61. Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter. It always means so much that you guys don't only take the time to read, but to also review. I hope that you like this chapter.
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It was Tuesday, No wait, it was Thursday. That's all she knew. And here she stood in her black knee length dress looking in the distance. Numb.
Numb to everything around her. Every movement. Every voice. Every sound.
All she could think about was all the firsts:
The first time she'd seen the two pink lines that would change her life forever.
The first time she saw that little blip on the sonogram machine.
The first time she'd felt that first kick against her hand.
The first time she'd seen six pounds and four ounces of living, breathing proof that there was in fact a God.
The first time that sweet voice called her "Mama"
Had she known all those firsts would one day be lasts, she'd held that sweet girl and never let her go.
How did this happen?
Sunday they were at a picnic, something that was an ordinary thing that people do every single day. But that day was the day her life would be forever changed.
It was an accident. The woman had just picked her own daughter up and was driving to the park to enjoy the day. She'd tried to stop in time, she honestly did. But it all happened too fast.
All too fast.
The story of Erin's life.
How was she supposed to go on with her life? How? This pain was overwhelming. She physically hurt from it.
Raw
Real
Suffocating
How could she go out in front of all these people when she couldn't find the strength to put one foot in front of the other.
"Erin?"
Erin didn't even flinch as she felt a hand grasp her shoulder.
"It was a beautiful service" Kim offered.
"Thanks" Erin replied. Her gaze not leaving the setting sun in the horizon.
"The flowers were really beautiful. Amazing turn out. You've got a lot of people supporting you and Halstead" Trudy Platt added.
"Yeah" Erin said.
"Erin..." Gaby Dawson started as she stepped towards Erin.
"I'm fine" Erin said shaking her head.
Gaby stepped back a moment before stepping towards Erin again.
"I know that I don't know how you're feeling right now. None of us do. But I know that when I had my miscarriage I..."
Erin turned her head and looked at Gaby. "Could you please not make this about you?"
Gaby nodded and exhaled before taking a step towards Erin. "All I was going to say was, when things like this happen. I try really hard to make sense of it all. I don't know why things like this happen. But I do know that Everly loved you so much. And God, I know how you love her. And I know what happened to me isn't the same as what happened to you, but I'm always here if you want to talk. Always"
Erin nodded and looked at Gaby. "Thank you"
Platt stepped towards Erin and put her arm around her. "Jay said you didn't leave Evie's side"
"How could I?" Erin asked. "I mean I owed it to her. Look what happened when I walked away for a minute"
"Erin. This isn't your fault" Trudy assured.
Erin shook her head "I should've been there. If I had been there this wouldn't have happened. It never would've happened. If I'd just taken her to the bounce house"
Erin's voice shook as she clinched her eyes shut to keep the tears from falling. "I just don't understand"
"Erin" Kim started.
"Don't" Erin said as she stepped away from the small white casket and started walking away. "I don't want to hear it"
"Erin" Kim called as she, Platt, and Gaby walked after Erin.
"Why?" Erin asked as she turned around. Tears streaming down her face. "How much more do I have to take? It wasn't supposed to be like this! It was NEVER supposed to be like this. Am I that terrible of a person that I deserve this? That Jay deserves this?"
The three women stared at Erin. All unsure of what to say to her as she started to break down.
Jay spotted Erin from where he was standing by the black town car talking to Olinsky and Herrmann. He excused himself and quickly walked over to where Erin was.
"Er" Jay started as he walked towards Erin.
"I'M FINE" Erin screamed. "I'M FINE, BUT MY DAUGHTER ISN'T. WHY?"
"Erin" Hank said as he walked up to her.
"No! This is your fault" Erin spat. Venom in her voice. "You did this. She's dead because of you. I. Hate. You"
Hank stepped away from Erin and felt the reassuring hand of Olivia on his back.
"Erin" Jay said walking towards Erin and reaching for her. "It was an accident"
"An accident?" Erin said shaking her head. "My whole damn life is one big accident after another and I'm tired of it. I can't take this pain"
Heavy sobs took over Erin's body as she finally took in the crowd that had gathered around her. Each look one of sympathy and she couldn't take it. She felt her knees collapse under her and she fell to the green grass in the cemetery.
Jay felt his own heart break even more as he knelt down to the ground by his wife and wrapped her broken body into his arms. "I wish I had an answer Er. We're going to get through this. I promise you that"
Erin shook her head. "No, we won't. It's never going to be the same. My life is over. She's never going to know how much we loved her. She's never going to know. She doesn't even have her blanket. They never gave it back at the hospital"
Jay felt his chest tighten as Erin sobbed in his arms. He didn't have any words on how to help her. Hell, he didn't know how to help himself. He didn't know how to explain to Erin that life was going to go on, because he wasn't sure how it was going to go on himself.
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Hank's eyes shot open as he looked around the room. He raised his hand up and wiped the sweat off his brow with his hand. He looked around the room and took in his surroundings. The room was quiet and dark the soft moonlight shown through the pediatrics floor.
He looked across the room at Erin who was sitting in the rocker with Everly in her arms. Her gaze looked down at Everly's sleeping features. She hadn't let anyone else take her daughter since they'd come to the hospital earlier in the day.
Guilt.
That's what Hank Voight felt. He had only turned around for a second and Everly was gone. He could still hear the sound of the brakes on the woman's car screeching as she slammed her brakes to avoid hitting Everly.
It was at the last possible moment that Christopher Herrmann had by some miracle grabbed Everly and taken the brunt of the impact from the car. Everly was lucky enough to escape with a few minor bruises and scrapes, but was staying for observation overnight.
Erin had barely said two words to Hank since the accident and he could take it. He'd gladly take a horrific nightmare and Erin's silent treatment over a bad dream coming true.
Herrmann wasn't as lucky as Everly. While not critically hurt, the impact of the car hitting him had caused him to have a few broken ribs, a concussion and a slight case of internal bleeding that they were monitoring but looked like it would resolve itself without surgery.
"I just want to know why you turned your back" Erin's hushed voice broke the silence
"It was just a second" Hank said. "I just turned around for a second"
Erin's gaze didn't leave Everly's sleeping face. "I get that Noah means a lot to you Hank. I think it's great that you're stepping up as a father to him. And I'm honestly happy for you and Olivia, but my daughter is important too"
Hank cleared his throat and nodded. He looked over at Jay who was reclined in another chair asleep in the corner. "It was an accident. Everly is one of the greatest things in my life, Erin. You know that. You know I'd die before I'd ever let harm come her way"
Erin continued to rock Everly and she adjusted the pink blanket over her daughter as Everly stirred in her sleep. "I believe you. I just think it's better if you not watch Everly for awhile. At least not alone"
"Erin" Hank said as he rose from his chair.
If he didn't feel bad enough already, the thought of not being able to see his granddaughter was enough to kill him.
Erin felt tears burning the back of her eyes and she knew if she looked at Hank, she wouldn't be able to keep them from falling. She could've lost her daughter today. The one thing that she lived for. The one thing she'd give her last breath for. She had every right to be mad.
"Erin" Hank said again as he walked the remaining distance to the rocking chair and knelt down beside her.
He looked at Everly asleep in her mother's arms and he couldn't stop the ache that filled his heart. She was here because of him. Because of him the few seconds that he had his back turned were enough to cause the little girl who had him wrapped around her tiny finger pain. And that was something he'd have to live with for the rest of his life.
"Erin, I'm sorry" Hank assured. "You have to know that"
Erin's gaze lifted up to Hank and she finally met his gaze. "If Herrmann hadn't been there"
Hank nodded "I know"
"When I leave you with her. It's like leaving a part of my heart outside of my body" Erin explained. "The fear that I felt was unlike anything I've ever felt in my life"
Hank looked back down at Everly as he listened to Erin.
"Do you remember when you were 15 and Bunny picked you up for a visit and you two were in that car accident?" Hank asked.
Erin nodded "Yeah, I remember"
Hank cleared his throat before continuing. "Camille blamed herself for the longest time because she's the one who told Bunny that it was ok for you to go with her. She didn't leave your side when you were in the hospital"
"I remember spending my whole Summer in a cast sitting on the porch while all my friends went to parties" Erin looked at Hank and sighed.
"We had a lot of good moments that Summer" Hank said with a smile.
Erin nodded "Yeah, it was one of the last few Summers before Camille got sick"
Hank and Erin were silent for a few minutes before Hank spoke. "Erin, I'm so sorry"
Erin traced her thumb over Everly's cheek and she looked at Hank. "I know"
Hank looked at Everly as she stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands and she took her binky out of her mouth and sat up.
"Mama" Everly said laying her head against Erin's chest.
"Hi sweet girl" Erin said rubbing Everly's back. "Did you sleep well?"
Everly nodded and looked over at Hank. "Papa?"
"Hi pumpkin" Hank said as Everly reached her arms out to Hank.
Erin looked at Hank and loosened her grip on Everly as Hank took her from Erin.
Hank lifted Everly up and placed a kiss on her cheek before pulling her into his arms. "Hi pumpkin. You ok?"
Everly looked at Hank and smiled "Papa"
Erin looked at Hank with Everly and watched as he rubbed his hand up and down the back of Everly's hospital gown. She looked over at Jay who was asleep and back at Hank before standing up.
"You ok. kid?" Hank asked as he walked over to his seat and sat down.
"Yeah, I'm just going to go down the hall for a minute" Erin explained.
Hank nodded and continued to rub Everly's back as she sat on his lap. "You sure?"
Erin nodded and stepped outside and she walked down the hall and pressed the button on the elevator.
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Erin pushed the door open and looked inside and she smiled when she saw Herrmann flipping channels on the hospital TV. The sound of the door brought his attention over to the doorway. "Hey"
"Hi" Erin said before looking down at the ground. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm ok. I'd love to have a decent meal. This food will kill a man" Herrmann joked trying to lighten the suddenly tense mood.
"I just wanted to come and tell you thank you" Erin said her eyes welling with tears.
"You don't have to thank me" Herrmann said as he moved to sit up in bed.
"But I do. It's because of you that I still have my daughter and nothing I do is ever going to be enough to repay you for what you did today" Erin moved over to Herrmann's bed and stood next to it.
"Parenting is rough. We have to look out for each other. I remember when my daughter Sydney was around Everly's age. She was home with Cindy and she called me at work and told me that she was at the emergency room with Sydney that I needed to come as soon as I could get there. So I go and Cindy tells me that Sydney fell off the couch during her nap and she had a concussion. They investigated us for child abuse" Herrmann stopped and cleared his throat.
"I never knew that" Erin said.
"It's not really something that we like to talk about. Nobody likes to be accused of something like that. But accidents happen, Erin. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. But there is such a thing as being a hell of a good one and I can tell you without a doubt that you're one of those. It's been an amazing experience to see how that little girl has changed you and I'm proud to know you. You and Jay are two of the best people that I know and I can't wait to see how you two are with another one" Herrmann reached his hand up and took ahold of Erin's hand.
"Thank you" Erin reached her free hand up and wiped her eyes.
"Hey don't cry. I didn't do anything that you and Jay wouldn't have done for me" Herrmann gave Erin's hand a gentle squeeze and dropped his hand back to the bed.
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"Where's your nose?" Dr. Manning asked as listened to Everly's lungs.
Everly smiled and pointed to her nose "Nose"
"Good job." Natalie praised. "Where's your...eyes?"
Everly moved her hand up to her eyes and covered them with one hand "Eyes"
"Great job" Natalie said pulling her stethescope out of her ears and hanging it around her neck.
"Is she okay?" Erin asked as she looked at her daughter and then back at Natalie.
"She's fine. The bruises will heal in about a week and all her scans came back fine. Everything sounds good. If you notice any changes at home then definitely bring her back in. But she's good to go" Natalie explained and she made a silly face at Everly before resting her hand on her pregnant belly.
"Thank you" Erin said as she reached for Everly's summer dress and gently pulled it over Everly's head.
"You're welcome" Natalie said as she made a note on Everly's chart. "Can I talk to you about something that's not really medically related"
"Is it Will?" Erin asked.
"Is it that obvious?" Natalie asked.
"Well, considering that look on your face, I'd say yes" Erin pulled Everly's arms through the dress and handed her daughter a few toys to keep her occupied.
"Will misses Jay and I know that I shouldn't get involved. But I love him and I want him to be happy and I think his brother is what would make him happy" Natalie explained.
"What are you asking?" Erin asked as she ran her hand through Everly's dark hair.
"I was wondering if you'd talk to Jay. Try to convince him that Will isn't the guy he once was. He's doing a lot better and I'm proud of him and I know that Jay would be proud of him too" Natalie put Everly's chart down on the bed as she looked at Erin.
Erin sighed and looked at Natalie. "Jay's stubborn. It's one of the lesser attractive Halstead qualities that I love and hate about him. He and Will have a lot of issues they need to work through and I know that there's a lot of hurt on Jay's side"
"Will's hurt too" Natalie added.
"Yeah, but Will's hurt because of decisions that Will made" Erin said "Choices that in turn hurt my husband and Will's family"
Natalie nodded "I know. I just wish you guys could see the Will that I see. The one who's charming and smart and funny and kind. The father of my child. I think this baby makes him realize just what he's missing out on"
Erin nodded and looked down at Everly. "I'll talk to him. But I can't promise that it's going to do any good"
Natalie's face broke out into a grin. "Thank you, Erin"
Erin smiled and picked Everly up off of the bed before a stong cramp radiated over her pelvis and she gasped and grabbed her stomach.
Natalie's face fell as she looked at Erin and she stepped around the bed. "You ok?"
Erin nodded as she panted and tried to catch her breath. "Yeah. I'm fine"
Natalie looked at Erin and frowned. "How far along are you?"
"Um, about 7 weeks" Erin answered as another wave of pain rolled over her abdomen.
Natalie reached out and took ahold of Erin's arm as the pain caused Erin to sink to her knees.
"How about we get you a gown and get you checked out"
Erin shook her head "I'm ok. I really am"
Natalie looked at the door as it opened and Jay walked in.
"Er?" Jay asked as he quickly rushed to her side. "What happened?"
"I'm fine" Erin assured as she caught her breath. "Just some cramps. I used to get them with Everly. I'm fine"
Jay helped Erin as she stood back on her feet. "You need to get checked out"
"Jay" Erin started.
"No, Erin. look what the last 36 hours has been like. Just go get looked at. We're not leaving the hospital until you do" Jay looked from Erin to Natalie.
"Fine" Erin said as Natalie let go of Erin's arm.
"It's better to be safe" Natalie added.
"I know" Erin said. "But I'm honestly fine"
"Well, we'll just check and see how the baby is" Natalie said.
"I otay" Everly said looking up from her toys at her mom and dad.
Jay and Erin both laughed and Jay picked Everly up off of her hospital bed and raised her above his head "You're so silly"
Everly laughed as Jay brought her back down against his chest and his stubble tickled her neck as he kissed her cheek. "Da-dee"
"Let's get you a gown and we'll check on baby" Natalie said again as she coaxed Erin towards the door.
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Jay turned "Sofia the First" on his phone as Everly reclined back against him. His other hand held onto Erin's as she laid back on the exam table. Her legs in the stirrups the white sheet over her legs as Natalie looked at the sonography machine and moved the transvaginal ultrasound wand around before she saw what she was looking for.
"There" Natalie said pointing towards the screen.
Erin and Jay's gaze looked at the screen at the dark blip that flickered with Baby H2's heart.
"Is it ok?" Jay asked as he placed a kiss on Everly's head.
"Heartrate is good and strong 165 bpm. Very good" Natalie explained as she moved the wand around again and stopped.
Erin noticed the look on Natalie's face and she felt her heart sink "What's wrong?"
Natalie moved the wand around again to get a better picture and studied the screen before looking at Erin.
"You see this?" Natalie asked turning the screen so that Erin and Jay could both see what she was pointing at.
"Yeah" Erin and Jay answered at the same time.
"That's another amniotic sac" Natalie explained.
"What's that mean?" Jay asked.
"It's another heartbeat" Natalie explained.
"Seriously?" Erin asked.
"It's twins" Natalie said her face turning into a smile.
"Twins" Erin repeated.
"What?" Jay asked
"There's two babies" Erin said turning her head to look at Jay.
"What?" Jay asked as he studied the screen again.
"Congratulations guys" Natalie said. "I'll print you some pictures of Baby A and Baby B"
"Two babies?" Jay asked again.
"Are you ok?" Erin asked as she felt Jay's sweaty palm in her hand.
"Yeah" Jay said his disbelief turning into elation as he stood from his chair and kissed Erin. "I love you. I love you so much"
"I love you too" Erin said with a smile.
"I mean am I man or what?" Jay said looking at the picture that Natalie handed him.
"Modest too" Erin said as she dropped her feet from the stirrups.
"I can't believe it" Jay said looking down at the picture.
Jay's eyes drifted from the picture and over to Everly. He placed a kiss on her head and then looked back at the picture.
He couldn't believe his luck. In his hands he held the most important things in his life.
Not one. Not two. But three kids.
Three kids.
Three kids with the woman he loved more than he'd ever loved anyone or anything in his entire life.
Lucky didn't even come close to what Jay Halstead was.
He was blessed beyond measure.
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I hope that you guys liked the chapter. I hope it wasn't too rough on you. Please Review!