17. What Dad Would Have Wanted

"I'm… not going to be around for much longer….." Anthony and I stood at Daddy's bedside. Neither of us said anything, just watched our father with solemn expressions. The only one at ease in the room was Daddy. He smiled at me first, reaching out to warily take my hand. "Don't look so… sad, sweetheart. It's not so bad; at least I won't be in any pain anymore." "Daddy…." My bottom lip quivered. His eyes lowered onto me. "I know you're going to miss me… and I wish I could stay with you longer- all of you. But you have to remember… just always remember how much I love you. No matter what happens going forward… know I love you; I loved you first. That'll never change, pumpkin." "Daddy," a teardrop rolled down my cheek. Daddy's gentle eyes drifted from me to Anthony. He looked like he was on the verge of crying now too.

"Promise me…. You must promise me, Anthony, to watch over your sister… when I'm gone. Take care of her; her and all of your siblings. I love them in my place…. Give them the proper love of a brother, in place of a father." "Dad," my brother whispered. Daddy's sad grin widened. "Don't give me that look, son. Time changes everything…. Life must go on. It's up to you now….. to be the head of the Bridgerton household. That's a great honour… and with great honour comes great responsibility." "I know, Dad…." "But I'm serious, Anthony… don't let anything happen to my kids. It's your job as their big brother to take care of everything. Watch over Daphne for me… I'll see them grow up and flourish through your eyes. Love them, as I did… Love her, as I did.

I never knew it was possible to love someone so much; then I became a dad."

I couldn't stay in the room much longer. Anthony found me on one of the wooden swings outside, sitting there and staring off into space like a zombie. I was almost numb, it hurt so much. My eldest brother came out of the house; his hands clasped behind his back and his mouth a thin, flat line. I doubt he knew what to say to me right away.

He didn't have to say anything though. The moment he arrived behind me at the swing, I stood up and spun around to face him. Both of our expressions were the same- full of profound sadness and lack of hope. What was there to hope for now? He was dying in front of our very eyes… Still… For his sake more than my own, I decided to break the painful silence first.

"It's ok, you don't have to say it." "Daphne, I'm so…." Anthony flinched. "It's alright, I understand how you feel…. You and Daddy. I just wish there was more I could do….. for both of you." "Baby sis…." "You've already done so much, Anthony. You've always been a good big brother, and a good son; you've always been there for all of us. Still…. That's a lot of responsibility Daddy's placing on your shoulders. I'm sorry."

My brother shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault. And besides I… I want to look after you; you and everyone. I don't want you to think I'm doing it just for Dad's sake." "I know you're not." "Daphne…." Our eyes met; tenderness was in each our gazes. "This must be so hard on you, Anthony." "It's hard on all of us… I can see what Dad's situation is doing to you too." "But you especially… You've always sought Daddy's approval so hard. You must know that you have it, big brother." "I don't… know about that," his eyes scrolled down a little. Anthony, I continued to stare at him. He's suffering so much; my poor, poor beloved brother…. I don't know what I can do for him. I don't…. That's when an idea popped into my head.

Against all reasoning, I smiled at Anthony; I grinned at my eldest brother through the thick, permeating sadness. "Don't worry. I know for you." "Daphne!" Anthony blinked up in astonishment, but my grin did not wavier. "He loves you, Anthony…. He loved you first too." "Daphne…." His eyes finally lowered. I reached out to take his hand in mine; my fingers wrapped around his palm, giving it a squeeze. I walked around the swing to stand beside my brother, smiling tenderly up at him. Anthony still wore a dumbfounded expression. "Let's go back inside. I'll stay with Daddy tonight so you can have some rest." "Baby sis?" "I love you too, Anthony. I want you to be happy; I want you to laugh a lot. That's what he wants too. Daddy will see us through your eyes…

And he'll see you through mine."

There was a knock at my bedroom door. Anthony opened it carrying a tall glass of water. He found me rummaging through my bottom desk drawer. I don't know why but I was just thinking of Daddy and wanted to see some pictures of him. I'd left a few in there when I went off to university in Brussels. Anthony set the water on my nightstand and sat down beside me.

"What are you doing?" "Oh, just looking at stuff. Thanks for the water, by the way." "No problem. I just wanted to come see how your packing was coming along, but I see you haven't started it." "Heh, not yet," I chuckled gently, closing the drawer. Seeing Daddy's pics always made Anthony sad still. I reached for the cup of water; my brother observing me casually as I took a few gulps. Then I leaned back against the bedframe, Anthony following suit. We stared quietly at the wall for a moment, not saying anything; though I'm sure there was lots on both our minds. There was definitely a lot on mine.

Anthony took in a deep breath. "I can't believe your stay's almost over." "Yeah, it went by super-fast," I nodded in agreement. "It feels like just yesterday you flew in… and now you're going so far away again." Anthony, I glanced to him from the corner of my eye. His voice just now…. I forced a grin to help ease the atmosphere. "I'll be back- it'll be before you know it." "Daphne, I…." "I have to go back, Anthony. I have to finish my dissertation and graduate." "I know you do."

A moment of silence ensued. I was about to say something when Anthony set something down onto the floor. He slid it over to me, causing me to blink down at it puzzled. It looked like an airplane ticket. "What's that?" "Don't go." "Huh?" This caught me off guard. But my brother turned his head to look at me with such genuine sincerity. "Don't go just yet. Stay for another month or so." "Oh; oh, big bro. I can't…." "Yes, you can. You can continue researching and writing your dissertation remotely. As per your Masters contract, you are allowed to do so for up to six months." "You remember me telling you that?" This certainly surprised me; we discussed my Masters contract almost two full years ago. It was such a little detail; something I definitely forgot. But Anthony….

Our eyes met again. His softened in the corners. "Please, baby sister. Life is so much easier with you around. I just want… just a bit longer. Can't you stay for a bit longer? At least before you start PhD?" "You mean before I get married?" My eyebrow raised. Anthony shook his head. "I mean before you move across the channel for good. And it's not just me; Francesca, Hyacinth, and Gregory all want you to stay too." "You discussed this with them?!" I gasped. "It was mentioned in passing, yes. Come on, Daphne. You're not going to be able to stay here with us forever. We'd really like it…. I'd really like it if you stayed a bit longer. We'll give you all the time and space you need to work. Just knowing you're near…. That'll be enough, at least for me." "Anthony," my lips parted.

He said this and something went off in my brain. Something I'd forgotten from long ago… My eyes lowered onto my brother in an understanding manner. "This is about what Daddy said, isn't it?" "Huh?" "About you watching over me. You were always anxious about me living abroad." He thought about it for a minute, eventually grinning- a small grin. "Well, I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it. But really, Daphne, it's just… I just…." Instead of continuing, his mouth shut to a solid line. His head tilted downward slightly. "He'd be so incredibly proud of you, baby sis; but I can't help but think he'd be disappointed in me," he said this like he actually believed it. That worried me.

"Oh, no! No, Anthony! He'd be so proud of you; of the man you became. You've done such a good job taking care of the estate and all of us." "Hmmmmm, but he wouldn't like you living so far away." "No….. he probably wouldn't. But he wouldn't blame you for that." "Yes, he would." "No, he wouldn't. He loved you first, big bro. Never forget that." He finally smiled back up at me. "I know…. I know."

After smiling at one another for a moment, I pulled my legs into my chest; hugging them close with my arms. I then scooted over to lean up against my brother's side. Anthony's eyes grew surprised, but he didn't say anything; we hadn't sat this close together in a long time. "You're not the only one who feels like they're a let-down to Daddy. Regardless of what he wanted for me, I have no desire to get married…. Not for a title anyway. He'd really be disappointed in me." "No, he wouldn't. He loved you more than anything. You could do no wrong in his eyes." "Hmmmmm, except I was born with the same heart condition as him. He never did forgive himself for that." "How could he? You were his first-born daughter and favourite child….."

My smile deepened in the corners and I softly fluttered my eyes shut. "I know why you want me to stay, Anthony. And a part of me- a large part- wants to stay here too…. But I can't lie, I love the freedom Europe gives me." "I know; it's always been kind of stifling for you here at home. But it's also safe…. Isn't that what matters most? Dad sure thought so." "And what about you? What do you think, big bro?"

Anthony didn't reply immediately. I reopened my eyes and we returned our gazes to each other's faces. Wearing a soulful expression, Anthony's hand reached up to brush some stray hairs off my chest, just like Daddy used to do….. "I think it's my job to keep you safe, for all our sakes. Please, promise me you'll think about it. Think about what Dad would have wanted… for both of us. Please…." Anthony, my eyes lowered. I flashed him a kind, accepting smile, if only to ease his nerves.

"I'll think about it."