48. We All Want What We Ain't Got

Thanks so much for the reviews everyone. I really appreciate them. Sorry for taking a little longer to update this time. But I've made up for it with a longer chapter. I also wanted to thank all of you for your kind words regarding my author's note in the last chapter. I wan't trying to fish for compliments or anything. It was just out of frustration, but we've all been there I'm sure. And the Linstead news from the Q & A the other day kind of put me in a deeper funk. Almost crossover time...Hope you like the chapter. Parts are RATED M.

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Adam wasn't sure what he was going to do when he saw Roman but his first instinct is to wrap his hands around Roman's neck and strangle him until he blacked out.

The next was to beat him until he was bloody and lifeless. The only thing that prevented him from doing that very thing was the likelihood that he would end up in prison if he did. Conjugal visits were not the kind of intimate moments he wanted to share with Kim their first year of marriage.

With every passing second, Adam could feel his rage building and, unable to stop himself, he took a step toward the house.

At that moment he heard a feminine voice behind him.

"Hey Ruzek. How was the vacation?"

Adam turned to find a smiling Nadia approaching him. He attempted a smile for her benefit.

"Hey Nadia. It was amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't have brought Kim back if I hadn't had to."

Nadia laughed and stopped next to him.

"Erin said that very same thing just yesterday. I must say I'm surprised to find you here and not at home doing more of what you probably did all week long." Nadia smirked as she nudged Adam with her hip.

"Believe me Nadia, that's exactly what I'd be doing if I didn't have business to take care of." Ruzek explained

"So, what are you doing here? If you're looking for Roman, you missed him. He left this morning."

Adam's head snapped toward Nadia.

"What do you mean he left?" Adam's voice raised an octave as he gaped at Nadia.

"He left for California."

Adam's eyes narrowed as he fought to control his breathing.

"He went to rehab. Jenn took him this morning."

Adam looked back at Roman's house a moment hoping his rage would calm. It didn't. He turned to Nadia again who noticed his demeanor.

"What is it Ruzek?"

Adam shook his head to clear it.

"Nothing. I've got to go Nadia. I promised Kim I wouldn't be long."

He patted her shoulder affectionately before he strode toward his car.

"See ya Ruzek." Nadia responded, thinking that he was acting really strange. Must be the lack of sleep Nadia snickered to herself.

Kim yanked the door open hoping that it was Adam and he just forgot his keys. As she came face to face with Nadia her heart dropped, but she fought to maintain a smile.

"Hey Nadia."

"Hey lady." Nadia greeted her. "You look like you were hoping I was someone else."

Kim stepped back and let Nadia enter the house.

"I just thought you might be Adam."

They walked into the kitchen and Kim headed toward the fridge.

"I know I saw him at Roman's about an hour ago."

Kim stopped in her tracks and turned to Nadia with a stricken look on her face.

"What happened?"

Nadia looked at her with confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"What happened when Adam saw Roman?" Kim asked frantically as she approached Nadia who had plopped herself into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Kim what are you so panicked about? Roman wasn't even there."

Kim slumped into the chair next to Nadia and she exhaled in relief, the panic in her heart subsiding a little.

Nadia watched the emotions racing over Kim's face and reached her hand out to place it over Kim's.

"Kim, tell me what's going on. Why are you so upset that Adam went to see Roman?"

Kim pulled her hand away and started wringing her fingers together.

"No reason. I just didn't know he was going over there."

Nadia nodded silently. "Well you don't have to worry about Adam finding Roman anytime soon. He left for California this morning."

Kim didn't even look up. She just stood and walked over to the counter.

"Do you want some lemonade Nadia?"

"Sure." Nadia answered. "Did Roman not tell you guys he was going to rehab? Adam seemed pretty shocked when I told him about it too."

Kim tried to keep her voice level but her shaking hands, as she carried the two glasses of lemonade to the table, failed to conceal her rattled nerves.

"I don't think he mentioned it. He could have but with the wedding planning and everything I just don't remember it."

Kim placed Nadia's glass in front of her and Nadia watched her critically.

"My God Kim, what's wrong? You're shaking like a leaf."

Kim sighed as she glanced at the door, desperately wishing that Adam would walk through it

"It's nothing Nadia. Really."

Nadia decided not to push the issue and that a change in subject was in order.

"So, enough about Roman, tell me about your vacation."

Kim's face relaxed and her eyes softened as she smiled. Nadia reached out and slapped the table.

"And don't leave anything out missy. I live vicariously through the two of you. And Erin and Jay, but the boring parents aren't as fun as you guys now"

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Kim sat on the front porch swing at Hank Voight's watching the road; hoping against hope that Adam would pull into the driveway. He'd been gone for over 4 hours, the sun was setting and Kim was getting extremely worried about him. Although she had been relieved when Nadia told her that Roman was gone, she knew that Adam must have been furious.

Kim wanted to throttle Adam for going to Roman's. They needed to have a long talk about everything when Adam got home. They had avoided the topic on their vacation, but now that they were home, it was time to get back to reality and deal with the aftermath of Roman's attack.

Erin opened the front door and walked out with Evie in her arms.

"Still no sign of Adam?" Erin asked cautiously.

"Nope. He probably just got hung up." Kim tried to convince herself of that as much as she tried to convince Erin. Erin nodded, not wanting to comment.

"Are you sure you don't care to babysit? I know you just got home and are probably tired. I'll completely understand if you don't want to" Erin said as she bounced Everly in her arms.

"And miss hanging out with this chick? Never" Kim looked up at Evie and made a face at the baby girl who smiled and turned her head into Erin's neck.

Erin and Kim laughed at Everly and Erin placed a kiss on her daughter's head.

"So, where's Hank?" Kim asked.

"He's out with Olivia" Erin said sitting down on the porch swing.

"Again?" Kim asked. "That's twice this week"

Erin nodded "I know it. I just don't want him to get hurt"

Kim looked out at the street and nodded "Do you think it's that serious between them? I mean they could just be friends"

Erin shrugged her shoulders and bounced Everly on her knees. "I don't know. I just know that I haven't seen Hank like this in a long time and it kind of scares me. He's not been happy like this since Camille died"

Kim looked down at her hands and then at Erin. "Everyone deserves to be happy. It's hard to go through life with burdens and heartache and scars and not be able to share that load with someone else"

Erin's brow narrowed as she looked at KIm "Are you ok?"

Kim shrugged her shoulders "Not really"

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Erin said looking at her best friend.

"I know. but It's nothing for you to worry about. It's your date night and I know that you don't get many of those. And I need some serious cuddles with this chunky monkey" Kim said reaching for Everly.

Erin was about to respond when the door opened and Jay stepped out. "You ready? I don't want to miss Jurassic World"

Erin rolled her eyes as she handed Everly over to Kim.

"We will be back. If you need anything just call"

"Or don't call" Jay added as he walked over and knelt down to place a kiss on top of Everly's head.

"Gotcha" Kim said as she watched Jay walk to the porch steps.

Erin knelt down and kissed Everly on the cheek. "Call if you need us"

Kim nodded as she watched Erin walk over to Jay. Erin took his hand and they descended the stairs.

"We'll see you later. I'm sure Ruzek will be home soon. Just don't let him make a mess this time" Jay said looking over his shoulder

"I can't make any promises" Kim teased as she used Everly's hand to wave bye to Erin and Jay.

Kim watched them get in the car and drive away. She sighed and glanced at her watch. Her eyes narrowed. Adam was going to be in big trouble when he finally decided to show his face.

Everly gurgled on Kim's lap and Kim shook her head "Your Uncle Adam is a dead man"

And with that Kim stood up with Everly and walked into the house, slamming the door behind her.

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Adam pulled into the driveway of Voight's and shut the car off. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel while he gained his courage to go inside. He knew Kim was going to be furious. He was three hours late and he could almost see the steam coming out of her ears from where he was sitting in the driveway.

He'd went for a drive to clear his head, to try to shake off some of this anger before he came to help babysit. He ended up in Wicker Park and ran into Dawson and Casey, and the three went to Molly's and a had a few beers.

Adam was so torn inside, the emotions in his heart conflicting directly with the thoughts in his head. He was so angry he wanted to explode. He wanted to kill Roman and he never in his life ever felt that way about anyone.

At the same time he wanted to adhere to Kim's wishes and just let it go. He would do anything for her but this one request was an almost impossible task.

He breathed deeply and exited the car. He walked up the steps and opened the door.

Kim was sitting on the couch, She was reading a book and she looked up at him as he shut the door.

Her eyes registered relief but she kept her face solemn and she didn't get up to greet to him.

She wanted to run to him and throw herself in his arms and kiss him mindlessly. But she also wanted to throttle him for not coming home for four hours and then when he did, he was disheveled and she could tell by the glazed look in his eyes that he'd been drinking.

Kim put her book down and folded her hands on her lap. Adam cowered slightly under her gaze and with a look of contrition he walked over to her. She wasn't about to make the first move and nor should she. He knelt down in front of her and laid his head on her lap.

"I'm sorry, darlin'." He whispered.

She rested her hands on his head and thread her fingers though his hair as she fought the overwhelming urge to either bend down and kiss the top of his head or slap him upside the head. As much as she wanted to do the first of her thoughts, she wasn't going to give in to him that easily.

"Adam, where have you been?"

He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her thigh softly.

"I went to see Roman."

"I know. Nadia told me. But that was hours ago. Where have you been since then?"

The warmth of her skin comforted him a bit as he felt her gentle fingers begin to massage his scalp softly.

"I went for a drive. Met up with Dawson and Casey. They're getting married, did you know that?."

Kim's fingers stopped their movements.

"I did, yes. But don't change the subject. Why didn't you want to come home Adam?"

Adam didn't answer her at first, ashamed of his reasoning. Kim asked him again, this time her voice more demanding. But soft as to not wake the sleeping infant in the Rockaroo a few feet away.

"Adam, why didn't you come home?"

Adam lifted his head and looked up at her.

"Because I knew you'd be disappointed in me."

Kim felt her heart constrict and she placed her hands on his cheeks.

"Adam, why would I be disappointed in you?"

"Because I couldn't stop myself from going to Roman's. I tried Burgess. I really did but I just couldn't."

Kim felt the anger, which had dissipated with relief when he walked through the door rise again.

She released his face and stood. She started to Ruzek around the living room.

"Adam, do you have any idea how worried I've been about you?"

Adam got to his feet and walked over to her. He tried to put his arms around her and she shook his arms away.

"Don't hug me right now Adam. I'm furious at you."

Adam tried to hide the hurt he felt as she shook him off.

"I know Burgess. You have every right to be."

Kim turned to face him.

"Adam, this has gone on long enough. We have to talk about this. We avoided it on our vacation but now it's time to deal with it."

"Deal with what Kim?"

"Adam," she warned in a low voice. "You know damn well what I'm talking about. You need to let this go."

"I want to kill him Kim." Adam admitted, his voice barely a whisper as he sank onto the couch.

"Adam," she gasped. "Don't say things like that."

Kim walked over and sat next to him. She took his hands in hers.

"I know you're angry. I am too. But we can't let him win. Don't you know this is just what he wanted?"

She pulled their intertwined hands onto her lap.

"Please look at me, Adam?"

He looked up, his eyes dark.

"He wanted this to hurt us Adam. That's exactly what he wanted. He wanted this to cause a rift between us. He knew I'd tell you and that you'd want to go after him. And he knew that I'd beg you not to and that we'd argue about it. He knew it wouldn't matter because he was leaving before we got back from our vacation and that there would be nothing you could do to him because he was gone." Kim's eyes implored him to understand. "We can't let him affect us Adam. We have to let this go and move on."

Adam didn't say a word, his eyes just darkened even further.

"Adam, he didn't rape me. You have to stop acting like he did."

Adam pulled his hands away and stood up abruptly. He began to pace the room furiously.

"I can't believe you're saying this Kim. He tried to rape you. He hurt you and frightened you and put bruises on your body. I can't just let him get away with it." Adam huffed out a frustrated breath. "We should go to Voight with this and have his ass arrested."

"No." Kim responded strongly.

Adam turned to her, the shock at her reaction evident on his face.

"Why not Kim?"

"Because I just want to put this behind us Adam. I don't want anyone else to know about this." She insisted.

"Kim, do you really think we can just put this behind us? Pretend like it never happened? Do you even remember the night you told me?"

Kim stiffened at his mention of that night, a night that was ruined by Roman.

"Adam, I'm sorry our night was ruined. I don't know what you want me to say here."

"No! Don't you apologize to me. You have no reason to apologize. I want to let this go Kim. I really do. I don't want to be haunted by images of my fiance with bruises on her body, crying and shaking in my arms. I just don't know how to let it go." Adam stopped pacing for a moment and tried to catch his breath before he continued. "And it's not like we can just move on and never see Roman again. We live in the same town for Christ's sake. We share the same circle of friends. Chicago seems so small at times and maybe we won't see him right now, but we will see him. We can never escape him."

Adam's voice continued to rise as he spoke. The anger and hurt and guilt he felt coming out with each word.

Kim's heart broke as she watched him.

"I can't look myself in the mirror and know that I wasn't able to stop him from hurting you and then I did nothing to make him pay for it."

Adam picked up a picture of everyone from District 21 at Erin and Jay's wedding. The happy, smiling faces of everyone in the black and white group shot made Adam's stomach turn. He held it with shaking hands before he threw it against the wall.

The sound of glass shattering woke a sleeping Everly and her cries filled the living room. Kim looked at Adam and over at Everly before walking over to the Rockaroo and lifting Evie out.

The tears that had been welling in Kim's eyes spilled down her cheeks as Kim soothed a crying Everly. Adam placed his hands on the mantle to steady himself. Kim walked up behind him and wrapped a free arm around him, her hot tears wetting the back of his shirt.

Adam turned around and wrapped her in his embrace, burying his face in her hair.

"Adam, please. You have to let this anger go. It's tearing you up inside. Don't let it tear us apart."

Adam lifted his face to look at her, his eyes fierce.

"He will NOT come between us Burgess. I won't let him do that. I'll kill him first."

His words frightened her. They were said with such intensity; Kim knew he was telling the truth.

She pulled him over to the couch and she pushed him down. Before placing a now settled Everly back in the Rockaroo and turning it on.

Kim walked back over to the couch and sat down next to Adam.

"I'm so sorry, Burgess. I've never felt this much anger in my life. It scares me." Adam admitted honestly.

"Adam, time will heal this. For both of us. As long as we have each other and we trust and love each other, we can get through anything. Even this."

Adam wanted to believe her so much. He doubted that he would ever get over his rage and guilt, but he would try for her. He could deny her nothing and if she wanted him to heal with time, by damned he would try with every ounce of strength he had in him.

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Erin breezed through the door on Sunday night with an armload of shopping bags. "Jay!" she exclaimed, as if she hadn't seen him in days.

"Hey, Er." Jay greeted his from his spot on the couch, where he'd been vegetating in front of the television for hours. "Are you finally shopped out?"

"Never," Erin said. "It's after nine…the stores have all closed." She grinned.

"Threw you out, huh?" Jay said. He yawned and changed the channel with a click of the remote.

Erin put her bags down on the kitchen counter and looked at the clock. "Where's Hank?"

"Working with Olivia Benson" Jay said raising an eyebrow.

Erin perched on the arm of the couch and pulled the clip out of her hair, letting it tumble around her shoulders. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Sleeping late and going car-hunting with Ruzek," Jay said. "He wants to trade his Jeep."

"Again?" Erin wrinkled her nose. "Didn't he just trade eight or nine months ago?"

"Yeah, well, you know Ruzek."

"Unfortunately," Erin said. "Will you be back after lunch?"

"I can be," Jay said. "Did you want to do something?"

"Let's meet at Molly's for drinks. Maybe about three?" Erin smiled evilly. "I want to beat you at pool again."

"You wish," Jay said, winking at her. "Sure, sounds good."

Erin got up and collected her shopping bags, taking them upstairs to the bedroom. Jay could hear her humming as she rustled paper and opened and closed drawers. He stretched and sighed. Holiday weekends were the best. He had another whole day to relax and enjoy life. He reached over and turned the lamp off, plunging the room into semi-darkness.

Jay must have dozed, because the next thing he knew he was being startled awake as his wife straddled him and sat down on his lap, her face six inches from his. "Wha-?" He blinked groggily.

"Hey," Erin said, her dark eyes bright with mischief. He noticed that she had changed into a long t-shirt; her bare thighs were clenched around his hips. "You should come to bed."

She was pressed against his groin, and he felt the beginnings of a serious hard-on. She would soon feel it, too, if she sat on him much longer. Still half asleep, he asked, "Why?"

"You were snoring," Erin answered. She leaned closer to him. "Are you wearing after-shave? You smell good." She began to nuzzle his neck, and he drew his breath in sharply as her breasts pressed against his bare chest and her nose teased the sensitive skin underneath his ear.

"Er," he protested. He knew that the boxers he was wearing were doing nothing to hide his obvious arousal. His cock now felt as hard and heavy as an iron bar against his stomach.

Erin drew back and looked at him, her eyes heavy-lidded. Jay could see the clear outline of her nipples poking against the thin cotton of her white shirt, and it was all he could do not to lower his head and begin suckling frantically at them through the material.

"Jay," Erin said softly, "can I have a good-night kiss?"

He was caught between insensible desire and wondering what the hell she was up to. He had never known Erin to be deliberately provocative before. He pulled in a ragged breath and murmured, "You can have anything you want."

Erin shifted, rubbing slowly against his engorged cock, and reflexively he slid his hands underneath her t-shirt and grabbed her bikini-clad ass.

"Oh…shit" Jay groaned. He'd never been this close to shooting off in his pants since he'd been an incessantly horny teenager.

Erin leaned into him and captured his mouth, gently licking at his lips until he opened to her. At the same time, she ground herself against the prominent bulge in his sleep pants. Jay moaned into her open mouth, kissing her fiercely and squeezing the globes of her ass. Is this really happening? he thought, dazed.

Erin adjusted her position, and he could feel her heat and wetness through the thin lace of her underwear as she continued to stimulate her clit by rubbing against him. She broke away from his mouth to gasp for air. "Ohh…ohhhh fuck," she groaned, moving faster. "Jay…"

Jay arched his back, providing more pressure, breathing harshly as he watched her face change. The only thing that could be better than this was actually being inside her, feeling all that heat engulf him, feeling her squeeze him and milk him dry. His entire body was throbbing with need, and he realized that he was close to coming himself. He eased a finger inside her panties from behind, tracing a trail from the crack of her ass to her swollen core. She was wet and hot, just as he knew she'd be.

She cried out shrilly as he penetrated her with his finger, and she clenched her muscles around it, moaning softly. "That feels so good," she whispered, shuddering. "Oh, yeah…Jay...Jay...I'm" Her body convulsed, and he could feel the strong waves of her climax pulsing around his finger.

Her soft cries and moans sent him over the edge, and he spasmed underneath her, his hot semen wetting the thin cloth of his boxers. He was sticky and sated and thoroughly intrigued. Jay watched Erin as she caught her breath. "I have to say-that was the best and most interesting good-night kiss I've ever had," he told her.

"Come upstairs cause there's more where that came from" Erin whispered and kissed his cheek.

Jay groaned and leaned in to kiss Erin. The sound of Hank's car pulling in front of the house and killing the ignition killed any hope of Jay having fun.

"One More Month" Jay thought as he tried to remind himself that it was only one month until he and Erin would be in their own home. Then he could do with her what he wanted. And Oh, the things that Jay Halstead had planned for his wife.

Erin climbed gently off his lap. "We'll finish this tomorrow, okay?" She smiled at him and sauntered off to Voight's stairs.

"Tomorrow," Jay muttered as he watched Erin walk up the steps.

The sound of the keys in the front and Hank stepping in caused Jay to sigh as he looked at the clock.

"Do you know what time it is?" Jay asked looking at Hank as he tossed his keys onto the table.

"You got a point, Halstead?" Hank asked as he loosened his tie.

"I was just wondering what kind of work you had to do with Olivia Benson at midnight" Jay said.

Hank was quiet and a small smile formed on his lips as he thought about the dinner he had with Olivia and Noah. Hank smiled sadly as his gaze listed to the picture of him and Camille on the mantle. He'd not felt this way since he'd lost Camille. And that scared him. How was falling for a woman who lived 800 miles away, with a son who'd stolen a piece of Hank Voight's heart.

"It was just dinner" Hank said.

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" Jay teased.

"Goodnight Halstead" Hank said with a sigh as he turned to go upstairs.

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ONE MONTH LATER

Erin lay on her side on the living room floor. The television was broadcasting a colorful cartoon in the background and Everly lay on her blanket, staring up at her mother. Erin sang along to the music in a playful voice, tickling Everly's tummy and the baby kicked her feet excitedly.

"Honey I'm home," Kim grinned as she dropped her purse on the floor of the living room, dropping to the baby's side. "How is my favourite baby girl today?"

Erin giggled as the baby squealed at Kim's voice. "Tell Aunt Kim you're her only baby girl, aren't you Evie?" she cooed. The baby squealed again and Erin held her hands, nibbling her tummy.

"She is such a happy kid," Kim grinned.

"Yes she is," Erin acknowledged, still tickling her Evie's belly. She heard the front door open and she looked at Everly, her mouth in an O of fake surprise. "Who's home?" she asked Everly, who's eyes were huge with her mother's surprise. "Is it your daddy?"

"Hey guys," Ruzek sighed, dropping to the couch, in exhaustion.

"It's only Uncle Ruzek," Erin sighed, dancing Everly's feet to another song.

"Nice to see you too, Erin," he said, sarcastically.

"Tell your Uncle Ruzek not to have an aneurism," Erin told the baby. "We just thought daddy might be home, didn't we Evie?" Everly shrieked and grabbed Erin's hair in both her fists.

Kim laughed as Erin attempted to pry open the baby's hands and moved to help her friend. "Don't hurt your mommy, Evie," she laughed, kissing the baby's fists. The door opened and three new voices could be heard as shoes and coats were removed.

"That has to be your daddy," Erin grinned, walking her fingers up the baby's body. "Daddy's home. Say hi to Daddy," she squealed, in an excited voice, the baby's eyes, just as wide as her mother's. Everly took a deep breath and let out a great yell. Erin looked to the door and laughed at Jay's stunned expression.

"What a welcome," he finally laughed, bending down to kiss the kicking baby's head. "You're wired, today, aren't you girl?" She panted excitedly, her only way of communicating, and grabbed Jay's nose. "Owie, baby."

Erin gave the baby a gentle nibble on her foot, allowing Jay an escape from Everly's sharp fingers. Nadia and Teddy stood laughing in the doorway as Evie continued to bounce and squeal.

"You'd never know she was only four months old," Teddy laughed, watching his friends play with the baby. "She's brilliant."

"Just like her mommy," Jay grinned, looking at Erin. Erin grinned back and leaned over to kiss Erin.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Hi," he returned, capturing her lips with his. Everly screeched and kicked her feet, catching her parents squarely at their joined chins.

Their kiss ended abruptly as their friends laughed.

"Jealous much," Kim tickled her Everly from her spot above her head. Looking up at her aunt she opened her mouth and yawned. "She's all worn out mom," Kim smiled. Erin looked back at the clock.

"Good because it's almost bedtime." Jay reached down and lifted the baby from her chair, standing up.

"Bathtime, Gorgeous," he smiled, blowing gently on her exposed neck.

"You don't smell very much like a little girl."

"That is an understatement and a half," Nadia laughed, picking up her schoolbag, from it's spot beside Teddy's. "I have a paper to research so I will be in heading home if anyone needs me. Night, night Baby."

"Okay Er," Jay sighed, taking Erin's hand and helping her up off the floor. "Let's go clean this monster up."

"We'll say goodnight after her bath," Ruzek said, waving to Everly.

"'Kay," Erin sighed, moving to the bathroom. Jay followed close behind. Erin prepared the bath while Jay peeled the Everly's messy clothes from her body. She kicked her feet when Jay slipped her into the water.

"So how was your day?" he asked, as Erin dumped a cup of water on the baby's chest.

"We had fun today," she grinned, gently soaping her daughter's body. "We cleaned up the house, and we went to the pond to see the ducks."

Jay grinned, and raised his eyebrows at the baby. "Did you see ducks today?" Everly stuck out her tongue and gasped as Erin poured a cup of water over head.

"I packed some for our move. And we bought your Father's Day present."

"Yeah?" he said, pulling a towel from the cabinet.

"I decided something," she started.

"What's that?"

"I'm gonna give up my spot in Intelligence."

He looked at her oddly. "Are you sure Erin? You love work."

"I love Everly," she told him. "I don't think I'm ready to leave her alone just yet."

"Erin, you don't have to start for another few months and she won't be alone, she'll be with a sitter."

"When she should be with her mother Jay," she defended. "Besides I'll go back to work eventually. When she's older."

"Erin, this is what I didn't want to happen," he sighed, resting his forehead in his hand. "I didn't want you giving up work."

"Jay," she said, becoming angry. "I'm not giving up, I told you that."

"Er, the work and being a mom are two different things," he told her pacing the bathroom frustratedly. "You'll be missing out on something you've worked so hard for."

"I will be giving it up for something I've worked just as hard for, Jay, and something that's even more important to me!" she shouted.

Everly began to whimper and Erin lifted her out of the tub, placing her in a towel. "Work ends, Jay. Everly is forever. I don't want to miss out on the most important parts of her life. She means more to me than that." She brought the baby to her shoulder and began to rub her dry.

Jay sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not going to argue with you Er, you've already made up your mind, anyway. I just think you'll regret it."

She looked at him, frowning. "This isn't about me is it Jay?"

"What are you talking about?" he questioned, angrily.

"You're the one who's regretting this. Instead of spending your nights sucking on a bottle you're feeding one to your baby."

"That's ridiculous, Erin," he shouted. "I am perfectly happy where I am."

"You are not," she shouted back, flinging open the bathroom door. "You resent me for this."

"Why the hell would I resent you?" he yelled after her, following her up the stairs. "You're not making any sense here Erin."

"You resent me for getting pregnant, you resent me for having a baby, and you resent me for staying home while you bust your ass everyday so we can afford to live." She walked quickly into the nursery, hushing Everlyas she placed her on the change table.

"I can't believe you are accusing me of this," he called frustratedly. "You have no idea how I feel Erin."

"Yeah? Well, I'm sure Allie knows. Yeah, you didn't think I knew about your little lunch with her and MY DAUGHTER?" Erin spat. "If you want to go to Allie, fucking go, Jay. Don't let me stop you"

Jay threw his arms up in disbelief "What the hell Erin? Where is this even coming from?"

"Okay Jay," she turned to him. "Why don't you tell me how you feel." She turned back to the baby and began dressing her.

"You want to know how I feel. I'll tell you how I feel." He continued shouting. "I have never been happier in my life Erin. I am finally part of a family. A family that I am proud of. I have a beautiful, smart, incredible wife, who I want to spend the rest of my life with and a perfect baby girl that I love more than my life itself. I am proud to work everyday because I know that you need me. I want you to be proud of me too." His voice grew softer. " I want more than anything else for you to be happy Erin, and I want to make sure that you don't miss out on anything in life because of me."

Erin looked at him, tears streaming down her face. She sniffed and picked Everly up, setting her down gently in her crib. Walking slowly to where Jay stood she pulled him into her arms. "I have never been more proud of anyone in my life Jay," she whispered, through her tears. "You have been amazing through this past year, better than any other guy would have been, and I love you for that. You have made me strong enough to deal with it because I know that no matter what you are going to be here for me." She pulled away and kissed his forehead. "Now I need you to know, I mean really know, that I am not giving anything up. I know better than anyone what it feels like to lose your mother, Jay. I don't want Everly to feel like I'm not there anymore. I want to be here when she wakes up, when she does all the amazing things she's going to do this year and when she needs me. I want to be here for you too. I love being here when you get home from work, I love making dinner, I love watching the Blackhawks games with you on TV, I love being with you." He smiled and she hugged him again. "This is what I want Jay. I just need you to support my decision."

"I will support you in whatever decision you make, I always will. I love you Erin."

"I love you too, Jay," she pulled away when Everly whimpered from her bed. "I don't ever want to fight like that again," she warned him. "God, especially not in front of the baby. We're going to ruin her."

Jay nodded and ran a hand through his hair, walking towards the crib. "I don't like fighting with you either. We just need to make sure that we talk about things that are bothering us." He picked the baby up and rubbed gentle circles on her back.

"Deal," Erin smiled, as the baby yawned. "Now it is way past her bedtime."

"Okay, Monkey," Jay whispered, kissing the baby's head. "Go see Mommy."

Erin took the baby and walked out the door, flicking on the light to her bedroom as Jay followed her in. She took a seat in the rocking chair and began nursing Everly as Jay flopped exhausted onto their bed. When Everly had eaten her fill, Erin laid her in the bassinet, kissing her cheek gently.

"Goodnight Evie-bug."

She looked over at Jay, sleeping soundly across the bed and smiled, peacefully as she pulled the covers over him and turned out the light.

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Erin looked out the window as Jay pulled down the gravel road to the cabin just as the sun was starting to rise. She couldn't believe that she'd agreed to this. Northern Wisconsin? Erin sighed as looked over at her husband who was grinning ear to ear like a school boy. And as much as she hated to admit it, seeing Jay this happy couldn't help but rub off on her.

Erin's gaze fell from Jay to her sleeping daughter in the back seat of the car. Everly had finally given up and fell asleep after crying for the first hour of the trip from her pure hatred of being restrained in her carseat. The silence was a welcome relief as Jay pulled in the driveway and parked the car. And Erin finally saw Jay's family cabin.

The house was luxurious but cozy, ideal for a retiring couple, a year-round retreat, or as a primary residence. The master bedroom had custom granite bathroom, stone fireplace with a woodstove, and wood floors, as well as a wall of high-efficiency windows overlooking the magnificent lake view and mountains. The walls throughout the house are paneled in beautiful knotty pine

The mudroom had slate floors and a closet with a large fire and burglary safe. The living room features cherry floors and a massive stone fireplace. The ground floor is heated by subfloor radiant heat, assuring Erin she'd not be cold, no matter what the weather.

The kitchen has all new stainless appliances, including dishwasher, microwave, and fridge with water and ice in the door. The kitchen features cherry cabinets and beautiful green granite countertops, as well as a gas stainless range with downdraft, convection oven, and a built-in barbeque grill.

The large spa area may just be the selling point for Erin. With granite floors, it had a cast iron tub, toilet and sink, a marble shower with bench that becomes a steamroom with the touch of a button, a sauna with cedar benches, glass-etched door and all the fittings, washer-dryer in a closet, and a flat-screen TV to enjoy while sitting in the tub.

The upstairs of the home features two bedrooms flat panel radiators, assuring warm nights and comfort.

Behind the house sits a heated, electrified and insulated garage with garage door opener. The property also featured an Amish-crafted storage cabin, and a small shed.

The home sits on a hill overlooking a large 12 acre wildlife pond and mountain views. The pond comes with the property and is a wildlife lover's paradise. Great blue heron, geese, ducks, beaver, otter, turtles, frogs, all around.

20 acres of pasture showed a family of deer in the distance. The gorgeous mountain views would be somewhere Erin could see herself getting lost. Especially by the beautiful falling water brook in a mossy ravine, a short walk from the cabin, perfect for quiet meditation.

Additionally, the cabin was surrounded numerous fruit trees, including apple, pear, cherry, plum and apricot, as well as a large fenced vegetable garden.

"Well?" Jay asked as he swayed with Everly in his arms as Erin finished walking around the cabin.

"We'll talk about it" Erin said as she made a face at Evie who laughed at her mother.

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Jay and Erin had spent the day with Everly on the lake. And much to Erin's surprise she actually enjoyed herself. Seeing her husband in a new light and out of the city made her fall even more in love with him, if that were even possible.

Plus the events of the day made their precious daughter exhausted and she was already down for the count for the night.

Erin walked out of the bedroom from putting Everly to bed and down to the living room where her husband was.

"Did you hear me Erin?" He asked as his head cocked to the side, his eyes full of mischief, as he wiggled his eyebrows. "Get your sexy ass over here and lets make our own fire."

"Tell me Jay, do you use that lame line on all the girls?"

Jay stood and placed the grate back in front of the fireplace.

"No, Erin. Only on easy girls like you." He teased as he walked over to her, taking her in his arms and kissing her deeply.

Erin sighed and opened her mouth, giving his tongue the entrance it sought, as she leaned into the warmth of Jay's strong body.

She slipped her arms around his waist and slid her cold hands under his shirt. He jumped slightly as he pulled his mouth away from hers.

"Jesus, Erin! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Jay inquired as she slid her hands a little further up his back.

"I'm just trying to warm my hands up, Jay." A look of mock innocence filled her eyes as she tried to keep from giggling.

"But if you'd rather I go do it at the fireplace-" She started to step away, but he just pulled her tighter against him as he bent his head and growled against her neck.

"You're a tease Erin. Has anyone ever told you that before?"

Jay kissed the spot where her neck and shoulder met and he felt her shudder gently. He smiled against her skin. He already knew all her weak spots.

Erin's head unconsciously tilted back as her eyes drifted closed, inviting him to continue, Jay was more than happy to oblige her.

"Teasing can be fun, Jay," Erin whispered breathily, her body quickly warming under his ministrations.

Jay's lips skimmed across her jaw, approaching her mouth and Erin's mouth opened in anticipation of the kiss. Jay's lips hovered over hers, their breath mingling.

"Yes, it can Erin," He said before he released her.

Stunned momentarily by the loss of contact, Erin quickly recovered and eyed Jay narrowly as he walked back over to stand in front of her.

He had a look of triumph in his face that Erin was determined to wipe off before the night was through. In fact, if she had her way, which she would, the only look he would have this evening would be one of pure ecstasy.

"So, sweetheart, what do you want to do tonight?" Jay asked as he took Erin's hand and pulled her down on the couch beside him. She snuggled into his side.

"I don't know Jay. This is your Father's Day Weekend, remember?"

"Well, we could watch a movie," he offered as he leaned in to sweep his lips over cheek.

"Or, there are some board games in the closet," he continued as his lips brushed her ear and his tongue darted out to skim the delicate outer edge.

Erin couldn't stop herself as a soft sigh slipped through her lips. A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as an image of she and Jay and a game of Naked Twister flashed through her mind.

She shivered slightly as he bit gently behind her ear, his hand rubbing her stomach softly. She could feel the heat of his fingers even through the heavy cotton.

"Or we can sleep, if that's what you want?" He finished as his tongue traveled down her neck to the base where he began to suck softly.

Erin's smile grew wider as she pulled away from him gently and stood up.

"I vote for the movie. You pick it and I'll get the popcorn."

She grinned wickedly at him, his face gaping at her, as she turned and sauntered into the kitchen, giggling under her breath. Two could play at that game.

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Jay and Erin were laying on the couch, both covered by a hand knit afghan as the credits to Gladiator ran across the television screen. Jay was lying on his back and Erin was sprawled over him, half on him, half on the couch, her face resting against his chest. She was crying softly.

"That was so sad. Poor Maximus. At least he's finally with his wife and child."

Jay laughed softly at her, his chest grumbling beneath her ear, as she used his shirt to wipe her eyes. His arms tightened, pulling her closer.

"Erin, is there any movie you don't cry at? It was a Gladiator movie for Pete's sake." He said as he flipped the television off.

She sniffled and lifted her head to look at him, a pout on her lips.

"It was a love story Jay. He's finally going to be with his love again."

He leaned his face down to her and kissed her gently.

"God, I love you Erin." He chuckled as she bit his bottom lip softly.

"So, what do you want to do now Jay? Watch another movie?" Erin murmured against his lips as her hand slid down from where it lay on his chest to rest just above the waistband of his jeans.

She felt the muscles in his stomach quiver under her fingers and she pressed her lips harder against his.

Jay's hand snaked up her back and his fingers buried themselves in her silky hair as he moaned into her mouth, his other hand rose to cup the side of her face.

Erin's hand slipped lower to cup him through his jeans and she squeezed him gently but firmly.

He groaned a little louder and his hand reached down to still hers. Erin lifted her head from his, her breathing labored, and she looked at him questioningly.

Jay, also struggling to regain his breath took a deep breath and sat up, pushing her gently up with him.

He saw the question in her eyes and he caressed her cheek.

"I think we need to get more comfortable." He said as he stood up grabbing two pillows and the afghan from the couch. He laid them on the floor in front of the fireplace. He then went to the closet to get another blanket and placed it on the floor next to the pillows.

He sat down and held his hand out to her, beckoning her to him.

Erin smiled as she rose and walked to him, dropping gently to her knees in front of him. He rose to kneel in front of her also.

"I take it you don't want to watch another movie," she teased as his hands skimmed up her arms and over her shoulders to cup her face.

He ran his thumbs lightly over her lips and he looked deeply into her eyes.

Her tongue slipped out and slid over his thumbs leisurely and she saw his eyes darken in response.

He pulled his thumbs away and lowered his mouth to hers.

"No more movies," he grumbled against her lips as his clasped possessively over hers.

They both opened their mouths simultaneously, their tongues seeking each other's softness.

Erin's arms slid up over Jay's shoulders and around his neck, where her fingers teased the hair at his nape.

Jay's hands fell from her face and his arms encircled her, pulling her flush against his body.

Erin tilted her head further back as Jay deepened the kiss, their tongues meeting each other's over and over,

Jay's hands slid under Erin's shirt coming in contact the warm skin at the base of her spine.

His fingers slid circles over the soft skin and Erin trembled against him. Her arms slid down his back and under his shirt again and she pulled her mouth away from his just long enough to lift his shirt over his head.

She tossed it on the floor next to the blanket and reached for him again, pulling his mouth to hers for another searing kiss.

Erin loved feeling this way. She felt so free and safe and secure.

With Jay she felt sexy for the first time in her life. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her, she felt beautiful and sexy and sensual and wanted; so wonderfully wanted.

All she had to do was look into his eyes and she could see how much he wanted her, how much he loved her and it made her giddy. Never in her life had Erin ever been giddy, at least not until Jay Halstead got a hold of her. And damn, did he have a hold on her. Literally.

Erin felt Jay's grip tighten as he pressed himself against her, making sure she knew exactly how she affected him.

His hands, the ones that had been drawing circles on her back, slid to her hips and up under her shirt. In one swift motion, he lifted it over her head, allowing their lips to part for only the briefest of seconds.

Then his mouth was on hers again, stealing the breath from her.

Erin's hands slid up the vast expanse of his chest and she scraped her fingernails lightly over his nipples. When he was aroused, Jay's nipples were extremely sensitive and his hips bucked against her as she felt him swell even more.

Jay's hands fumbled with the clasp of her bra as he fought to free her breasts from their confines. Jay broke the kiss to concentrate on his task, and once Jay had accomplished it, he pulled the garment from her body, exposing her to his eyes. They darkened even more.

Erin's beauty still astounded Jay. His breath caught in his throat as his hands splayed over her ribcage and slid up to cup the full mounds in his hands. He swept his fingers over her nipples and Erin's head fell back, a moan escaping her still swollen lips, as she arched into his palms.

Jay guided her onto her back as Erin's hands slid down his back and over his butt, pulling him against her. Jay moaned against her as Erin's hands snaked around and pulled on the snap of his jeans. She yanked the zipper down, not so gently, and slid her fingers into his boxers.

Jay bit her neck in response and she cried out again, not from pain, but intense pleasure. The sensations coursing through her body were almost unbearable. She felt the wetness pool between her thighs.

As if reading her mind, Jay's lips began traveling her torso, placing open-mouthed kisses on the skin of her abdomen. When he reached her belly button, he thrust his tongue in and out, mimicking the thrusting he would be doing inside her body very shortly.

Erin moaned at the sensation, sending another wave of wetness to her throbbing core.

Jay's hands deftly unsnapped her jeans and slid them, along with the silk scrap of lace she wore beneath, down her legs and off.

He looked up at Erin who was now leaning on her elbows looking down at him. She smiled at him, the love in her eyes almost blinding him.

He lowered his mouth to her as his tongue darted out to skim across her. Her hips arched up toward him as she sighed his name.

"Jay," she cried softly as his tongue began to rub circles over the delicate lips moved lower and his tongue delved into her moist depths.

She bucked against his face, silently begging him for more as she slid her fingers into the short strands of his soft hair.

Jay slid a finger between her folds as he continued to assault her tiny nub. He added another finger and her hips began to buck as she came dangerously close to orgasm.

Her hips bucked widely against his face as she rode her orgasm to completion, Jay never relenting until her body was trembling softly beneath his mouth.

He raised his head to look at her. Her eyes were closed, she was panting, a look of pure bliss on her beautiful face and he smiled to himself knowing he put it there.

He removed her thighs from his shoulders and kissed a path up her body, stopping to again dip his tongue into her navel, at each breast and at the hollow of her throat to suck the skin softly.

Erin sighed his name again as his mouth traveled over her jaw and his lips covered hers. She could taste herself on his tongue and lips and she opened her mouth a little wider, allowing him to delve a little deeper.

Feeling wonderfully loved, Erin decided it was time that she showed Jay how truly loved he was as well.

She pushed up on his shoulders, guiding him over so he fell on his back on the blanket. She straddled his waist as she began placing gentle kisses all over his face. He sighed contentedly as he lay there enjoying her ministrations.

Her lips skimmed over his jaw, her tongue darting out to tickle his skin. She kissed her way down his throat and over his biceps. Her fingernails again scraped his nipples and he moaned her name as his hands grasped her hips, more to steady himself than her.

Her lips reached one nipple and she licked it then drew back to blow on it softly; the cold sensation of her breath against his wet nipple driving him mad. She did the same thing to his other one before moving lower.

Her lips traveled over his hard stomach, again feeling his muscles quiver beneath her. She reached the waistband of his boxers and slid her tongue along the very edge, dipping beneath the elastic every few inches.

Jay groaned and arched his hips, begging her to release him. Before she did, she slipped her hand into his front right pocket and pulled out the item she knew was there. She felt it earlier when they were snuggled on the couch.

She looked up at him with a teasing look in her eye and spoke the first words since they had retreated to the floor.

"Only one Jay? This is going to be a really short night then."

She bent her head and nipped him through his boxers. His already throbbing erection surged in response.

"I have more in our room," he choked out. "I have a whole box in our room."

She laughed seductively as she bent to nip him again, his hips bucking.

"I don't think we'll use the whole box tonight Jay, but it is a long weekend"

Jay was unable to respond. He was too lost in the sensations she was creating.

Her eyes never left his as she slid his jeans and boxers off and tossed them aside. She laid the condom on the blanket next to them as she focused all her attention on him.

She slid her tongue over the tip, licking away the beads of moisture pooling there. A sound mixed somewhere between pleasure and pain, tore form his lips as she enveloped his head in her mouth.

Jay knew that if she continued much longer, this would be over before it started, so he tugged lightly on her hair, which was their silent signal that she should stop.

She released him from her mouth and looked up at him through heavy lidded eyes. He reached for her and pulled up so their lips could meet.

Erin straddled his waist, her core resting against his midriff as they kissed lovingly. Jay's hand skimmed down her back and settled on her butt, squeezing her cheeks for a moment, then one hand blindly reached for the condom beside him.

In one motion, he flipped them over so, Erin was on her back and he was nestled between her thighs.

He nibbled her bottom lip for a moment before sitting back on his heels. He tore open the condom and slid it over his aching cock.

Erin smiled as she watched him, the throbbing between her legs growing stronger. He braced himself on his hands as he lowered himself to her, his cock at her entrance.

Jay looked at Erin for a few moments, just savoring her beauty. He bent to kiss her as the head of his cock slipped between her folds.

"I love you," they both said simultaneously as he slid all the way into her.

Jay never imagined that it could feel this good to be inside of a woman. He'd been inside other women, but what he felt when he was inside Erin was unlike anything else he had ever felt. It was more than just the physical. He felt like he was entering her soul.

Erin moved beneath him, urging him to start already and he began moving within her, sliding in and out of her heated depths. Erin's legs wrapped around his thighs as she moved with him.

Jay's lips skimmed down her throat, sucking the skin softly then soothing it with his tongue, enjoying the taste of her sweat covered skin.

Erin's hands raked up his back and her fingers threaded themselves in his hair, massaging his scalp softly.

Briskly they moved into a rhythm that had them both moaning into each other's mouths, each of his thrusts feeling like they were going deeper than the last.

Jay's hips thrust against hers, his pace increasing until they were both grunting and breathing wildly.

Jay's lips were everywhere it seemed, kissing and sucking on her shoulders, neck, face and finally returning to her lips. Erin sucked on his tongue hard.

Erin closed her eyes enjoying the sensations as she felt herself getting closer. Jay felt her muscles beginning to contract around him and thrust even harder.

Jay broke the kiss to concentrate on his movements. Erin's body began trembling violently as the orgasm tore through her, her breath caught in her throat, Jay's name on her lips.

The tightness surrounding him, the velvet walls gripping him like a velvet glove, urged Jay over the edge and his large body shuddered and collapsed onto her, his breath heaving.

"Erin." He muttered as he emptied himself into the condom.

The both lay there, their breathing slowing and the sweat on their bodies drying. Neither one wanted to move. Neither one wanted to lose the contact, not even for a second.

Finally Jay, noticing her shallow breathing, lifted himself on unsteady arms. He looked down at her contented face and his heart swelled with love.

Erin reached her hand up to caress his face as he bent to kiss her one more time. He rolled off her and pulled her with him so they lay facing each other.

Jay removed the condom and tossed it in the wastebasket by the fireplace then he grabbed the other blanket and draped it over both of them.

He pulled Erin into his arms again and she snuggled against his chest.

"I love you Erin," he whispered against the soft skin of her forehead.

"I love you too Jay," she murmured before drifting off into sleep.

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Jay sat bolt upright and turned toward the shrill sound that had invaded his sleep. His eyes, for the second time that night, focused on the digital clock on the nightstand, noting that it was just after midnight. The phone on the table beside him rang again and Jay grabbed it quickly, hoping it didn't disturb Erin.

"Hello," he said urgently into the phone as he looked over at Erin, who was blinking softly as she struggled to wake.

"Jay?" Atwater's voice came through the phone.

"Atwater, what are you doing calling here this late at night?" Jay asked as Erin sat up, a worried look covering her face.

"Jay, there's been an accident."

"What happened?" Jay asked sitting up in bed.

Atwater took a deep breath from the other end of the line. "Nadia was driving home from class and a drunk driver ran a red light and hit her. Jay...she didn't make it"

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Try to maybe not hate me too much, right? Right?

Please Review!

Also, Jesse's birthday is tomorrow so...special thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Soffer for bringing their son into this world to visually please me.

Also,

Do you agree with Erin's decision to not want to go back to work? Or do you think she's making a mistake?