5. Chapter 5

Ok so clearly I'm a dingus and I figured out how to find this story. Also didn't realize that most people space out uploading their chapters #oops I already have most of it written so if you're impatient (I feel ya I can barely wait for coffee) never fear. Is it obvious I have no idea what I'm doing? Good. Cheers

Trigger Warning for child abuse.

"Lunch went surprisingly well," Jay commented as they pulled out of the grocery store parking lot. Kate was asleep in the backseat again, absolutely wiped from the new experiences she was having. After they ate lunch in the breakroom with Hank, Kate let the sergeant hold her hand and show her around the district while Antonio helped fill Jay and Erin in on the missing offenders. She gave him a high-five goodbye too, further surprising the detectives with her trust in the typically brusque older sergeant.

"Hank's actually pretty good with kids," Erin replied, "He loves Danny but he's so far away." Her face fell, "He misses Justin, but I think being with Kate today really put him in a good mood."

Jay nodded, "That is always a good thing. Is she still out?" he asked. Erin turned in her seat to see Kate completely conked out in her car seat, head on her shoulder and little mouth slightly open. She grinned and nodded.

"And we found out about a few things she likes to eat, thank god." Erin blew out a breath, "I swear she's going to get so much fruit she may not even like it anymore."

Jay chuckled, remembering how Kate had admitted she liked bananas and strawberries earlier that day. They stopped at the grocery store on the way home to purchase the fruit in addition to other groceries in hopes of giving Kate as much food as she needed to grow. "Well, let's see if she likes vegetables and steak. That's real growing food."

"She's your daughter. Of course she's going to like steak," Erin joked, "But we didn't get any. We got ground beef and a chicken."

"Shoot." Jay sighed. "Okay, tonight we're trying out Italian. Pasta with a Bolognese sauce and a salad," Erin looked at him with raised eyebrows, "What?"

"She's a kid, Jay. Kids don't eat salad."

"So I'll sauté some mushrooms. We'll figure it out." Jay laughed at the face Erin made in regards to the mushrooms. "Okay, broccoli."

The couple managed to get the sleepy little girl up to apartment with all the groceries, though Jay had to take another trip to the Sierra to retrieve all the items they bought to decorate Kate's room. Kate had woken up in the elevator and was tiredly resting on Erin's shoulder as she made her way around the kitchen, putting various groceries away. "You had a big day, huh?" Erin asked, kissing the top of her head.

"Uh-huh." Kate responded, sleepily rubbing her eyes. She was starting to doze off in Erin's arms as the detective moved around the kitchen, her soft humming lulling Kate into a state of relaxation.

"Got everything." Jay said breathlessly, entering the apartment with his arms full of bags and the bathroom stool. He set everything down beside the couch before turning to his girls. "How about I get dinner started? Some pasta and veggies?"

"Good idea, babe." Erin smiled, leaning against the fridge, gently running her fingers through Kate's hair. "Maybe while Jay gets dinner ready, we get you in the bath, hmm?"

Kate's eyes snapped open and her body went rigid with fear. "B-bath time?" she asked, voice wavering and eyes filling with tears.

"Just to get you nice and clean before dinner and bed." Erin said, "I think you have a little whipped cream in your hair from this morning."

"No bath, please." Kate pleaded, pushing away from Erin, "Please." Jay and Erin exchanged worried looks.

"Why not, baby?" Erin asked, still holding Kate in her arms despite the little girl's distress.

"I don't like it in there," She begged, tears now steadily running down her cheeks, "Please no bath."

"Did something happen to you in the bath?" Jay probed, now standing in front of Erin and his rapidly unraveling daughter. Kate nodded and burst into tears, covering her face with her hands.

"I'm sorry!" She wailed, tiny shoulder quaking, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Oh, sweetheart." Erin felt her heart clench as she held the child closely, gently rubbing her back. "You don't have to be sorry for being worried about the bath."

"P-please don't make me sleep, I'm sorry!" Kate wept, "I-I'll be good, I'm sorry."

"Shh, we're not going to make you sleep, Squirt." Jay stroked her cheek, "We just want to know why you're so upset."

"They hurt me in there!" Kate cried, "And-and in the hospital when I was s-scared, they made me sleep!"

"That's not going to happen here, baby." Erin soothed, "I am so sorry that happened to you, but you're safe with me and Jay." She looked at her partner, "Maybe a shower would be better?"

"Y-you're not gonna make me sleep?" Kate whispered, Erin's question not registering as she looking from Erin to Jay and back nervously, "Really?"

"No, no." Jay promised, "We have to eat dinner. Do you think a shower would be okay? Erin could help you."

Kate nodded slowly, drying her eyes. "I'm sorry," she croaked, burying her face in Erin's shoulder, "I didn't mean to cry."

"No need to apologize." Jay kissed the top of her head and then Erin's. "How about I make dinner and Erin can help you in the shower? I know we got some cool bat-I mean shower toys."

"Okay." Kate mumbled, her breath finally evening out.

Erin set up the stool in the bathroom and placed some of the bath toys in the shower, turning the knob to warm. "Alrighty babes, let's get you nice and clean." The little girl was struggling to pull the flowered t shirt that she had worn that day over her head. "Here, let me help." Erin gently pulled the shirt off, pleased to see that the bruises that littered Kate's shoulders and back were fading. She helped the little girl into the shower and placed the kid-friendly bottles of shampoo, conditioner and body wash on the floor. Erin paused, unsure of how to proceed.

"I know what to do," Kate said softly, looking up at Erin for approval. Not wanting to frighten her, Erin nodded and stepped back.

"Okay, careful because it can get a little slippery in there." Erin instructed, "Do you want me to stay in here or do you want me to go?"

"Stay," Kate said quickly, "Please." While Kate showered, Erin sat on the edge of the tub, mindlessly scrolling through her phone. There were a few texts from Hank, with updates on the case and one from Burgess, asking how Kate was settling in and if she needed anything. "Erin?" Kate's voice came softly, barely audible over the bathroom fan and the water running. Erin snapped her head up to see Kate poking her head out of the shower door, looking expectantly at her.

"What's up?" Erin asked, placing the phone on counter, "You all done?"

"I-I need help to wash my hair," Kate whispered, "Because last time I took a bath they didn't get to."

Erin nodded, remembering Natalie's story of how Kate had a meltdown after being forced to take a bath in the hospital. "Not a problem." She smiled and reached into the shower, working the kiddie shampoo through Kate's hair and helping her wash it out.

Kate seemed to relax as Erin threaded her hands through her hair. Even though Erin was getting soaked, she didn't mind. A little water on the floor and on her jeans was a small price to pay for making Kate feel safe. "All done." Kate told her, flashing a smile as the water sluiced off her skinny body. Erin shut off the water and wrapped her in a fluffy grey towel, determined to wash all the new ones so Kate could use them the next time.

"Great job baby," Erin kissed Kate's wet head, "Let's get you dried off and into pajamas, okay?" Kate nodded eagerly and shivered.

"Look at you, all nice and clean!" Jay exclaimed after Kate emerged from her bedroom wearing a new set of pajamas. She smiled shyly at him and followed Erin into the kitchen.

"Smells amazing in here," Erin remarked, snaking one arm around Jay's back and leaning up to kiss him, "Need any help?"

"Well, I have a job that would be perfect for Kate," Jay's eyes twinkled and he turned around from the stove to look at the little girl, who was standing by the counter. Her eyes lit up. "What do you say, Squirt? Want to help make the sauce while Erin takes a shower?"

"Okay!" Kate beamed, accepting a boost up to the kitchen countertop.

"Good first day as parents, huh babe?" Jay asked as he and Erin were cuddled in bed, having just finished watching a Cub's game and the post-game commentary. Dinner had been a huge success with Kate. As it turned out, she seemed to love salad and enthusiastically ate the pasta Jay made. She was even more thrilled when she got strawberries for dessert and was looking forward to having a banana in the morning. There weren't even been tears when the concept of bedtime was broached. Even though she hadn't fallen asleep during the story, Kate settled down in bed and agreed to go to sleep. Throughout the game she slept soundly, no nightmare to be had.

"I'll say." Erin snuggled closer into Jay's bare chest, "I think she really trusts us. And the district? I mean, considering everything, that was like the best-case scenario."

"Mm," Jay hummed in assent, "Will wants to meet her. Like, formally, since she was unconscious when he saw her in Med."

Erin thought for a moment. "Why not have him over here for dinner? Maybe tomorrow we take Kate to the park or something after the appointment with Dr. Handel, show her some of Chicago because to be honest I don't think she's seen any of it, and then have dinner here?"

"Sounds like a plan." Jay kissed her lips before settling against the pillows. He was over the moon with how well his little girl seemed to be doing. Every time she flashed a smile, Jay swore that his heart was going to burst, and seeing her interact and love Erin only intensified his love for both his girls.

It was rare that Erin ever awoke before Jay, seeing as he kept to rigid habit of waking up at five-thirty. She never understood why someone would wake up before their alarm, but she found Jay's routine endearing. Sometimes when he had horrible nightmares she would lay awake and run her fingers through his hair, up his arm or on his chest, any way to ground him with her touch and let him know that he was here, in Chicago and in their bed. Those occasions were becoming few and far between. When she jolted awake, Erin turned to the side to see Jay sleeping peacefully, flat on his back and a soft snore escaping his lips every once and a while.

Erin listened intently for any cries coming from across the hall or from the baby monitor on Jay's night table, but the only noise was the hum of the apartment building and the occasional car driving below. It was just past five in the morning and the mid-summer sun was beginning to rise, gently bathing the room in a soft glow. She stretched and cuddled into Jay's side, draping one arm across his torso, "You're up early," he mumbled into her hair, woken up by the shift in the mattress.

"Kate didn't wake us up last night," Erin replied, tracing patterns with her fingers on his bare chest, "And I couldn't fall back asleep."

Jay chuckled softly, "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Erin shook her head, "I don't know, I just have a gut feeling. I'm just going to go check on her." She shed the blanket and carefully padded across the living room to Kate's. Her door was still ajar, so Erin poked her head in, expecting to see the little girl sleeping peacefully. "Kate?" Erin called, faced with an empty bed. She entered the room and peered around the room, but Kate was nowhere to be found. "Kate?"

"What's going on, Er?" Jay emerged from their bedroom, blearily rubbing his eyes.

"She's not in bed!" Erin hissed, heading for the kitchen, "We must not have heard the monitor and she had a nightmare because she's not in bed and she's not out here."

"Maybe she's in the bathroom?" Jay opened the bathroom door, but Kate was nowhere in sight.

"The door is still locked." Erin declared, relieved that Kate hadn't left the apartment. "Kate?" she called again, "Where are you sweetheart?"

On a hunch, Jay pulled open the closet door in Kate's room. There, huddled on the floor with her knees drawn to her chest, sat his little girl. Kate's eyes were red and puffy, and it looked like she hadn't slept at all. "Erin," Jay called softly, "I found her." He carefully knelt down in front of the shivering little girl, resting his hands on his knees. "Hi Squirt," he whispered, "Did you have a bad dream?"

She nodded, looking up at him tearfully. Erin rushed into the room, glancing around quickly. "Where is she?" she asked before catching sight of Jay kneeling on the floor and the shaking child in front of him. "Oh, baby," Erin stood behind her partner and rested her hands on his shoulders, "You're shivering. Do you want to get back under the covers?"

Kate shook her head, tears steadily dripping down her cheeks. "I don't think she slept," Jay said to Erin, looking sympathetically at his daughter. Goosebumps stood out on her thin arms and legs, her small body trembling, accompanied by the occasional hiccup. He reached his arms out and she cautiously scooted toward him, allowing her father to wrap her in his warm embrace. Like the night before, Jay slowly rocked back and forth, trying to get her heart to stop racing. Erin draped a blanket over the little girl, heart breaking for the horrific nightmare she endured. "You could have woken us up, Squirt," Jay mused, rubbing her back in soothing circles, "We don't want you to be scared all alone."

She sniffed, burying her face into Jay's neck. A whimper escaped her lips and Kate shuddered against her father's bare chest, soaking up his warmth and security. "I-I didn't want you to be mad." Kate's voice was muffled, still pressed into Jay's neck.

"Oh baby, we'd never be mad if you woke us up. Especially if you were scared." Erin gently threaded her fingers through Kate's mussed brown locks, resting on hand on her partner's back.

"That's what we're here for. To make you feel safe." Jay kissed the top of her head, "I am so sorry you didn't feel safe last night." She relaxed against him, quaking breaths evening out as Jay continued to comfort his little girl.

"How about some breakfast, hmm?" Erin suggested, "I think we got some yummy cereal yesterday." Kate nodded and Jay stood, carrying his baby to the kitchen and setting her on the breakfast stool.

"Coffee?" He looked at Erin knowingly and she nodded gratefully. It wasn't even six in the morning and she was exhausted. Jay started the machine and pulled out a box of Cheerios from the cupboard. "How do you feel about Cheerios and banana slices?" Jay asked the little girl. She wiped her eyes and nodded eagerly at the mention of bananas.

Jay smiled, relieved that the worst was behind them and set about pouring cheerios into a bowl and slicing up a banana. Kate ate her breakfast quietly while Jay and Erin sipped their coffee, both wondering how one little girl could have been through so much pain in such a short lifetime.

After breakfast, Kate and Erin sat together on the couch with the intention of watching a movie that they had picked out at the store the other day. Within minutes, Kate was sound asleep in Erin's lap and Erin was struggling to keep her eyes open as she ran her finger through Kate's hair. "Tired, babe?" Jay asked knowingly, sitting next to her after draping her legs over his lap. She nodded drowsily, leaning forward to snuggle against his shoulder.

"Can we just stay here for a while?" Erin murmured as he pressed a kiss onto the top of her head. "I don't think Kate slept for most of the night and I woke up at five."

Jay chuckled and pulled her closer. "That sounds like a plan." There was no place Jay would rather be than snuggled on the couch with his two favorite girls, basking in the mid-morning sun and listening to Erin's soft breathing on his neck. While Kate and Erin snoozed, Jay set to work researching preschools in the area that he might be able to get Kate into. He wanted to know that she would feel safe wherever he and Erin decided upon. There was one located on the route from the apartment to the district that looked perfect, but the sign ups appeared to have already ended. It even had a summer session that had begun but was designed for working parents. Jay emailed them anyway and sent out a few more inquiries, explaining Kate and his situation.

Following their early morning nap, the little family ventured to Dr. Handel's outpatient office for Kate's first appointment. Kate remembered the woman but was extremely reluctant meet with her alone, clinging to Jay and insisting she didn't want to go in. After promising that they were sitting right outside, Kate hesitantly followed the therapist into her office. While the couple sat in the lounge, Jay received a phone call from the preschool that he reached out to earlier that day.

Dr. Handel opened the office door and Kate rushed out as fast as her little legs would carry her, launching herself into Erin's lap. "You stayed." Kate sounded relieved as she sagged against Erin, tightly wrapping her arms around her neck.

"Of course we did, baby." Erin kissed Kate's soft hair, "Did you have a nice conversation with Dr. Handel?"

Kate nodded slowly, looking over at Jay, who was on the phone. He waved and flashed her a big smile before returning to his call. "Actually, if you and Jay want to come inside to chat with us for a bit, that would be great," Dr. Handel poked her head out of her office.

"You go," Jay whispered to Erin, "I'll be right in." Erin carried Kate, unwilling to disentangle herself from Erin's embrace, into the office and settled on the couch. Kate remained in her lap, holding tightly to the sleeves of Erin's sweater.

"So how have things been going?" Dr. Handel asked, giving Erin a warm smile.

"Well, Jay and I love having Kate," Erin said, equally for Dr. Handel and for Kate, "We had a sleepover the other night and have been trying out all kinds of new foods."

"That's lovely." The older woman smiled. Jay quietly opened the office door and slipped in.

"Sorry about that," he said, settling on the couch beside Erin. Kate shifted over and tentatively grabbed his hand, holding it tightly when Jay opened his palm. "Hi Squirt. I missed you." She offered a smile in return, leaning in between the two detectives.

"Not to worry. Erin was just telling me that you all had a sleepover and have been trying new foods. What else have you been up to?"

"We toured the district yesterday after we went to the store to find some decorations for Kate's room." Jay told her, "And Kate met a lot of our police friends, including Sergeant Voight."

"Ah yes, Sergeant Voight." Dr. Handel recalled, "I work very closely with Dr. Charles down at Chicago Med. He mentioned in passing that you two," she indicated to Erin, "are quite close."

Erin nodded, "Um yeah, he took me in when I was fifteen." She looked over at Jay, not realizing that her relationship with Voight would be brought up.

"I only mention that because it's important for Kate to feel comfortable with the people who will be consistently in her life. It would be great for her to get to know someone like your sergeant." Erin and Jay both nodded. "I seem to recall that you have a family in Chicago as well, Jay?"

"Yeah, my brother Will is a doctor at Med. He's coming over for dinner tonight," Jay paused, "Unless you think that's a bad idea."

"Oh no, that is a fabulous idea." Dr. Handel told him, "Now, I would love to discuss a few things further with you and Erin. Kate, do you want to go play with some of those toys over there?" She indicated to a little table that had some colorings pages and toys on it in the corner of the office.

Kate looked up at Erin apprehensively and back to the therapist. "It's okay. Jay and I will be right here," Erin reassured her, "Maybe you could draw a picture?" Kate nodded and carefully climbed off the couch before slowly made her way to the table, sitting down in a small red chair. Kate busied herself with coloring but looked up every few moments to be sure that Jay and Erin hadn't left.

Once the little girl was out of earshot, Dr. Handel leaned closer to talk to Erin and Jay. "I can't stress enough you how much progress you've made with her," Dr. Handel told them, "She is doing so much better than when I met her a few days ago, it's like another child."

Jay and Erin smiled. "It's been tough, especially with the nightmares," Jay said quietly, not wanting Kate to overhear, "Is there anything we can do?"

"I presume by 'sleepover' that you meant she spent the night in your bed?" Erin and Jay nodded simultaneously. "Well, the best thing to do is to provide comfort. Ordinarily I don't recommend consistently allowing a child to sleep in bed with the adults, but given the circumstances, if that is what makes her feel safe and it works, for the meantime it is okay. That being said, she should always start of in her own bed."

"She didn't sleep last night." Erin informed the woman, "She went to bed fine and was asleep when we went to bed, but sometime after she woke up from a nightmare. She spent the night awake in her closet because she was too worried to wake us up, even though we've told her before that it's alright to wake us."

Dr. Handel nodded, "It may take some time for her to realize that you won't be angry at her for doing certain things. As long as you continue to encourage communication, things should get better. When I asked Kate why she liked being with the two of you, she said 'Because they make me feel safe.' Now that is such progress in a short period of time." Erin squeezed Jay's hand. "She did mention that she was too afraid to take a bath, so you had her take a shower?"

Erin nodded, "Yeah, we brought up the bath and she had a complete meltdown. I-I think someone hurt her when she was in the tub or something."

"In all likelihood that is probably true. As she gets more comfortable with you, you may want to try again. Same goes for other things that she may be afraid of. It will just take time." Dr. Handel smiled again. "Kate also mentioned that you've been feeding her very well, which is a great sign. As I said last time, just be sure to not force her to finish by putting too much food. It is good if she can learn to ask for more, but offering it is great too, just as long as she knows she can say no."

"She said no to a third helping of pancakes the other day," Jay said proudly, "And we learned that she really likes fruit."

"Excellent. Now, have you figured out what you are doing about daycare?"

"Actually, that's who I was talking to. A preschool near us said we could come by on Thursday to check it out and that she could start the following Monday. They have a summer session that's basically a camp and transitions into school in September." Jay said, turning to Erin, "I mean, we would have to figure out what to do next week but it's right in between work and the apartment-"

"We'll figure it out," Erin reassured him, giving his hand another squeeze.

"Beginning in a week is a good amount of time," Dr. Handel confirmed, "If you would like, we could talk to her about it today? Place the idea in her head so she knows about it." Jay and Erin nodded. "Kate, do you want to show us what you've been working on?" Dr. Handel asked.

Kate carefully pushed back her chair and brought the picture she was working on over to the couch. "It's beautiful!" Erin exclaimed, looking down at the printed picture of a cartoon tiger that she had colored in. Kate had even written her name on the bottom of the page.

"That is definitely going on the fridge!" Jay grinned and the little girl blushed, "Do you want to sit with us for a minute? We're going to head out soon." She nodded and accepted a boost into his lap.

"So Kate, Jay and Erin have been telling me all about how amazing you are," Dr. Handel said warmly. The little girl blushed again, looking shyly over to Erin who gave her a smile. "Do you like living with Jay and Erin?"

Kate nodded enthusiastically. "They make me feel safe," She repeated her statement from earlier, leaning against Jay's chest. He kissed the crown of her head and beamed at the doctor.

"That's right, you're safe now," Dr. Handel affirmed. "Have you ever been to school before?" Kate shook her head. "Do you know what school is?"

Kate nodded. "One of Mr. P's ladies taught me school," Kate told her, "That's how come I can read. But she died."

"She died?" Dr. Handel asked, observing the detectives' shocked expression. "How do you know that?"

"Miss Bethy was playing with Big Joe and then she got real sick and died," Kate said, matter-of-factly, "They were poking themselves."

"I see," the doctor paused, "Well, most kids your age learn things in big groups with a teacher. And in a few days, you're going to get to as well."

"I have to leave?" Kate stammered, her eyes filling with tears.

"Just for a few hours a day. And Erin and Jay will be there in the morning and then come get you in the afternoon. You'll get to meet other kids and do all kinds of fun things," Dr. Handel said calmly, "And you'll learn about books and nature and how to write."

"Bu-but I'll still be with Erin and Jay?" Kate looked up at Jay with tear-filled eyes. He nodded.

"You'll still be with us. But when we go to work, you go to school and then we meet up again afterwards. And on the weekends, we can be together all day," Jay explained, trying to convey the concept of school without causing a complete meltdown.

Kate still looked apprehensive. "When do I go?"

"In a few days," Erin stepped in, "We're all going to go meet your teacher and some of the kids first. And then in a few days, you'll get to go with some new friends and Jay and I will pick you up."

"And I still stay with you?" Kate asked. Erin and Jay nodded. The little girl seemed to relax at their confirmation that they were not going to abandon her.

"I think that's a good place to end. We're all set for today," Dr. Handel stood. "Enjoy the rest of your weekend."

"Thank you," Jay shook her hand, balancing Kate on his hip, "Do you want to help me make dinner tonight?" He asked and she nodded, resting her head gently on his shoulder as he carried her out of the building.