49. The Sharp Knife of a Short Life
Thanks so much for the reviews! I hope that you guys like this chapter. Derek's Q and A really makes me sad. So, here's to us all protecting our Linstead hearts. We need a support group you guys, is there some helpline for this?
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Three Days Later
The sound of thunder rumbling in the distance woke Jay from his slumber. He rolled over in his and Erin's bed and reached his arm out to wrap around his wife and his blue eyes fluttered open when he felt cool sheets.
Jay forced his eyes to focus on the clock on the bedside table and saw that it was 5 am. He rubbed his tired eyes and sat up in bed before getting out of bed and going in search of Erin.
Jay's barefeet were cool against the hardwood floors of the house as he looked over the landing to the living room and found his wife staring out the window watching the lightening as the soft rain hit against the window pane.
Jay felt his chest tighten as he looked at his wife. Erin had been awake for the better part of the last three days and Jay was at a loss for how to help her. Things weren't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to be getting ready to celebrate Nadia's graduation from the police academy, not getting ready to bury her.
Erin had taken the job of planning Nadia's funeral and had worked tirelessly to help Erin's mother and father any way that she could. She'd made sure their flight into Chicago was taken care of. Assuring Nadia's parents not to worry about anything, that she'd handle it.
Jay walked down the steps of his and Erin's house. Jay knew Erin had to have been up all night as some of the boxes from storage had been unpacked. This wasn't how he wanted to start the move into his and Erin's home. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"Erin" Jay called touching his wife gently on the shoulder.
Erin raised her hand up to Jay's on her shoulder and took ahold of it. Not taking her gaze from the window.
"Baby, you need to come to bed" Jay said.
"I'm not tired" Erin said.
"Erin, you haven't slept more than a few hours in the last three days. You can't do this to yourself" Jay tried to reason with his wife.
"I'm ok" Erin said "Evie's going to be up soon. I'm going to have to give her a bottle because I'm not making that much milk right now"
"Because you're not eating or sleeping" Jay shook his head as he looked at Erin.
"I told you I'm fine. I'm sure that has nothing to do with it. Besides I eat" Erin reasoned.
"You had 3 bites of a turkey sandwich last night. I think it's safe to say you're not eating" Jay shot.
Erin turned her head and looked at Jay "Are you suddenly my personal chef?"
Jay shook his head "No, but I am your husband and I'm not going to let you drive yourself into the ground. Nadia wouldn't..."
"Stop" Erin said standing up from her seat by the window. "You do NOT bring her up to me. Do you understand?"
"Erin" Jay said reaching for her arm.
"Don't!" Erin said walking into the kitchen.
Jay felt the anger brewing and he willed himself to keep it at bay as he followed Erin into the kitchen and watched as she grabbed a box off of the table and started to unpack it.
"Erin" Jay repeated
"I'm fine" Erin said keeping her back to Jay. She was fighting to keep the tears from spilling over her lashes.
Jay felt another stab to his heart as he walked over to Erin. He gently wrapped his arms around her from behind and placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder.
"Erin"
Erin shook her head and took a shaky breath as she tried to keep the tears from falling. "I don't understand"
Jay sighed and tightened his arms around Erin's middle as he tried to find the right words to say to his wife.
"Some things aren't meant for us to understand"
Erin shook her head "So this was the plan? For her to get her life back on track and be 2 weeks away from graduating the academy only to have her life taken by some idiot who was past the legal limit and driving on a suspended license?"
"Erin, that's not what..."Jay started.
"Just forget it" Erin said as she moved out of Jay's grasp. "You should go back to bed"
Jay reached for Erin's hand and pulled so she'd turn to face him.
"I'm not going to bed without you. If I have to hold you down on the bed, YOU are going to Get. Some. Sleep" Jay's blue eyes locked with Erin's hazel ones and she knew that he wasn't playing around.
"I'll go upstairs until Everly wakes up" Erin said
Jay sighed and laced his fingers through Erin's before leading her out ot the kitchen and turning the light off.
They married couple walked upstairs and into their still yet to be unpacked master bedroom. Jay pulled the covers back on Erin's side of the bed and watched as she laid down. He covered her up and went across the hall to the nursery to check on a still sleeping Everly.
Jay pulled the nursery door to a crack and walked back into his and Erin's room and he smiled sadly as he saw Erin already in a restless sleep.
He studied her sleeping form for a few seconds and he sighed to himself. He had no idea how he was going to help her get through this. The last thing he wanted was for her to regress back to where she was after her attack on the ship. His heart couldn't take that, And as much as he didn't want to admit it, he knew that his beautiful and loving wife was teetering on the edge of a dark canyon.
Jay climbed into bed beside Erin and covered his own self up before pulling his wife into his arms. He gently rubbed his hand up and down Erin's back as she curled into the warmth of his body. And as the storm picked up outside, Jay somehow knew that it was calm to the comparision of the storm that was brewing inside of his wife.
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Erin walked into Lakeview Funeral Home holding onto Jay's arm as he carried Everly's carseat with his free arm. Erin looked around the room as she and Jay walked through the hall and into the main room. Everyone from District 21 and Fire House 51 were in attendance. Erin's gaze rose to where Nadia's light grey casket was and she bit back a strangled sob as he grip tightened on Jay's arm.
Jay held onto Erin's arm and kissed the side of her head. "You ok?"
Erin nodded and loosened her grip on Jay's arm when she saw Nadia's parents walking over to her.
Helen and Greg DeCotis stepped towards Erin their faces red and stained with tears as Erin took a step towards them.
"Mr and Mrs. Decotis" Erin said. "It's nice to finally meet you"
Helen nodded and used a Kleenex to wipe her eyes. "Erin, I don't know how Greg and I could ever thank you for everything you've done"
Erin shook her head as she looked at the heart broken middle aged woman in front of her that was grieving the loss of their oldest child.
"You don't have to thank me" Erin assured.
"Nadia spoke so highly of you Erin. You were her best friend and she adored you. The whole flight over here, I kept thinking "What could I say to the woman who was responsible for saving my daughter from an addiction that her mother and I tried to no end to cure?" Greg said.
All Erin could do was nod as she listened to Greg and Helen take turns praising her for what she'd done to help Nadia.
If only they knew the real Erin.
The screw up.
The teen junkie.
The horrible wife.
The terrible mother.
The failure.
Erin wiped a tear that slid down her cheek and she looked at Nadia's parents before excusing herself and walking out of the viewing room.
As Erin walked into the main lobby she was met by Trudy Platt and Mooch. Almost running into them.
"Sorry" Erin said running her hand down the front of her dress as she looked up at Trudy and Mooch.
"It's ok, Erin. How are you holding up?" Mooch asked as he stepped forward to embrace Erin.
"I'm fine" Erin said
"Trudy wanted to ask you something" Mooch said.
Erin looked from Mooch to Trudy. In all the time that Erin had known Trudy, it was unlike her to not speak up on her own behalf.
"It's not the time" Trudy said.
"What is it?" Erin asked.
Trudy looked down at the ground and then at Erin.
"I was wondering if it would be ok if I said something at the funeral tomorrow"
Erin looked at Trudy Platt and saw the sorrow on the woman's face. It was in that moment that Erin felt a wave of embarrassment for not asking Trudy to say something at the funeral. Trudy Platt had come to form a very close relationship with Nadia over the past two years and the pain of the loss was evident as she looked at the Sargeant.
"Of course" Erin said a genuine smile on her features.
Trudy nodded and looked at Erin as Erin moved to walk past her.
"Erin?" Trudy called
Erin stopped and turned around to look at Platt
"Yeah?" Erin asked
"Thank you" Trudy said simply.
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After the viewing hours, everyone had went back to Erin and Jay's home for a late dinner and a few drinks to celebrate Nadia's life. Jay looked in the corner at the glider that Hank was sitting in as he rocked a sleeping Everly and talked to Olivia who was holding a sleeping Noah in her arms.
Jay watched the two for a few moments and as much as he didn't want to admit it, he had never been so thankful for Hank Voight. Erin and Jay had left Everly's pink blanket at the house when they'd left for the funeral home. And Evie refused to sleep without the comfort of the material wrapped around her. So since Noah was getting restless at the funeral home, Olivia and Hank offered to take an EXTREMELY fussy Everly home so that Erin and Jay wouldn't have to worry about her.
Hank had texted Jay and told him that Everly had fallen asleep almost as soon as he'd sat in the glider with her and to just take care of Erin that he and Olivia had things under control. So that's what Jay did, or at least tried to do. Erin didn't sit down once at the viewing. Always walking around talking to everyone and making sure that nobody needed anything, listening to people tell stories about Nadia, grabbing tissues for anyone who needed them. Jay had tried to tell her numerous times to sit down and relax, but he knew that his words were falling on deaf ears. She wasn't going to listen to him.
Jay looked into the kitchen and saw his wife downing a glass of red wine and he sighed. He could look at her and know that she was closing herself off, drowning herself in a drink instead of talking to him.
Jay shook his head and walked towards his wife. He wrapped his arm around her small frame and placed a kiss on her shoulder.
"You ok?" Jay asked.
"Never better" Erin said dryly as she took another long drink of her wine. Finishing the glass off and reaching for the bottle.
"How about we switch to water?" Jay said reaching for the bottle before Erin could grab it.
Erin turned and looked at Jay "What are you doing?"
Erin reached for the bottle but Jay pulled it away from her.
"Jay! Stop" Erin said reaching abover her head for the bottle that Jay was holding out of her reach.
"Erin, you need to eat if you're going to drink" Jay said not bringing the bottle down.
"I'm not hungry" Erin said simply trying to stiffle a yawn.
Jay's stance softened and he placed the bottle down on the table before taking Erin into his arms. "You need to get some rest"
Erin shook her head "I'm not tired"
Jay sighed "Baby, I know you are. You haven't slept"
Erin sighed and looked at Jay "Will you come upstairs with me?"
Jay nodded and took Erin by the hand as they made their way through the crowd of people.
As they walked through the house Erin felt sick from the gazes she was getting. These people didn't know how she felt and the sympathy looks were too much. Some of them didn't even know Nadia, not the way the she did. And they never would. All because of the careless actions of someone who chose to drink and drive.
When Erin and Jay reached the top of the stairs and went down to the hall towards their bedroom, Erin was ready to forget. She needed to forget. Anything to numb this empty pain she was feeling. The pain of walking around in a dream and not being able to wake up. The pain of standing in a room screaming and nobody even looking over at her. The pain on losing one of her very best friends in the entire world.
Jay opened the bedroom door and Erin attacked her mouth to his. Her hands instantly going to untuck and unbutton his dress shirt.
Jay stumbled back from the force of Erin throwing her body into his and he tried to push her away from him as they walked backwards towards the bed.
Erin had managed to get Jay's tie loosened and his shirt undone and her silky black dress hiked up over her thighs as she pushed Jay down onto their bed and moved to straddle him.
"Erin stop" Jay said turning his head away from Erin as she tried to kiss him again.
"Why?" Erin asked as she forcefully rocked her pelvis into his. "I was thinking that you haven't fucked me in our new house yet. So fuck me. You can do anything you want to me. Just make me forget. I want to forget it all"
Jay grasped Erin's hips tightly to keep her from moving "Er, stop"
Erin's hands reached down towards Jay's belt "Don't act like you don't want me Jay. I can feel your body betraying you"
Jay fought to grab Erin's hands as they continued to undo his belt.
"Erin, stop!" Jay said as he managed to get ahold of Erin's hands.
"Do you not want me? Don't you want to fuck me? Don't you want this?" Erin asked.
Jay sighed and looked up at Erin. He could see the tears welling behind her hazel eyes and his chest tightened as he looked at her.
"Er, you know I want you all the time. But not like this" Jay said.
Erin closed her eyes as the rejection from her husband set in. "You don't love me?"
Jay shook his head "What?"
Erin's eyes opened "Do you want Allie?"
Jay scoffed and looked at Erin "Allie? Erin, this has nothing to do with Allie"
Erin nodded "I saw you and her at the funeral home tonight. Saw her holding Evie"
Jay sighed and looked at Erin "She was just paying her respects Erin. That's all"
Erin didn't look up at Jay "She's so beautiful Jay, you looked so happy when you were talking to her. She looked like a natural holding Evie. I'm not mad, because it's like I realized that I'm just a roadblock for you and her"
"Er..." Jay started.
"I am" Erin nodded as she looked at her husband. "You should go to her. I won't be mad at you, Jay. I promise, and I'd never do anything to keep Evie from you. We'd work it out...custody. You could come see her anytime. Just don't take her from me. Please? I'll do anything as long as you and Allie don't take her from me"
Jay shook his head "Erin, there is no me and Allie, I swear to God there isn't. And there's never going to be. She came to pay her respects to Nadia and she asked if she could hold Evie so I could pick up Ev's binky that had fallen under the chair. That's it"
Erin nodded "I wouldn't blame you for leaving me. I'm worthless. I was the one who suggested that Nadia take that class across town instead of taking it in the mornings. If she'd signed up for the morning class, she wouldn't have been on the road and she'd still be here"
Jay took Erin's hands in his "Erin, this is not your fault. This was a tragic accident"
"My mom was right about me, all those times that she was high and she'd tell me I was a disappointment were right. I'm a disappoint to the unit for not already being back to work. I'm a disappointment as a sister to Teddy, I'm a disappointment as a friend and as a mother and as a wife" The tears now fell free from Erin's eyes "Camille would be so ashamed of me"
Jay shook his head "Erin, I don't know where this is coming from but you are the furthest thing from a disappintment. You're the best thing in my life and forgetting Everly's blanket doesn't make you a bad mother. Baby everything you do is amazing. And if you could just see yourself the way the rest of us see you, you'd know just how amazing you are. What happened to Nadia wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for this. I won't let you. And I know I never met Camille, but I know enough to know that she'd be nothing but proud of you. Nadia was proud to know you, and she wouldn't want this for you, Erin"
Erin couldn't fight it anymore, Three days of holding it all together finally broke and she crashed her body against Jay's as heavy sobs fell from her tiny frame.
Jay wrapped his arms around Erin's back as he rubbed it up and down as he let his wife cry.
"It's ok, baby, shhhh" Jay soothed as he rubbed Erin's back.
"I...don't...understand...Jay" Erin said through strangled sobs. "Why? Why did she have to die? Everything she worked so hard for and it's gone. It's gone just like her. I don't understand. She didn't deserve this. She died all alone in that car. She was probably so scared. And in so much pain"
Jay listened as Erin took a breath and started sobbing again. "I don't know, Er. I wish so much that I had an answer for you about this. I'd do anything to bring her back and make this pain go away for you. Just tell me what I can do to help you. Baby, I'll do whatever it takes. Just please don't shut me out. You've got to keep that beautiful heart open"
"What am I going to do?" Erin asked as she cried.
"We're just going to take it day by day, baby. That's all any of us can do. Nadia knew how much you cared about her and she cared about you just as much" Jay assured.
"I'm sorry" Erin said as she pulled back to look at Jay.
Jay shook his head "It's ok, Erin"
Erin nodded as the hot tears continued to roll down her cheeks "Please don't leave me"
"Baby, I'm not going anywhere" Jay assured.
Erin leaned back into Jay as she started to sob into his chest again. After a few minutes Jay leaned back against the bed and pulled Erin's slender frame down with him. Erin tightened her grip around Jay sure that if she let go of him that she'd lose him too.
Jay sat up long enough to toe his dress shoes off and slip Erin's black ballet flats off of her feet and grab the quilt folded at the bottom of the bed before laying back down next to his wife.
Jay quickly unfolded the blanket and draped it over Erin as he started to rub her back again.
Jay felt Erin relax in his arms as she started to drift off she whispered "I love you, Jay"
Jay smiled for the first time all night as he leaned in to kiss Erin's forehead and reached up to brush the hair off of her face as he spoke.
"I love you, too. You're my girl, Erin Halstead. And you always will be"
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The sound of Erin's heels on the floor as she walked towards the front of Holy Name Cathedral joined the soft chatter and music that played over the sound system. She gave a slight smile when she saw Ruzek and Burgess in the second row of the pews. Erin found two empty spots at the pew in front of them and moved towards them with Jay carrying Everly behind her.
"Hey guys" Ruzek greeted. His voice low as Erin and Jay sat down.
"Hey" Erin said softly as she took the diaper bag Jay had sat on the ground and pushed it under the pew and out of the way of foot traffic.
Ruzek looked over at Kim who was looking a little pale and ran his fingers over the back of her hand before taking her hand in his.
"You ok?" He asked raising his eyebrow at her.
Kim nodded "Yeah I'm fine. Just think that Subway for breakfast wasn't the best idea. Not really agreeing with me"
Adam nodded and raised his and Kim's joined hands to his lips and kissed her fingers.
"I'm sorry, darlin"
Kim gave Adam a slight smile and looked in front of her at Erin who had her gaze on Nadia's closed casket. Purple and white roses were draped over the casket and Kim watched as Erin took a shaky breath.
Kim reached her hand up and touched Erin's shoulder and gave it a squeeze for support. Erin turned her head back to look at the girl who'd become one of her best friends over the last year and smiled.
Everly started to whine on Jay's lap and he adjusted her on his lap so that she was facing him, his hands were under her arms and he held her so she was standing on his legs.
Everly spit her binky out and her smile lit up her blue eyes as she looked at her daddy. Jay smiled and pulled Evie to him and kissed her chubby cheek.
Everly spotted Kim behind her and squeeled with delight as Kim smiled at her. Jay looked over his shoulder at Kim who held her hands out in an unspoken gesture to take Everly from him.
Jay nodded and Kim stood up and reached for the 4 month old. Burgess lifted Everly up into her arms and placed a kiss on the baby before sitting back down.
"Hello pretty girl" Burgess said as she cuddled Everly against her. "Don't you look so pretty in your dress. Did your mommy pick that out?"
Everly babbled as she looked at Kim.
"Oh really?" Kim said back as Evie stopped babbling.
Jay reached behind him to Kim with Evie's pink binky and soft baby blanket in his hand. Kim took it and held the binky against Evie's mouth as she took the binky between her tiny lips as Burgess draped the blanket over Evie's body and she started to sway side to side in her seat.
The preacher walked up the steps as the music turned off and the chatter settled to silence as everyone waited for the preacher to start talking.
The preacher took a look around the room before he started to speak.
"Nadia Christine DeCotis was born November 14, 1995 in Indianapolis, Indiana the daughter of Greg and Helen DeCotis. Sister of Nathan and Caroline DeCotis. Nadia is a testament to overcoming trials in life. It is at times such as this that we are sure that no one else as ever experienced the pain and loneliness that we feel. That no one understands what we are going through. Although it is true that no one knows exactly how we feel, others have experienced the devastation of the loss of a loved one"
The preacher took a breath before continuing.
"Life is filled with many unexplainable things. Perhaps we are never more aware of that fact than when we are faced with death. We view death as a curse, even as an enemy. Death always seems to catch us unprepared. Today is such an occasion. When someone dies at such a young age, so unexpectedly, we are faced with some troublesome questions and feelings. Grief tends to make us turn inward with questions.
"We ask the question, "How did they die?" While such thoughts are natural they prove themselves not particularly helpful. How a person died is not nearly as important as how they lived"
"We ask ourselves and others, "Why has this happened?" Yet it is obvious that no one can give a satisfactory answer, because no one knows. When death comes it shatters our plans and it causes us pain. But whatever you are feeling today let me encourage you to take it to God. God is big enough handle your pain and even your anger. The only things that God can't help us with are those things that we refuse to take to him"
"We also hear statements like, "What a tragedy!" But while death is troublesome it need not be a tragedy. Death is inevitable for all of us but tragedy only for the unprepared. The truth is that each of us in turn will meet death. We are not give a choice about whether to meet death, or even when we will meet death, only how we will meet death. Faith is how we can make sure that our death is a triumph not a tragedy"
"I believe that Nadia is at peace. And while we grieve for losing her, I hope that we may find ourselves rejoycing in the time we had with her. Such a zest for life and the embodiment of overcoming your addictions and setting your life back on track. Nadia's life may have been cut short. But as you look at these four candles in front of you I'd like to read you a poem.
The first candle represents our grief.
The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
This second candle represents our courage.
To confront our sorrow,
To comfort each other,
To change our lives.
This third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed,
The times we cried,
The times we were angry with each other,
The silly things you did,
The caring and joy you gave us.
This fourth candle we light for our love.
We light this candle that your light will always shine.
We cherish the special place in our hearts
that will always be reserved for you.
We thank you for the gift
your living brought to each of us.
We love you.
We remember you.
The preacher looked down at the crowd "I understand that Nadia's friend had somthing they want to say. Trudy?"
Trudy stood up and made her way to the steps and up the stage the paper in her hands shaking as she made her way to the podium.
Trudy looked down at Nadia's casket and then out at everyone.
"My name is Trudy Platt, I'm sure that the majority of you know that. But if you don't I should let you know that I was Nadia's hero. A hero in the truest form. She looked up to me in a way that I can..."
The sound of Mooch coughing and clearing his throat caused Trudy to pause. She looked down at the paper in her hands and crumpled up the paper.
"I'm just going to say what we're all thinking. "This sucks" and I don't want to stand up here and tell you that I don't feel angry or hurt or bitter about losing Nadia. She was a good kid, she was going places. And I don't say that about a lot of people. She managed to worm her way into the unit and into my life. And I loved that kid. I don't know the answers, I don't know why only the good die young. I don't know why. All I know is that Nadia taught me a lot in the short time that I have known her. She taught me that every day is a gift. And if you want something, you fight for it. She taught me that just because life may cause you strife it also makes you strong. And Nadia was strong. She'd have been a damn fine police officer and It breaks my heart to know that she'll never get the chance to show her gifts with the rest of the world. I can only say that I loved Nadia, I know that I gave her a hard time, but she was and I can't even believe I'm using past tense...was the best. And I'm just sorry I never got the chance to tell her"
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One Week Later
Kim stood at the bathroom sink tapping her foot impatiently. She looked down at the little stick sitting innocently on the counter and she checked her watch again. Three more minutes.
Kim rubbed her neck tiredly as dozens of thoughts swirled through her mind. What would she do it she was pregnant? She and Adam weren't ready for a baby right now. They'd just gotten engaged, they weren't ready for this.
As much as she wanted a family with Adam, they just had too much on their plates right now to handle a child.
A sudden forceful knocking on the door startled her and she jumped slightly. Her hand absently swiped along the counter and the stick that had been resting on the edge fell, splashing into the toilet.
"Damn it!" Kim muttered as she turned to glare at the offending noise. "Do you mind? I'm trying to use the bathroom." She snapped loudly in the direction of the door.
"Kim, open the door!" Erin's frantic voice sounded from the other side. "Please, it's an emergency."
Kim walked over to the door and yanked it open, glaring at her friend with narrow eyes, then turned to walk back to the toilet.
She sighed as she reached down to scoop the now useless test out of the water.
"I'll just be a second Erin. Then it's all yours."
Erin rushed into the room after her and grabbed her arm.
"Kim, I don't need to use the bathroom."
"Then where's the fire then?" Kim growled as she threw the stick in the trash, tossing the empty box beside it.
"Kim, it's Adam!"
Kim turned to look at Erin for the first time. The frantic look in her eyes made Kim swallow hard and her stomach lurch.
"What about Adam?" Kim asked as she grabbed onto Erin.
"Something's happened. Jay just called. They were walking down the street and they ran into Roman."
Kim felt her blood go cold.
"He and Adam started fighting and Roman was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and Adam was arrested."
Kim felt her legs collapse beneath her and she slumped onto the side of the tub, her eyes slamming shut.
"Kim? Are you all right?"
Kim opened her eyes and they were welling with unshed tears.
"Yes!" She said calmly, almost too calmly as she stood and strode out of the bathroom. "I have to get to the police station."
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Kim walked into the police station with a determination Erin had never before seen. Erin hurried to catch up with her as she approached the front desk.
"Where is he, Platt?."
Platt looked at her for a long moment before she spoke.
"Burgess, you can't see him. It's not possible"
"What do you mean that won't be possible?" Kim asked incredulously. Her head was beginning to throb and her patience was wearing very thin and Platt behind the counter was not helping.
"He's in the process of being booked. You'll have to wait until that's finished." Platt dismissed her rather abruptly and Kim leaned forward, slapping her hands of the front of his desk.
"Look, Platt!" Kim said through clenched teeth as she looked at the black ribbon in memory of Nadia on her badge. "My future husband is in this building being booked you say for something. I don't know what it is and I want to see him. You can't deny me access to him."
"Kim," Erin warned in a low voice and she put her hand on Kim's arm as she silently prayed Kim wouldn't do something to get herself thrown in jail.
"Actually I can Burgess." Platt stated matter-of-factly, her tone annoyed. "Now why don't you have a seat and I'll let you know when Ruzek is booked."
"What is he being booked for?" She asked in a slow deliberate voice.
"Well there's a list of things. Aggravated assault and battery with the intent to do grievous bodily harm and if Roman dies, they'll probably add murder to it."
Kim gasped and covered her mouth with her hand as she stumbled backward. Erin helped to steady her.
"I want to see him, Platt!" Kim replied angrily after regaining her balance.
"I told you already Burgess…."
"I don't care what you told me. I want to see him right now"Kim spat.
"Look, I am not going to tell you again. Sit down and I will let you know when you can see the prisoner." Platt explained.
"Do not call him that!" She growled as Alvin came through the door.
"What's going on here?"
"Alvin!" Kim gasped as she rushed toward him.
"What happened? You have to let me see him? Is he all right?" Kim's words tripped over one another as she grabbed onto Alvin's arm frantically.
"Kim, calm down. He's fine, I guess." The troubled look in Alvin's face clutched at Kim's heart like a giant fist.
"What do you mean you guess? Tell me Alvin!" Kim demanded as she tightened her grasp on his shirt. She was shaking and Alvin put his arms around her.
"Kim, he almost killed Roman today." Kim's eyes slammed shut. "Roman was just admitted into Chicago Med and he's in critical condition. If he doesn't make it…?" Alvin couldn't complete his sentence, the thought just too horrible to imagine.
Kim buried her face in Alvin's chest as she began to sob.
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Alvin led Kim upstairs to his desk and handed her a tissue as she sat down.
"Please Alvin, I have to see him."
"Kim, I can't. He's being booked. It shouldn't take much longer."
Commander Fisher came out of his office scowling as he noticed Kim sitting at Alvin's desk.
"Alvin, you know better than to let her up here. Not when she's off the clock"
Kim's eyes narrowed at him and she bit her tongue, knowing that anything she said at that moment would most certainly not be complimentary.
"Kim's here to see Adam."
"Well I hope she plans to wait a long time. He's going to be here for quite a while."
Without another word, Commander Fisher walked back into his office and shut the door.
Alvin looked at Kim and shrugged his shoulders.
"You know him Burgess. Mr. Sunshine."
Kim only half smirked, it was all the enthusiasm she could muster. She sighed heavily and rubbed her temples.
"Are you all right Kim? You don't look very good. Do want some water or something?"
She shook her head. "No, Alvin. Thank you though. I just want to see my fiance."
Alvin reached out and squeezed her shoulder gently. "It shouldn't be much longer Kim. I have to run to the hospital to see how Roman is doing. I'll tell Platt to let you in to see Adam once he's done. Okay?"
Kim clasped his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at Alvin and she smiled sadly.
"Thanks Alvin."
Alvin grabbed his hat and headed toward the front of the station while Kim sat back and closed her eyes.
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Kim glanced at the clock on the wall again. It had been 45 minutes since Alvin left and came back and no one had come to take her to see Adam.
"I'm going over to the courthouse." Kim reached for her purse on Alvin's desk.
"Kim just wait a minute. Let me see what I can find out before you go rushing over there."
Kim tapped her foot impatiently while Alvin made his call. Kim felt her stomach lurch as she though about Adam all alone in the courtroom, probably thinking that she wasn't there to support him.
Kim looked in the direction of Commander Fisher's office. Through the window in his door she could see him standing, gazing out the window. The urge to go back in there and slap him again overwhelmed her and she looked away as Alvin hung up the phone. His face was grim.
"What?" Kim barely whispered over the lump in her throat.
"He's on his way back now Burgess. The arraignment's over."
"What happened?"
"He was charged with aggravated assault and battery and attempted murder."
Kim's knees collapsed beneath her and she fell into the chair that luckily was right beside her.
"Oh my God!"
"Kim, that's not all." Kim looked up, her tears starting to slide down her cheeks.
"What else?" She asked in a defeated tone.
"Well, Roman is still critical. The doctor's say he's in a coma and they don't know if he'll make it yet. Kim, he looked really bad."
Kim nodded her head; the last thing she wanted to think about right now was Roman.
"Alvin, no offense but I'm more concerned about Adam right now. What's going to happen to him?"
"Kim," Alvin said more sternly, "if Roman doesn't make it, Adam will be charged with murder. He might get involuntary manslaughter because killing him was probably not what Adam intended but still, this is very very serious Burgess."
"No!" Kim choked as she leaned forward and vomited into the trashcan beside the chair she was sitting in.
Alvin handed her a tissue so she could wipe her mouth as she sat up, her breathing labored. He walked to the water cooler and got a small cup of water and knelt in front of her. He handed her the water and took her other hand in his. His heart broke at the agony in her eyes.
"Kim, they set his bail at fifty thousand dollars."
"Alvin, we don't have fifty thousand dollars. What am I going to do? I can't let him stay in jail. I can't." Kim cried as she reached out to him and clutched his shirt again.
"I know Kim. I don't know what to do. I don't have that kind of money either otherwise I'd give it to you." Alvin swallowed before he said his next sentence.
"I don't know what to do" Kim said as she fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Let me see what I can do Kim. We'll think of something. I won't let him stay in jail. I promise you."
Alvin lifted his hand to her face and wiped her tears with his thumb.
"Kim, I have to ask you something. Something Commander Fisher said was true."
Kim's eyes flared at him and pushed his hand away from her face.
"Kim, relax, please listen to me." He sighed and he stood before he continued. "He was right about Adam in one sense. Not the useless part, but the violence part. Adam has never been a violent person. You have to know what made him go after Roman like that. Why would he beat him senseless? It just doesn't make any sense."
Kim bit her lip worriedly as she debated how much to tell him.
"Kim," Alvin's voice was soft and reassuring. "Please tell me what you know. I want to help Adam but I can't if I don't know why he did this."
Kim closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She would do anything to help Adam. Even if it meant revealing the most horrific moment of her life.
"All right Alvin, I'll tell you."
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Adam sat on a cot in the corner of the cold gray cell. His head was tilted back against the cement wall and his eyes were closed, his breathing even and slow. He wrung his fingers together the way he had seen Kim do a million times when she was nervous or agitated. He felt the tears that he'd been holding back all day start to burn his eyelids.
All he wanted at that moment was to feel Kim's comforting arms around him, to hear her soothing voice in his ear telling him that everything would be all right. The only thing was Adam didn't feel like anything would be all right again.
Where was she? Someone had to have called her and told her what happened. He had hoped to see her at the arraignment but at the same time he was afraid to see her, afraid of what he would see in her eyes. Would she understand or would she be livid at him for not keeping his promise to not go after Roman.
Adam shook his head and sat forward. He never promised her he wouldn't go after Roman. He told her once before he wouldn't make her a promise there was no way he could keep. He had intended to try though for her sake. Not coming in contact with Roman had made it easier. But the second Adam saw him; all the rage that he had successfully buried surged to the surface.
Adam looked down at his hands. They were shaking and his right one was bandaged in white gauze, small specs of blood could be seen beneath. Adam closed his eyes again. His face was still throbbing. He had asked the guard for an aspirin when they returned from the arraignment but he never brought it. It had been over a half hour and now the throbbing had turned into a dull ache, an ache that Adam felt would never go away.
When Adam had caught sight of himself in the glass doors of the courthouse he had been horrified at what he saw and not just physically.
There was a hollow look in his eyes that was unmistakable; a look that revealed how truly far down he had sunk. When he saw Roman that afternoon all he had wanted to do was kill him. The thought of what Roman had done to Kim, and the horrible bruises on her body from Roman's strong fingers caused Adam to start trembling with anger.
He had effectively blocked the whole thing out of his mind after all this time. Not seeing or hearing of Roman had helped him to not think about it on a daily basis the way he had originally done. The longer it had been, the less he thought of it. The happier he and Kim were the less he thought about it. It all came back to Kim. Everything always did. She was his life and the thought of her hurt or in danger made him physically ill. The thought that he failed to protect her made him want to empty the contents of his stomach right here and now. That was another thing that Adam had effectively blocked out. His guilt. That's what so much of this actually came back to; the guilt he felt at not protecting her.
The shaking of his body continued the more he thought about it and the fury he felt coursing through his body frightened him. He breathed deeply trying to calm himself. Fury had been the only emotion that surged through him as he had lunged at his coworker several hours earlier. How had he ever gotten to that point? The point where you're so enraged that you actually believed you could kill. How does a person go from being a non-violent person to one who could kill with his bare hands without so much as a second thought?
Adam heard the distinct jingle of keys unlocking the cell bars and then the squeak of the cell door opening. He opened his eyes and came face to face with Alvin.
Alvin walked over to him silently and handed Adam a glass of water and two huge pills.
"I thought you might need these." Alvin said softly as Adam gratefully took the offering.
"Thanks Alvin. I guess that lovely new guard of ours forgot about me."
Adam tossed the pills into his mouth and gulped down the water. He stood up and walked over to the tiny window covered with bars and looked out at the parking lot.
"Adam," Alvin started, not sure what to say.
"Look Alvin, if you're going to tell me what a horrible person I am and ask me how I could I possibly do what I did, do me a favor and save your breath. I'm just not in the mood for it right now"
"That's not what I was going to say Ruzek. I know why you did it and to be very frank with you I probably would've done the same thing."
Adam looked at Alvin and shook his head.
"I don't think you have any idea why I almost killed Roman this afternoon Alvin, but thanks for the sympathy." Adam spat angrily.
Alvin looked at Adam, his gaze never wavering.
"Kim told me everything."
Adam looked at Alvin and knew that he did indeed know and mouth fell open in surprise. Kim had been the one to insist that no one ever know.
"I'm so very sorry."
It sounded lame and contrite but it was all he could say. Adam looked away ashamed.
"Yeah, me too Alvin. Good old Adam, he can't even protect his fiance from her coworker."
"That's not what I meant." Alvin walked over and put his hand on Adam's shoulder. Adam shrugged his hand away.
"Adam, why didn't you come to me? I could have done something."
Adam spun around to face him.
"Don't you get it Alvin? She didn't want anyone to know. She begged me not to go to you. She begged me to just let it go." Adam's anger dissipated slightly as his shoulder slumped. "And I can't deny her anything. You know that Alvin. I'll do anything she asks of me, even if it kills me."
Alvin stepped forward and pulled Ruzek into his arms. Adam stood stiffly in his embrace for a moment before he finally relaxed and wrapped his arms around Alvin, thankful for his arms, someone's arms. Thankful for the comfort he so desperately needed at that moment.
"I screwed up really badly Alvin and I think I've just ruined my life." Adam sighed audibly; glad there was someone there he could finally talk to. "I'm going to rot in prison for a long time to come and there's nothing I can do to change that fact. I should have known better than to get too comfortable and happy with Kim. Now look at what we have to look forward to, monthly conjugal visits if we're lucky. But she may hold out for that, don't ya think Alvin?" Adam scoffed.
He pulled away from Alvin and turned back to the window, desperately trying to hide the fear and pain in his voice but failing miserably.
"Why don't you ask her yourself? She's waiting to see you."
Adam turned quickly, his eyes hopeful for a moment.
"She's here?" he asked, a hitch in his voice.
"Yes, Ruzek. She's been here the whole time.
Alvin smiled sadly.
"Well, you'll just have to see for yourself. Let me go get her. You should be out of here soon, the paperwork is just being finished now."
"Wait a minute? How am I getting out of here? My bail was set at fifty thousand dollars, Alvin. Kim and I don't have that kind of money."
"Um, I don't know" Alvin lied.
"Where did the money come from?" He asked as his eyes narrowed.
"You should probably talk to Kim about that." Alvin responded as he began to back out of the cell.
"Alvin," Adam growled.
"She put her engagement ring up. It was appraised at thirty five hundred and Jay and Erin and I put up the rest." Alvin admitted.
"How could you let her put her ring up?" Adam asked.
"Ruzek, it's just being used as collateral for the bail bondsman. And it's not like I could stop her. You should know better than anyone when she sets her mind on something, nothing will change it."
Adam nodded silently acknowledging the validity of his statement.
"As long as you don't get your bail revoked or skip town, nothing is at risk. You know Adam, I hope you know how truly lucky you are. Burgess loves you very much."
Adam nodded his head again. He knew and he was so infinitely grateful.
"I know Alvin. I can't believe I've done this to her."
"Well let me go get her. She threatened to kill me if I took too long in here.
Alvin winced as he realized his choice of words and he turned to walk out of the cell but Adam's voice stopped him.
"Alvin," Adam paused for a moment before he gained the courage to ask his question. "How is Roman?"
Alvin turned and faced Adam, his face grim.
"He's in critical condition. That's really all I know right now."
Adam nodded as he turned back to the window silently.
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Adam heard the door to the cell open again and he knew it was her. He could feel her and he recognized her soft breathing. It was a sound he spent many nights listening to and memorizing and a feeling of calm suddenly descended upon him. He wanted to turn and open his arms, dying for her run into them. He needed her at that moment like he had never needed anyone in his life and he felt his eyes begin to water as he fought to keep him emotions in control. He had to. For her sake.
Kim stepped into the cold dark cell. The sun outside was setting and it cast a deep orange hue over the room through the small window. Adam was standing at the window, his back to her and Kim felt her breath quicken as she fought to keep the tears of relief at finally seeing him at bay.
He was in one piece. She didn't care how he looked as long as he was there with her, safe and sound.
Kim stepped closer to him. She knew he knew she was there. She could tell by the way his stood. His stance was tentative; almost as if he feared her reaction and Kim's eyes fell to the floor for a moment before she looked up at him again.
"Adam." She said his name softly, the soft smooth sound of her voice traveled over his aching soul, soothing it, and he turned instantly, needing her in his arms.
Kim gasped at the sight of his battered face. He hand flew to cover her mouth as her hot tears slipped from her eyes.
Adam felt his heart crack as he opened his arms and held them out to her.
Kim rushed forward and into his arms, burying her face in his chest as she sobbed. Adam wrapped her protectively in his embrace and buried his face in her hair careful not to disturb his nose.
Kim clung to him as he murmured softly against her hair.
"I'm so sorry Darlin'. I'm so sorry."
They stood there holding one another for a long time; long after the sun had set outside the window. Kim's sobs slowly became whimpers and finally subsided and she pulled away from him, sniffling, her wet swollen eyes looking up at him. Adam lifted his hands to her face and wiped the last remnants of her tears from her cheeks.
Kim covered his hands with her own and Adam bent his face to hers. His lips brushed hers tentatively and Kim's arms slid around his neck and pulled him closer for a deeper kiss. Fresh pain exploded and radiated throughout his entire face and Adam sucked in his breath, breaking the kiss.
"Oh, Adam, I'm sorry." Kim responded as she stepped back from him.
Adam pulled her back into his embrace not willing to let her go just yet.
"It's okay Burgess. We just have to be careful."
Kim reached up and with gentle fingers and touched his nose softly, then lightly traced the bruises under each eye. Fresh tears began to well in her eyes.
Adam cupped her face in his hands and pulled her lips to his. "Shhh, it's okay darlin'. I'm okay." Adam kissed her softly again and she let him lead the kiss ever mindful of his nose.
Finally Adam pulled away and rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed.
"I love you Adam," Kim whispered as she looked up at him, her soft chocolate eyes full of love.
"I love you too, Burgess. So much." He whispered hoarsely, her scent, her taste, and the feel of her surrounding him like a warm blanket.
"Good," She whispered again as she shoved him in the chest hard.
"Now what the hell were you thinking?" She asked as Adam stumbled backwards, his eyes popping open.
"Kim?" He gaped as he rubbed his chest lightly.
"Adam, why did you do this? You promised me you'd let it go. You promised me you wouldn't go after him." She spat at him angrily.
"Kim, I never promised you that. I never did!" he shot back at her just as angrily, still stunned from her outburst.
"Why couldn't you just let it be?" Kim spoke more to herself than him as she began pacing the small cell. "Everything was so good. Roman has always tried to ruin everything good between us."
Adam watched her wring her hands together as she spoke and his heart clenched at her words. Her diamond twinkled in the dim lighting from the ceiling and his heart sank even further in his chest as he thought of what she had done for him.
She was right. Damn it, why was she always right?
"Kim, I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. I had no intention of ever going after him because you asked me not to. But when I saw him today I just snapped. It was the most frightening moment of my life Burgess."
Kim stopped pacing and turned to face him just as he slumped onto the small cot in the corner.
"I've never been a violent man, Kim. Sure, I've lost my temper before and thrown my fists without thinking, but I've never deliberately tried to kill someone and today I did." He admitted quietly, ashamedly. "It scared me so much Kim and now I don't know what to do. Roman may die and if he does, I'll go to prison for a long time and I don't know how to even contemplate that"
Kim walked over and sat next to him, taking his hand hers.
"Adam, don't say that!" She commanded softly. "I don't want to hear you say that. Roman is going to be fine and we are going to get past this."
"How Kim?" He asked as he pulled his hand away from hers. "How are we going to get past this? Even if he does live, I'm still going to be tried on battery charges. I highly doubt I'll get probation Burgess. I'm going to lose my badge over this."
"We'll figure it out. We always do.." She grabbed his face in her hands, ever mindful of his nose and turned his face to hers. "And you have to believe we will get through this. You have to."
Adam pulled her into his arms as he leaned back against the wall.
"What did I ever do to deserve you?" He whispered as he kissed her temple softly. "I am so sorry Kim. I know how much Nadia's death has hurt you and I promised myself I would do anything to never see you that hurt again. And look at me now. I did just what I vowed I'd never do."
Kim laid her head on Adam's chest, his strong heartbeat beneath her ear calming her fears by the second.
"Adam that doesn't matter. None of that matters. All that matters is that we'll get through this together."
"I'm scared Burgess. I'm really scared." Adam admitted softly.
"Me too Adam. Me too." Kim admitted just as quietly.
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Jay stood in the kitchen as he drank his coffee watching the newest addition to the Halstead household inhale his dog food.
"Jeez Kane, were you hungry?" Jay asked as the 8 week old puppy finished up his bowl of food almost as quickly as Jay had dumped it in his dish.
Kane licked his lips and wagged his tail as he walked over to Jay. Jay knelt down and ran his hand over Kane's head. Jay sighed as he looked at the dog, by the looks of Kane's build and paw size the German Shepherd puppy was going to be massive.
Jay could hear Erin in the living room as she nursed Everly.
"You be a good boy for her today. No chewing up anything you're not supposed to. She needs a good day"
Kane looked towards to living room and whined as if he understood what Jay was saying.
"See you later buddy"
Jay stood up and walked into the living room as Erin laid a napping Everly in her swing and turned it on.
"Er, I'm heading out. Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
Erin shook her head as she looked down at Everly.
"No, I'm fine"
Jay nodded and looked at his wife. Something inside him told him that things with Erin weren't what they seemed. He knew her and he knew that this was the calm before the storm. He could feel it in his bones. Perhaps he'd talk to her about going back to see Dr. Sullivan. Maybe he'd be able to get through to Erin.
"Well, I'm heading out. I'll see you tonight. I love you"
Erin finally looked over her shoulder and he exhausted eyes looked at her husband.
"Bye. I love you"
Jay nodded and turned on his foot and walked out the door.
Erin walked over to the window and watched as Jay pulled out ot the driveway. She gave a quick look at Evie in her swing before walking over to her purse and digging through it. Erin pulled the small pill bag filled with white powder out and held it in her shaking hands.
Everything inside her was screaming for her to do it. That this would numb the pain she was feeling. It wasn't that much and one time wasn't going to hurt. She wasn't going to get addicted, not again. She just needed to feel better and this was going to help her...wasn't it?
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Thoughts?