22. Chapter 20: Bear one another's burdens

Ch 20: Carry each other's burdens*

Lizzy's early morning walk was spent pondering the many revelations of recent days. I always knew Mama seemed to do little in managing the household, much less anything to do with the estate at large. How curious that I never really considered why that might be. How ill that speaks of me, I suppose. From her hilltop vantage point she gazed down through the fog at her home, sighing. I have been unaware of so much, despite being in the center of it all. To think Papa understands Mama's limitations and has taken it upon himself to bear her burdens, and we never knew. He has done so much for her comfort and I never saw! To think I believed myself so astute and observer!

How much he must value her liveliness and ability to manage society for him. I wonder…is that why he has always avoided London—to shield her from the criticism Aunt Gardiner told me of? Certainly he dislikes the demands of the Season, keeping company does not suit him, but still, perhaps there is more to it than I first believed.

Stretching, she rose and brushed the dust from her skirt. The morning sun, in golden rays, began to burn the fog from the landscape below. I feel like I have been in a fog, unaware of what has been going on around me. Everything seems to look so different now. How much more is going to change still?

Breakfast began as a quiet affair; neither Jane nor Lizzy spoke, relishing the opportunity to consider their own thoughts. Mr. Bennet buried himself in his newspaper, as if unaware of company, muttering to himself occasionally as he read. Suddenly heavy footfalls pounded down the stairs. Mr. Bennet peaked over his paper toward the doorway, deeper creases appearing on his brow.

Lizzy cringed as she heard her youngest sister cry from the foot of the stairs, "Lizzy! Jane! Have you heard my good news! I must tell you! It is so wonderful!"

Soon Lydia's beaming face peeked into the dining room as she bounded in to join her sisters at the table. Moments later, Kitty, her eyes swollen and face blotchy, quietly made her way in as well. Lizzy and Jane exchanged concerned glances as the younger girls sat down, Kitty pointedly sitting beside Lizzy, as far away as she could from Lydia.

"I cannot wait to tell you! You will never guess!" Lydia gushed, bouncing in her seat.

"She is going to Brighton," Kitty spat, pouting with a bitter glare toward the youngest girl.

"That was for me to tell, not you! Now you have gone and spoiled it all. I do not understand why you cannot be happy for me." Lydia crossed her arms and scowled at her next eldest sister.

``I cannot see why Mrs. Forster should not ask me as well as Lydia,'' said Kitty, "though I am not her particular friend. I have just as much right to be asked as she has, and more, too, for I am two years older.'' Her small hands balled into tight fists, shaking with frustration.

"Is that not the point?" Lydia rolled her eyes. "You are not her particular friend. But I am." She cocked her hair with an insufferable air of superiority.

"Lydia!" Lizzy rebuked sharply, glancing quickly at her father. He said nothing, but shook his head behind his paper. He does not approve! I wish he could bring himself to say as much.

Jane placed a soft, restraining hand on her youngest sister's arm. "Lyddie, it does not do to be so unkind."

"Unkind? I am not being unkind! I am only speaking what everyone already knows. Mrs. Forster likes me above everyone else. She could only invite one friend to go with her, and it is clear that it should be me. I am, after all, the most lively, agreeable companion of all of us, am I not?" She looked up innocently at Jane, despite the elder girl's evident disapproval. "Mama has always told me so."

Kitty scowled, eyes filling with tears. Awkwardly, Lizzy reached out to take one of Kitty's balled hands in her own. Slowly her hand unfurled and she grasped Lizzy's larger hand with her pin-pricked fingers.

"Kitty hardly knows what to say to the officers and is so often tongued tied; how merry is that?"

"It is only because you never stop talking. If you would take a moment to simply breathe, perhaps someone else could have their share of the conversation!" Kitty snapped back squeezing Lizzie's hand hard.

"But everyone is so entertained by my stories! I am only being an obliging guest…"

"Lyddie, perhaps it would be wise for you to listen…" Jane calmly admonished.

"Wise! What do I care about wise? That is dull and drab, Jane!" She rose from her chair and danced behind her sisters. "I wish to be merry and bright and winsome and gay!"

Finally Mr. Bennet looked up from his paper, scowling. "That will do, Lydia. You would do well to sit down, this is not a ballroom."

The elder girls turned to stare dumbfounded at their father. I have never heard him rebuke Lydia so.

"How droll you are, Papa!" the youngest sister laughed as she returned to her chair. "Surely you do not object to my excitement for you told me that I might go! I have been invited to Brighton! Where all the regiment is going! To Brighton!" She sighed happily as she picked up a piece of bread and reached for the jam.

Clearing his throat, Mr. Bennet looked intensely at his daughter. "I am beginning to fear that you will never be easy till you have exposed yourself in some public place or other."

Stunned, Lydia had no answer for a long time. Finally she laughed. "What a good joke you have made, Papa! You know very well I want no such thing! How can you speak so? I only wish to enjoy myself as Mama would tell me to do." She turned her eyes to Kitty and looked down her nose. "I will take every opportunity to do so. While you will have to make do here, with only our sisters to entertain you."

"Oh!" Kitty shook with pent up emotion. Finally she could stand it no more and bolted from the table. Lizzy dashed after her.

"See what you have done, Lydia? You have hurt her feelings." Jane's sharp reprimand fell on deaf ears.

"She should not be so sensitive." She shrugged and turned her attention to her meal.

Sighing, the eldest sister rubbed her temples, stray locks of blonde hair falling loose around her face.

"Do not fear, Jane. We can be assured that your sister will not have a better opportunity to prove her silliness to all around her, and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances.'" Mr. Bennet looked severely at his youngest child who did not seem to notice. Frowning, he rose and with a glance toward Jane added, "I will see you and Lizzy in my study when you are finished here."

After her father had left, Lydia set down her cup and looked at Jane. "I do not see how I have said anything so very bad. I only spoke what everyone thinks already!"

"Oh Lyddie," Jane sighed painfully, pressing the bridge of her nose against the threatening headache. "Perhaps it is that you do not truly understand what everyone is thinking."

Kitty made it to the landing before Lizzy caught up with her. Reaching out to the younger girl, the elder pulled her into a wordless embrace. The affectionate gesture broke the little composure Kitty had left, and soon she was sobbing in Lizzy's arms. Carefully, the older girl led her sister to the sitting room Lizzy and Jane shared.

"She is so horrible!" Kitty sobbed as Lizzy pressed a handkerchief into her hand. "Why does she have to be so awful?"

Jane should be here, not me. She always knows what to say. Gently, she rubbed Kitty's back.

"It is not fair, Lizzy. It is just not fair! Why does she get to go and not me? Lyddie is the one who is always shocking everyone with her boisterous ways. I try to be ladylike. I try to be like you and Jane. But it is she that gets invited and I must stay at home! It is not fair!"

"I am so sorry, Kitty. I know you feel awful…"

"Do you really know?" She turned an accusing eye on her elder sister. "No one compares you to Lydia, to your younger sister! Do you know how mortifying that is? She is the pretty one. No one ever notices me. She is the lively one. I may as well be a rock on the ground. Mama…" her voice faltered and she sobbed brokenly.

Lizzy pulled her into her shoulder once more. "I know, Kitty, I know how hard it is not to be Mama's favorite. It is not so difficult with Jane. She never lords it over me that she is the great beauty of the family, and Mama knows she will make the best match. But the truth is there, and sometimes it is very very difficult. We are not so different in that regard, I think."

Wordlessly, Kitty looked up to regard her elder sister. "You do understand. I never realized it before, but you do. Mama favors Jane just as much as she does Lydia."

Sadly, Lizzy nodded. "That is true. So we must stem the tide of malice, and pour into the wounded bosoms of each other the balm of sisterly consolation." Her words were serious, but her eyes twinkled.

Wide-eyed, Kitty accused, "You sound just like Mary!"

"Why, I suppose I do!" Lizzy laughed gently. "I am finding her to be quite the fount of wisdom these days."

"Truly?"

"Indeed. You know, perhaps Lydia's absence will be the perfect opportunity for all of us to console each other for our loss of the officers. You can stitch in peace, and perhaps we might all have our share in the conversation."

At this Kitty had to laugh. "I cannot argue with you there." Biting her lip, she timidly asked, "While she is gone, may I join you and Jane? I…I do not like to be alone so much."

"Of course, and Mary too. We would absolutely welcome you to sit with us whenever you wish." Lizzy was surprised to find her sister's arms suddenly around her neck.

"Thank you!" She pulled away, wiping tears from her face. "Perhaps this is for the best. Do not tell Lydia or Mama, please, but you know, I do not always feel so ready to be in company. I do not know what to say among the officers or even their wives.I know many girls do not come out until they are older than me. If you will have me with you, then I think I am glad to stay here with you."

"I am delighted to hear that, Kitty, and Jane will be too. I am sorry we did not think to invite you to join us sooner. I do not think we realized you felt unwelcome. It never was our intention to make you feel so." Sighing, Lizzy added, "Would you please forgive us?"

"Of course, Lizzy! I am so much happier now. How could I do otherwise?" She smiled, wiping the last of the tears away. "I hope you will not mind if I join you today. I do not think I want to be with Lydia as she packs her things."

"Of course, dear. I do not think I would wish to endure that either. I am afraid Mattie will certainly earn her keep today." They laughed a little sadly.

A short time later, Lizzy joined Jane and her father in his study.

"Ah, Lizzy, I am glad you could finally make it here. I trust Kitty is sufficiently recovered from her disappointment." Mr. Bennet raised an inquisitive eyebrow at his daughter.

"She is well enough, Papa. Although Lydia's gloating is hard for her to bear."

"Well, at least she can take comfort in the fact that it will be of short duration, for I believe Lydia is to leave on the morrow. Although, I would not be surprised if she makes their departure later than they desire." He paused, uncomfortably. "I imagine you have already spoken to Jane about why you are both here."

"I have not, Papa. I thought it would be best for you to explain." Lizzy replied levelly as she sat down beside her sister.

What do you know, Lizzy? Jane's fair brow creased with the unspoken question.

"I suppose that is well enough. If I had wanted news to be broadcast, it is Lydia I should have told, no?" He laughed to himself. "Well then, where to start?"

Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat, looking from her father to her sister and back again. Finally her gaze settled on the pile of journals and ledgers on her father's desks, books that she did not recognize.

Uncertainly, he cleared his throat. "I know it is unusual, but I find I must be away on some important business, and I need to leave very soon. The trip will be of some duration, so I must make sure things are taken care of here while I am gone."

"Where are you going, Papa?" Jane gently asked.

"Kent, with your Uncle Phillips. That is why I cannot ask him to act in my stead." He paused, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "As you have noticed, I am sure, your mother is indisposed, and may be yet for some time to come."

"Surely you do not believe she will continue to keep herself above stairs for so very long, do you?" the blonde girl protested, looking to her sister for support.

"I am afraid I do, Jane. I am sure you already know of Carver's slight to your sisters." He waited for her nod. "She has taken that very hard, I fear. It will be some time for her to recover."

"I do not understand. Surely such a thing…"

"It is not a small thing to her, Jane." Frowning, he shook his head sadly. "No it is not. Sadly, when we married, there were those who questioned her ability to raise you to be the ladies you should be. She took that criticism deeply to heart, and now hearing what Carver is rumored to have said, she feels it all very deeply. That keeps her to her rooms right now." Wearily, he rose to walk to the windows and look out over the lane in front of the house. "The sad truth of the matter is that her family's background in trade left her unprepared to be mistress of an estate.

"Although she tried, much of it was truly beyond her. Your mother has always excelled in social skills, but she has no head for numbers, nor management. To ask her to engage in those tasks was to drive her into despair.

"So I chose not to. Between Hill and me, we do what needs be done, leaving your mother only to fulfill the social obligations of visiting and entertaining. These things, she does very well, and I do not."

Jane blinked several times, deeper creases lined her brow as she fought to grasp what she had been told. "He has spoken of this to you already, Lizzy?"

"Only a little," she confessed, "and certainly not enough that I felt I could explain it all, even to you," Lizzy shrugged slightly.

"While I am gone, I need you girls to take over for me, particularly with regards to running the household. There should be little of concern on the farm. Lizzy, I would ask that you keep abreast of my correspondence and send on that which needs my immediate attention, and save the rest for my return." He glanced across his desk as if trying to decide where to go next.

"I would be happy to do so," Lizzy quickly assured. "You will, of course, explain…"

"Yes, yes, have no fear, I will get to that." Although his tone was a bit brusque, Lizzy recognized it as merely his feelings of being overwhelmed by what was before him. He pressed his temples as if trying to rein in his thoughts. "You will need to acquaint yourselves with these." He gestured toward the books on his desk. "These are the household accounts and the records of dealings with the merchants and tradesmen in town. You will find Hill has been quite meticulous in her record keeping." Returning to his desk, he lifted two books, handing one to each daughter.

Timidly, Jane opened the cover and started to read.

"Papa," Lizzy looked up from the pages of the ledger, "can you please explain to me these entries. I am afraid I do not understand them clearly."

"Ah yes, the joys of double entry bookkeeping!" He laughed sardonically."Where would we be without Pacioli, the dear monk who taught this to us all?" Carefully he sat down beside his daughter and patiently explained each of the journal entries.

Quietly, Lizzy absorbed her father's instruction, feeling vaguely guilty at the joy she felt at learning something so new and so useful. From the corner of her eye, she caught Jane's intense expression as she, too, concentrated on her father's words.

Though he said nothing Mr. Bennet observed his daughter's reactions with interest. Lizzy has already grasped this and I believe Jane has as well. They are both so intelligent and quick. While I have never wished them to be anything but my daughters…no point in that thought. I hope I am not ruining them for their husbands some day. Their young men will need to be singular gentleman to revel in wives with such great understanding. I pray this does not come back to haunt us all later.

Several hours later, they rang for Hill to bring in a tray for luncheon.

"I never realized how much had to be kept track of!" Jane exclaimed in wonder, stretching and rubbing the back of her neck. "No wonder great men have stewards and secretaries to help them in their work!"

"Is it not fascinating?" Lizzy's dark eyes sparkled with excitement.

"You do seem rather taken with this." Mr. Bennet laughed, the first genuine laugh he had enjoyed all day. "What is more, you appear to have a natural head for this sort of thing. Perhaps it is best if we leave such things for you. I have a feeling, Jane, you would be much more comfortable managing our affairs with the merchants and tradesmen."

"I would indeed! At least there I feel as though I know what I am talking about." Jane gracefully poured them all tea.

For several minutes, none spoke as they made quick work of the welcome meal.

"What of the tenants?" Lizzy finally asked, thoughtfully chewing a mouthful.

"Their quarterly rent has been collected and the planting is done. There should be no concerns you need to attend…"

"But who looks after them?" the dark haired girl pressed determinedly.

"They are quite able to look after themselves." Mr. Bennet shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Is this about Lady Lucas and the Blacks? If it is that significant to you, visit the tenants, learn of their concerns, do what you must. Your mother never had the constitution for such things, nor do I have the ability to follow up with them. I have enough on my desk already, and you may very well find you do as well."

"Yes sir," Lizzy softly conceded.

"But if we have time, once these other things have been done, then you would not object?" Jane offered a little timidly.

Raking his hand through his hair and smiling a little indulgently, he replied, "No, I would not. But I fear that you will have little time for such things with all the responsibilities I have placed before you."

"We shall be fine, Papa," Jane quickly assured, reaching out to squeeze his arm.

"Indeed we shall. May we also call upon Mary and Kitty for help?" Lizzy glanced at Jane, seeking her approval.

"Do you actually believe they can be useful to you?" Shaggy eyebrows shot up.

"Actually, I do. I have recently found Mary to be quite the fount of good sense and industry." A wry smile crept across Lizzy's face.

"That is most singular!" He rested the side of his face on his fingertips. "If you can find your younger sisters useful to you, then by all means, make them active young women. That alone would make my trip worthwhile!" He chuckled to himself. "All the more reason for Lydia to go to Brighton, for I doubt there is anything you could do to make her useful."

"Do you really think it wise for her to go so far with only Mrs. Forester for companionship?" Jane timidly asked.

"I trust Colonel Forester. If he can command a regiment of militia, surely he can keep one young woman under control. He has, after all, done a good enough job with his wife!" He laughed cynically. "I know you do not fully approve of Mrs. Forester, you do not have to tell me. She is a young thing, and still given to flirtation. But it will come to nothing. She comes from a good family and will follow at least some recognizable lines of decorum. I trust that Lydia will follow her in that.

"Is it not better for her to be there, with some woman to follow after, than for her to be here with you, underfoot and hampering your efforts? Truly, would you wish to add controlling your sister to your lists of obligations? I know she is quite unlikely to do as you ask, and you would need to press her on nearly everything."

Jane drew a breath to protest.

"No, I cannot ask that of you, either of you. Let Lydia be Colonel Forester's problem while I am gone. I am asking enough of you already." His firm tone ended the discussion.

With a slight frown, Jane merely nodded.

"Now I imagine you have questions you would like to put to Hill. She has been made aware of my plans. Shall I call her in?"

"I would like that very much," Lizzy quickly answered. Jane agreed, drawing a deep breath to steel herself for another deluge of information.

Mr. Bennet called their trusted housekeeper into his study, and they spent the remainder of the afternoon reviewing the management of the household with her. Once they were finally dismissed, both girls trudged wearily upstairs, their heads too full to make conversation. Both retreated to their rooms for much needed quiet and contemplation.

*Gal 6:2