Chp.17: Hypocrisy

Night had slowly fallen over the capital. Darkness had enveloped everything and soon even the few remaining lights in the houses went out one by one, leaving everything completely in the dark.

Sarah was in the room she shared with Serengal at the inn where they stayed. Even though they technically had enough money to rent a house by now, the dragons had preferred to continue to stay in taverns and inns. According to them, it was better to conserve every resource as much as possible; and since money was technically the most important resource in human society, or at least one of the most important, they did not intend to waste even a single copper coin. Perhaps it was true that dragons were stingy and greedy…although Sarah thought it was probably more due to their experiences as survivalists.

Sarah was sitting in a chair by her window, with her arms propped on the sill and her head resting on her arms, staring out at the silent city. The air was warm enough, so she didn't risk getting sick, and indeed the breeze that came in through the window was almost pleasant. The woman was savoring the touch of the wind on her skin, almost as if it were giving her a massage.

Suddenly the handle creaked and the door opened, and Serengal entered the room. Sarah didn't even turn to look at her; she simply asked: "So, what did Rhaegal tell you?"

Serengal sat on the bed. "He talked to Darbi and apparently he and Haku failed to persuade Zamor"

Sarah narrowed her eyes slightly. "So… what are you going to do now? Kidnap his wife?"

The dragons had never mentioned it explicitly, but Sarah had gotten to know them well enough to figure out what their plans were. And in fact Serengal didn't deny it, but she said: "Not yet. Apparently Darbi managed to instill some doubt in that lizardman. After talking about it, he and Haku decided to wait a little longer and try some more attempts at persuasion before proceeding to blackmail"

Sarah internally sighed with relief. Even if the matter wasn't resolved yet, at least for a few more days that poor woman would be safe. "Why this sudden outburst of generosity?"

Serengal looked annoyed. "It's not generosity. Simply a commander who believes in what he's doing has more impact than one who acts only under pressure. Since we still have some time, we can try to convince him to help us voluntarily" she replied. "You, on the other hand, why this sudden hostility? I know you don't like our methods very much, but tonight you're more sour than usual"

Sarah tapped her fingers lightly on the windowsill. "Do you really need to ask?"

Serengal was silent for a moment, then she sighed. "Look, I can understand that you feel sorry for that lizardman, okay? I understand that. But what do you expect us to do? Help them? You know that's not possible. Should we give up on the plan we've been working on for a year, and just leave her alone and not use her to control her husband? This is either her or our brother, so..."

"Gods, you are incorrigible! You and your whole family are incorrigible!" Sarah exploded, turning abruptly towards her. "I'm not angry about this! I know very well that you can't do anything, and if a loved one of mine was in danger I too would do everything to help them. In a certain sense I'm already doing it, since you have kidnapped two of my dearest friends. If it were just that, then I'd feel sorry for that woman, but I wouldn't be mad at you. What infuriates me is that you don't care! You and your brother and that arrogant sister of yours never even spoke about her after you got what you needed! That's what makes me angry! I'm doing everything to save my friends, but at least I'm sorry for the suffering of others! You don't! You don't give a damn! That's why I hate you dragons!"

Serengal raised an eyebrow slightly. "Really? This is the reason why you hate us so much? I thought it was because we killed your master..."

"NO!" Sarah looked like she was about to tear her hair out in anger. "If it were just for that, I wouldn't hate you. I'd be angry, but I wouldn't hate you. I know you didn't have much choice at the time, and I know my master himself wanted that death. I can't hate you for protecting your family, or for giving my master what he desired. I hate you because you don't care! You never even said you were sorry, at least not sincerely! Because you don't care about the others! You don't care about anything but yourself! You killed my master and then forgot him, I bet you don't even remember his name! And now you're going to kidnap that poor lizardman and use her for your own purposes, and then you're going to throw her away like garbage! And you wonder why people think dragons are monsters? It's basically impossible for you to have any empathy for others, or even take an action beyond your family's benefit! You know what? I think you are physiologically incapable of have emotions!"

Serengal didn't seem much perturbed by the woman's outburst. "Physiologically incapable...?" she asked with a tone more curious than offended.

"Yes! You must have an allergy or something!" Sarah exclaimed. "You don't have feelings unless they're for your family! Everyone else is a bug in your eyes! You use them and squash them like they're worthless! Is it so hard for you to have any empathy? A regret for all the suffering that you cause? Or even a little remorse? No! For a whole year I stayed with you and never saw you worrying about all the lives you broke or ruined! Whenever something could be at to your advantage, you didn't hesitate to do it! That's the only thing that matters to you, advantages! You'd be capable of killing every single person in this city if it worked in your favor! You're nothing but monsters!"

Silence fell in the room. Sarah was breathing deeply from the effort, while Serengal was looking at her bored. "Are you done?"

Sarah's eyes flashed, but then she lowered her head as if she was defeated. "Ah, you're really the worst" she exclaimed, turning back to the window.

She expected the conversation to end there, but instead she heard the dragon's voice behind her: "Nogg Horzales"

Sarah froze when she heard her old master's name. "Oh, so you remember"

"Yes. When we met him, it was a warm day even though it was almost winter. It had rained a few days before and in fact the ground was muddy and full of puddles. He was wearing a green suit and a cloak with a...". Serengal continued for several minutes. She listed with extreme accuracy every detail of the man's face, the clothes he wore, his weapons, his possessions, his tone of voice and even his exact words. She told everything in minute detail. As she spoke, Sarah's heart grew heavier. In the end Serengal asked: "Did I remember correctly?"

The woman nodded. Serengal had listed a detail that even she couldn't remember. "How can you remember all of that?"

"I remember everything about every creature I've ever met... and often killed" Serengal answered. "Many of them died looking straight into my eyes and wriggling in the hope of escaping my grasp. And I remember the fear in their looks. Each time it was different... yet the same at the same time. That desperate attempt to escape, to hide, to get rid of the monster that is chasing you, and that lasts just a mere instant before you realize that it has already got you and that you have lost. It doesn't matter if it was a fairy, an ogre, a human, a deer, a bear, a lion, a wolf, a wild boar or even just a frog... the look was always that". Her eyebrows furrowed. "And before you ask, no, I don't feel sorry for any of them. I remember them, but I don't give importance to them. Because I know damn well that it was either me or them. Feeling bad about it would be silly, as well as extremely hypocritical"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Now you agree with your sister?" she asked, remembering that Corgorin had said something very similar.

"I'm just telling the truth. Corgorin may have been a little too direct, but she wasn't entirely wrong. You humans are truly hypocritical" Serengal replied. "You try to hide behind a mask of morality, because that makes you feel good, but in reality you are exactly like us. You don't care about that lizardman either, you just want to pretend you're better than us"

Sarah felt somewhat offended by those words. "That's not true! I care about..."

"Really? So what are you going to do?" Serengal asked without giving her time to finish the sentence.

Sarah was dumbfounded. "I... um... what?"

"If you really care about her, then I guess you've thought of a way to help her, haven't you? After all, you've been there at the window for a while. I assume you've hatched big plans to save her and her people, or at least that you tried, right?" Serengal asked in a somewhat teasing voice. "Or… wait, don't you tell me you were there the whole time just remembering what she said to you and feeling bad about it? Didn't you even think for a moment about how to help her?"

Sarah's cheeks turned red. "It's not... here... in short... how can I say..."

"I'll tell you how things will go: you'll feel bad for her for a few more days, and then you'll forget her. Because that's how you humans act" Serengal said as a rather disgusted expression painted on her face. "I too have observed you and your kind in this last year. Every time someone dies, or there is an orphan, or a crime has occurred, everyone is sad and sorry... but after just two or three days, nobody talks about it anymore. The only ones who remember what happened are the victims or their relatives, nothing more. No matter how big the tragedy is, you humans are only able to complain, but none of you really try to do anything. If you would really cared, then you wouldn't waste your time crying and feeling bad, but you would act. That, at least, is what we dragons would do. But you don't care either. You convince yourself that you care because otherwise you'd have to admit that you are just like us, but in reality you don't. If you really cared about that lizardman, I wouldn't have found you at that window complaining, but sitting on your desk making a plan to help her. But you won't do that, will you? You won't help her. You'll feel sorry for her for a while, and then you'll get on with your life and forget about her. Come on, tell me that I'm wrong"

Sarah tried, she tried hard: she opened her mouth wide and tried to scream at the dragon that what she was saying was false, but the words refused to come out of her throat. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get them out. It was as if her own conscience had grabbed them and was keeping them stuck in her mouth.

Serengal shook her head. "We dragons at least are sincere. We don't care about others, you say? Exactly, just like you don't. Even you humans would do anything to get what you want. The only thing holding you back is fear, but I stayed among you guys long enough to know that you wouldn't be afraid to go on such an adventure to help that lizardman. So, this brings us to the usual conclusion: you don't care about her, just like I don't care. The difference is that I say it openly, while you try to deceive even yourself". The dragon lay flat on the bed. "Now, if you really care about her and want to do something about it, then feel free to ask me for my advice. But if you don't want to do anything and you only plan to complain, then go find someone else, because I can't stand hypocrisy. And close that window, even if this body can't feel heat and cold, this wind bothers me"

Sarah tried to say something, but again the words died in her throat. She stood motionless looking at the dragon for several minutes, who in turn said nothing and only stared at her with a very reproachful look. In the end, Sarah got up and closed the window, and then lay down on the bed next to Serengal and closed her eyes. Although that night was warm and she was covering herself with rather thick blankets, she still felt very cold until she fell asleep.