33. The Breakup

Things were good after that initial morning. Anthony took me out for tea just the two of us so to apologize properly. I sat across the table, quietly listening to him and sipping at my hot chocolate. Occasionally I'd smile to myself. He reminded me so much of my father with his mannerisms and jesters. How could I stay mad at him for long? We made up and embraced each other. Plus I was feeling much better after my brother made me drink five bottles of water in one sitting. Not that I minded. Yes, things were good again.

Or so I thought at the time.

Everything seemed back to normal except for Simon. After that night where I fell to sleep holding his hand, I felt much closer to him. But it appeared I was the only who felt that way. Simon was strangely distant since that night together. He rarely talked to me, and if he did it was curt and quick. He wouldn't stand near me anymore.

It was so gradual at first that I didn't notice; I had other things on my mind. But I knew things were off the morning we took the train back to London. I went to get him a surprise coffee from Starbucks for the trip to Newcastle. An older lady saw me give it to him with a bright smile on my face, and she mirrored my expression. "Awe, don't you two make a cute couple?" She cooed. While I grinned back at her innocently, Simon looked horrified. He turned and brashly started to walk away. "Come on, Daphne," he called for me to follow him. That was the last time we were by ourselves until we got home. I sat beside Eloise the whole ride back. Anthony, Benedict, and Simon talked, though one was much more reserved than the others. I decided that Simon might be tired and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had no idea what was coming up when we got back to London's train station.

Simon joined us in the cab back to the house. Of course all my younger siblings ran out with arms wide open. We hugged them and confirmed their suspicions that we had presents. Anthony invited the duke to come inside with the rest of us, but Simon politely declined. I was a little surprised when he announced that he wanted to speak to me privately, however. Completely naïve, Anthony and I looked at each other; he nodded and I waltzed over to stand by the duke, not thinking at all that this might be bad news. Simon wasn't smiling though, and kept his hands clasped behind his back in an uncomfortable fashion. He waited until everyone was back inside before addressing me.

I blinked to him mildly perplexed. "What's all this about?" Simon didn't reply right away, taking his time to answer me. He couldn't look me in the eye, though I had no idea why. He's been acting really weird; I wonder if anything is actually wrong. I just thought he might be exhausted from the trip. Those thoughts began to falter when he began to speak again.

"Daphne, we… we need to talk," the duke voice was low and upset. That did surprise me. "Talk about what?" "About us," he immediately responded, still unable to look in my direction. A drop of sweat rolled down the back of my neck. "W-What about us? Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?" My mouth spilled out as I racked my brain trying to figure out what he could be talking about. Simon let out a frustrated huff.

"Isn't it obvious?" "What's obvious?" I clearly had no idea what he was referring to, which he noticed. "Us- you, me. We've gone too far, Daphne…. Miss Bridgerton," he made himself correct my name. That caught my attention; he rarely calls me that anymore and it's usually in jest. But this time he was entirely serious, and it worried me. My lips spattered slightly.

"W-What did we do? W-We didn't do anything. All we did was hold hands one night." "Don't mention that to me!" Simon's voice suddenly raised, alarming me. I blinked, purely in shock for a minute. It sounded like… like that was a painful memory to him. Wait, painful? Why would it be painful?! It wasn't painful for me! It was one of the best nights of my life in fact…. What about that night could possibly be painful to him? My hand rose up to my pounding chest; but it was beating for all the wrong reasons. Nervously so now…..

The duke sighed gravely, shutting his eyes and letting a moment pass before continuing. "I'm sorry, Miss Bridgerton; the fault is mine. I let you get…. I got…. We got too attached, you and I." "Attached? But we're supposed to be attached. Isn't that the point of friendship?" I asked, totally confused. "Yes, but not between you and me. We…. We have different life paths- we are bound for different roads." My eyes slowly widened on their own accord. What is he saying? He went on. "I am meant to run the Hastings estate, and you…. You're going to get married." Why is he telling me all this? I don't wanna hear it. "You are going to marry a man- a good man. You'll go to university and get your PhD. You'll get your dream and he'll…. He'll get you. You deserve this future, with a husband like him- one who can give you children." "Children? But I can't…." I can't have children. A traditional marriage may be in the cards for me, but not a traditional family. My hand quivered against my heart. I didn't like this- it was painful to hear. It hurt to hear Simon of all people say this to me.

"I cannot give you what you require to be happy, Miss Bridgerton," he said as his eyes slowly reopened. "B-But I never asked you to! We don't need to get married or have kids! I just want to stay near you…." "You think that wise? With how much our affections have grown already?" He had a hint of harshness in his tone. I didn't care; I just shook my head. "But what's wrong with that?! It's normal for friends to develop a bond the more time they share. You told me once it felt natural for you, having me near. Is that so bad? It's the same for me! I love being with you, Simon! You make me so incredibly happy!" "Don't say that!" He shot back angrily. My hands balled into fists. "Why not?! It's true! Don't you think we should be open with each other? Don't you think that will bring us closer together?" His body was full-on facing mine now in a defensive position. His own arms were down at his sides revealing his own fists. "Yes!

I don't want to be closer together!"

My jaw dropped in utter disbelief; my foot slid back a step. He doesn't….? Why? What did I do? What's wrong? Why is this so bloody painful? It feels like someone's ripping open my chest and tearing my heart out, artery by artery. This was the first time Simon showed any remorse, once he got a look at the hurt in my expression. My eyes wandered out into space; my mouth hung open, unable to close by itself. It hurts…. This, whatever it was, hurt like crazy. I hated it.

This remarkably tense moment of pressure fell between us, with me hugging myself and Simon looking repentant. His lips parted soon enough, though. "I'm sorry, Miss Bridgerton; I'm sorry. It's not you; you did nothing. I made a vow to never marry… before I met you. I'm sorry, I must keep that vow. I can't let him win…. I can't, not after all he's put me through. I've suffered too much; this would just be giving him more of what he wants from me. I'm done playing his game- I must keep my vow." I didn't care enough to ask what vow or who this "he" Simon was referring to is. I merely stood there, shaking uncontrollably trying to hold myself. It felt… it felt like he was breaking up with me, odd as that may sound. One thing's for sure: I knew going forward past this, it would never be the same. All those happy, wonderful, enchanting moments of blissful friendship we shared- gone in a flash. The very idea made tears swell up in the corners of my eyes, though I did my best not to cry. My lips parted the tiniest sliver, waiting for words to form in my cotton throat. "I thought… you and I were friends." Simon looked me straight in the eye.

"You and I cannot be friends. This ends here."

It was as if the earth opened beneath my feet and swallowed me whole. All I could do in that moment was stare- stare and remember how happy it used to make me… when he smiled. Our eyes locked, neither of us said nothing. But Simon finally clasped his hand back behind him. His head lowered a tad. "Take care of yourself, Miss Bridgerton," his heel then turned to walk away. At the sight of this, my reflexes took over control. Simon, no! Every inch, every fibre of my being ached, dangerously so. I don't want him to go… I don't want him to go! He's my friend; Simon's such a dear friend of mine. He's a friend…. I've grown so attached to already. I can't imagine what life would be like without him; without hearing the sound of his voice. No! I don't want to live in that kind of world! I want him near.

I want him to stay!

Before realizing what my limbs were doing, my hand stretched out in front of me. I grabbed the bottom of his jacket just before it was out of my reach. My fingers wrapped around the fibre, giving it a pull back in my direction. Now I wasn't conscious of my doing so until it was too late. I grabbed onto Simon's coat, effectively stopping him in his tracks. When his head spun back around, I could have sworn he was blushing. Blushing…. and tearing up.

We both grasped what I'd done simultaneously. Immediately horrified by my own actions, my hand flung itself back, both raising up in front of me. It all happened so fast, but when I saw his face again- his eyes- I wanted to be anywhere but here. Before he knew what was happening, it was my feet's turn to spin around and dart off in the opposite direction. I ran for what felt like some time, until I was far enough away that I knew he couldn't find me. I stopped to take some heavy breaths; my hand resting on the metal fence beside me. My chest was pounding like a drum.

Why'd I run away from him like that? Was I afraid…? Afraid he might say more or tell me he didn't want to be friends again? I feel like a little girl, hiding away like this. "Don't you think we should be open with each other? Don't you think that will bring us closer together?" "Yes! I don't want to be closer together!" Simon….

My chest felt like was on fire; everything ached. I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I don't know why it hurt so much but it did, and it was unbearable. I began stepping forward very hesitantly. My legs were as wobbly as jelly. My lips stayed permanently parted. My arms laid lifeless at my sides.

No, I don't want this. Isn't there another way? Why does it have to be like this? I don't want this! I want to hear the sound of his voice, I want to see him smile lots, I want to make him as happy as humanly possible. All these things I crave but are suddenly out of my reach. And I'm so sad….. I'm going to drown in sadness, it's that thick and high. Oh god, if I knew it was going to hurt this much, I wish I'd never met him! It would have been better if I never laid eyes on him!

A tear dripped down my cheek; my jaw clenched. But why am I so sad? Why do I want to see him so badly? Why do I want to hold his hand once more? There must be a reason…. There must have an explanation why this is so painful. My hand lifted up to brush the tear off my face. I looked at it on my finger, following it down to the bandage on my hand. The wound on my palm…. "It's easier for me to get hurt than see you get hurt." That's right, I said that to him, didn't I? Simon… "Am I honestly to believe you don't already know my name?" Simon. "It's easier for me to care about you now, than not to care….." Simon! "I'm not strong enough to look away and to simply trust…. Not anymore." Oh, Simon…. "You're the first person who's ever made me feel more "me" before."

Simon!

I collapsed onto my knees on the concrete. In that position, with my arms still limp at my side, I burst out into a crying mess. I wept uncontrollably right there in the middle of the street, letting the tears flow until my vision was so blurry, I couldn't see properly.