18. Chapter 18: Each heart knows bitterness

Ch 16: Each heart knows its own bitterness*

The quietness of the house surprised Lizzy as she and Mary returned from their outing. A quick consultation with Hill revealed that Mrs. Bennet had found her own excursion far too taxing and had returned to her rooms to calm her nervous agitations. Lydia and Kitty were occupied finding uses for the new ribbons and lace they had brought back from town. So, for the moment, peace reigned. Lizzy breathed a silent prayer of thanks, too many difficult thoughts filled her mind and she craved the quiet.

"It is good to see you all returned," her father's voice at her elbow startled her. "I am surprised, Mary, to see no new books under your arm today. Has our little library so soon lost its appeal to you? Have they run out of sermons already?" A heavy eyebrow lifted as he cocked his head teasingly.

"No, Papa," Mary answered, her face flushing hotly. "We…we did not actually make it to the library."

"Oh ho! Did not make it to the library, eh!" A knowing glint appeared in his grey eyes. "Do not tell me that you, too, have succumbed to the lure of a red coat!" He laughed heartily. Silly girls! Although I had thought Lizzy would have had more sense. "And only this morning you seemed so set against such diversions! I will say…""Papa!" Lizzy exclaimed, a surprising sharpness in her tone. Immediately regretting it, she softened her voice to continue, "Papa, we never made it into Meryton, so there were indeed no officers for us."

"Did not get into town, you say?" Shaggy grey brows rose higher on his forehead. "So then, where did you go? I am intrigued." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. Now that sounds much more like my daughter.

"We encountered Charlotte Lucas on the way." Lizzy glanced at Mary, hoping to relieve some of her sister's discomfiture.

"She was on her way to call on Mrs. Black. We joined her." Mary timidly raised her eyes to her sister rather than her father. Does he not frighten you with his questioning? I never know how to answer him.

"Mrs. Black?" Mr. Bennet's brows furrowed, perplexed. "Mrs. Black? I am afraid I do not know the name. I do not believe she is someone your mother calls upon, for I know all of them and most of their relations, near and far come to think of it. Pray tell, who is she?"

"She is the wife of one of Netherfield's cottagers, sir." Mary chewed her lip uneasily.

"How very singular!" Mr. Bennet exclaimed pulling himself up into a more imposing posture. "A tenant of Netherfield? Why would Miss Lucas be calling upon her?" He tucked the book he carried under his arm to cross his arms over his chest and looked down on his daughters, mild disapproval in his eyes.

"She was visiting on her mother's behalf," Mary stammered, clearly unnerved by the questioning. He thinks me a fool.

"My question stands, what business does Lady Lucas have with a cottager on an estate not her own? Lizzy, perhaps you can enlighten me." What have you been doing? I am not certain I can approve this. To visit such people? It cannot be safe for them!

Lizzy suppressed her frown as she saw the familiar hurt look in her sister's eyes. "Mrs. Black is very ill, Papa. With no master or mistress in residence, Netherfield has no one to look after the tenants. Lady Lucas has taken it upon herself to care for them. Charlotte was bringing a basket to the cottage. We went to help her, for it was too much to carry on her own."

"I see," her father replied flatly, a vaguely uncomfortable look on his face.

I know that look in his eyes! But surely he cannot disapprove, could he? "Is she not all generosity and kindness, sir?"

"Indeed she must be." Mr. Bennet retreated a small step, his voice sharp. I know you are clever Lizzy, but you are not going to trap me into giving this little venture my approval as much as you may wish for it.

"What is more, Papa," I mean no disrespect. I can see you are uncomfortable, but I cannot let this go so easily. "Mary and I found it quite…" She looked to her sister.

"Satisfying?" Mary offered with a hesitant swallow. Glancing up at her sister, she was surprised at the approval she found in the older girl's eyes.

"Yes, satisfying. Exactly. We found it quite satisfying to be thus engaged. We should like it very much if we might be allowed to accompany Mama when she visits Longbourn's tenants."

Lizzy! Mary stared at her sister, stunned. How can you speak so? You know she does not visit any of them. I do not think that now is the best time for you to showing your wit by criticizing Mama so. Papa does not seem impressed by our enterprise already. I cannot imagine this will help.

."You would, would you now?" A frown slowly crept over his face as he regarded his favorite daughter. He sighed heavily and retreated another half step. "And give up your time for calling on your friends, and even the library? Most singular indeed. What an odd occupation for genteel young ladies."

"How would that be, Papa?" Lizzy pressed, undaunted. "Is that not a part of the duties of the mistress of an estate? Mama has always had in mind for at least some of us to marry gentlemen, so I can hardly see how she could object to teaching us that aspect of being mistress of an estate."

Lizzy is right. She has tried to teach us how to catch a husband, but little else. I should like to how to be useful once one is caught. Mary laughed sadly to herself. Little chance that I have of it as it is.

Mr. Bennet scowled. What are you about, Lizzy? I have seen you take up a fancy before, but not with quite this much energy. What has so affected you?

"I cannot but think that Mama would be glad for company on her visits. She does so hate to go out and about alone any more. I am surprised that she has not asked us to accompany her before." A dark look warned Lizzy she was pushing her liberties with her father too hard. "But surely she did not want to suspend any pleasure of her daughters with such burdensome duties."

"That will do, Lizzy." I have never heard you so hard with your mother before. What is going on?

Lizzy had the good grace to blush at her impertinence. "I am sorry, Papa." She bit her tongue. He is right, I should not have spoken so.

Mary stared at her father and sister, astonished to see her sister so unaffected by her father's rebuke. You are so brave, Lizzy. How can you bear his displeasure so gamely? But then again I suppose it is not so fearsome a thing when you have so much of his favor as well. I do not think I will ever had such courage.

"I expect you will be wanting to clean up for dinner. Your mother has already called for a tray in her room, so I imagine it will be a rather somber event tonight without her narratives to keep us entertained. You both may be called upon to fill the silence. With—what was it you called it this morning, Lizzy? Ah, yes, sensible conversation." He quirked an eyebrow and smiled wryly. With a brief nod, he continued on his way, leaving his two daughters pondering the exchange.

As predicted, the dining room was oddly quiet as the eldest three Bennet sisters made their entrance for dinner. Without the mistress of Longbourn to carry the conversation, the dining room felt very hushed, for the occupants were quite accustomed to depending on that lady to set the tone of dinnertime conversation.

Finally, Lydia broke the silence. "Pass the potatoes, Mary. Do not hog them so!"

"Lyddie," Jane whispered, "do not be unkind."

"There is nothing unkind in the truth!" Lydia snapped with a pouting scowl at her eldest sister. Turning back to the table at large she added, "You will be so sorry you did not go into town with us when you hear the news."

"Indeed, Lizzy," Kitty agreed, pointedly ignoring Mary's unhappy looks. "You will be sorry not to have heard for yourself. Though perhaps Mary won't care a jot, for she does not approve of gossip."

Jane glanced over to see Mary look down to her lap as the younger girl tried to ignore her sister's distain. How can they speak so to you and Papa says nothing! I'm so sorry. I must find a way to talk to you tonight.

"Heard what?" Elizabeth asked, irritation growing in her voice. I cannot imagine what they have heard in town. Looking at their faces I can tell whatever it is, they think it is a good joke. Doubtless I will not agree.

"Yes, do tell," Mr. Bennet invited. "Without your mother here we must have some conversation." His eyes twinkled teasingly. Only Lizzy was attentive to his expression.

"Well, Mrs. Lawton…" Kitty began animatedly.

"No, Kitty, wait! It is my story to tell. I am the one who brought it up. It is for me to tell the story," Lydia protested angrily.

"You always tell all the stories to everyone. I never get the chance to talk." Kitty's hands balled in frustration.

Jane sighed, leaning her chin on her hand. She is right.

"You are always talking." Lydia crossed her arms over her chest angrily.

"I am not! No one gets the chance with you in the room."

The three elder sisters cringed uncomfortably looking to each other for support.

"That is not fair! I cannot help it if people prefer to listen to me. Tales are so dull when you tell them!" She looked down her pert nose on her next older sister, blinking innocently in an expression she knew Kitty hated.

"Lydia!" Kitty's hands flew to her hips as she half-rose in her chair.

Elizabeth glanced at her father, dismayed to find the amusement that played in his eyes. Oh Papa, can you not see how improper this is? How awful it would be for anyone else to witness this scene? She heard the sounds of servants in another room and gasped, aghast, realizing this incident, and many such like it, had indeed been witnessed by the surest source of gossip in the neighborhood. She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat, attracting Mary's attention.

Poor Lizzy. She looks so discouraged with Papa right now. Is this the first time she has noticed how he indulges their silliness so? Mary shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

Finally Jane quietly asserted herself. "Kitty, Lyddie, none of us will hear your news if you only argue over who is to tell it. Can you not both tell us your news? Lydia, you begin, then Kitty can fill in with her own observations." I do so wish you could restrain yourselves. Not all look so tolerantly upon you as our parents. Sadness filled Jane's pretty blue eyes.

"We had tea with Aunt Phillips today, and who, but Mrs. Lawton and her daughter should come to call." Lydia began animatedly. "And she, I mean Emily, not Mrs. Lawton, wore the most beautiful new lace trim…"

"No! No lace! I beg of you." Mr. Bennet interjected landing his hands heavily on the table for emphasis. "If I must hear this, there is to be no talk of lace."

Oh Papa, that this is what you would choose to correct them for—their talk of lace. Lizzy frowned and caught Jane's eyes. Jane nodded somberly.

"Well," Kitty picked up the tale. "Mrs. Lawton told us Mr. Carver's upstairs maid told her scullery maid who told her lady's maid the reason that they removed so suddenly from Netherfield…" Kitty and Lydia shared a conspiratorial giggle.

Elizabeth grimaced, biting her lip hard.

"She said he found the company in Meryton savage!" Lydia interrupted. "Imagine that, savage!"

"She also said he objected to the presence of the regiment and the town crawling with officer!" Kitty laughed mockingly, turning to Lydia as the girls giggled in unison, "Officers!"

"Nor, it seems, was he overly impressed with the officers' wives!" Lydia added with a flourish."I cannot see how he could find fault with Mrs. Forster! She came with us to call upon his sisters ever so often."

"Yes, and Maria would come with us too. We were such a merry party. His sisters looked forward to us coming to call ever so much." Kitty added excitedly.

And the brother not at all. Lizzy glumly looked down at her plate, her appetite lost.

"Extraordinary!" Mr. Bennet exclaimed. "I am quite diverted. Imagine a grown man frightened from his home by a flock of silly young women!" He laughed heartily. "To exert all the trouble and expense of moving because he did not like the company his sisters kept. Such a weak constitution he must have!" I though him a fool the first time I met him. I was right.

"Papa," Elizabeth retorted, her frustration starting to show, "if he found his sisters' company untoward, what should he have done?" Boldly she met her father's gaze.

With no small surprise, he took stock of his favorite child. What has gotten into you today, Lizzy? I have never seen you so missish. Only the three eldest sisters noted the discomfiture in Mr. Bennet's expression. "What should he have done?" he finally repeated. "What is there for him to do? If the girls wish to keep silly company, then how is he to stop it? Mark my words, they are bound and determined to expose themselves to the world as ridiculous. To do so here would have been far simpler and given their brother far less expense. Alas, now he will find that despite his effort and outlay, the girls will still show themselves outrageous in…"

"Brighton," Lydia supplied brightly. "They are going to Brighton."

"In Brighton then. Where, I might add, it is far more expensive to do so than in Meryton. He has spared himself nothing, you see, an cost himself quite an unfortunate amount." He raised his brows acerbically as a knowing smile lifted his thin lips.

"So, you mean to say, Papa," Lizzy swallowed hard, straightening her back, "that a man should not concern himself with the company his family keeps?"

"Certainly not, child! Whatever would give you such an idea?" he rebuked quickly.

His eldest daughters sighed softly in unison, relaxing slightly. Had any of their observers noticed, they would have laughed, but as no one did, the air in the room remained somber.

"There is certainly company that is not fitting for a gentleman's daughter to keep." He straightened his shoulders and looked directly at each of his five daughters in turn. "I would be moved to action to see you consorting with servants or their sons."

Lydia giggled, pressing her hands to her lips. "Oh, Papa! Why ever would we do that?"

Lizzy struggled to conceal her sigh and frown.

"Likewise, I would not want to see you consorting with any of Colonel Forester's enlisted men. That would be imprudent at best." He looked severely at his youngest daughters.

"But officers…" Kitty whispered hopefully, grinning when she gained his slow nod. Lydia giggled at this too.

"Neither am I certain that Netherfield's cottagers are fitting company for my daughters. An errand of charity, well that is one thing, but simply calling on another man's tenants is quite another." He cast a reproving eye on his second eldest who sank visibly with his reproach. "Well, this has been quite an interesting meal, girls. If you will excuse me." With a nod, he rose and left the table, his daughters watching, stunned, as he removed himself from their company.

Her headache having returned in full force, Elizabeth excused herself to her room soon after. There, she left the candles unlit, allowing the moonlight to filter in, bathing the room in a pale, silvery glow. The dimness of the light left everything looking grey, a fitting color for the state of her soul.

"Has he always been this way?" she wondered aloud, her voice very soft. "Have I been so blind that I have never seen it because I was his favorite?" Agitated, she rose from her chair and paced in front of the window. Storm clouds are gathering. How fitting. Lady Lucas, it seems, was correct. "Oh, Papa, I am so dismayed." She sighed, leaning her elbows on the window sill, pressing her forehead to the glass. The cold glass, chilled by the incoming storm, felt good against her throbbing head. Finally she stood to pace again.

Ever since I was small, I looked up to you. You were the one I could talk with, who seemed interested in my questions, my interests, no matter how unladylike they were. You encouraged me to read, to think, to talk, to be your companion. It was you who taught me to laugh…at myself…and at everyone else. I have always thought so highly of you. Tears welled in her eyes. Roughly she brushed them from her cheek as they began falling unbidden. But today, it is as if I am seeing a different man. How can it be that you, who were always so concerned with what I thought and what I read, care so little for what people might influence your daughters? Their social standing is important, but not their character?

I cannot believe you would be so disapproving of your daughters taking on their responsibility in the community. I had hoped…hoped you would be proud of me. Like you were when I learned to play chess or decided to attempt Latin. I thought you would be please with me. I do not want to displease you, Papa. But what am I to do?

Brusquely she wiped more tears away, but the pain in her heart was too great. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she began to weep. Standing alone in the middle of her room, she quietly sobbed, wondering what had become of the man she thought she knew, and when he had become the man she saw this night. In the distance a low rumble of thunder shook the windows. Large drops of rain began pelting the window, drowning out the sounds of her cries.

* PR 14:10