Chp.16: It's hope that gives us strength

Haku's eyes seemed to fire. His claws dug into the floor with such force that deep grooves opened in it. "What do you mean by this?" he asked in a voice like the hiss of an irritated snake.

Misune blanched. He didn't expect Haku to react in such a hostile way. Perhaps he had touched a sore spot that he shouldn't have touched. "W-Well... here... see..."

"Speak. Say what you think" Haku growled as his claws continued to create cracks in the floor. They were almost half a meter long now.

Misune once again cursed her stupid tongue and her inability to think before speaking, but she couldn't hold back now, so she plucked up her courage and replied: "You said you don't want to die like a dragon. So that means you don't even want to live like a dragon. But what have you done so far to make that dream come true?"

"What did I do? What did I do!? I did EVERYTHING!" Haku almost screamed. "Do you have any idea how dragons normally live? They are born, fight for food and parental attention, are chased away when their mother's maternal instinct wears off, they separate and usually only one of them survives. This was my fate and that of my siblings, but I changed it! I made sure that all my brothers and sisters survived and stuck together! I spent half of my life doing nothing but think, calculating every possibility and every contingency, to make sure none of them get hurt! I gave up the chance to survive easier and more safely, to allow everyone else to live! Thanks to me, my family is still a family, and not a bunch of dragons divided of which most are dead and the few survivors have forgotten the faces and names of their siblings! That's what I did!"

Haku wasn't speaking out of boastfulness. Even though he knew that his siblings were still good at surviving on their own, no one could deny that it was thanks to him that many of them were still alive and especially if all of them were still united. He had been the one who had saved his sisters from starvation, while the others had simply excluded them, albeit with much regret. He was the one who had saved Rhaegal, while all the others just ran away. He was the one who had hatched the plan to kill their father. He was the one who designed the plan to reach the Thul Oasis. He was the one who had devised strategy after hunting strategy. He was the one who had started a war to get enough food. He was the one who killed the hydra. And the list could still be long. Without him, his brothers and sisters would have split long ago, and many of them would have already died. The survivors would grieve their loss, but over time their hearts would harden, and in the end they would become just like their parents: creatures moved only by instinct and fear, unable to feel the slightest emotion, uninterested in everything and by everyone. That was the fate of dragons, and Haku was able to change it for himself and his siblings. So how could Misune say that he was still behaving like a classic dragon, when he was doing the exact opposite?

Misune was getting more and more pale. Haku's angry expression was scary. Very soon her legs began to shake so violently that they could no longer support her weight, and she was forced to sit up to avoid tumbling to the floor. But even if her survival instincts were screaming at her to stop, this time she wasn't going to shut up. "Sure, you've done a lot for your siblings, a lot more than normal dragons do. But do normal dragons do that because they don't care, or because they don't get the chance?"

Those words seemed to confuse Haku a lot. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know what adventures... or traumatic episodes... you have had, sir, but I know that you are extremely intelligent" Misune replied. "And you're also cunning, strong, and very good at foreseeing different scenarios. You never act rashly. Are other dragons like this?"

Haku thought back to his siblings and shook his head. "Well... not really. They have other qualities, but intelligence is my exclusive gift... at least by dragon standards" he added, since even the dumbest of dragons could rival the smartest newcomers for mnemonic and calculating skills.

"So, you are intelligent. And this intelligence is what allowed you to protect your family?"

"To a large extent, yes. But I also got lucky"

"So you had luck and intelligence on your side. Now, here's my question: If you didn't have those two things, what would you have become?"

Haku was dumbfounded by that question. In truth, he had never thought about it. What would he have become without his intelligence? It was a difficult question to answer. His intelligence was a personal characteristic of him, something that was part of him. Trying to imagine himself without it was like imagining a stranger. It would have been like thinking of Darbi without his hot head, or Kotaru without her protective and supportive instincts.

He tried to try to imagine such a scenario. Without his intelligence what would he have done? Well, surely he couldn't have done many of the things he had done, like planning a trip to the Thul Oasis, causing a war, or making Sarpa a king. How much would this change his life? Probably for the worse, since he couldn't even have planned to kill his father… and therefore his father would have killed him, or Darbi, or Rhaegal, or maybe all three. What direction would he have chosen to take in that context? His sisters would still be hungry. Would he still help them? Probably yes, the choice to feed them hadn't been dictated by logic but by altruism. After all, his feelings for his siblings wouldn't have changed without his intelligence. But after his mother revealed what awaited him, would he continue? Haku remembered the terrible feeling of fear he had felt when that terrifying prospect had been placed before him, when he had discovered that the life that awaited him would be the search for a territory where he would have to live alone and isolated, or he would die. He'd stayed strong because he trusted his brain, and was convinced he'd find another way. Without his intelligence, would he have remained like this? Or would he give up, as Darbi almost did at that moment?

But even if he hadn't given up now, how long would he have gone on? Sooner or later, her mother would drive them out of her territory. Without his intelligence, he would have had no way to create a plan. Many of his siblings would likely have gone on their own, since it was only by working together prior to that time that they had created the strong bond that bound them together. Haku might have been able to keep some of them with him, but soon they would probably be gone: a wild beast, a group of ogres, a patrol of fairies... the scenarios were many, but sooner or later someone would surely die. Haku wanted to believe that he would hold out until the end, but he knew that in truth he would let it go. Seeing his siblings die or abandon them continuously would create too many wounds and eventually he would choose to abandon his pathetic dream and accept the lonely way of the dragons. He would have gone off on his own, avoiding everything and everyone. Over the years, he would eventually abandon feelings completely, having too painful a memory of them, and indulge in instincts and bestiality. He would have been exactly... like... "Like my parents" he finally answered. "I'd be like them"

"See? It was your intelligence that changed things. But this isn't a voluntary improvement, it's just your innate characteristic" Misune said. "You say that you don't want to act like a dragon, that you want to be better, but you're acting exactly like any dragon would since they aren't lucky enough to have your intelligence. Or do you think other dragons didn't have affections either, at least in a small part of their life?"

Haku thought back to his parents. When he had known them, they were nothing but cold-hearted monsters. But since all dragons were born in large litters, then surely they too must have had brothers and sisters. And since Haku remembered that during that first phase of their life there was already a bond between him and his siblings, even if not as strong as the one they had created later, then it was probable that his mother and father had also loved the their brothers and sisters when they were just born. But then, they had found themselves in a dead end street. Either they accepted the cruel laws of the world where they were born, or they died. And since they didn't have his intelligence, they had no way to change this fate. And so, in the end, they had become what they had become. Just as he would have become if it weren't for his brain...

"You're just a dragon who was lucky enough to be born with more intelligence than the others. But otherwise, you haven't made any improvements" Misune continued. "What is different about you compared to other dragons? You don't care about anyone else, except your family or friend over there. You are distrustful, ruthless and vengeful. You don't hesitate to use people and even eat them, and frighten everyone around you as if fear were the only means you know of relating to others. True, you have protected and held together your siblings... but this isn't perhaps what anyone would have what if he had your brain? If we don't consider this part, what is different about you compared to other dragons? What would you have done to be better?"

Haku didn't know what to answer. If it excluded his intelligence, what was different between him and the other dragons? The will to not give up? The desire to keep the family together? These were probably feelings many other dragons had experienced before discovering they couldn't accomplish any of these things. What had he done to make himself different, better?

"You aren't behaving any differently. Everything about you, your behavior, your lack of empathy and morality... are exactly the characteristics of the dragons that appear in stories and songs" Misune said. "So you can't say that you really followed your dream..."

"Misune. That's enough. Shut up" Haku hissed in a cold voice.

But Misune obviously didn't listen to him: "...and if you continue like this, you will be exactly a dragon who will die like a dragon!"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Haku roared, glaring at her with such furious eyes that for an instant the slave saw flames inside them.

Misune nearly fainted from fear. Maybe this time she had really crossed the line. She mentally prepared to say goodbye to her life, or at least to a hand. Or maybe Haku would just rip out her tongue to silence her. That prospect wasn't so bad, considering how much damage she did every time she opened her mouth.

But Haku didn't it. He stared at her for almost two minutes, so much so that Misune thought for a moment that he was spellbound. Then he turned his head and lay down again. His expression was strange, almost absent; if he was a human being, Misune would think he was… hurt?

It was the first time she had seen him like this; she was used to seeing Haku confident, impassive, almost as if his mind was on a completely different plane from that of ordinary mortals. It was rare to see him when he didn't know how to act, but to see him shot down was a practically unique case. Misune felt a strange feeling of pride at the thought that she was the only one in the whole arena who had managed to make the dragon express that emotion, but at the same time she felt terribly guilty, so much so that something seemed to seize her heart and squeeze it. It was as if someone was yelling into her ears: 'He has done so much for you, and you repay him by making him feel bad?'.

Finally, she steeled herself and touched the dragon's scales. Haku emitted a cry of annoyance at that touch and almost immediately moved away, glaring at her furious. Misune knew he hated being touched without permission, but still she didn't apologize. "Sir, I... I would like to tell you about my dream, since you told me yours"

Normally Haku would have reacted with a 'do you expect me to give a shit?', and judging by his look she was thinking that right now, but still he didn't stop her. Misune took this as a sign that she could speak. "When I was little, I... didn't exactly have dreams. My life was already premeditated: I would learn my mother's trade, and as soon as I did that I would start working myself, until I found a husband and had children, and would have finally died of old age beside a hearth while my grandchildren played with my white hair. But then... I learned that life doesn't always follow the pattern set". Her tone turned slightly nostalgic. "Unfortunately my parents weren't good at managing their finances and ended up getting so much in debt that they became slaves, and I followed them. After that day, for a while I had dreamed, hoped that things could change. I dreamed of regain my freedom, to be able to walk the streets again without a collar on or with no one checking that I didn't run away... but I soon realized that it was a pipe dream. I... lost hope. I gave up, that's it. I let life decide for me, and I let everything that happened around me pass before me without me doing anything. I just thought about... surviving"

Misune wrapped her knees in her arms and curled up almost into a fetal position. "If I had your intelligence, maybe I would have found a way to escape. But I didn't. I'm not smart, I'm not strong, and I don't even know how to use weapons. I'm just a slave. And because of this, I thought it was better to just accept who I was, and not even try to imagine a way to be different. And we both know where that choice has led me". The half-elf shivered slightly, but her eyes filled with determination. "But now I have a new dream. I want to stop surviving and live again. I want to get out of this place, I want to leave the bad memories behind, I want to start over. I know it won't be easy… and I know I will probably fail... but I don't care. I don't want to follow my old path anymore. I want... to change direction"

Haku huffed and rolled his eyes. "Are you trying to tell me that I should change direction too?" he asked in an almost amused tone. "Sometimes there isn't a choice, and it certainly doesn't exist for me or any other dragon. We have to act a certain way if we are to survive"

"I'm sure your parents felt the same way about their life choices too" Misune said back, and again Haku glared at her, but this time he scared her less. "There's always a choice, and if there isn't, then we can create it. I don't know what challenges you've faced, or will face… but if your path keeps spinning you in circles, then change direction is due"

Misune raised a hand and pointed to her head. "This one... isn't your only great gift. It's the one you know how to use best, but you have another equally powerful one. You can influence this one" she said pointing to his heart. "You can inspire both the greatest hope and the most abysmal terror in the minds of others, but you must learn to use it well. I do not say that you must give importance to everyone around you, for I know that in your view we are no rats... but perhaps, if you try to look at us differently, you might discover that we can be more than just pawns on your chessboard. And above all, you can avoid making us feel like that. Because that's what Zamor believes you see him, nothing more than a pawn. If you want him to change his mind, then you should try to give him hope, real hope, not control him with terror like you're trying to do. If you really want to be a dragon who doesn't die like a dragon... then you must try to be better"

Haku let her speak without interrupting her, and even if vaguely he still seemed to reflect on her words. Then he asked her: "Do you really believe there is another way for a dragon to live in this world?"

Misune shook her head. "I don't know. But I know that if you give up, you'll never find it. It's hope that gives us strength, that makes us fight. If we don't hope that things can be better, then why do we strive to live?"

Haku didn't answer. He just stared into space without saying a word. Misune in turn felt that enough had been said for that day, and so she finally shut up, leaving Haku to reflect in peace.