34. To Love One Man
"He hates me….. He hates me," I was laying overtop the covers on my bed with my head on the pillow and my staring at the wall. Eloise was sitting on its edge, listening to me and gently patting my hair from time to time. I'll give her this; she can be comforting when she wants to be. I told her everything that I knew to my knowledge, though it was clear I didn't know everything, like about what that vow was for. Though I could hazard a guess but didn't for Simon's sake. He deserved his privacy. That didn't halt the pain however…. I gripped both sides of my pillow in agony.
"Simon obvious doesn't hate you." "Yes, he does. He said he doesn't want to be closer…. That we can't be friends." Eloise sighed. "Seriously, how did you get into Masters? You're so thick." "I am an academic! I read books and go to lectures. This is all new to me. I've never felt this way about anyone before….." "I see. So because you're not an expert and can't study this at a library, you're going to give up? Not worth the effort?" There was a mocking tone in her voice. I glared at wall, which was pointless; it was only to make me feel better. "It's not like that and you know it. I can't make Simon do anything he doesn't want to do…. And I don't want to do that. I care about him too much." "Don't you study romantic poetry? How can you not see it?" "See what?" "Duh! That you're in love with him! And he's over the moon for you." Hearing this didn't shock me as much as you might it would. I hesitated, shutting my eyes. "Even if that's true, there's nothing I can do about it now. He's gone…. He's gone."
Eloise waited a minute, then let out another short sigh. "Why not just ask him to marry you?" "What?!" I jerked up from my pillow, eyes enlarged. But she was steadfast and serious. "It would solve everything. You'd get your PhD trust fund and marry the man of your dreams. Plus he has a title; a good title. Dad would've approved, I'm sure," she knew bringing up Daddy was my weak spot. "He does have a title…. and he does check off every box. Objectively he is the ideal candidate for a husband…. Not just for me but anyone." I caught Eloise smiling at me just then, confusing me a little. "What?" I asked her. She shook her head. "Nothing. So ask him." My eyes lowered sadly. "I can't." "Why not?" "Because he… he has this vow he made; he made it before he met me." "So?" "So I can't ask him to break it. It wouldn't be right."
Eloise couldn't have rolled her eyes harder. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Vow- what vow?" "I don't know and I'm not going to ask," I stated firmly. "You're going to lose a catch like Simon over something so trivial?" "It's clearly not trivial to him. Look, I have no right to ask him to break it on my account. That's not what love is." "Oh god, grow up, Daph! This isn't one of your moral medieval tales. Being in a relationship means compromise- you can be a little selfish. No one expects you to act like a self-sacrificing saint." "But we're not in a relationship; we've never had a relationship beyond friendship. And if I do love him, shouldn't it be in my way? Whether you agree with me or not, it would be incredibly selfish to ask him to break any vow he's made for any reason. Any man who loves me wouldn't ask me to forgo PhD. Even if it not standard, I don't want to ask Simon to do anything he doesn't want to. I never want to do anything to hurt him…."
My sister watched me for a long moment. Her eyes softened onto; this kind grin crossed her lips again. "You really are a different breed. You didn't get that from Dad." "No; must have been our great uncle," and she laughed. Meanwhile my grin began to fade; sorrow swelling inside me once more. "I miss him, Eloise. I really miss him….." "I know; I know you do," she patted the side of my head.
"It doesn't get easier, does it?" My sister sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose it will- eventually." That made me feel weird; I didn't know if I wanted to feel better, strange as that sound. Reading my face, Eloise's head lowered a bit. "Don't worry, Daph. Things will get better." "I doubt it. If this is love, I don't want it. I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to go through ever again…." "Mmmmm, I get the feeling you won't," she shrugged. I looked at her perplexed, to which she grinned. "The next man you love will be your husband, won't it?" "Love and marriage have nothing to do with each other. I think I'll only ever love one man… if I love Simon." And she smiled; she smiled brilliantly.
"I think you're right there, sis; I think you are right on the mark."