn't even consider fathers feeling.

"I'm sorry…for acting out like that and making you feel guilty when it wasn't even your fault." I apologized along with father. "But father I just want to learn so I can protect myself and my loved ones…nothing more than that. You already know I can't trust any male except for you and Isaiah so if I know how to fight and wield a sword, I'll be able to protect myself from anyone with indecent intentions."

"But Irene-"

"Please!" I interrupted my father because I knew he'll say the same thing again. I observe fathers expression and it looked as if he was considering it.

"I know how you are Irene. Once you commit yourself to something, you'll go till the ends of the world which is why I'm so worried for you to be a knight. Yes, you can train; I was never be against that because I want you to learn to protect yourself as well but it's the fact you go in deep with everything you do which makes me worried. It scares me to think about when a war breaks out and you wanting to go serve in the war but god forbid that will even happen because I'll be firmly against it. Anyways, I thought this through since you left the study room. This will be a great opportunity to be around men which I know will be hard for you in the beginning but just get used to being around them. I know your fear of men will always be instilled in you but getting used to it will at least help in the future. I'm agreeing to this request of yours but Irene please don't think of anything beyond training." I was glad to hear that father agreed and instantly hugged him when he finished talking. "Also don't go into hiding like this and end up falling asleep! I was so worried that something might have happened to you and I searched the whole palace trying to find you." Father worryingly lectured me which made me smile.

"I'm sorry, father! I'll let you know next time." We both pulled back from our hug.

"You must be hungry so let's go eat." Father helped me get up and fixed my dress. He took my hand in his hand as we made our way down the stairs and out the library. I'm so happy!