18. Be Careful For Me

It's worst between 2-4pm, when I don't feel like doing anything. I had to lay down for a bit this afternoon and check my body temperature. It was still a little high- not the best sign in the world. Still, it had come down from what it was this morning so I shouldn't worry too much. Anthony knocked on my bedroom as I put the digital thermometer away. "Ready to go?" He asked. "Sure am," I spun back around with a grin. It'd be alright tonight; my blood pressure usually picked up again later in the afternoon which was a good thing.

Benedict, Anthony, and I all met Simon outside the front entrance to tonight's ball. This would be my last ball before flying back to Brussels this weekend- thank god. Benedict was going back to Oxford soon too. This would be the final time the three of us siblings went out together like this for who knows how long. Simon greeted us with a smile, then he entered the party. After he was announced it, Benedict made his entrance. Then finally Anthony with me on his arm. The mood felt….. different tonight, for some reason. And I'm not talking about the four of us.

No sooner had Anthony removed my coat did a man- I didn't know his name- came over to us. This was surprising, seeing as no one ever approached us so directly at these sorts of events. What was even more surprising- and alarming- was that this guy, whoever he was, was looking straight at me. He didn't even acknowledge the three men surrounding me. I was stationed firmly in between Simon and my eldest brother, who did not appear at all assumed by this man's forwardness. Not that he cared at the moment, I suspect.

"Miss Bridgerton," this man flashed me a devilish smile; one which did not inspire me. Sensing that I had no clue who he was, Anthony so graciously stepped in. "Lord Weaver," he greeted on my behalf. I sent him a "thank you" grin while this Lord Weaver follow also turned his head to my brother; though not as enthusiastically as me. Lord Weaver gazed him, then back at me. "I was wondering if you might do me the honour of a dance tonight?"

Both Simon and Anthony frowned, completely unimpressed. While my face flushed as I tried to scramble for the words to tell him "no, thank you", I was waiting for Anthony to interject and say something first. But to everyone's astonishment, it was the duke who spoke next. "Must we share your attention with every moon-eyed dandy, Miss Bridgerton?" Simon asked in a loud voice which could be heard all across the room. We all blinked to him; Benny hiding a smile with his hand, Lord Weaver looking horrified, and Anthony so cleverly catching on. He grinned at Simon then proceeded to glare at the intruder. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder protectively. "Precisely. My sister only dances with her brothers, Lord Weaver; until she finds a proper match, that is."

This flicker of realization glossed over Lord Weaver's eyes. He looked right at my brother, now frowning. His eyebrows narrowed in contempt. "Oh, I see. Well, I shouldn't be surprised. After all….

You are your father's son."

Benny and I rolled our gazes to our brother nervously. Anthony's cheeks tightened, his lips pursed together. He knew when he'd been insulted; we all knew that. And what's more, this jerk had the nerve to drag Daddy into this. Lord Weaver was referring to Daddy's infamous reputation as a social climber- which he was but we would never say anything against him. At least in public. But calling Daddy out like was dangerous to do in front of Anthony or even me. You can say whatever you want about me, but don't you dare insult my family. Then it became a matter of greater honour. Luckily, Benny and I didn't have to get mad cause Anthony had that covered.

Still, Anthony was determined to play his cards and keep the upper hand. He pulled down the rims of his jacket and- to Lord Weaver's shock and embarrassment- completely ignored him. Instead he turned to me- and trust me, this was a power move on his part- and grinned. He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Go get a drink with Simon. Then you and Benedict can have the first dance."

Now everyone present knew what Anthony was doing by this. He was deliberately showing Lord Weaver how easy access to me could be, but you had to go through him to get it. Him and Simon were friends; Anthony trusted Simon. And Benedict was my brother, so there was nothing stopping him from talking to me. This may sound overly old-fashioned and a little creepy, and that very well may be accurate. But at the moment I was just so happy not to be forced to dance with this guy. I didn't even really want to talk to him. Instead, I merrily approached Simon and side-by-side we went over to the refreshment table, not even looking back at the awkward situation.

Simon picked up two glasses and began filling one with water. "Water?" He inquired, which was pointless because he was already pouring it. "Mmmm, I'd like some orange juice." "Have a glass of water first. It's hot in here," he handed me the now filled-cup. I rolled my eyes. "You sound just like my brother." "One glass is not going to hurt you. Drink." I couldn't help but grin. He's so charming when he wants to be. "Alright," I took three large gulps. He filled his own cup with punch; I wasn't sure if it had alcohol in it or not. Perhaps not but why take the chance?

We stood there beside each other, now watching the partygoers and dancers. Simon took a sip of his drink then side-eyed me. "Going to miss this?" "Decidedly not. Parties and socials like this have never been my thing. I'm looking forward to being a nobody once more," and all the freedom that entails. "Time's flown by so fast," he took a sip of his beverage. I nodded. "It has. Becoming your friends hasn't slowed anything down," my grin returned. He looked at me. "Oh?" "Mmhmm. I'm going to miss hanging out with you." "Are you?" He sounded a little amazed by this. By my grin didn't falter. "Course. It's super easy… being your friend." "Yeah, same with you," we peered back out at the dancefloor in unison. Simon's eyes lowered slightly in a tender fashion.

"Be careful." "Huh?" This caused me to blink back his way puzzled. His expression was adamant, however. "Be careful…. when you're back in the mainland." What? Why is he staying this? He sounds genuinely…. genuinely concerned. It made my heart flutter a little. I had to be careful to keep it in check, lest it beat so loud he hears it. I forced- yes, forced- an awkward grin. "Course I'll be careful. I always am. I've made it this long, after all." But Simon didn't smile; he face grew even more solemn. He head spun in such a way so to face mine.

"What you said, or rather what you didn't say in the garden that night… It worried me, Daphne." "The garden?" I blinked confused as to what he referred to. That didn't last long, mind you. "Hey, by the way. How did you know Nigel was following you earlier?" Oh! Oh…. Unsurprisingly, Simon frowned. "Do they follow you around a lot in Brussels?" His hands clasped behind his back in an upset manner. Simon, my eyes lowered. "It's no big deal. Nothing bad has ever happened. And girls get stalked over there all the time." "Daphne…." He began before I cut him off with a head shake. "Really, Simon; I'm fine. I can handle myself. I'll be safe; I always am." He didn't look convinced- not in the slightest.

The duke let out a sigh. "Now I know how your brother feels," his long stare rolled back forward. My head shook again. "What is it with men constantly worrying about me? Seriously, it's been like this my life. First Daddy, then Anthony… If they had their way, no one would worry about me as much as my husband. Do you really think I'm so pitiful and helpless? That my life would shatter to pieces without someone- always a man- watching over me like a little girl? Like a child?" "No, you misunderstand," Simon countered. But I wasn't done, huffing out loud to myself.

"I don't think so. I think I'm right that all men are controlling by nature. Sure, you can love, but you'll always want to be dominant over well….. everything. You can't understand that a woman is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. How could you? You don't see me on the same level as another man," I paused, taking a moment to breathe. Simon could only gawk at me with wide eyes, mildly horrified. And I'll admit, I was a bit shocked at myself too. I'd never vented about any of this with a guy before- only with my sisters. Simon was the first, and I don't think that was a good thing.

This very uncomfortable silence fell between us. Usually quiet with Simon wasn't awkward, but the air now was so tense that you could slice it with a butter knife. The duke simply kept watching me, and not with a happy expression. I looked everywhere but his eyes, now suddenly feeling very embarrassed and full of regret. When I could take this painful stillness no longer, my lips eventually parted. "Simon, I'm sorry. I…." "You don't know anything, do you?"

Of course I looked up to him flabbergasted. For him to say something so blatant and harsh to me. Simon's face was hard as a stone, his eyes sharp and penetrating; and they didn't dare blink away from me. "Have you ever inquired as to why all these "controlling men", as you say, fret over you so exhaustively? It is not because we think you are weak and helpless- rather, we are the ones who feel helpless." "S-Simon!" My hand rose up to my chest. His crisp stare narrowed onto my eyes. "We like to think of ourselves as strong men, Miss Bridgerton. And for most the time, we live under that illusion- easily so. It is only when someone like you comes along that the veil is lifted and we are reminded just how weak, just how frail, just how human we are." "Me?" This couldn't have stunned me more. What does he mean "me"? What do I have to do with anything? But he nodded his head firmly, closing his eyes for a second.

"Believe it: it is more than a little convenient going about day to day, being afraid of nothing. There is no trial, no tribulation that shatters my self-grandeur so forcefully. I can go through life, believing I am strong- strong enough to handle whatever may befall me. It is only when I am near you that I see… that I understand what a phantasm that is. You, Daphne, prove me wrong- every single time I look at you, you prove me wrong." "W-Wrong about what?" It was my voice which was shaky now. Simon's lips parted but works only followed a minute later.

"That I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. That I'll never that strong…. I know what it is like to be afraid. Genuinely afraid. But it is not for me; it is never for my sake. It would be so much easier if it was. But it's not… I'm the one who feels weak and helpless here, because when I look at you, I become afraid… whenever I think of you in harm's way. It doesn't matter how strong I am, or your father was, or Anthony is, if we can't protect you. That is why we worry about you, Daphne. We like to think of ourselves as strong, and when we are afraid, we try to fix the problem. That is how we were raised; that is what we taught at Oxford. When we have a dilemma, we solve it. And it is easier for us to be protective… and protect you, than to stand by and anxiously watch you do it on your own. What you see as "controlling" I see as solving the problem. I'm not strong enough to look away and to simply trust…. Not anymore."

I stared at Simon with eyes wider than they've ever been. Simon, he… I said I'm glad we're opening up to each other before, but man! I was not expecting that. My heart- hell, my whole body- certainly wasn't. My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing a mile a minute, my legs felt like jelly ready to collapse any second now. I doubt I was able to grasp the full gravity of what he'd just told me but it felt… it felt…. My eyes snuck a peek back up at his face. His beautiful, beautiful face…. Why do I suddenly feel like I want to burst out crying? Where are all these warm fuzzy tingles coming from all of a sudden?

It didn't take long for Simon to snap out of it either. He'd be blushing too right now, if he let himself. Instead he yanked his head off to the side, ripping his eyes away from mine. He shut them; I think they revealed too much emotion still at the moment. "W-Well, anyway….. I-It doesn't matter. Y-You don't need to concern yourself with any of that. I just….. wanted you to know it wasn't coming from a place… or desire to control you. That's not it whatsoever." "Simon, I…." I had to be careful how I proceeded, lest tears start to trickle down my cheeks. Come on; get it together, Daphne! Don't misread what he'd just told you! There's nothing romantic or anything about it…. It wasn't meant to be romantic, I'm sure. I mean, it's not like he loves me or anything- that's not it at all! That's not it…. My lips opened a sliver.

"Simon, you're…. Are you…? Do you….? We're friends, aren't we?" Why did I say that? Did I want to sound like a moron? He blinked to me alarmed. "What?! Of course we're friends. You didn't think….?" "No! No, I thought…. I know we are friends. It's just…. I didn't know….. men could feel that way. I know Daddy and Anthony love me, but…. but…" He watched me for a moment longer before sighing. "Yes, we are friends, Daphne. You never have to worry about that." "Good…. good," hearing him say that deeply calmed my nerves. I still felt like crying, however. My arms wrapped around me so to hug myself; I was trembling from the inside out.

After another moment of simply, silently observing me, the duke's whole face softened. "So, do you understand now?" "I-I think so…. a little better now, anyway." "Good. I didn't want you going back to Europe thinking that…." "Oh no! No, Simon; I know…. I know." I think for the first time in forever, I think I'm starting to understand.

Our stares locked, and they immediately softened onto each other's. "When do you leave?" "Monday morning. I'm flying out of Gatwick." He nodded, slanting his head down a shyly. "Will you… keep in contact?" "Of course! We'll call and text. And I want you to give me your address so I can send you postcards and cards for your birthday and what not." His eyes grew gentle in the corners. "I can do that." "Good, thank you. I'll keep you up-to-date….. on all what's going on with me. I'd like it if you did the same, Simon." Our eyes met once again. His transfixed onto mine. The world's briefest pause overtook us. His mouth soon opened. "Daphne, I….."

"Daphne!" The duke was interrupted by Benedict bouncing innocently over to us. He flashed us both an eager, happy smile. "Ready? They're starting the next waltz." "O-Oh! Oh, yes; of course!" Without first thinking, I set my empty glass down and took my brother's arm. Simon gave him a friendly nod then glanced back over in my direction. "Have a good dance, Miss Bridgerton." "I will, your grace. Try not to get too board while I'm gone." "I won't," he chuckled. "Come on, sis," Benny started pulling my arm. I was about to leave with him before Simon called my name one last time. "Daphne!" I made Benny pause so I could peer back at him over my shoulder. His face was firm but heartfelt again. "Be careful, when you're back.

Be careful."