31. Heaven's Light

-I've made so many mistakes in my life. Too many to count. I had too many drinks, went on too many motorcycle rides, smoked too many cigars, had too many kids. I've done it all. And yet she… She's the only thing I can honestly say I don't regret. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much, but I learned that love at first sight is indeed real. The nurse came out with a little pink blanket and put her in my arms. I looked at her and haven't been the same since. And I said "a girl…. I've always wanted a little girl."

She was the first thing that was ever truly mine. I knew that I'd ever be the best version of myself when I'm this little girl's father. I'm her father… And whenever she says she needs me, she'll never know how much I need her more. I love her- simply, effortlessly I love her. She's shown me a whole other side to living, to parenthood…. If heaven exists, that's where she came from. It gave me her….. I don't think I'll wind up there myself, but that's ok.

She's my heaven's light.-

"Everything looks in order. You just got a little too dehydrated. Has this ever happened before?" The doctor came into the patient room with the test results. I was sitting on that counter with the paper sprawled across it. My eyes drooped down sort of embarrassed. "Erm, yes; I've had to go to the hospital for it." A moment of silence. The doctor's face dropped. "Oh…" Was her only reply. "B-But that was a long time ago! The last time I was at the hospital was for uh…. period problems."

"Ah, yes. I see you're taking contraceptive pills. Are you sexually active?" "No! I mean, no… They're for uh, to stop my period," god, I wanted to die inside. She nodded in an understanding fashion. "And when did you stop having a period?" "The last time I went to the hospital- almost three and a half years now." "Your body just couldn't the symptoms?" The doctor inquired. I shook my head. "No. It was getting too hard and I was losing too much blood… My body couldn't handle losing that much iron every month anymore." "Mmmmm, makes sense; that's common for women with your condition. But you understand you'll never be able to have children?" "That's fine. I want a PhD anyway; children would just in the way of my academic dreams." Her head nodded again, then checking over her clipboard briefly.

"You've said you've experienced critical levels of dehydration before?" "Yes. But I'm better at monitoring it now. If I start to see stars or feel light-headed or nauseous, I drink a lot of water. I'm usually good at staying on top of it. It's just when I travel….." I'm usually so on top of everything, but admittedly when I travel…. Sometimes- only sometimes- I forget I'm not normal, my body's not normal. Thinking about it only made my eyes lower. Yeah, I forgot….. I forgot this weekend. I was having such a good time with Simon; I didn't want to bring him down with my needs. I wanted to be normal, so we could have a normal time…. together.

Look how well that turned out.

The doctor jotted down some notes. "Is this a hereditary condition in your family?" "Yes. My father had it." "I see. And how's he handling it?" A moment of silence broke over the room. She asked this so innocently and yet, hearing her say that stung. It stung- quite a lot. My eyes drifted down from her face to my hands clasped together on my lap.

"He's gone…." Another silent moment. "I'm sorry." "He had an accident…. He wasn't the best at monitoring his condition," he never was. She nodded slowly. "Was he aware you inherited it?" "Yes… he knew. Heh, he worried more about me than himself. Drove me up the wall at the time. He made me go to every doctor appointment and bought me this really fancy pink water bottle so I could carry it everywhere…. and he made my brother watch over me like a hawk. He did everything he could for me- to make my life better…. easier. But he never cared about himself- not like me or my brother anyway. I think his greatest regret in life wasn't that he had heart problems…. It's that I have them," my finger twitched. My bottom lip quivered a little as my eyes just stared down blankly at nothing. Daddy…..

I let out a low, pained chuckle. "If I could do it over again, I would've shoved those meds down his throat. It wasn't me who needed to be watched in reality; it was him." The doctor took her time responding to this, sensing the mood. "But you… don't want to take medication?" "I already don't have a period, on top of my condition. I'm done "not being normal". Daddy didn't take medication, and I'm not going to either." The doctor's eyes glued onto me in this studying manner. It's as if she was trying to figure me out just then; figure out the meaning behind my words….

"Are you doing this to punish yourself? You couldn't save his life, so you're not going to take the proper measures to ensure your own?" That was blunt of her to ask and I appreciated her sincerely. I grinned sadly, shaking my head. "No. Daddy made his choices; he's responsible for what happened to him… though I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I did more, or rather made him do more for his own health. No, it's just…. It's just my father wanted so much for me and we both knew my condition doesn't help anything. I know I'm not normal… but I like to pretend I am… for his sake. I feel like if I take medication for this particular condition, it's like admitting I have a problem. I can get over the period thing since it's super convenient not to have one and lots of women choose not to have a period…. But no one chooses to take heart medication unless there's a serious problem," my eyes lowered again.

Yet another pause ensued. The doctor's head fell a bit- thoughtfully of course. "You don't want to admit there's a problem?" "It's not that…. Well, maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that I saw how much my condition worried my father, and I worried about him. I don't… want to be a burden on anyone else like that again; I can take care of myself just fine. I don't need a husband whose sole job it is to babysit me…. like Daddy did. I didn't want Daddy to have to do that back then. I hated seeing him worry so much. I loved him….. He was my most favourite person in the world. It felt like it was my job to worry about him; not the other way around," bizarre as that may sound coming from a daughter about a father. "Husband?" The doctor's eyebrow raised up. I flashed her a small grin. "Nothing."

"So… You still don't want the medication, then?" She then asked. I let out a sigh. Anthony would freak out if I left here without at least a prescription, but I really didn't want to take it… Daddy worried so much over me near the end of his life. I never want to see another man go through that again- I don't want anyone else to see me as "not normal" in the world. Even though deep down I knew…. Anthony….. If no one else on the planet knew, there was still Anthony. And I hated being a burden on him too.

Another long sigh fell from my mouth. I gently shut my eyes. "I'll take a prescription and keep the pills as a back-up…. in case it ever gets too much to handle." "That's a good idea," she pulled out her prescription pad. I watched her write down the material on its blank page, considering to myself the entire time. I wonder…. Is that perhaps why I have such an aversion to marriage? Because…. I don't want anyone to replace Daddy to me? I don't want anyone to worry about me the way he worried because… it's not him? I hated Daddy fretting over me at the time, but…. I know he did it out of love for me, like I worried out of love for him. I thought that maybe if I am normal, I don't need to get married because no one will have to worry about me, and at some point I equated worrying with control…. I want to be normal, but I've never given much thought as to why before….

I've never thought about it like that before, and I can't help but wonder why.

I woke up at a tugging of my IV on my left arm. My eyes fluttered open a sliver. I didn't know what time it was or how long I'd been asleep for; all I remember passing out sometime after they stuck the needle in me.

This was my first ever hospital trip from my condition. The doctor said I had the same heart condition as my father; I was born with a weak heart which is apt to cause me to faint and get lightheaded. We know this because when I arrived at school that morning, I didn't go to class. Instead I went straight to the bathroom to vomit my guts out. My chest felt like was on fire; like someone was sticking a hot wire into it repeatedly. I laid there in sheer agony in the nurse's office, throwing up uncontrollably until Daddy came to pick me up ten minutes later. We went straight to the hospital.

After some tests and x-rays it was confirmed that I was dangerously dehydrated and that in turn hurt this condition neither of us knew I had. I was in a bed in a hospital room on a high floor, with an IV stuck in my arm. I always hated needles, and having one in my arm for hours was not my idea of comfort.

Daddy was beside himself with a handful of different emotions. He was mad- furious I'd say. But not at me. Rather he kept yelling at the doctors and nurses, demanding for a second opinion. He didn't believe that I inherited his heart condition- or rather, he didn't want to believe- until three doctors eventually confirmed it that night. Then Daddy's emotions changed from rage to being distraught and beside himself. He collapsed down onto the stool beside my bed with his face buried in both his hands; he was like that for a long, long time. He didn't say anything for hours and I finally fell asleep. I was feeling better but still in a lot of pain. It was then I learned that getting dehydrated was a dangerous game for me.

Sometime later I woke up to a quiet, empty hospital room. The first thing I saw was the ceiling, since I was currently laying on my back. The arm with the IV in it tucked when I tried to move it, forgetting temporarily that the IV was still in there. I winced, suddenly recalling earlier events and rested my arm back down again. My other arm was also difficult to move and when I spun my head to the side, I found Daddy there fast asleep. He was holding my right hand in both of his. I watched him for a moment, not wanting to wake him. Daddy….. He hadn't left my side since we got here; not even for an instance. He'd stayed with me this whole time. He stayed with me…..

I shuffled somehow and he began to stir. His eyes cracked open a tad, this soft warm smile shining up at me. He didn't move his weary head off the covers. "How are you feeling, sweetheart?" "Go be to sleep, Daddy. I didn't mean to wake you," I cooed in reply. He must be so tired; no wonder he fell asleep sitting up. His head nudged a little. "You ok, princess? Tell Daddy what you need. Does your heart still hurt? Do you want some more medicine?" My head shook lightly, my eyes not leaving Daddy's gaze. "I'm ok….. I'm just a little sleepy." "Mmmmm, me too. Don't worry, baby; you can go back to sleep. I'll take care of everything; you just rest." "But you're tired too, Daddy. I don't want you to have to stay on my account."

His eyes transfixed on me, his eyes lowering. His hands gave mine a tight, loving squeeze. "No, honey; don't think like that. I wanna be here with you. You are never a bother; not to anyone who loves you. Any man who loves you will be happy to stay and hold your hand like this…. for as long as you need. I want to be here, baby girl. I want to be here…" "Daddy," my voice was low and gentle.

After watching me for another minute, Daddy's bottom lip began to tremble uncontrollably; his whole jaw was practically vibrating. This stream of tears started dripping down from his eyes. While now clenching onto my hand, his upper half lowered so to hide his face from me. This was the first and would be the only time I'd see my father cry. Daddy's teeth clenched; his hands shaking while clinging onto mine for what felt like mercy. "I'm sorry, Daphne. I'm sorry….

I'm so, so sorry."