Chapter 17: Kotori’s Blade
The four of us make our way to the cafeteria led by an overly enthusiastic Kotori.
"Hurryyyy uppp, Yurika-chan!"
"Alright alright, I'm coming, you don't have ta pull my arm."
"Wait for me guys~"
"Hehe, Kyoko-chan you run like a penguin."
"Pfft…"
"Heyyy, what's that supposed to mean Kotori?! And don't try to hide your face while you laugh, Ri-chan!"
"You're a real handful, you know that, Kotori?"
"Eheheh, you know me."
"Akira-kun do you think I run like a penguin too?"
"Well… No comment on that."
"No wayyyyyy…"
"Don't worry Kyoko-chan, we still love you regardless. Right, Yurika-chan?"
"Mhm. Even if Kyo-chan was a penguin I'd still l-lo… love her…
"Ri-chan… Oh well, I guess it can't be helped then, hehe~"
As we're happily chatting, I notice the two girls that were with Ryuji yesterday sneaking glances at Kotori.
"Hehehe."
The other three don't seem to notice, but the two of them begin snickering the moment we pass by them. They seemed so upset yesterday that Kotori wasn't hanging out with them anymore and now they're laughing behind her back? That's one hell of an attitude switch if I've ever seen one. Maybe it's just that time of the month for them.
"Heyyyy, whatcha daydreaming about over there, Fuyuki-kun?"
Kotori calls out to me whilst poking my cheek, snapping me out of my train of thought.
"What's up, Kotori?"
"Ahaha, you tell me. You were like, totally zoned out there for a minute, you know?"
"Ah, I'm fine. Let's hurry," not wanting her to notice the two girls, I pick up my pace and quickly walk ahead, "You wanted something from the cafeteria didn't you?"
"Yup! Alright, Melon Bread here I come," Kotori happily cheers, taking Yamaguchi and Kyoko's hands before running after me.
******
Once we arrive at the cafeteria Kotori runs off to get her bread whilst we go to secure our usual seats.
"…"
"…"
"You've got to be kidding me," Yamaguchi remarks with clear hostility in her tone.
When we spot our typical table which no one usually sits at, keep in mind, we see Ryuji and a group of about eight other students sitting there chatting. "Heh," Ryuji smirks devilishly upon noticing us before going back to talking with his friends.
"That fuckin' assholes' gotta be doing this on purpose…"
"Yeah, I doubt he coincidentally decided to sit there today of all days," I chime in, agreeing with Yamaguchi's assessment.
"Now now Ri-chan, Akira-kun, there's no need to get upset. It's just a table after all. We can always find another one, alright?" Kyoko says, gently grabbing our hands and smiling at us.
It's hard to be upset when she makes a face like that. It feels like all of my frustration and annoyance simply dissipate the moment she smiles at me. A smile with so much power has gotta be illegal. And I doubt I'm the only one that feels that way…
"Ugh, it's not fair when you make a face like that, Kyo-chan… You know I can't stay mad."
"You're just too weak to Kyoko's smile, Yamaguchi."
Not that I'm any better...
"Fufu, thanks Ri-chan~"
"… Hmph, l-let's just go find a different table already," Yamaguchi says as she quickly walks away, unable to hide her bright red face.
******
I suggested we sit by the vending machines so Kotori would be able to easily spot us. However, the real reason was that I wanted to sit as far away from Ryuji and his group as possible. I didn't want to give them a chance to potentially bother Kotori while we were eating. And to be honest, I don't really want to deal with antics either. You'd think he would've stopped after we made it clear we have no intention of letting him bully Kotori, but he's being annoyingly persistent.
"Sorry for the wait guys! Look at this, they had so much good bread today," Kotori excitedly announces as she puts the abundance of bread she got on the table, "Wait, why're we sitting here today?"
"Akira-kun said it would be easier for you to find us if we sat here."
"Ohhhh, that totally makes sense! I spotted ya right away after all. Hehe, you're a pretty smart guy, Fuyuki-kun."
"You know me," I reply nonchalantly, throwing her own words back at her.
"Yer giving him too much credit Kotori. This guy's actually a 'Grade-A' idiot who stays up late before a test."
"Then you must be a 'Grade-A+' idiot since you don't even study for tests and have to rely on someone's notes to save your ass."
"Hah?! What was that you punk!"
"You heard me loud and clear!"
Yamaguchi and I both stand up, staring each other down. You can practically see the sparks flying out from our foreheads as we stare each other down.
"They sure do get along well huh, Kyoko-chan?"
"Yup, they're practically best friends~"
"Like hell we are!"
"Like hell we are!"
******
"Hey so like, there's this cat cafe I've been wanting to go to. I heard their sweets are totes delicious and the cats there are superrr adorbs."
"Ohhh, that sounds like fun! We should definitely go together, Kotori-chan!"
"…super cute cats."
"What's wrong Yurika-chan? You don't like cats?"
"Huh? O-oh no… they're alright, I guess…"
"Hm? Ri-chan, didn't you tell me you love cats and you wish you could have one at home?"
"Ahhh, Kyo-chan don't say it!"
"Ahaha, so that's what it is. Yurika-chan can be so cute sometimes."
"Right! Ri-chan has such a cute side, hehe~"
"Ugh… I've never been so humiliated in my entire life…"
Watching the three girls happily chatting, I can't help but smile a bit. Closing my eyes, I begin to reflect on the past few weeks.
I decided to talk to you on a whim. You were crying there alone, but it wasn't my concern so I didn't say much. When we spoke again I noticed something peculiar about the way you acted and the things you said. I couldn't place my finger on what it was, but I felt empathy for you. Sorry, that was a lie. I actually knew what it was. I didn't want to acknowledge it because it reminded me of my own failures. You were struggling with something that had plagued and held me down for a long time. Something that I couldn't overcome and in turn ran away from. Seeing you like that… It made me want to help you. I didn't want you to keep suffering. I didn't want you to carry that burden any longer. Ever since you started hanging out with us you've slowly but surely changed. You've been able to be yourself and you've been able to genuinely smile alongside us. At least… that's what I want to believe. I have to thank Yamaguchi and Kyoko for everything they've done. They're the ones that really helped you. I doubt you would've come this far if it wasn't for those two. Although, I'm sure they don't need my thanks nor would they want it. They'd probably say they didn't do anything special or that they talked to you because they genuinely like you. Truly, I'm grateful to them for that. I'm grateful they could be the ones to guide you away from that self-destructive path. There were some hardships along the way. The four of us didn't start off on the best foot and we've seen many different sides of you since we first met. But seeing you laughing alongside them, with a smile as bright as the sun... It really does make everything all feel worth it in the end.
Hey Kotori. Were you able to validate yourself? Are you still afraid to be disliked by others? Did we manage to become 'real' friends for you? Can you say that you truly love who you are now? Have you become strong enough to stand on your own two feet? Was I… able to help you, even a little? I can't say for sure. But, what I can say is… As long as we're by your side, we won't let you suffer anymore. And as long as we're together, I'm sure you'll be able to overcome any hardship that comes your way.
I'm sure you'll be able to grow and become a version of yourself that doesn't need anyone's approval. Until then, I hope we can all keep laughing together.
It hasn't been very long, but it seems like my job has finally come to an end. Perhaps it's a bit late to say this, but I'm also quite fond of you Kotori. And I can't wait to see what fun times are in store for the four of us.
******
KOTORI MIYAZAKI
The school day has just come to an end. Kyoko-chan said she had student council stuff to go to today, so we agreed to check out the cat cafe together tomorrow.
"Hehe, I can't wait."
I can't remember the last time I was so excited to go somewhere with my friends. Now that I think about it… isn't this the first time? …well, either way, I'm really looking forward to hanging out with them tomorrow.
As I approach the school gates, I notice an unpleasantly familiar face.
"Ryuji-senpai…" I mutter under my breath.
He's leaning against the gate with his eyes closed. It looks like he's waiting for someone. I try to quickly make my way past him without being noticed. However…
"And where are you heading to in such a rush?"
I'm stopped dead in my tracks as he immediately calls out to me the moment I'm about to pass by him.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm going home of course."
"I need to talk with you for a second. Come with me."
He needs to talk to me? No no no, this has to be some kind of setup. I totally cannot trust this guy. What should I do? Call for help? Run away?
Wracking my brain a mile a minute, I desperately try to think of a way to avoid having to go with him.
"Relax, I'm not going to do anything. I just want to talk."
"…You want to talk?"
"That's right, just talk. C'mon, just humor me one last time for old-time sake, yeah?"
I really don't wanna go with him, but if I call them for help I'll only cause trouble for them... I can't always rely on them. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet and stick up for myself. Alright Kotori, be strong and don't show him any weakness! You got this!
"Fine, I'll hear you out. But I'd appreciate it if you tried to make it quick. I have to get home early today."
"Heh, I see you've at least learned to talk back now. Follow me, there are too many people around here."
I reluctantly follow him until we get to a secluded part of the school by the athletics field.
"Alright, this should be good," he says, stopping to look around and assess the area.
"So… what did you want?"
"Now now, no need to be so hasty."
"I thought I told you that I have to get home. Hurry up and tell me what you want to say, otherwise, I'm leaving."
"Hahaha, you've really got a mouth on you now huh? Did you get that from Yamaguchi?"
"Yurika-chan has nothing to do with anything."
"Ah, I see. Then let me ask you. Is this your real personality or is it just another one of your masks?"
(Crack)
I feel a part of my brave front begin to crack.
"…"
Masks?
How does he…
"W-what are you even saying? M-mask? Real personality? I'm just treating you how you deserve to be treated. T-that's all there is to it."
This isn't good.
My voice is shaking.
Get yourself together Kotori!
No one knows about that, absolutely no one.
It's just a coincidence. It has to be.
"Playing dumb are we?" Ryuji smirks, pompously crossing his arms.
(Crack)
Another piece breaks.
"L-like I said, I have no clue what you're tal—"
"It must've been tough for you. Always being alone in elementary school that is."
(Crack)
Another piece breaks.
"…"
I feel my eyes widen in shock as the color begins to drain from my face. "Haha… W-what are you on about over there? Elementary school? We didn't even know each other back then. B-besides, I had lots of friends…"
"Heh, You get it already don't you? What's the point in still playing dumb?"
(You probably left it at home.)
Yeah, that's right, I left it at home.
I definitely left it at home.
So there's no way…
But then how?
How does he know that?
Is he just making stuff up?
He has to be…
Yeah, of course, he's that kind of person.
He's lying!
He's definitely just trying to scare me.
Keep your cool Kotori.
Taking a deep breath, I re-compose myself and speak clearly. "I don't have to listen to this anymore. If you'll excuse me," with those words I walk past him with my head high and chest puffed out.
"Page 26, paragraph 3, sentence number 4."
(Crack)
Another piece breaks.
My whole body flinches hearing his words. I stop walking and place my hand on my chest as if to check if my heart is still beating. I feel a pit in my stomach as I'm forced to accept the realization I desperately denied. "Huff huff," my breaths become more rugged as the feeling of despair sinks in.
"Ahem."
No, don't say it… please anything but that…
"Why? Why does _____ hate me so much? Is it my fault? Is it because I'm different from everyone else? Tell me, please! What do I have to do to make you love me?"
(CRACK)
The brave face I tried so hard to keep up shatters to pieces.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP! PLEASE STOP!"
The strength in my legs dissipates and I fall to my knees pleading to make it stop.
"Ahahahaha, this is such an interesting diary. I almost feel sorry for you after reading it. You sure have been through a lot huh? It's no wonder you're like that."
"Please…stop. Please…*hic* stop…"
Tears begin to pour down my face as I beg him to stop. His words pierce my heart like a dagger as they make me remember. A harsh reminder of the reason why I put on a mask in the first place. The reason I became a 'Fake'.
"I wonder what would happen if your friends found out what was in this little diary? Tell me 'Fake', do you think they'd still be friends with you even after finding out what you've been hiding from them?"
I feel my face twist into a grimace of utter despair as I imagine the possibility of them finding out.
"N-no… anything but that…"
"I guess that's a no then, hahaha."
"P-please I-I'll do anything… just don't tell them,"
With no strength in my legs, I crawl across the dirty ground towards Ryuji, face painted in tears as I beg, "please don't… tell them."
It doesn't matter what, I'll do it. I don't want them to find out. No matter what they can't find out. Because… if they do, they'll definitely be disappointed in me…They'll feel disgusted by me... They won't want to have anything to do with me... There's no doubt that they'll toss me aside... Just like everyone else did back then…
And I…
I can't bare the thought of that.
I grab onto his leg, repeating the same thing over and over again, "Please…don't tell…them," I can't even properly speak anymore due to my own sniffling.
"Ugh, get your filthy hands off me bitch!"
"Ouch!" I'm kicked to the ground.
I try to get up, only to end up on my hands and knees. I clench my fist, scooping up some dirt in the process as I continue to beg with teary eyes.
God, I'm so pathetic.
I'm doing all of this because I'm a coward.
A coward who's afraid to be hated.
Afraid of being hurt.
I haven't changed at all…
"You'll do anything huh? Well, you're in luck. I'm feeling generous today so I'll keep the contents of this diary a secret and give it back to you under one condition."
"I'll do anything!" I respond instantaneously. Quickly wiping my tears away, I look up at him still on my knees.
"Very well, the condition is very simple. All you have to do is cut off those three friends of yours and become my pawn for the rest of the year. If you can do that I'll be happy to give this back to you. Haha, no need to thank me for my generosity."
"…"
Cut them off?
Become a pawn?
Is this guy serious?
He can't actually expect me to agree to that.
"So what's your answer? I'll give you five seconds to decide before I change my mind. Starting…now."
"Five."
"Wait, can't you give me a different condition?!"
"Four."
"Hold on, please! I'll become your pawn, but please let me keep hanging out with them. They're… They're the most important people to me! I want to stay with them!"
"Three."
He isn't even listening to what I'm saying… Why…
Why is this happening to me when I finally made real friends? Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad girl? Was it because I pretended to be someone I wasn't? Is it because I hid things from those three? If so, I'm sorry! I just…couldn't bring myself to tell them… Hey, someone…anyone please tell me why… Why does the world hate me so much? Am I… Am I not allowed to be happy? Is that what it is huh?!
"Two."
It's over…
Fuyuki-kun.
Yurika-chan.
Kyoko-chan.
"One. Now, what's your answer?"
"I…"
I'm sorry guys.
*******
AKIRA FUYUKI
(Yawn)
"New day, same morning lethargy huh?"
I make my way up to the third floor where another boring day of classes awaits me.
"I can't believe I let them talk me into going to a cat cafe… I'll have to find an excuse to get out of going."
"Morning," I direct a greeting at no one in particular as I walk into the classroom.
I make over to Kyoko and Yamaguchi to greet them and discuss our plans for after-school. Aka me trying to talk my way out of going with them.
"Morning Kyoko. Morning Yamaguchi."
"…"
"…"
Huh? That's strange. Usually, Kyoko would energetically greet me and Yamaguchi would find some way to direct an insult at me.
To my surprise, the two of them have their heads down on the desk. There's an extremely dismal vibe surrounding the two of them. I've never seen them looking this depressed before.
"Ah…"
"Ah…"
The two girls both sluggishly lift their heads in unison as they finally notice me standing there.
"Yo, what's up with you guys?"
(Sniff Sniff)
"Akira-kun… Waaaaaaaah," Kyoko jumps into my arms and starts hysterically crying into my chest.
"Woah! Kyoko, what's wrong? What happened?"
"T-this morning *sniff* and then *sniff*. W-why? Was it my fault? I-if it was I'm sowwy… Waaaaahhhh."
Kyoko incoherently tries to explain to me what happened, but I can't make out a thing she's saying amidst her muffled sobbing.
"Yamaguchi. Who made Kyoko cry…," I turn to her and ask in a stern voice, "If some guy made her cry then I swear I'm going to—"
"You're wrong!" Yamaguchi raises her voice, cutting me off.
"You're wrong, Fuyuki…"
"…Then why?"
"It's not what you're thinking…" Yamaguchi's face twists into a deep frown.
She looks confused and frustrated. But more than anything… She looks extremely heartbroken.
"What happened, Yamaguchi?"
"Kotori…"
Kotori? Did something happen to her this morning?
"Did something happen with her this morning?"
"She… she came into our class earlier…" Yamaguchi's struggling to even finish her sentence and it looks like she's desperately trying to hold back tears.
"…" I stay silent waiting for her to finish.
What the hell could've possibly happened? Everything was perfectly fine just yesterday.
"She came here and said…," Yamaguchi's face twists even further as she tightly clenches her fist, "She said that she doesn't want to be friends with us anymore."
"She what…"
Before I could even process what Yamaguchi had said, those words subconsciously slipped out of my mouth as I stood there in disbelief.
"…Waaaaaaa, why does she hate us," Kyoko buries her face into my chest and starts crying again.
"Tch…" Yamaguchi turns her head away and covers her face with one of her hands, trying to hide the tear that has crept down her cheek.
Here in this classroom, on what I presumed to be a normal day like any other. Kotori's blade, that is her words, lingers in the air and continues to cut us down until… An irreparable wound has been left on the target, which just so happened to be our hearts.